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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
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- Recap Week Of January 3
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Crazy Letters App Fittingly Developed By A Crazy Dev
We have this friend named Mike (yes, that’s his real name) … Mike has issues. He’s the guy who’ll notice if a picture hanging in his house is slightly crooked and just has to straighten it immediately. He’s the guy who organizes his CD collection by genre, then record label, then producer, then alphabetical, then release date, then SKU. He’s the guy who barely passed Writing Composition because he could never quite start off writing his term paper correctly. Mike characterizes his behavior as being a perfectionist … we think he’s simply a freak.
However, his “Freak” is our “Gain”. You see Mike is also a talented app developer … and of course, being the freak … errr … perfectionist he is, no way is Mike going to release some piece of krapp. Nope … when Mike releases an app, he makes sure his development behavior is 110% over-the-top.
Take for example his latest app … Nabbed [iTunes] … right from the get go, he didn’t think the name was perfect enough, so he changed it to Crazy Letters. The Crazy Letters app enables you to apply letters, numbers and punctuation to any image in your iPhone’s camera roll or from taking a picture within the app … thus creating a custom caption.
There are over 500 characters to choose from. The characters are ransom note-style … meaning cut outs from magazines, each with a unique color, style and font. Ok … so most normal people would simply purchase a ransom note font package and program it into the app. But not our friend Mike. Poor bastard sat there for months … hand cutting letters, numbers and punctuation from countless stacks of magazines … putting them in piles … the A’s, the B’s, the C’s, etc … then scanned and Photoshopped each one into digital files. Seriously, who does this kind of stuff … total freak.
But like we said, his “Freak” is our “Gain” … because the final product of Crazy Letters is absolutely superb. The user interface is simple and intuitive, the processing is fast and smooth … and of course the hand cut graphics are outstanding. You can position each word anywhere with a touch of a finger, change the style of letters by simply shaking your phone, save to camera roll, email to friends or upload directly to Flickr. The possibilities with Crazy Letters are endless … and for only 99 cents, provides hours or repeat entertainment.
Sure enough, Mike is already freaking out about Crazy Letters … thinks it needs improvements … so he’s submitted an update for approval which will give pinch to scale ability. Yeah, that and he’s still cutting out letters from magazines by hand … LOL – poor dude has no life. Help this psycho out and purchase Crazy Letters … maybe we can get him enough bank where he will finally put down the scissors before he hurts himself.
Hey Apple, You Just Got Punk’d
Lately as we peruse the App Store, it’s like watching an episode of Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d … the MTV television show in which hidden cameras film elaborate pranks on unsuspecting celebrities. From the show’s web site, Punk’d is defined as … To be made a fool of as the target of an extravagantly arranged prank, as in "You just got punk’d!" In our case, the developers are playing the role of Ashton Kutcher, while Apple is the unsuspecting celebrity. It seems some apps are specifically made by developers to punk’d Apple … to see just how stupid of a freaking iPhone app Apple will approve.
Our version of Punk’d first started when we reviewed the Nothing app … an app which – as you can guess – does nothing. Who in their right mind would approve such an app …
hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
Then we profiled the Is It An App? app … hell, this app should have been rejected based on the title alone … is Is It An App? app an app (we think that makes sense) … uh, no … it flat out sucks – hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
Now we come across three more wonderful pieces of krapp. Such garbage that they were probably developed due to a double dog dare … we double dog dare you to submit the stupidest app you can think of to Apple.
Ah … the Friday? app. Something Apple should be very proud of featuring in their revolutionary App Store. Launch the Friday? app and depending on the day of the week, you either get a clever “Yes” or “No” answer. Good stuff … because most iPhone owners are freaking idiots who don’t even know what day of the week it is. Uh no … the Friday? app is good stuff because – hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
This next app is actually quite handy as everyone would agree, it majorly blows when you lose your iPhone. Well no fears … download the Where Is My iPhone? app and it’s all good. Launch this app and it displays a message as to the location of your phone … “You’re Looking At It”. Damn, thank you Mr. Obvious – hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
Now the last app is just not fair … it’s like taking candy from a kid … just a cruel, cruel (we used the word “cruel” twice for emphasis – sometimes we roll like that) joke on Apple. So far this is the biggest punk’d in the App Store … meet the Ashton Kutcher of apps –> the Most Useless Application Ever! app … an app which insults the user for downloading and using the app. Seriously, WTF is this?!?! Even the developers claim they set a new low in the App Store – hey Apple, you just got punk’d
Damn Apple … what up? We know there’s a minimum functionality requirement somewhere in that iPhone SDK Agreement of yours … wouldn’t hurt to use it. Then again, maybe not. Apple, you just keep doing what you’re doing … we’re big fans of Punk’d.
The “Place iPhone On Fat Belly And Lose Weight” App
We’re going to shout it from the highest mountain tops …
The iPhone Has Changed Our Life!
Before the iPhone, we were fat, bald and a disaster with the chicks. Well thanks to the Hair Clinic app, we now have a full head of healthy hair. Chicks? Yeah, chicks dig us now because we use the Hot Radar app … it helps us score. Sadly though … we’re still large and in charge – XXXL baby! Ok, so maybe the iPhone didn’t totally change our life … got Hair, got Chicks, got Big Belly. Whatever, two out of three ain’t bad.
So this chunky monkey thing … it’s not like we’re ignoring the issue. We’ve been busting our ass trying every new weight loss fad …
Acai Berry Diet – sucks … makes our poop bright orange and thinking we’re now sterile.
Weight Loss Lip Gloss – the Too Faced Fuze Slenderize lip gloss promised to curb our appetite and boost our energy … it’s bullshit, our lips now look like our butt cheeks.
Overnight Skinny Cream – high hopes for this one … lose weight while you snooze with the Fatgirlsleep body balm by Bliss … garbage, we broke out in hives.
Calorie Burning Drink – Enviga is a sparkling green tea mixed with caffeine and antioxidants, this Coca-Cola product promised to boost our metabolism and burn extra calories … guess what, Coke sucks – they lied – so now we wash down our triple cheeseburger with Diet Pepsi.
So yeah, we’ve been doing stuff … ok, we might not be exactly in the gym, pushing iron, doing pilates or getting a sore scrotum from spin class … but piss off, don’t be a hater!
Anyways … we now have high hopes to finally win this battle of the bulge and it’s because of our revolutionary iPhone. We’re talking about the new weight loss app from DailyBurn called FatBurner2K …
Isn’t FatBurner2K swell? Stick the iPhone on your buffet blimp (for best results, precisely 6 inches above the belly button) and have it literally shake the crap out of your fat molecules. Heck with words like … Disharmonic and Physical Oscillation … we gladly plopped down our 99 cents in hopes of becoming a lean, mean, loving machine.
The only thing we haven’t quite figured out is how to keep the damn iPhone on our spare tire when using FatBurner2K while finding a parking spot, getting a haircut or smoking a filtered cigarette … sucker keeps falling off. Maybe there’s like this strap-on attachment thing we don’t know about … hands free phone calls and weight loss … revolutionary!
No Matter How You Say It – You Are A Douche Bag
Sometimes the most simple and straight forward apps provide the highest entertainment value. No trendy 15-year-old naked girl pictures – no sexy hot bikini girls from every creed, color and race – no poop race car driving – no touching crotch – no models that have VD … and certainly no farting, puking, pissing or zit picking – those were so 5 months ago!
Nope, sometimes the most successful KRAPPS are just he good old-fashioned, no beating around the bush, get straight to the point kind of app. The kind of app that when you press a button, your iPhone blares:
“You Are A Douche Bag!”
Seriously, how perfect is that? … You Are A Douche Bag! … think about these words of wisdom, perfect for just about any life situation …
> Some dumbass talking during Transformers? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some dipshit on an airplane reclines his seat so far back he’s now laying in your lap? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some wanker keeps asking the teacher inane questions and prolonging class? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some dickhead using speaker phone in public areas at work? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some ass wipe who completes every sentence with, “Ya know what I’m sayin”? …
You Are A Douche Bag
Simple, straight forward and to the point – You Are A Douche Bag … and that’s why developer Arty Baby is brilliant. Dude was basically sick of calling out all the douche bags in his life, so he created the youDB app [iTunes] to do the work for him. Launch app – push button … You Are A Douche Bag.
But since douche bags come in all shapes, sizes and nationalities … that clever Arty included the douche bag call out in TWELVE different languages. French douche bags, 
German douche bags, Italian douche bags, Spanish douche bags, Finnish douche bags, Portuguese douche bags and more … it’s like the United Nations Of Douche Bags!
Although youDB is classified as an Entertainment app, we strongly encourage Arty to re-categorize the app as a Utility … having your iPhone call someone a douche bag in not 1 but 12 languages – that’s a helluv useful utility … let’s see your piece of shit Blackberry Storm do that, biatch!
Only problem with the youDB app is the fact that this Arty character opened up a real can of worms. We know a ton of Russian a-holes and would love to smack them with a
Ruski-style douche bag. And heck, no Asian or Middle-Eastern douche bag call outs? – WTF is that? – these folks are just begging to be douche bagged. Anyways, hopefully Arty will feel enough douche bag pressure to bang out a few updates so people worldwide can properly unite and fight the good douche bag fight … do it Arty!
Secrets Of A Millionaire iPhone App Developer
Ok developers, listen up … it’s time we let you in on a little iPhone secret. Similar to those Twitter “get rich quick” schemes (man those are annoying – we blame Oprah!) , we have a guaranteed system that will get you big bank by selling your iPhone app the “KRAPPS Way” (and no, don’t develop the biggest piece of krapp application for the sole purpose of being featured here on KRAPPS – LOL).
Below are examples of apps selling the “KRAPPS Way”. Pay attention … quiz at the end.
You know those plain vanilla wristwatch apps? Why develop another lame one when you can release … the My Sexy Watch app
Or what about the classic game of Hangman? Booooring! What the world really needs is … the Sexy Hangman app
Sleep machines are cool. They play soothing sounds that enable you to snooze like a baby. But does the App Store really need another sleep machine app? No! The App Store is begging for … the Sexy Dreams app
We like puzzle games. The kind that have a bunch of scattered pieces and your job is to slide them back together again and reveal a picture. But you can’t make bank from just any picture, you need … the Amazing Sexy CowGirl iSlider app
Honestly …. Sudoku sucks! But this we like … the Sexy Sudoku app
The iPhone’s technology is amazing. Take for example its GPS functionality – apply this feature the right way and you’ll never get lost again … with a simple push of a button, you’ll always be able to find your way back home. But slow down sparky – think about it! This is your moment to shine with … the Take Me Home I’m Sexy! app
So ok Mister iPhone App Developer … we’ve given you 6 examples of how to make bank off your app the “KRAPPS Way”. You’re a smart dude, reading KRAPPS and doing the whole Coca Language thing … show me the money!
Right you are … SEX, SEX, SEX … sex sells and it’s as simple as adding the word “Sexy” to the title of your app. And no worries, don’t be all pushing and shoving … getting in our grill. There’s plenty of sex for everyone … Sexy Baseball – Sexy Twitter – Sexy Shazam – Sexy Pandora – Sexy Turn By Turn Navigation – Sexy Moron Test – Sexy Tetris – Sexy Skype – and more … LOL – and you thought the “S” in the new iPhone 3GS stood for speed … NOT! Introducing iPhone 3GS … They Sexiest iPhone yet.
WOW! – Biggest Boobs Witnessed In An iPhone App
Thought we witnessed the biggest boobs in an iPhone app with Bikini World …. uh no, we were wrong – dead wrong!
Apple salutes GYNORMOUS BOOBS, not once …. but three times ….
Busty Buxom Curvy Cuties … it’s three times the BOOBYLICIOUS fun!
Beer, Sexy Girls And Barf – App Store Nirvana
As the saying goes … Men Think With Their “Pants” (if you prefer, you can replace “pants” with the appropriate male organ to make it read more PG-13). As with most stereotypes, there is a certain amount of truth to this claim. So the clever folks at Gaming Unfolded decided to leverage this male weakness to their advantage and turn Weiner-Logic into gold.
Enter the latest and greatest sexy hot chick iPhone app –> iCountBeer. But this is no ordinary bikini girl spice app … this one appeals to only the dumbest of Neanderthals …
Great balls of brilliance (pun intended)! Pay a buck … load and launch app … drink a beer … remove a beer. And your ultimate objective is to fully uncover the erotic babe hiding behind the stack-o-beer. This reward will only require consuming TWENTY beers … sure pencil-neck, go for it … TWENTY beers.
Oh look … poor pencil-neck completed the iCountBeer app and is now being rushed to the hospital in a Wambulance for alcohol poisoning. Freaking dumbass. Here’s a tip for those Neanderthals who insist on thinking with their johnson … go buy the Bikini Blast app for a buck – you get more boobie babes to look at, it’ll provide instant gratification and you’ll avoid spending the next 24 hours worshipping the porcelain god. Better yet … stop thinking with your dick.
But hey, it’s cool … nothing like an app to encourage irresponsible drinking … bravo Apple, the App Store is indeed revolutionary.
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