“How NOT To Sell Your App”, by Angry Jewish Men

angry_woodchuck The developers at Woodchuck Enterprises are angry. We’re not exactly sure why. Perhaps it’s the low wages, long workers and miserable working conditions … perhaps it’s because they still haven’t figured out how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood … or perhaps The Man required them to work during Yom Kippur (hey, you’d be pissed too if you were Jewish and had to labor on the Day Of Atonement … it’s not cool). But regardless the cause, Woodchuck Enterprises are a heated bunch.

Now you know that rule-of-thumb … “don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry”. Well the same holds true in iPhone World … don’t develop iPhone apps when you’re mad”.

Woodchuck Enterprises had a fantastic idea for their first iPhone app … put a modern twist on the old time traditional Jewish game of Find The Matzah by releasing an app appropriately named … Find The Matzah. They came up with this cutesy Matzah Man character, complete with a nifty looking yarmulke. They coded the game where Matzah Man hides in a napkin and the goal is to find and unwrap him. Granted, not an earth shattering app … but a fairly decent one nevertheless.

Find The Matzah 1   Find The Matzah 2

So with Find The Matzah coding completed, Woodchuck Enterprises began work on the critical task of writing the app’s description. Critical in the sense that this is their app’s voice to the customer … their one real chance to make a good impression and hopefully close the deal with a purchase and download of their app.

They decided to take the straightforward approach … the standard “How To Play” section along with a “Description” section that gives a some historic background to the game. Their work was completed … Find The Matzah had a description and now it was off to the dreaded approval process (there is no porn in Find The Matzah, so the developers were a bit nervous of having Apple reject app since iPhone porn in the new App Store rage).

But no … the angry Jewish men just couldn’t let it go. They couldn’t just hit the submit button and be done with Find The Matzah. They had to let their anger get the best of them and include a final “Note” section in the description …

Find-The-Matzah-Title-FINAL22

LOL …. WTF Woodchuck Enterprises?!? Are you freaking serious? Very nice first impression … watch out Camera Zoom … soon, Find The Matzah will be replacing your ass as the #1 paid app – they (and Best Buy) discovered the secret marketing ingredient … always make sure to INSULT YOUR CUSTOMER! Great advice Chuck, we won’t be buying. But congrats … you are now featured on KRAPPS … and that our friends, is priceless.

August 3, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 4 Comments 

Recap: Week Of July 27

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

July 27: Apple Approves iPhone Strip Club Locator App – exotic dancers everywhere rejoice

July 28: iWet T-Shirts Game Makes A Splash On The iPhone – check out the adult water fun

July 29: Because Your Breast Size And Gender Are Hard To Remember – help is on the way

July 30: New iPhone Porn App Discovered – theXchange – iPorn is becoming a growing trend in the App Store

July 31 – Plus One App – So Ugly It’s Cool – sometimes the stupidest apps are brilliant

Aug 1 – The Daily Show Spotlights iFart Legal Battle – LMAO – absolutely freaking hysterical

–> Bonus Round – below is an image our buddy @frankstendal submitted. it shows his achievement playing the Plus One game (featured July 31) … dude pushed the button TEN THOUSAND TIMES! WTF is that?!? Rock on @frankstendal!

PlusOne10k 

August 2, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

The Daily Show Spotlights iFart Legal Battle – LMAO

Fart_War Ok, so you probably are aware of the lawsuit brewing between iFart and Pull My Finger. Yup, you heard right … FART APPS battling it out with expensive lawyers before a judge in a court of law … WTF?!? We’re not going to belabor the story … you can check out all the “juicy” details at CNET (told you it was serious – even CNET is carrying the news).

This whole fart smack down thing is just too funny to take seriously. And that’s why we want to share with you this hysterical clip from The Daily Show With Jon Stewart … it’s LMAO madness and will certainly raise a few eyebrows when Pull My Finger creator, Eric Stratton, compares his app’s accomplishments to the legendary and first African-American MLB player of the modern era, Jackie Robinson … WTF?!?

August 1, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, News | 14 Comments 

Plus One App – So Ugly It’s Cool

Steve Jobs foam number one The Plus One app is a free calculator which does one thing … it adds the number one over and over again. We wanted to hate it … rip it … and   classify it as one of those stupid limited functionality apps. We tried our best to blow this piece of krapp up. But we couldn’t – this little Plus One bastard of an app kept making us pee our pants in hysterics.

Developer Taber Buhl did a bang up job with Plus One. … his app is completely idiotic, yet reading Plus One’s description below – it’s comedic brilliance. So brilliant in fact that we now proudly display Plus One on our own personal iPhones.

(in efforts to save bandwidth – after all, we are paying for it – minor edits have been made)

—————————————————————————————————————————-

I’d like to introduce to you a revolutionary app now available for your iPhone. Plus One is an exciting new calculator app that lets you add the number 1 as many times as you want.

Plus-One-Title

Now I know what you’re saying: "Oh great, another bloated calculator app with all kinds of scientific doohickeys and whoseymawhatsits crammed onto the screen that I’ll never even use, because all I want to do is add 1 over and over." … WRONG! … For the first time ever, exclusive to the iPhone, there is a calculator designed to add the number 1. Plus One was built from the ground up with one specific goal in mind … to provide you with a smooth, enjoyable experience of adding the number 1 for as long as you see fit. You can add 1 to itself once, twice, or even several times all together. Why not 100 times in a row? Why not 1,000? That’s right, using your iPhone you now have the power to add the number 1 as long as you want, with nothing to hold you back.

Want to divide 200 by 4? Need to solve for x y or z, find the surface area of an octagon stacked on top of an isosceles triangle, or some other zany kind of math problem? Want to subtract? No sir (or ma’am), Plus One is NOT for you!

Plus-One-Hero

What’s the best part of Plus One? Well it isn’t its raw ability to increment the number 1.
No – it’s that YOU decide when and where to carry out your adding!

> Add the number 1 in the privacy of your own home or on the go. Grocery shopping with
   your Mom and she needs 3 pears? Add 1 three times. Problem solved.

> On the beach getting a tan with nothing better to do and don’t want to nap because you
   recently chugged an energy drink? Add 1 to itself repeatedly while soaking up rays.

How you choose to use Plus One is entirely up to you… as long as you use it to add the number 1! The only limit is your willingness and steadfastness to incrementing.
Ask yourself "How long can I add the number 1?" Go ahead, I’ll wait… You don’t know, do you? Well there is only one way to find out … download Plus One today and start adding the number 1 instantly! Never has there been a better time to add the number 1 than right now.

Plus-One-Comments

July 31, 2009 | Filed Under Utilities | 24 Comments 

New iPhone Porn App Discovered – theXchange

(update 12:15 p.m. PST: porn is a very subjective term. one’s artistic and tasteful nude is another’s filth. while Apple is not 100% clear on their nudity policy, they are adamant about a porn free App Store. we added an additional image at the end of this article from theXchange app which should clearly convey pornography … while the image is censored, the blackout area contains male genitalia … couple that with the image’s “Hot Wanted” statement … it’s clear, Apple is certainly not achieving their goal.)

As a preface to this article, we would like to remind you of Apple spokesman Tom Neumayer’s, profound statement in response to nude photos found in the Hottest Girls app:

“Apple will not distribute applications that contain
inappropriate content, such as pornography”

Fair enough Tom … thank you for making that perfectly clear. So what happens just a few days later … BeautyMeter and its infamous 15-year-old topless girl makes headlines. Hmmm, so much for Tom’s clarity.

Now flash forward to today … July 30 … Tom – there you go again, shittin’ us with your Apple will not distribute blah, blah, blah crap … nah, these are totally appropriate:

theXchange_nude_1_censored   theXchange_nude_3_censored

theXchange_nude_2_censored   theXchange_nude_4_censored

theXchange_nude_5_censored   theXchange_nude_6_censored

Welcome to theXchange … where user generated nudity, pornography, explicit language and anything else you can think of as sexually inappropriate content, is King!

So what is this place that resembles the movie Caligula? Well theXchange was released by Jim Young as a virtual nightclub. People enter the club … chat with others, then attempt to earn and spend virtual coins to buy drinks or photos of other club members (gee, wonder what kind of pictures are exchanged in theXchange … puppy dogs and lollipops of course … but at least their over 15 years of age).

theXchange_title

Oh and of course, the “House Rules” … NO NUDE PHOTOS ALLOWED. Thanks for making that crystal clear Jim … man, you are just as money as Tim from Apple.

But here’s the best part … theXchange launched July 1 … same day the BeautyMeter app was yanked from the App Store due to its user generated nude photos. You would think that a similar user generated content-based app born July 1 (BeautyMeter D-Day) would know better and make an extra effort to police its uploads … but no … theXchange didn’t learn squat. But Jim, don’t feel bad … Apple also flunked that course – however to Apple’s credit, they make a helluv a lot more money than you and can afford the “F”.

theXchange_porn_censored

[thanks to our boy @ungeheier for the tip]

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July 30, 2009 | Filed Under Social | 95 Comments 

Because Your Breast Size And Gender Are Hard To Remember

Today we’d like to share a few of the more practical items available in the App Store. We figure with over 65,000 applications to choose from, a little help would be appreciated.

No_Clue_FINAL Our first “recommendation” is for the ladies. Guys … go take a pee break and return for our second feature … (yes girls, we hear you – we’ll tell them) … 
put the FREAKING seat down!

Ok … now that we’re alone, let’s talk girl stuff – your boobs. Have you ever been walking around or doing whatever, look down at your chest and suddenly realize … “hmm, I forgot my boob size”. Even worse … that dreaded “what’s my cup size?” feeling. Yeah, it’s horrible and something that should not be taken lightly. Well ladies, you’re in luck! You can now have the “What’s My Boob And Cup Size” utility always just a touch away with the BraSzCalc Bra And Cup Size Calculator app.

BraSzCalc

BS1   BS2

Now we get it … breast size can change over time: aging, pregnancy, augmentation, etc. And of course those overseas bra purchases are a major pain in the ass. So you see, this BraSzCalc really does come in handy … do some Overbust, mix in a little Underbust … and boom – never forget your bra and cup size again. Actually it would be even cooler if you could also use the app as a dedicated breast tape measure … hmmm.

Guys … did you put the flippin’ seat down? Good … sucks to get a cold wet ass when you’re simply trying to tinkle – GEEZ!

Now our next app is handy for both sexes. Picture this scenario … you’re at a gas station filling up your car. Suddenly you break out into a cold sweat panic … disturbing thoughts keep racing through your head … “am I a man or a woman?” You know what we’re talking about … we’ve all been there … nothing to be ashamed of. Because frankly, sometimes it’s hard to remember your sex. But no fear … simply download the What’s Your Real Gender app, answer a few questions … and voila, your gender is revealed (although judging by the user comments, this app might have a few bugs). Now we guess you could just as easily look down between your legs … but really, who wants to drop trow in the middle of a busy gas station. Nah, keep your underwear in place – use your iPhone.

Whats-Your-Real-Gender

WYRC_Final

So let’s say you’re not exactly thrilled with the results from the What’s Your Real Gender app … what’s a “girl” or “guy” to do? Just whip out that iPhone and install the handy dandy Gender Changer app. Granted, it won’t swap out your private parts … but at $1.99, Gender Changer is a hellluv a lot cheaper than a sex change operation and at least you’re one step closer to becoming the opposite sex. Or do you think Gender Changer is garbage based on the fact that close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and slow dancing?

Gender-Changer

Changer1   Changer2

In conclusion, we sincerely hope these apps will add value to your life and clear up any current or future confusion. Huh?

July 29, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | 2 Comments 

iWet T-Shirts Game Makes A Splash On The iPhone

you_suck_bunny_FINAL The iPhone never ceases to amaze us. Dang it’s cool … and if you don’t think so … well – you suck. Seriously, think about this:

Can you turn your Blackberry into a penis? … Uh – NO!
Can your Palm Pre train you to correctly touch a girl’s body? … Uh – NO!
Can you light farts with the Android? … Uh – NO!

See all those proof points … iPhones rule, other Smartphones drool.

So like today – once again, we are amazed. Just when we thought the iPhone couldn’t get any cooler than with yesterday’s Strip Club auto-locate app … BAM! … it does. Two words:
WET … T-SHIRT.

iWetTshirts_Title

Ok, … now close your eyes – pinch yourself real hard – and open your eyes. Look, you’re not dreaming and we’re not kidding … it’s for real … it’s the iWet T-Shirts app (appropriately released by iWet Media, Inc.).

So with iWet T-Shirts … it’s just you, a hose and all of your wildest drenched dreams. Choose one of four lovely ladies and start spraying away with your adult water gun. Now be careful, don’t get all sloppy silly with your soaking … if your water pressure or aim is off, you will not be rewarded with that see through dripping delight.

iWetTshirts5    iWetTshirts4 

iWetTshirts3    iWetTshirts6  

iWetTshirts_Icon iWet Media is already planning future updates which will include such treats as Beautiful Brunettes, Girls Next Door and Babes In Thongs. Oh, and don’t worry – we read your mind … we already emailed iWet with suggestions for future apps … iMud, iJello and iHot Oil  Wrestling.

Yeah you dirty bastard … how cool is your iPhone now?!?

July 28, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 6 Comments 

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