“Intercourse” Is A Bad Word

Confession … we have this fascination for menstrual calendar iPhone apps. Not so much the functionality of the application (tracking one’s cycle), but the naming of these things. We feel sorry for the poor bastard in charge of throwing down a creative menstrual calendar title … iFlow, AuntFlo, Ladies’ Day, Mensies and other brilliant naming conventions. So back in January, as a tribute to this sucky job, we wrote an article saluting Mr. Menstrual Calendar IntercoursePAfinal App Title Creator.

So our fascination continues and we always pay special attention to menstruation tracking apps … like the new Pregnancy Alarm app. While the title is a bore, Pregnancy Alarm contains some very controversial material within its description. The developers pushed the descriptive language too much and were slammed by Apple’s profanity filter. The offensive word? … (brace yourselves) … INTERCOURSE! Yes … INTERCOURSE … that nasty and vile word, commonly found in 7th grade health education text books introducing reproduction. But not in the App Store … there will be none of that sick and disgusting language. It’s better to have an endless stream of scantily clad girly images than this horrible horrible word … INTERCOURSE … blech!

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As usual, we applaud Apple for such sound judgment and its attempts to protect customers from filth and smut. We can always count on Apple for saving our souls and leading us to the path of redemption – Hallelujah Apple! Remember folks, INTERCOURSE is repulsive.

And of course … being the “givers” we are at KRAPPS … we prepared a memo which iPhone application development companies can use to notify and warn their employees of this newly discovered policy from Apple …

INTERNAL MEMO – CONFIDENTIAL

Date:     (insert date here)
Subject: “Intercourse” Is A Bad Word

 

Attention (insert company name here) Employees!

 

While we are not in the business of creating menstruation tracking applications, KRAPPS.com pointed out a very interesting item. Intercourse is a BAD WORD and cannot be placed in the description of your application at all. Intercourse will show up as –> I********e.

 

So for all of our future apps, make sure we do not include the word "Intercourse". Other possibilities that might not be recommended for use include: "Contraceptive", "Conceive", "Inception", "Insert", "Tab A Slot B", any combination of the words "Fuzzy", "Taco", or "Beaver".

 

That being said, keep up the great work in describing our applications without using profanity or pornographic references. Thank you for your attention in this matter.

 

Regards,
(insert your name here)

June 15, 2009 | Filed Under Health, Lifestyle | 17 Comments 

Make A Stripper Smile – There’s An App For That

GangstaGeekJPG The iPhone just got some major street cred! Ya dig? This ain’t no Abercrombie wearing – yoga taking – moleskin carrying – suburban frat boy mobile device … this iPhone is streetwise! Hailing from the hood of Cupertino! West Coat-style from the C to the A. iPhone biatch, bust it baby!

Yeah … we knew our boy Steve was a dirty dogg. Posing with those candy ass iFart and iStrip apps. But really hanging with his homies Young Jeezy, Fat Joe, Lil Wayne, etc … Steve has the cred and now brings it – iPhone in da house – just killing it!

Takin’ a page out of the Pacman Jones Chronicles, Apple now kicks two apps which will put a smile on every strippers face. We’re talking the Make It Rain! And I Make It Rain apps.

No redneck, this ain’t no rain stick voodoo magic app! We’re talking stacks – bling – benjamins – bills – cheddar – scrilla – bread.

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Still don’t get it? k … check the lyrics to “Sexy Can I” by Ray J:

Sexy can I, visit you at work
When you sliding down the pole …
Then you drop and do the splits …
I make it rain in the club like (oh, ohh, ohh)

No clue, huh? here, just watch this video of the I Make It Rain app in action:

 

Now you get it! Make It Rain … be a baller, with your cristal and green. The most dope gents at Mitchell Brothers … you boy and Steve … making it rain all night … straight up Cupertino bad ass-style.

And look at these user reviews … everyone’s a pimp with the Make It Rain apps:

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AngrySnowman Hmmm – got us thinking. Since Apple has this new found street cred … we’re gonna make it rich with our new iPhone app company –>
I’m So Hood Apps … with such dope offerings as the Trap Or Die app … the Triple Beam Dreams app … and of course, the sure hit
Angry Snowman app (who all dat Apple? don’t google – just approve it).

 

May 19, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Lifestyle | 12 Comments 

Have A Shitty Day!

dawsons-ugly-cry22 You know the good old expression … “Have A Nice Day”? … well we think it blows! We’re here to tell you … “Have A SHITTY Day” … yeah, that’s right … “Have An AWFUL Day” – “Have A TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MESIRABLE Day” – “Have The WORST Day Of Your Life!”. Got a smile on your face … well we hope your smile turns into a frown and cracks your face open. As a matter of fact, we hope you end up in tears … boo freaking hoo … cry us a river … yeah, that’s it … sucks for you!

iphoneemo You know what – if we ever see you all joyful and cheery and krapp … we’re going to walk right up to you and pop your happy ass with a verbal assault that will make even the jolliest of moments heartbreaking and glum. Stuff like … “somewhere, someplace, someone is  starving to death at this very moment” … or … “there are approximately 250 million child  laborers worldwide” … “you probably will get a divorce”, etc.

What? What’s our problem? What’s YOUR freaking problem?!?! No we’re not agro … no we’re not emo … we are KRAPPS and we found a new iPhone app which changed our outlook on life. Sure, you may think this app jacked us up … but we’re thrilled about our new found krappy attitude and want to make sure you are just as miserable as we are with the help of the Apple-approved Daily Downer app:

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So yeah, we’re going to be THAT GUY to slam you with HORRIBLE FACTS about our world. Make sure you invite us to your wedding, baby shower or other festivity … we’ll be sure to destroy your celebration and jack up even the biggest optimist. Cuz now we have the talent – now we have the skillz – now we have Daily Downer and now it sucks for you.

PS – Have A Shitty Day Apple!

May 4, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 4 Comments 

Little Help Please

Similar to fart apps, there are a ton of Self-Help apps for the iPhone. Everything from quit smoking – to lose weight … From stop snoring – to improve self esteem and many more. Guess developers figured out it’s fairly easy to leverage a person’s shortcomings to make a buck … but we digress. Anyways, if you have a deficiency, the iPhone is your savior and can help fix it. And really, nothing is impossible to overcome with the iPhone – as we proved by our recent report – the iPhone can help prevent balding.

drunk444 So a nifty little self-help app caught our eye … myBadHabits from BeblowSquared. The purpose of myBadHabits is to visually monitor your progress at eliminating bad habits. The user enters their bad habit (or habits for the really jacked up) and every day, updates the app with their daily result. The app then displays a very nice progress chart tracking the number of days you are bad habit free. Especially motivating is the green and red status bars – if the user is “slipping”, a red status bar is displayed as a constant reminder that you are a loser.

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Overall, a sound concept and we’ve seen it enough to become believers … the iPhone can help solve any problem life delivers. And it seems like the folks at BeblowSquared are believers as well … just look at these claims …

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Whoa … time out … rewind … “Do you drink too much and wake up on your front lawn?” … huh? Ok – the iPhone may be able to prevent hair loss … but keeping it real … if you are in the habit of waking up on your front lawn after being completely obliterated from alcohol – well my friend, you have some serious issues that no iPhone will be able to fix. Better to save the buck ninety nine and put it towards checking yourself into the Betty Ford Clinic.

robbing11 Ok, next item … “Do you borrow money from your kids to support your gambling habit” … huh? We don’t care Apple approves … there will never be an app that will help you overcome your gambling addiction if it’s to the point where you are stealing from their kids. Try this … google “gambling addiction” and click on the first result entitled “Gamblers Anonymous” … the rest is up to you.

But here’s the kicker – so obviously myBadHabits attempts to help people kick whatever destructive habit they may have. Fair enough – props to BeblowSquared for the effort. But when you touch the Information button within the app, a screen appears of other apps available for purchase from BeblowSquared. And the first option for purchase, the myParlay app – an app that assists you in sports betting. Uh – ok … BeblowSquared might want to mix in a Beer Efficiency app which helps you get drunk as quickly as possible. LOL … indeed … myParlay and Beer Efficiency, the perfect complimentary apps to myBadHabits!

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April 10, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 1 Comment 

Apple On Viagra

ViagraAppleMan Did you hear the news? Or maybe it’s just for those Apple “insiders” … well whatever, we are here to share. So get this … one of Apple’s top executives (we will NOT name names) was recently prescribed Sildenafil Citrate (google it) and is now enjoying its effects. Oh yeah, this guy can be seen walking the hallways of 1 Infinite Loop with an extra spring in his step. Dude has a massive shit-eating grin plastered on his face 24/7. And of course … Mr. Happy Pants just can’t say “No” … if it has a pulse, he’s all over it. But it’s not what you think … he’s all over any and every app which is submitted to Apple for approval.

How do we know? We got mad skillz and the facts …

We’ve discussed this many times … sex sells. Now get an Apple exec hopped up on Viagra and sex REALLY sells. Take for example a standard clock app … it displays the time in 12 hour or military modes, has an alarm with a snooze button, different time zones, a countdown timer, etc … blah, blah, blah … standard stuff. Now sprinkle in a bit of Viagra dust … and boom … you get sexy clock. Sexy clock? Absolutely … why look at a standard boring iPhone clock when you can be enjoying Bikini Times Clock.

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BikiniTimesClock   BikiniTimesClock2

Oh yeah … sexy bikini girls … this we like! We’ll be looking at bikini girls all day … that’s how we roll … too sexy … the iPhone rocks! Oh, and did we mention the Bikini Times Clock displays the time? But we do have a bone to pick with the Bikini Times Clock – it ain’t all that! This app lacks fart functionality, which seriously jeopardizes it’s $1.99 price tag. Why not just make the PERFECT clock app – a Sexy Farting Bikini Clock. Hourly chimes = Farts … Alarm sound = Farts. Yeah Mr. Viagra Apple Man … mix in a bean burrito … because
SEX + FARTS = $$$. Cuz it’s all about the profit … so take that one straight to the bank!

April 2, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle, Uncategorized | 13 Comments 

Breaking Nasty Habits

Title: CoffeeNut
Category: Lifestyle

CoffeeNutIcon Similar to wine buffs, coffee aficionados are fanatics about the roasted bean. These folks are extremely passionate (read borderline freaks) about their coffee … and since coffee fanatics typically spend in the $4 range for a grande Starbucks (or other coffeehouse), this passion can get EXPENSIVE.CoffeeNutScreen

And that’s where CoffeeNut comes in … this nifty little app conveniently tracks your coffee  intake throughout the year … so not only will you be reminded of your massive caffeine intake, but at a glance you will see the excessive amount of money you spend on coffee. Let’s see … 250 work days a year, $4 per grand Starbucks … $1,000 per year … hmmm, how about we take that $1,000 per year, invest in a financial instrument that yields 4% … in 10 years our ending balance would be nearly $12,000. Great CoffeeNut, you’ve managed to depress the KRAPPS out of me and I haven’t even installed your app yet. I’m not exactly sure of the purpose of this app … to inform? – to calculate? – to encourage? – to depress? – to piss you off?

Coffee-Icon-v1 Better idea … why not re-launch CoffeeNut and re-position it as a “Cost Of Drinking Coffee” calculator, with the goal of encouraging individuals to break their coffee drinking habit. Makes cents (pun intended). There are plenty of quit smoking calculators … American Cancer Society and American Heart Association to name a few. The whole caffeine thing is not exactly healthy. Call it “CoffeeBreak” … your handy little app to help you beak that nasty coffee addiction. 

February 23, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | Leave a Comment 

Oink! Oink!

Title: iRecording Diet
Category: Lifestyle

What motivates you? How do you motivate others? I’m a big believer in positive reinforcement and constructive criticism. One method is the Compliment Sandwich – the meat of sandwich (your critique) is surrounded by two pieces of bread (compliments):

(rye bread) … ‘”Hello there Judy! I really like your blouse. Is it new?”
(meat – sorry vegans) … “Look Judy, I noticed you’ve gained a ton of weight. I’m concerned about your health. Mix in some exercise and a salad.”
(rye bread) … “Oh, by the way, the blue color in your blouse really makes your eyes sparkle.”

iRecordingDiet_Icon2 Ok, maybe not the best example, but whatever – you get the point. On the flipside, if I were Judy … being told I was a pig would NOT be motivating. And purchasing the pig-themed iRecording Diet app would probably lead me into a deeper depression. Come on – what is up with this app? – exactly want I want to see every time I look at it’s icon on my iPhone, a PIG’s FACE with the bright red word DIET screaming at me!

And what waits inside for the sucker who purchases the iRecording Diet app? MORE PIGS!

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Thanks iRecording Diet – you guys rock! I have now turned into one of those emo kids.

emo

January 29, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 2 Comments 

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