Whether you consider it disgusting or hilarious … everyone burps! Heck, certain Eastern cultures consider it a compliment when a guest belches after a meal. We would have to agree … certainly a better alternative than relieving yourself at the dinner table with a smelly fart.
Anywho … we recently came across a new iPhone app called AlphaBELCH [iTunes]. Published by Stephen White of “Barney & Friends” fame (don’t hold that against him please!), AlphaBELCH is an A-to-Z picture book that teaches kids the ABC’s … in the most awesome. way. ever!
You’ve got butterflies belching, moose letting loose, fireflys with glowing gas … and of course magical unicorns whose shit don’t smell.
After checking out the demo video below, we’re convinced there is no better way to teach children the ABC’s than with AlphaBELCH. And as the saying goes … “don’t judge a book by its cover” … AlphaBELCH also incorporates an important message about manners!
Normally 99 cents, AlphaBELCH (iTunes) is FREE today through December 25 … just get it now!
fartaholic (~noun) : one who is addicted to farting, passing gas, cutting the cheese, breaking wind, fumigating the room, blasting the ass trumpet, etc.
Love farts? Would you go so far as to say you’re a fartaholic? Then great news … a free children’s iPad application is now available which will educate the innocent young and make them appreciate the cry of an imprisoned turd …
Farting Animals Episode 1 [iTunes Free] is categorized as an Educational application and per its description, “is a series of interactive storybooks that keep the readers engaged with its characters through touch interaction … this innovative storybook maximizes the combined effects of gameplay and learning with touch features.”
Interactive storybooks – engaged readers – touch interaction … certainly sounds like a fantastic and effective educational experience parents should seek out immediately. And we’re delighted to see developer Papa’s Frog putting the iPad’s magical technology to life-changing use … teaching kids about farts. Yep … numbers, shapes, letters and everything else on Sesame Street is so overrated. Farts are imperative and should be included as part of a well-rounded children’s curriculum.
Dogs farting – bears shitting in the words … some serious educational benefits as described by the app (seriously?) …
Farting Animals provides the following educational benefits:
Adds an element of touch to visual and aural stimuli, eliciting action responses that enable the reader to more easily engage with the characters and better focus on the story.
Uses words that pique children’s attention, such as “fart” and “poop,” to help them learn in an entertaining way about naturally curious subjects such as body functions.
We wish Papa’s Frog well with future episodes of Farting Animals … hard not to love a developer whose one sole principle is, “to give pure inspiration and hope to the younger generation by creating stories that are warm and sincere, like a parent’s bedtime story; to touch their hearts and fill them with love” <- heavy stuff those fart, heavy stuff man!
Epic – Awesome – Amazing – Incredible – Legendary … these are all adjectives that came to mind when we discovered this next App Store gem … Tie Hot Knots.
Tie Hot Knots is a useful little application … it provides instructions for tying a tie. At only 40 cents per knot, included in this $1.99 app are directions for tying FIVE classic knots (wow – bargain) … Four-In-Hand, Windsor, Prince “not the piercing” Albert, Small and Half Windsor.
Ok, whatever … another “how to tie a tie” application … NOT! It has HOT chicks … you’ll get all hot and bothered just by reading the app’s description …
****MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY****
****HOTTEST TIE APP OUT****
Simple and sexy step-by-step instructions on how to tie a tie.
Tie Hot Knots brings you photos of beautiful women showing you how to tie a tie. All the classic tie knots presented the way you want. No more fat guys with chubby hands when you want to get ready for that big meeting or interview. Let the hands, lips, and hips of ladies guide you to step up your game with a fresh knot.
LMAO … but seriously, we don’t think Tie Hot Knots was meant to be a joke. We mean come on, LOOK AT THOSE HOT CHICKS! So hot, the developer couldn’t show their entire face and had no other option than to show Chop Chop Hot Chicks … smokin’ sexy.
Epic? Awesome? Amazing? Incredible? Legendary? Our bad. Make that … KRAPPtastic – KRAPPorama – KRAPPilicious … any way you describe it, it’s just plain KRAPP.
Similar to our retro games iPhone iOS 4 wallpaper collection, we are accumulating quite a few “magical” applications. The reason we label these apps “magical” is because when we launch them, they do “magical” things to us … our boobs get bigger, hair grows faster, warts fall off our bodies, we lose weight, our penis gets erect and we quit smoking … seriously, no kidding – all these things happen to us because there’s a “magical” app for that!
Now in case you didn’t notice, the fifth “magical” effect was … our penis gets erect. Which is all fine and dandy, but who the hell wants to walk around with an erect penis all day … it ain’t all that. So in all honesty, we really don’t use the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app that much. Uhhh, that is until now … used with the Hypnosis To Enhance Orgasm Potential app … you be like a living, breathing, real life porn star!
Benjamin DeFoor is the developer of this hypno orgasm app … dude is an ACTUAL hypnotherapist who knows what he’s doing! Right there on his website it says … “All these apps work and are made by me, an ACTUAL Hypnotherapist.”
So yeah … it ACTUALLY works and helps you achieve an orgasm …
Like we alluded to … combine the Fire Up Your Sex Drive all day erection app with Benjamin’s orgasm app … it would behoove Vivid Entertainment to purchase iPhones and this application combo for all their male employees.
We know what you’re thinking … “what kind of whack job title is that? –
my the revolutionary iPhone makes me “smaller” members (no pun intended) of the population feel good about my their penis? WTF!” Ok look, we don’t make this shit up (we couldn’t – even if we tried) … all our content is Apple-approved material. Apple said the iPhone changes everything and now that includes the way you fancy your penis … Male Size.
According to Male Size developer Seligman Ventures Ltd, studies have shown that males underestimate the size of their penis … meaning that relaxed dick of yours is really larger than 555 million penises worldwide. And that’s the whole key to Male Size … 555 MILLION cocks. Seems like a really big number – seems like your 2½ inch flaccid penis is larger than HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of dicks … and that’s nice – makes you feel good! Or that 5 inch erection … that’s an impressive boner too. Bigger than ONE HUNDRED MILLION hard-on’s … yipeee!
But alas Male Size is not a complete miracle worker. There comes a point where teeny tiny meets itsy bitsy … no app can make you feel better about a pencil dick. If your limp biscuit is under 2 inches or you sport wood below 4½ inches … sucks to be you.
We spoke Seligman Ventures about their one-of-a-kind application, specifically if they plan to support Male Size going forward. And great news … the developers are totally committed to small dicks and Male Size version 2.0 will include a handy in-app ruler. You just need to launch Male Size – touch the ruler button – whip out your …
STOP! Too Much Information! Disturbing Mental Images!
We keep picturing those poor bastards in Apple’s app approval department … testing the functionality of each app. Don’t even want to envision how they’ll go about reviewing Male Size’s penis ruler … ewww!
So moral of the story – big or small (well, especially small), lighten up on your dick and feel good about it! After all, it’s not easy being a penis … it hangs around with two nuts all the time – its next door neighbor is a real asshole – and even worse, his owner beats him!
Think you have it rough? Well be glad you’re not living in Russia. Yeah, just try making a simple left turn while driving a car and see what happens next … flashing red lights, blaring sirens and crooked cops. Sucks for you Misha Bear!
But fear not citizens of Russia … help is on the way. All you need is an iPhone and the Not Guilty app. Not Guilty will teach you to understand the billions of articles in the Administrative Offences Code of the Russian Federation. It will also instruct you in making a proper turn without a single violation. And best of all … Not Guilty will come to your rescue and help you avoid being extorted by those rotten bastard Russian traffic cops!
Stay tuned for more Russian lifestyle apps coming to an App Store near you … Shortest Bread Line Locator (GPS-enabled) … Spin The Vodka Bottle … Self-Generating Flashlight App – Chernobyl Edition (no batteries required).
In addition to our regular articles, we decided to run a new feature on KRAPPS entitled …
How To Make Fun Of Apple Without Trying
Below is our first installment, a brand spanking new iPhone app …
LMAO … How To Get Girls Into Bed Without Trying … and it’s even classified in the Education category of the App Store.
And so much for Apple enforcing their policies. Whatever happened to this mighty Apple roar … “application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating since these images are visible on the App Store by all users even when purchasing is restricted by the application’s rating.”
Well, to Apple’s credit … the screenshot does not contain an image of a penis the size of Miami … so we guess it’s no holds barred when it comes to text descriptions. HOORAY!