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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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This Redneck Dating App Is Really "Bad"
<cue Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls”>
GIRLS … we like girls – girls are cool – girls are fun to look at. GIRLS – just the word sounds nice … sometimes we like to say it over and over again … GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS. Hmmm, you think we’re crazy? – not – we girl crazy!
And lucky for us we have the iPhone … cuz Apple is girl crazy too. Proof – App Store search, keyword = “girls” … something like 831 girl-related apps. LOL … yeah, the iPhone is perfect for us girl crazy kooks! So many apps to choose from … Coed Spring Break Girls – Hot Latinas – Girls With Guns – Asian Boobs – Blondes, Brunettes, Redheads – Sweaty Gym Chicks – Surfer Girls – Hooters Hotties – Naughty Nurses – Large Girls With Even Larger Bosoms … the flavors go on and on.
But even with over 800 girlie apps … sadly, there is one glaring omission. An essential missing flavor … like the vanilla of girlie apps. Hello – where is the Sexy Naughty Girls app?!? And by naughty girls, we don’t mean nasty. We mean bad girls … but not the good kind of bad, we mean the baddest of badass bad –> Criminal Chicks!
Girl criminals are so sexy hot! There’s something about a female who’s been convicted of aggravated assault that just floats our boat. Heck, could be any number of crimes which rock our world … manslaughter, burglary, arson, drunk driving, tax evasion. “Hey baby, you stole a car? Damn girl you are fine!” And those sexy outfits they wear … orange jump suits, accessorized with silver bracelets … errr – handcuffs … absolutely bootylicious. Screw Maxim magazine … we’ll drool over mug shots all day!
Uh wait a minute … breaking news from the App Store! Please engage in cart wheels and back flips … the BUSTEDHOT app has arrived!
Wow … we’re literally floored. Hold on for a second while we pick our jaw up from the floor. This is huge … BUSTEDHOT is what The New York Times should be headlining today instead of that boring Ebay Sells Skype krap. The world seems like a better place now that we have a sexy girlie mug shot app.
But wait a minute – BUSTEDHOT seems a little fishy. Is it a sexy criminal girlie app … or really a Redneck dating service? Meh, potatoe – potato.
Getting My KRAPPS On – with PCSim
‘Getting My KRAPPS On’ is a new feature in which we will showcase guest contributors, covering a variety of KRAPPS-related topics. Got an idea for an upcoming ‘Getting My KRAPPS On’ article/video? … shoot us an email at info@KRAPPS.com for consideration.
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guest contributor – Patrick Jordan, founder Just Another iPhone Blog
A Little Intro … I am a long-time fan of KRAPPS, a regular reader, and very honored to be the first to share a ‘Getting My KRAPPS On’ piece over here. What does getting my KRAPPS on mean to me? It means taking a leaf from The Book Of KRAPPS, and sharing my thoughts on one of the less stellar inhabitants of the App Store. On an app that is feature-poor and proud of it, that doesn’t do push notifications, and that will NOT be showing up in an iPhone TV ad. So here we go …
Want to emulate the craptastic experience of using a (really) old school PC from the dog days of dial-up internet? Oh yes folks – there is an app for that, and it’s sure to be ever so well received by PC fans who already think Mac and iPhone owners are a bunch of
Snarky Snarkheads. It’s called PCSim and it’s a very funny little novelty app.
It doesn’t do a heck of a lot – just as the PCs it’s imitating didn’t when they were around. Here’s what it does do though:
Shows off a hideously ugly old desktop that could really fill a desktop.
Offers ‘realistic’ sound effects – from a loud, chugging hard drive to fan noises and
even a modem dialing and handshaking.
Gives you a dreadfully slow bootup process with some special startup messages in
DOS along the way.
Once you finally get into Windows, it lets you change the wallpaper, try to connect to
the internet, or try to launch a Windows game.
And of course – frequently throws a Blue Screen of Death at you.
So there you have it – it’s an ugly, noisy, old school Windows PC right there on your iPhone. Marvelous. They should chuck this into one of those ‘I’m a PC’ ads – have someone out looking for an ‘old school dialup internet PC’, tell them if they find it they can keep it. 🙂
And if you need to find it, HERE is where it is in the App Store, priced at $0.99.
iSurprise Receives An App Store F My Life
Let’s play the Imagination Game …
> Imagine if you were at bat in a baseball
game and the ump calls you out after two
strikes (if you don’t know the game, it’s
three strikes you’re out).
> Imagine if you score 94 out of a 100 on a
math test and the teacher gives you a “C”
grade (save the smartass “grading on the
curve” comments).
> Imagine if you were driving 44 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone and get a speeding ticket.
How would these scenarios make you feel? … hell yeah .. pissed off and furious – mix in a bit confused and puzzled as well. Why the F are you being penalized for these actions? The rules are … 3 strikes you’re out – 94 is an “A” – 44 in a 45 zone is not speeding … so why the sudden change of rules?!?
But hey, calm down … it’s all good. We were playing the Imagination Game … no strike out, no “C” and no speeding ticket. You didn’t get screwed … rather someone else did. And it’s not imaginary … it’s the real deal “F My Life” … Apple-style, of course.
Today, we received a phone call from Apple and were told to remove the cracking animation effects from iSurprise. FML
I agree, your life sucks (360911) – You totally deserved it (1) <- Steve Jobs vote?
On 08/2009 – iPhone Apps – by Vanilla Breeze (developer) – United States
With over 30 applications, Vanilla Breeze is one of the larger app publishers. They are the team behind such gems as i-Gun (check out this hysterical video), Roach Madness, Flock Away and of course iSurprise. The iSurprise app is a cool prank … hand your iPhone to an unsuspecting victim and when they attempt to launch any app, iSurprise produces a broken LCD. Oh … it also stamps flair items like hearts, moustaches and splattered paint balls on photos … but that’s totally besides the point of the app.
So Apple contacts Vanilla Breeze and tells them to remove the “broken LCD” reference from the product description of iSurprise. Vanilla Breeze obeys. Later, Apple contacts them again, demanding the cracking animation effect be removed from iSurprise. But why? Apple states they were getting too many phone calls from their customers claiming their devices have become broken by using iSurprise.
Are you freaking serious? What moron claims there iPhone is really broken after using a gag cracked LCD app. The broken effect is not by default … the user must deliberately select the option. Broken iPhones due to iSurprise? … please … something smells like bull krap here. But this is “F My Life” Apple-style – so sucks for you Vanilla Breeze. They are pulling the broken LCD version and replacing it with a Lite non-cracked version … guess Apple will receive less calls from dumb shits.
(please note – iSurprise has a compatibility with OS 3.x, which has a workaround. Vanilla Breeze submitted an update, but sadly, it was never approved)
This whole “Apple changing the rules” thing is the latest trend in the idiotic app approval policies. Just yesterday, Josh over at Just Another iPhone Blog wrote an article about the iStat app, where Apple is requiring the removal of its best feature … freeing up iPhone memory. Now iSurprise get’s stripped of its best feature … yet hard core porn still remains in the Check myHottie app? Cracked LCD = not acceptable … Porno = acceptable (and don’t give us that shit for brains argument … Apple is not distributing pornography, users 
are generating it).
Apple’s bizarre behavior is starting to scare us. It’s like we’re in George Orwell’s “1984” novel, trying to survive a repressive, totalitarian regime. It’s Apple’s world and we’re just living in it.
(for more details about the iSurprise drama, check out the Vanilla Breeze web site)
It’s Not Creepy, It’s Cool – Write Your Own Obituary With Fun Obit
We come across our fair share of “Emo iPhone Apps” – melodramatic and depressing:
> Daily Downer – aka the Have A Shitty Day app
> US Deficit / Debt Apps – yeah we feel like krap knowing our
country is nearly $12 billion in the whole, no need for a
constant reminder
> Death Clocks / When You Will Die Calculators – oh that’s
freaking comforting
> Pocket Cemetery – ah, your own personal graveyard …
so nice
Thank you – uplifting. And look now, goodie – another one to add to our list … Fun Obit.
Our immediate reaction was … WTH?!? Yeah, we’ll give a few brownie points to Fun Obit [iTune – $0.99] for being original, but seriously … OBITUARIES? Just seems a bit creepy and odd writing your own obit … you know – like emo. So we reluctantly decided to contact Fun Obit developer, Tim Whitney, to inquire WTH was he thinking making this app. Reluctant because we thought he’d be a kook – like all voodoo death-wish and shit. But the more we talked Tim, the more his stuff made sense and damn it – we started to dig his app (hell, maybe he’s a mind ninja) …take a read at Tim’s thought process …
My hope is people will realize that the one thing we all have in common beyond death is we need an obit – why not write your own while you’re alive? Why not really make laughter the best medicine? Heck, it’s your 15 minutes of fame on the way out the door … death sucks, make every day count and laugh like hell in the process.
Hmm … sounds like us – we like to laugh and living is cool … why leave it to some shmohawk to write our obituary? And you know, this app also might help with a bit of self-reflection, closure and celebration of life … look at those emos smiling now!
So now that we’re all cool with Fun Obit … we tinkered around with it and we like! Emos … errr … users have the option of writing their own obituary in the Free Writing Mode or with the help of answering whacky questions in the Q&A Mode. We selected the “Death By Twitter” Q&A template and ended up dying as a truck carrying black-colored vibrators swerved to avoid a tiger which recently escaped from the Krapertino Zoo and hit our 1978 Mercury Krapi. LOL … great stuff and love the fact we could add a picture to our obit.
Create and save your obit, then email it to family, friends, co-workers or whoever directly from within the app. We chose to email our “Death By Twitter” obituary to Mama KRAPPS – we immediately got a call from her accusing us of being on drugs. After we explained the concept of Fun Obit, she was cool with our surprise message. Mama KRAPPS downloaded the app and wrote her version of our obit (that’s another cool thing – friends and family can join in on the obit writing entertainment). LOL … oh Mama KRAPPS, you funny … writing what pains in the asses we are … yeah, thanks mom – we love you.
And how about this feature … Request An Obituary. Fun Obit provides a convenient request screen where you can email obit requests from others about you. It’s a great way to freak out the recipient (hello, please write my obituary), yet reflect on life in a fun and unique way.
Fun Obit [iTunes – $0.99] … creepy? Nah, not really. This app might help us all remember that life is supposed to be filled with laughter and good times, why shouldn’t death celebrate the same … Fun Obit … it’s not creepy, it’s cool.
Can Pictures Talk? Sure They Can With Living Photo (aka We Love Steve)
Living Photo [iTunes], by Conspiracy Entertainment (cool logo – do want t-shirt), is a photography / entertainment app which makes your images ALIVE. Yup, just like the name implies … your photos become animated with blinking eyes and a moving mouth. “Moving mouth” is the fun part as Living Photo enables the user to record and embed a custom audio message. Let your imagination run wild! Think talking cows, singing babies, burping pancakes, screaming chickens, etc. Of course you can also go the “traditional” route … Happy Birthday greetings, I Love You notes, Sorry I Suck apologies, Mother’s Day wishes (flowers suck and eventually end up in the trash … send a Living Photo instead) and more. Once your masterpiece is complete, you can share your utter perfect nonsense via email or upload to YouTube directly within the Living Photo app. It’s simple to use, awesome and provides loads of entertainment … all for only 99 cents. Check out a few “traditional” Living Photo examples below …
But since KRAPPS is not your traditional iPhone site, we’ll take the path less traveled … let’s make our hero, Steve Jobs, come to life!
Step 1
Launch app (duh) and select the “Tools/Gears” button from the toolbar. Select “New” from the Tools menu and touch “Yes” on the popup message. To upload an image into Living Photo … choose “Photo From Camera” to take a picture from within the app … “Photo From Library” to select a picture from your Camera Roll … or “Load Living Photo” to retrieve a previous stored project.
Step 2
Once your image loads, select the “Smiley Face” button. This will activate the face template where you can scale and move the eyes and mouth targets. Place these three targets over the appropriate area of the image. The eye targets will eventually blink, while the mouth target will talk.
Step 3
Flair is cool … so add some to your picture. Select the “Flair” button and choose from 40 different options …stars, flowers, glasses, facial hair, earrings and more. In our “Steve Comes To Life” example … guess we could’ve chosen the halo flair (after all, he is our savior), but ultimately decided to choose the “hearts of love” option (although we were tempted by the horny devil selection … LOL).
Step 4
Adding a custom audio message is a breeze. Select the “Microphone” button … then the “Record” button … and begin recording up to 60 seconds. Select “Done” and you are done recording (duh).
Finally, click the “Play” button on the far right of the toolbar to enter the preview screen. If all good … select the “Tools/Gears” button where you can save, email or upload your living photo to YouTube.
Awesome … Steve is in love – we love Steve! (sorry, we’ll shut up now with the Apple fan boy krap) Anyways, to wrap this up … Living Photo is a high quality, easy to use app which will provide endless fun and entertainment for the entire family.
Quality products from Conspiracy Entertainment are a given since they’re a major game publisher for all platforms … releasing over 70 titles since inception in 1997 including Real Heroes: FireFighter (Wii) – Enclave (Xbox) – Road Trip (PlayStation) – and more. For a mere 99 cents, Living Photo [iTunes] is a steal, an amazing value and 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified. We love Living Photo (and we love Steve)!
This iPhone App Makes Your Pants Fall Down
Our first KRAPPS article featured an app which converts the iPhone into an amazing piece of jewelry. Containing various jewels, flowers, animals, and insects, the Amulet app allows the user to customize and transform their iPhone into the most dope necklace … perfect for those extraordinary occasions where bling is in. The app even contains detailed instructions for making an iPhone neck holder from an ordinary plastic six-pack beverage carrier. As you can see, even back then, the App Store was already revolutionary.
Well one good iAccessory deserves another. Thus the folks at Fiesta Cabin Software decided to one-up the Amulet necklace and launch … Buckle … including instructions!
Yo – see that?!? … “Bask In The Glory That Is Your Wearable iPhone” … pardon our
man-moment, but honestly, as a proud iPhone owner … da shit is bringing tears to our eyes – it’s just so beautiful. <weep>
Plus get a load of these krapptastic features … Choose from 26 stock buckle selections or generate your own – Create a buckle play list (slideshow) – Buckle statistics (total views, total time viewed) – and more … WOW! Pardon – another teary man-moment! <weep> Fiesta Cabin are freaking morons for only charging 99 cents for Buckle. This thing is way better than Real Racing which goes for $9.99 … so thinking Buckle is easily a $14.99 app – totally worth it!
Anywho, we’re out. All the cool kids are doing it, so gotta go finish customizing our killer new iPhone belt buckle to impress the hotties. That and figure out a solution to a bug we discovered in Buckle … every time we answer the iPhone, our pants fall down! <weep>
Hard Core Porn On Display In Check myHottie – Along With Child Photographs [Update]
Last Friday we featured a new “Rate My Hotness” app called Check myHottie. Users upload images to the app, which are then rated and comments are left by others. At the time of our writing (within 12 hours of release), Check myHottie had a scattering of topless images. Although the developers, Macrominds, implemented a “Flag” button to report unappropriate (huh?) images … this attempt has clearly failed as the Check myHottie app is now littered with numerous hardcore pornography images.
The above screenshots are not examples of the hardcore pornography we found within the Check myHottie app. But in efforts to keep KRAPPS relatively “Safe For Work”, we simply could not “black-bar” censor most of the images due to their extremely graphic nature. Let’s just say that the omitted photos make Playboy look like the Sunday comics.
What’s even more disturbing than the aforementioned hardcore porno images, are the pictures of young children also found within the Check myHottie app. By young, we don’t mean sixteen years old … rather in the five to twelve year old range. To be clear, there are NO nude underage pictures … however, the fact that these children are on display with hardcore pornography, coupled with the fact their images are receiving sexually orientated comments, is absolutely sick and disgusting (even the users of Check myHottie are offended by the images).
While Apple publicly claims it … “will not distribute applications that contain inappropriate content, such as pornography” … it’s obvious that user-generated “Rate My Hotness” apps are unable to properly restrict pornography. When children are on display next to hardcore pornography and their images receive sexually perverted comments … well – that’s a serious problem. And in the case of the Check myHottie app, an on-going problem for the past four days which seemingly is not being noticed in Krappertino … errr … Cupertino.
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