Vuvuzela Ate My Brain! – Pro Zombie Soccer for iPhone

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

When the zombies come for you (and they will), you must use your skills to their fullest to defeat them.  And if your skill is making wicked moves with a soccer ball, it would probably look something like Pro Zombie Soccer [iTunes $0.99], developed by Super Awesome Hyper-Dimensional Mega Team and released by Chillingo.

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Similar to a tower defense setup, you control the character of Jax, who’s short on time since he may already be infected himself.  The story unfolds via beautifully delivered comic art cut scenes.  In the first rounds, you start off on "The Streets", armed with just a soccer ball.  The zombies approach from the right side of the screen, some moving faster than others and some just a little harder to kill.  You can power up your shot for extra killing effect and it’s never a bad idea to aim for the head.

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As you work your way through the levels, you’ll pick up extra powers as well.  One gives you super-speed to get more shots off.  Another lets your soccer ball mow through a whole crowd of zombies before it returns to you.  Yet another lets you target multiple zombies for a laser blast from space.  Each of these powers comes in handy when things get a little crazy.  You get bonus points for using these extra powers to their full potential.

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After you’ve mastered "The Streets", your next mission takes you to "The Scrapyard".  The first level of that set has you running headlong at the zombies while still controlling the soccer ball.

Near the end of each level, you will face off with a burlier "boss".  These take multiple shots to kill, so aim well and shoot quick.  Hilariously, at one point I scored a "Nut Shot".  I wasn’t fast enough to capture a screen grab of it, but it dropped that zombie right quick.

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A recent update fixes issues with iOS 4.0 and a free companion app was just released, Pro Zombie Groan [iTunes Free] which gives you access to the various sound effects used in the main game app.

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Currently priced at 99 cents [iTunes] to coincide with the FIFA World Cup, the app is normally $2.99, which is a great deal anyway when you consider the amount of gameplay you will experience.  The game looks great and plays decently, even on my 3G iPhone.

July 3, 2010 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | Leave a Comment 

App Lets Users Send Erections As Gifts (not kidding!)

Last week we covered an app that fixes erectile dysfunction by emitting sound waves from your iPhone. The Fire Up Your Sex Drive app claims that if you listen to these sound waves for 6 minutes a day, then after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced by more than 85%.

And if you think Fire Up Your Sex Drive app is complete bullshit, then you better not step in this next pile of crap … the Mobile-Gra Gift Sender.

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The premise of Mobile-Gra … and no, we are not f*ckin with you … is to send (via the app) your male friends the gift of a healthy erection. Per Mobile-Gra’s description …

This application consists of sounds that can improve male’s sexuality. You can send this gift to your friends who would like to be a "stronger man”.

And there it is again … sound waves … it’s all about those damn sound waves. Mobile-Gra continues by explaining the effects that certain sounds have on your penis …

“Mobile-gra” sound is created by natural sounds, subliminal sounds, binaural beat sounds, using “Erection in sleep theory”.

Got that? In case you missed it, let us repeat … Erection In Sleep Theory. We have no clue what erection in sleep theory is … our attempted Google search resulted in massive amounts of gay porn sites, so we’re still clueless about this alleged theory.

Finally, in case you’re having trouble figuring out exactly how and when to use the Mobile-Gra gift giving service, the app includes a few suggestions … give an erection as a wedding present to the groom (and bride) – friend going on a date, send him a big boner. Hell, you going on a date? … listen to this thing and super-size your dick! 

While listening to“mobile-gra sound”, you will be able to feel the comfort, and the nature. After listening the sound, you will be able to feel your male’s sexuality has been increased.

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Amazing stuff this iPhone … after listening to Mobile-Gra’s sounds, you will feel your penis has been increased … WONDERFUL!

July 2, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 4 Comments 

Make Rice Boobs With Rice Implants App

rice-boobs-2 Besides the ability to download cool (and sucky) iPhone applications, the App Store is a wonderful source of knowledge. It’s kind of like reading the dictionary for shits and giggles  … we continually learn new things and increase our knowledge … just by checking out 250,000+ applications Apple has approved.

Take for example the Rice Implants app … at first we were like WTF and new type of breast implant made out of rice? We thought silicone and saline were the only choices in breast enhancements.

So then we read the app’s description … and we were still like WTF …

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Apparently if you’re considering bigger boobs (or moobs, whatever), you can do this … fill up some pantyhose with rice and stick it under a sports bra. This "rice implant” will simulate having bigger boobs … thus allowing the woman to choose a perfect size breast (sort of like try before you buy).

But this whole filling up the pantyhose with rice can be a cumbersome and inaccurate process. That’s where the Rice Implants app works its magic … it will calculate the amount of rice needed to replicate a boob size in terms of “cc” values.

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Rice boobs?!? Laugh all you want but choosing a breast size can be very distressing.  Some women worry about going too big, while others worry about not going big enough. So as you can see … the Rice Implants app is a godsend and we’re not quite sure how the App Store survived without it.

Actually to be honest, we’re not quite sure how we got through life without any knowledge of rice boobs.

July 1, 2010 | Filed Under Health | 4 Comments 

Nudity, Blood, Violence & Murder – Crazy Bitch Soccer Fans Love Super Streaker

Ever hear of this character, Ronaldo? He’s one of those uber-cool pricks who is commonly known by one name. Dude plays for the Spanish soccer club Real Madrid and is the highest paid soccer player in the world … $16.5 million per year. Not to mention the bastard is drop dead gorgeous, every chick digs him and he even has his own iPhone game, Ronaldo Soccerade Freestyle.

Screw pretty rich boy and his iPhone game … we have our own game. We’re going to run onto the field during the World Cup and start beating all the players over the head with a golf club. We’ll pound those stupid soccer pukes so hard they’ll all die … and the best part, we’ll be butt naked during our mass murder … YEAH!

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Sounds psycho? Why sure … but it’s ok … this is an Apple approved gaming activity called Super Streaker Pro.

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LMAO … now this is a lovely game! Carrying on the fine tradition of crazy bitch soccer fans (throwing urine bags, being shitfaced, starting fights, etc.), Super Streaker is a third person 3D shooting game where the player runs onto a soccer field killing World Cup players. You can either bash their brains out with a golf club, slice them up with a beer bottle, nuke ‘em with an A bomb or choose other weapons of destruction. Oh … and the best part … all this mass murders is done in the nude.

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And please, don’t even think these are random generic slayings … oh no! Super Streaker allows the racist inside you to really come alive … kill Americans, Mexicans, Koreans, Italians or other nations participating in World Cup 2010.

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If Super Streaker sounds over-the-top .. it is … a lot! Blood, guts, violence, gore … with a big dose of bare ass, just to be sure maximum shock value is achieved. But look … don’t even get offended by the graphic nature of Super Streaker … Apple has our back, protecting us from looking at girls in bikinis. And come on, what’s wrong with a little homicide … it’s fun to imitate this real life headline, “Fan Kills Iraqi Soccer Player As He Kicks Potential Tying Goal.” *facepalm* 

 

June 30, 2010 | Filed Under Games | Leave a Comment 

Flipping The Bird Around The World – plus Recap: Week Of June 21

Ad-Krapps-170x170 In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.

June 21: iPhone 4 And iPad Commercials – If Apple Cut The Bullshit [Videos]

June 22: Action Sex Positions – A Guide For Having Sex While Driving A Motorcycle & More

June 23: New App Can Fix Erectile Dysfunction (Why, God, Why)

June 23: Steve Wozniak Waiting Overnight In Line For The iPhone 4 [pictures & videos]

June 24: Apple’s Idiotic Statement To iPhone 4 Reception Issues – Don’t Hold It That Way

June 25: Interpreting Steve Jobs Moronic “Ur Holding It Wrong” Email Reply [Pictorial]

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A Cultural Guide To Flipping The Bird

Flipping the bird means one thing … F*CK YOU … or does it? Crank up the middle finger to some French a-hole and you’ll likely get a blank stare followed by a laugh … cuz it don’t mean shit in France. So before you take your next international journey, brush up on the local customs and learn the proper way to give that dicknose local the finger.

[click image to view full size]

Flip The Bird

(via PopCrunch)

June 27, 2010 | Filed Under News, Recap | Leave a Comment 

Steve Wozniak Waiting Overnight In Line For The iPhone 4 [pictures & videos]

KRAPPSWozFF We love Steve Wozniak! While it could be really easy for the co-founder of Apple to be an arrogant, self-righteous prick … on the contrary … Woz is a level-headed, down-to-earth man of the people who is totally cool, likeable and approachable.

Take for instance today, June 23 … the eve of the iPhone 4 launch … where’s Woz?

Well around 5:00PM, Woz jumped into his Prius and drove to Parth Dhebar’s home. Who is this Parth character, Wozniak’s new assistant? Nope … Parth is just a normal kid … a high school junior and the creator of the excellent iPhone app review site Simple-Reviews.com. Woz met Parth while  camping out on April 2 in front of an Apple Store … waiting overnight to be one of the first to purchase the magical iPad. Woz and Parth remained in contact and thought it would be cool to carry on their traditional camping trip.

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[editor’s note: hold on … WTH is all that crap to the left of Woz’s dashboard? …. seriously Woz, how many freaking GPS systems do you really need?]

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So like we said, Woz drove to Parth’s home … picked him up … and gave him a ride to the Apple Store inside the Valley Fair Mall in Santa Clara, CA. They are now both waiting overnight to become day one proud owners of the iPhone 4 when they go on sale Thursday, June 24 at 7:00AM. Too freaking cool!

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Of course Woz doesn’t have to go through the trouble of waiting over 12 hours in line for the latest iDevice … but the dude freaking rocks … he just enjoys hanging out with fellow MacHeads, signing autographs, riding his segaway inside the mall and waiting to become an early adopter – just like the rest of us Apple zombies. Gotta love it!

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June 23, 2010 | Filed Under News | Leave a Comment 

New App Can Fix Erectile Dysfunction (Why, God, Why)

Viagra-Light-Switch The flow of bullshit running through the App Store is seemingly endless …

Nine bucks buys you the Hair Clinic app. Simply hold the iPhone to your head for 10 minutes a day and the app delivers healthy and abundant hair. [BULLSHIT]

Think you could stand to lose a few pounds? Become a lean, mean, loving machine with the FatBurner2K app. Just stick the iPhone on your belly and it will literally shake away your fat molecules resulting in weight loss. [BULLSHIT]

The Less Cigarette app will magically change the flavor of your cigarette so it tastes like ass and help you quite smoking. [BULLSHIT] Thirteen bucks will heal your wart using the Wart Healer app … notice we said wart, as in one wart … additional wart healings can be purchased for $13 each via in-app purchase. [BULLSHIT]

And for the latest and greatest achievement … the iPhone can now fix ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION with the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app …  

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Yes sir – you heard it right … the iPhone now has the ability to deliver a healthy hard on … and it doesn’t even require the new iOS4. Per the app’s description … 

Just listen to the audio for 6 minutes everyday, and after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced for more than 85%! The effect is close to taking a viagra! 

Sound waves baby – it’s all about sound waves … (6 minutes a day) x (20 days) = 85% increased enhancement … hmmm, not a bad ROI indeed. LMAO … gotta love the outrageous claim –> The Effect Is Close To Taking A VIAGRA! Good thing Apple employees sat around with woodies as they tested and approved Fire Up Your Sex Drive.

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You might think the sound wave thing is all nonsense … but how can you doubt the validity of the developer’s claim with this sound explanation …

This application makes a kind of high frequency alpha wave to synchronize with your brain wave. It could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone. This is a very healthy way without any side effect and you will not need the pills to destroy your body any more!

And if you’re still not convinced … Fire Up Your Sex Drive was tested on a large number of male users … the results were conclusive … 

About 580 men have tried this application, and the effective percentage is even more than 77%

So next time you are experiencing a sad penis … just remember … iPhone – The Quicker Pecker Upper. [BULLSHIT]

June 23, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment, Health, Utilities | 8 Comments 

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