Pop quiz … name the #5 best-selling application in the entire App Store. MLB.com At Bat? Bejeweled 2? Monopoly? Plants vs. Zombies? … wrong answer – all of them. Actually all these applications are far below the current fifth best-selling application … 69 Positions.
As you can probably tell by the oh so clever name, 69 Positions is a sex positions app … which are all the rage these days on the App Store. 69 Positions is also the 28th top grossing app … ahead of such gems as I Am T-Pain, Red Laser and NBA Live by EA. And looking at the top free apps, both Sex Positions Game and 69 Positions Lite (argh, there it is again – must be the name) are in the top 50.
So Apple is cool with sex positions … fair enough. But this next app really puts us in doubt. Like we don’t even know if it’s real … sort of a made-up fairy-tale … an imaginary fantasy … we’re talking Mythical Sex Positions.
had lost us at “hello” …. “Welcome to the mythical learning center which takes you to the divine world where there is no room for sorrows.” … uh, ok – let’s explore this no room for sorrow divine sex world …
Love Of The Ape Man
Seriously, WTF is all this chocolate-rose, fish in the sea crap? … “This mythical position was practiced by our ancient fathers in which the rose in wrapped towards the chocolate …” Yeah right, have another beer.
LOL … “This mythical method is happening with support of three toes” … get that? … SEX ON THREES TOES! … memo to mythical people – be kind to your toes, mix in a bed!
But wait, there are plenty more suggestions in plain English from this pretend city of sex …
As the devil’s mythical serpent cries with joy as the journey towards the honey comb is very painful. But the bees in the house are excited as the upward pressure eases her effort in lasting the divine honey.
Your rose gains control of your heart so that her petals are striking like a mythical snow on your muscular body. The goosebumbs mad by this petals are so erotic to make mythical simulation which in turn intensifies your hunt for pleasure.
You could experience the joy of real tsunami as your eyes are viewing the tsunamical movements of her sweet apples. The back pressure will ease your effort as the two can play 50-50.
Seriously, if you can figure this shit out … more mythical power to you! But for us, we’ll stick with tried and true REAL positions from the sweet divine world of Gummy Bear Kama-Sutra.
As we began reporting back in June 2009, Apple has a zero-tolerance policy for porn and nudity on the App Store. Any application found with revealing nipple or crotch-shots, have been nailed with Apple’s ban hammer :
Currently it’s not just pornography and nudes that are not tolerated … all overtly sexual applications are not permitted on the App Store. Well, except for Playboy, Sports Illustrated, FHM, Maxim and some others … long (idiotic) story, click here to read more details.
However, if you still insist on viewing those nipple and crotch-shots (and refuse to use the Safari app) … we have good news! If you look hard enough, nudity can indeed be found on the App Store … been there for over a year and a half. For your nipple-viewing pleasure,
Art Envi, has been for sale since August 2008.
Of course Art Envi is not the only Apple-approved skin app … the Art app contains nudity as well and a lot more of it. Hell, the developer is so naked-friendly, he even created an option enabling the user to show only nude images … eliminating clutter within the application.
Here’s another one that screams BOOBIES … the Artistic Nudes apps (we love the disclaimer … naked dead people, huh?).
And if simple nipple viewing is not enough … there are four interactive slider puzzles that might provide a thrill … Fabulous Nude Paintings Puzzle – Classic Nude Paintings Puzzle – Bathing Nudes Paintings Puzzle – Modigliani Nudes Puzzle.
So you see … it’s not all puritan in the App Store. Apple does recognize the need to get your freak on. Grant it, these are famous 20th Century paintings … but hey, at least we know Apple has a soft spot for artistic nudes and there’s a method to their madness … leveraging the sex sells methodology to promote fine art to the masses.
With over 175,000 applications available for download on the App Store, there’s bound to be a few gems that get unnoticed. Certainly most iPhone users have heard of Pocket God, Doodle Jump, Shazam or Pandora Radio. But can the same be said about Poker vs Strong Female Role Models? Or iSlinky? Or Mystery Butt? Doubt it … unless you’re a loyal KRAPPS reader, chances are you missed these glorious needles in the haystack.
Today we are very pleased to present another KRAPPtastic example of iPhone brilliance … the “Golden Turd” of the App Store … PooPong.
The beauty of PooPong is in its simplicity. There’s really not much going on in this game … just a classic remake of Atari’s Pong game, originally released in 1972 … with literally a bit of crap thrown in to really stink it up. PooPong is Pong with poop instead of a ball … plus obligatory fart sounds to really make this game KRAPPS.
Oh, did you notice the STELLAR graphics in the image above? They are to die for! And get this … PooPong has, count ‘em, two different modes … unlimited play and first to five points … WOW! And not only does the game include two different modes, but it also includes two different difficulty levels … easy or hard … WOW! All this poopy goodness can be had for only 99 cents … WOW!
Of course don’t take our word for it. Be sure to check out the epic PooPong demo video below (why it hasn’t gone viral is simply baffling) … complete with riveting bouncing poop action and eerily realistic fart sound effects … which all make PooPong a real shitter.
NewYork Swimmer / SuddenDeath is a game unlike anything I’ve ever played before. It takes ridiculous uselessness to an insanely high new level. When Mister KRAPPS requested I review this app, I thought this was either some sort of cruel and unusual punishment (perhaps I pissed him off) or an early April Fools Day joke.
First off, I’m not quite sure how this is a game. This "game" relies on you pressing a button, then holding your breath (yes, YOU holding YOUR breath) to progress through "levels". Each level requires you to hold your breath longer and longer … until you eventually turn blue and ready to pass out. Yeah – good times – FUN!
If you do eventually decide to breathe for some strange reason, you must click the “Breath” button … which will cause you to lose the level. Basically,if you breathe, you suck (no pun).
If you like gameplay of any kind, turn back now … this game is not for you.
If you like decent visuals, run away … this game is not for you.
If you like breathing without interru — Okay, THIS GAME. IS NOT. FOR YOU. PERIOD.
I’m not quite sure this game is for ANYBODY. I think we all can agree that breathing is a pretty awesome thing and in general, people like to breathe. However, if for some sadistic reason you have a death wish … then by all means, drop the 99 cents on NewYork Swimmer / SuddenDeath and be emo. However keep the phone nearby … just in case you suddenly realize breathing is a pleasant activity and need to dial 911.
NewYork Swimmer / SuddenDeath seems like more of a programming test from the developer than an actual game. Something whipped up in half a day to test his ability to create a button, progress bar, simple animations and of course, make a buck.
Keep in mind, I’m not insulting the developer here. He’s a cool guy. I talked to him over Facebook and on the phone … and he seemed like a nice enough dude. But damn, this game is not worthwhile. It’s one of those typical apps featured here on KRAPPS that makes you think … “WTF was Apple thinking when they approved this app.”
In conclusion, even if NewYork Swimmer / SuddenDeath was free of charge, I would not recommend it to any normal person. Not trying to be harsh – just trying to keep it real, dawg.
And please, always remember … BREATHING IS A GOOD THING!
Buzz Aldrin is a certified bad ass. Dude was the second man to walk on the moon (dammit Buzz, you should’ve laid down scissors, not rock), is a mechanical engineer, a retired Air Force pilot … not to mention … produced a computer strategy game, recorded a rap song with Snoop Dogg, (and others), had a Disney Pixar character named after him and is closing in on one million Twitter followers.
On Monday, March 22, Buzz added another accomplishment to his list of bad assness … his very own iPhone app … Buzz Aldrin Portal To Science And Space Exploration [iTunes $1.99].
The folks at AppAdvice did a fairly good job of reviewing Buzz’s new app. They highlight the original content and insights by Buzz on space initiatives including blogs, journals and twitter feeds. The various news feeds, podcasts, NASA streaming TV, photo galleries, videos and ton of other really cool space and science stuff. For a mere $1.99, this app packs a huge amount of content and is visually stunning.
But as we mentioned, AppAdvice did a FAIRLY good job. Our beef with the review is that they failed to cover the best part of the Buzz Aldrin app. Its most valuable content … the stuff people really want … arguably Buzz’s biggest bad assery accomplishment to date …
Exclusive behind the scenes coverage of Buzz’s experience on
Dancing With The Stars
Walked on the moon – MEH! Air Force Pilot – MEH! Laid down sick beats with Snoop – MEH! All these accomplishments pale in comparison to killing the cha-cha-cha with his dance partner, Ashly Costa. Think about it, dude is 80 FREAKING YEARS OLD and floats around the dance floor like a delicate butterfly (“it looked like you still had your moon boots on” … screw you Bruno) … the ultimate definition of a bad ass.
$1.99 … money well spent for Buzz’s exclusive look into Dancing With The Stars. That’s what we’re talking about and shockingly what AppAdvice missed.
Oh and don’t forget – Monday nights on ABC … VOTE BUZZ!
If you have an iPhone, you should be familiar with the Tap Tap Revenge franchise from Tapulous. There are over ten different Tap Tap games available … everything from the original Tap Tap Revenge Classic to Lady Gaga Revenge to Metallica Revenge to [i luv] Justin Bieber Revenge (huh? why?). Tapulous has struck App Store gold with their series of iPhone-specific games and rightfully so … Tap Tap Revenge rocks!
Or does it?
We recently spoke with Haggai Borkow, CEO of iPhone Fitness Games. Haggai explained his concerns about today’s gamers, “More than ever, videogames are an extremely popular form of entertainment. While this might appear all good, my concern is weight gain. Playing videogames day and night is a sedentary lifestyle. Inactive people have the propensity to gain excessive weight. Excessive weight is not all good.”
We checked out the iPhone Fitness Games website and indeed, found some disturbing facts … the obesity epidemic, called Globesity, kills millions of people every year … in the US, 80% of people over age 25 are overweight … with 20% of children under age 10 already overweight … globally, over half of the world’s population is overweight.
KRAPPS! No wonder our nephews and nieces have never heard of baseball or soccer … too much damn Tap Tap Revenge.
“But KRAPPS, you can’t simply say … ‘No Videogames For You! Go Exercise!’ … gamers, especially the ones with emo tendencies, will not respond” said Haggai. “That’s why my company has created an app which transforms exercise into a fun jumping game.” Haggai continued, “Thus, whenever you play, you exercise. This intertwining of fun and exercise transcends our aversion from exercise, prompting us to exercise. Even emos will enjoy.”
Huh? Jumping game? Indeed … the Jump Jump app [iTunes $2.99] … the healthy Justin Bieber Revenge alternative.
Jump Jump is like Tap Tap, but instead of tapping targets, you jump with you iPhone and attempt to land in the middle of the target. As your fitness improves, levels become more demanding and punk rock pogo stick dance is required.
Not only does Jump Jump track your high scores … but more importantly, your fitness and how many calories you’ve burnt on a daily, weekly and monthly period. Plus you’ll enjoy the benefits of immediate exercise-induced euphoria and long-term improvements in practically all of the body’s systems.
Haggai explained, “Surprisingly, ‘all of the body’s systems’ includes the brain. Research consistently shows that physical activity is the best thing that happens to our brain … improves oxygen flow to the brain, protects against degeneration of the nerve cells (as in dementia), helps create new nerve cells, increases synaptic plasticity and overall, enhances cognitive function.”
Well fair enough Haggai … we’ve already put out our Marlboro, dumped the fifth of Jack and deleted Justin Bieber Revenge. Better health, improved fitness, reduced weight, boosted immunity and increased oxygen flow to the brain … can’t you see what we mean – might as well Jump Jump!