LMAO Video From FlyChat

FlyChat_Logo Yesterday, one of the strangest, most bizarre applications arrived in the iPhone App Store … the flyChat app. It has something to do with sending messages to random strangers via buzzing flies within flyChat’s unique social network. Weird stuff … which we haven’t took the time to quite digest (“I know an old lady who swallowed a fly –
I don’t know why she swallowed a fly” – it’s a kiddy story, come on, never heard of it?). If you want to check more of flyChat out, TechCrunch and Mashable have good write ups … and of course you can visit flyChat’s site where you’ll find detailed (way geeky) diagrams about this messenger fly thing.

Now the point of this story is not to discuss flyChat … but to share the equally bizarre, strange and disturbing flyChat promo video. Again, not really sure WTF they are talking about … but the Fly In A Suit character is freaking nuts and the Old Deaf Man plays an equally entertaining supporting actor role. Crazy funny shit from flyChat! …
HELLO – McFLY?!? (it’s a movie, come on, never heard of it?)

 

Pork Brains In Milk Gravy – This App Comes Close

porkbrains Have you ever heard something so incredibly ridiculous that you thought for sure it was a joke … only it turns out to be true? Take this BS for example … dude suffering from headaches finds a bullet in his head … WTH – true! Or did you know no matter how hard you try to tickle yourself, you won’t laugh … WTH – true! Pork brains in milk gravy … WTH – true! Scuba divers can’t fart at depths of 33 feet or below … WTH – true!

So we came across this app called Pork Brains In Milk Gravy … no, no, no – just kidding! What we really did come across is an app that’s so completely insane we had to get a second and third opinion. We simply could not believe it … we totally thought it was a joke. But no, just like scuba farts … this ain’t no joke. This is HangTime baby!

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WTF is this? … “measure how high you can throw your iPhone” … uh, somebody is “high” alright with that request. Sure, we’re dumbasses … we’ll launch our $300 iPhone towards Mars and hope to God we catch the damn thing before it shatters into zillion pieces. Freaking A – is this an episode of Jackass? But apparently it’s all true … shit, these badass HangTime users even videotape themselves in the act …

 

In Your Face! – New World Record, Biatch! – Chicks dig me cuz I play HangTime! And the online scoring thing is brilliant – the numbers are hysterical.  … there are running counters for the number of iPhones thrown in the air (currently 594), number of times iPhones have been thrown (27,376) and time iPhones have spent in freefall (8,844 seconds). Dave Hufnagel is the single throw leader at 1 minute 7 seconds. Damn, dude must have a bionic arm … LOL, uh no … freak actually took the iPhone skydiving with him and now trash talks all other HangTime challengers.

HangTime_High_Score_Single_   HangTime_Dave

wheelchair_HangTime_FINAL So the “unaided” single throw leader is Tee Jay Green at 5.95 seconds. Now we admit it, being freaks ourselves, we tried this HangTime krapp … our best time was 1.41 seconds and that was tossing the thing pretty freaking high. So we can’t even imagine 5.95 seconds … TJ, bro – you are complete kook! But actually, Tee Jay is already a legend. In the first 28 days of owning the app … he has 4 of the Top 10 scores, has thrown his iPhone 2,072 times for a total is 545 seconds. LOL … that’s nearly 10 minutes of air time, averaging 74 throws a day! WTH TJ … stop training for the Olympics – iPhone tossing is not an event.

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We think the best part of this story is the approval angle. So Apple reviewed HangTime one day after it was submitted. Because of the global high score functionality, HangTime recorded the actual throws and location of the Apple employee (0.59 seconds = wussy!) reviewing the app. Then it took Apple EIGHT MONTHS to finally approve it! They must have been really confused with this one … “no boobs – what do we do?” … priceless … LOL.

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Just a word of caution, because we know most of you will go out and try to kick Tee Jay’s ass in HangTime … please throw your iPhone responsibly and under no circumstance attempt to enjoy HangTime under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Thank you for your attention in this matter. Godspeed!

If 30,000 Users Say This App Sucks, Why Is It #1?

Smack_Apple Last week we featured Punk’d apps … iPhone applications that are so freaking stupid, they seem to be playing a practical joke on Apple – will Apple really approve this total piece of garbage? Typically, Punk’d apps have extremely limited functionality … like the “Friday?” app … push a button and depending on what day of the week it is, the app displays “Yes It’s Friday” or “No It’s Not Friday”. Yeah it’s lame … but what’s lamer is that Apple approved it.

Not to beat a dead horse, but we came across what might be the ultimate App Store bottom feeder … an app that’s so bad, it makes you want to smack both Apple and the developer upside the head for offering such krapp.

From the makers of such fine apps as “BullCrap Lie Detector”, “My Sexy Watch”, Bloody Razor” and “Burping Farting Piano” … Inner Four, Inc. presents … the Mirror Free app. This app is simply a game changer! Launch Mirror Free and your iPhone screen goes completely blank (except for a frame) … then you’re supposed to carefully tilt the iPhone to see your reflection in the black background (patience, it takes practice). Flippin’ brilliant!

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Oh and by the way, did you notice the amount of ratings this sack of shit has received … over 30,000 in the span of 2-weeks since it was released July 1 – proudly displaying its
1 and a half star. Most developers would kill just to receive a quarter of Mirror Free’s ratings (sans the 1 and a half stars). It’s mind boggling that this app could generate such public outcry, that a consumer would actually feel compelled to take the time and apply a low rating. LOL … Mirror Free has the special ability to piss people off.

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Now the story gets even better. Take a quick minute to jump in the App Store, click the Top Free Apps category and have a look … (go ahead, check it out, we’ll wait until you get back)

Ok, back now? – good. Yeah, our feelings exactly … WTF IS THAT?!? …

Mirror Free Is The #1 Free iPhone Application!

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How the hell can an app receive over 30,000 krappy ratings be the #1 app? Apple’s user rating “secret formula” is seriously jacked up if this is the kind of nonsense it generates as #1. HELLO APPLE – over 30,000 users say it sucks – Mirror Free should be buried in App Store hell, not flipping the bird at hard working developers as it reigns King of free apps. Check your math Apple – it blows big time.

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Oh and let’s not even discuss Mirror Free’s in-app advertising … so who knows how much bank Inner Four is making. Is this really what the Revolutionary App Store is coming too … piss off enough people with your useless trash and be rewarded as #1? Good thing Baby Shaker was pulled, little sucker would still be sitting in the top spot.

Mirror_Free_Ad2    Mirror_Free_Ad1

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Change the “secret formula” Apple! Obviously quantity does not equal quality …
Mirror Free is a bad joke and so is your rating system.

Sizzling Pork Porn – An iPhone Bacon Roundup

bacon_brothers22 So yesterday we wrote about man’s obsession with boobs. Today we switch gears a little … let’s talk about bacon fascination. Have you noticed that bacon is getting totally out of control lately? Long gone are the days of supermarket bacon brands like Oscar Mayer or Boar’s Head. Nope, these days it’s all about gourmet artisanal bacon … slow smoked, sugar glazed, organic, corn fed, dry aged, etc. … bacon freaks are rivaling those wine snob nut jobs.

(editor’s note: parents, don’t dress your kids up in bacon suits … we will punch you)

And it’s not just the actual piece of meat … bacon is everywhere! Bacon SaltBacon Vodka – Bacon Toothpicks – Bacon Lamps – Bacon Wallets – Bacon Bandages – Bacon Air Fresheners – Bacon Dental Floss – Bacon Shoes … damn, supposedly there’s even Bacon-flavored Diet Coke – WTH is that? Seriously, Google all this shit … it’s crazy!

bacon_bandages      bacon_coke

bacon_lamp  bacon_shoes

So obviously not a big surprise … bacon comes sizzling into the App Store. First up we have three fairly straight forward bacon apps … Pocket Bacon, GetBacon and Instant Bacon. These apps bring the sights and sounds of an endless supply of sizzling bacon to your iPhone – call it Bacon Porn, but without the grease.

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GetBacon

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Similar to Bacon Vodka, this app is a bit squirrely … Tic-Tac-Bacon … from Dave Calabrese’s App-A-Day project. Come to think of it, Tic-Tac-Bacon makes perfect sense. Face it, tic-tac-toe is pretty freaking lame … but throw in some bacon action … and this sack of suck all of a sudden becomes golden and trendy (not quite as appealing as
Sexy Tic-Tac-Toe … but close).

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tic_tac_bacon  tic_tac_bacon2

Next we have the bacon-flavored Diet Coke of iPhone apps … the completely bizarre and whack … Dancing Bacon Man. Get this … picture dude – in a suit – with a disturbing bacon head … this sight alone will cause nightmares for days. Now picture the same suit-wearing bacon head dancing the Cabbage Patch or the Egyptian Walk or the Hip Thrust … WTF – LOL. Just complete bacon dancing madness … and rumored to be outlawed in 24 States.

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To conclude, we present the ultimate bacon experience … the iBacon app. Now this is not your ordinary sizzling bacon app, rather iBacon takes inspiration from the interactivity of Pocket God. With iBacon, the user experiences the joy of cooking bacon, flipping slices with kitchen tongs, splattering grease, setting off a smoke alarm, draining the grease and finally eating the bacon by tilting the iPhone into your mouth. Rather than our feeble attempt of describing this masterpiece, check out the mouth-watering demonstration video below …

 

So remember … Bacon Is Meat Candy … and when it comes to eye candy, nothing beats the iPhone for pure pork pleasure (stay tuned for the Sexy Farting Bikini Girl Bacon app).

For The Ladies, The “Stop Talking To My Breasts” App

boy_looking_at_boobs_final Let’s talk about breasts … specifically, the male fascination with boobs – what’s up with that? … is it a curiosity thing? jealous they don’t have any? is it a recreational activity? feelings of being nurtured? fertility symbol? too many Victoria Secret ads? … Well theorize all you want – the fact of the matter is, men seem to have this obsession with boobies.

Ok, so appreciating breasts is one thing … but being a total dick about it is another. Like the dude who can’t carry a normal conversation with a gal due to his wandering eyes. Yeah buddy, screw the eye contact! You’ll score with her for sure … keep gawking at those boobies … you’re hot and she’s totally into you.

But ladies … maybe you all should give those guys a break. Really, boobs are like the sun -you shouldn’t stare … but we just can’t help it. Better yet … why don’t you train your man to talk to your face and not your breasts. Next time you catch your guy talking to your chest … kick him in the balls … repeat as necessary. KIDDING! No, there really is a much simpler solution … just use your iPhone (of course).

Utilizing the iPhone’s accelerometer technology, Apple has approved a revolutionary new Breast-To-Face training application called … Man Trainer. Just strap an iPhone to your guy’s head and let Man Trainer take over. Think we’re kidding … NOT!

Man_Trainer_Desc

breast_looker_poster_final You see how noble Apple really is? They realize they blew it by approving so many of those Girly Look At My Titties apps and now Man Trainer is their restitution to all their female customers. Rumor has it that future updates will include … saying “I Love You” more frequently – remembering your birthday – buying tampons – being sensitive to your feelings – and more.
The Man Trainer App, Helping Restore Eye Contact Since 2009.

An Official Viagra App? Stickmen Invasion? Huh?

LadyHuhFINAL The last “Half Ass” article received favorable reviews from our audience. Good to see you all can appreciate a bit of humor at the expense of our foreign developer friends. Hey, if you’re going to play in the US App Store (not to mention, want our money), you better be damn sure your app’s description makes some freaking sense. Leaving a potential customer thinking … “HUH?” … is not the way to turn a profit. And if your description sucks big enough, it will certainly land you here on KRAPPS.

So let’s have a look at what Tokyo-based developers, ITnet, are up too. Recently they released an iPhone game called Lure Drawing. Apparently ITnet blew their entire budget on R&D and were forced to translate their description using Babelfish. Unfortunately, Babelfish turned their iPhone game into something that reads more like a science fiction horror movie where alien Stickmen invade Planet Earth …

LureDrawingDescFINAL

”Stickman is forming the original world. We cannot interfere in such Stickman’s world usually” – “The Stickman gather out of thin air” – “The comical appearance that cannot be seen might be able to usually be seen”.

Run for the hills people … the invisible comical Stickmen are coming to take over world.  This is not funny – the entire human race is screwed – we’re all doomed!

Sorry about that … indeed, a bit too graphic for KRAPPS. Let’s take it down a notch and look at an Entertainment app simply called Mischief. We’re not really sure what it does … something about the iPhone changing into you, then playing momentarily tricks, then becoming “It” (maybe it’s a game of Tag) and finally letting out a “Scream” …

MischiefDesc

Hmmm … a strange one indeed. But we think we’re on to something … we took a closer look at Mischief and believe we discovered the App Store’s first official Viagra application (no wonder they mention “Scream” … huh?).

Mischief_Viagra_Final

Recap: Week Of July 6

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

July 6: iPhone Nudity Found Again – This Is Getting Confusing – is Apple getting into the Sex Education business?

July 7: No Matter How You Say It – You Are A Douche Bag – call someone a douche bag in 12 different languages, a very useful app

July 8: The “Place iPhone On Fat Belly And Lose Weight” App – shake, shake, shake

July 9: Developer Steals iPhone App Code, Submits As Own – shady times in the App Store

July 10: Hey Apple, You Just Got Punk’d – Ashton Kutcher-like apps that insult Apple

July 11: Crazy Letters App Fittingly Developed By A Crazy Dev – this developer is nuts with his over-the-top behavior

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