SexLife iPhone app by Xanadu Interactive … it’s not so much about the app but the hysterical trailer these folks have created. Guess the clip is trying to be all sexy … but we failed to get all hot and bothered, even with the subtle female moans … more like LMAO.
Oh sure … it might come off as all innocent and charming, but it ain’t gonna to fool us! We know exactly what you’re all about mister Roll Your Own …
This free iPhone app is certainly a wealth of knowledge. It contains all the information you’ll need to become a Rolling Ninja … rolling techniques, preparation methods, mixtures, papers, packing, etc. Roll Your Own also contains detailed step-by-step instructions (70+ detailed photos) or if you’re more into motion, handy-dandy videos are available.
With Roll Your Own, you’ll totally impress everyone at your next “social gathering” … besides the standard boring Classic roll, you can amaze friends when you pass them a Tulip or Pyro roll … complex techniques which Roll Your Own will help you master.
Blunt? Doobie? Fatty? … hahaha … we know the real truth behind Roll Your Own!
The app’s description certainly sounds erotic … “sensual” – “delights” – “lips” – “sexy soundtrack” …
Presenting the most elegant and sensual culinary delights you ever had the pleasure of wrapping your lips around…
Features a sexy soundtrack featuring a user-controlled real-time dynamic audio equalization.
But come on … is Sushi Better Than Sex … really? No seriously … REALLY?
This might be a case of TMI (too much information), but for 300 million men worldwide who suffer from erectile dysfunction, the new iPhone application … Am I Ready Yet? … is just as handy as other apps like Evernote, Netflix or Dictionary.com.
Per Wikipedia … erectile dysfunction is characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection of the penis sufficient for satisfactory sexual performance. To combat this droopy dick syndrome (not a medical term – we just made it up), many individuals take prescription drugs such as Viagra, Levitra or Cialis.
However using these drugs is not as simple as Pill -> Hard-On -> Intercourse. Proper planning must take place to ensure the user’s “response time” (peak pecker period) is in sync with the humpty hump phase. But even with careful planning, erection quality results are not guaranteed. Variables such as age, fitness, weight and more … complicate pitching-a-tent predictions.
This is where Am I Ready Yet comes into play … the app allows users to enter their personal information to more accurately predict “readiness range”. Just select the medication (Viagra 25mg, Cialis 10mg, etc.) … age, height, weight, etc. … and time of intake. From there, the app works its magical erection equation and sends you a push notification of when your penis is ready for sex.
Again, maybe Am I Ready Yet is TMI … but in an App Store filled with egg, top raman and suntan timers … a boner alert really doesn’t seem that out of place.
Payton Kane is
a douchebag THE man. He’s a ninja at bagging chicks … a self-proclaimed master pick-up artist. He scams shares his wisdom through radio talk shows, home study courses and seminars ranging from $199 to $9,875. Just look at the pictures of Payton below … touching on, feeling up and groping hot chicks … dude is our idol!
So how does a man with a receding hairline do it? How does Payton Kane bang all these lovely babes without paying them? Payton will tell you in his new iPhone app … Seduce, Conquer and Destroy – The Ultimate Dating Home Study Course … but it’ll cost you the bargain price of $39.99.
Now Payton is no moron. He knows that before someone plunks down a cool 40 bones, he better hook the
sucker prospect with intriguing promises in the app’s description like …
Learn how to manipulate her
Learn how to use her emotions and looks against her
Learn how to get the instant upper hand
Learn how to not let her know what your intentions are
Learn how to control her
Learn how to tame her
Learn how to string her along
Learn how to control your wife or girlfriend
Learn how to wrap her right around your finger
Basically Payton will teach you how to be a REAL man … because REAL men treat women like shit … seduce, conquer and destroy. Hooray – for only $40 … you too can become an asshole today!
Yet another proud “WTF Moment” from the brainiacs in Cupertino …
If Apple is so against selling overtly sexual applications in the App Store, why on earth would they approve the Lesbian Videos and Breast Videos apps? From their title, to description, to screenshots … these apps represent everything Apple is so dead set against. Bravo Apple … way to keep your business strategy and rulings consistent.
The app starts by grabbing your attention … WARNING – FOR ADULTS ONLY – 17+ … then continues to read like a best seller from Vivid …
Lesbian – sexual and romantic desire between females
HOT Lesbians – Lesbian Lovers – Teen Lesbians
Blondes, Brunettes, and Redheads – Multiple Partners – In the Bed, on the Couch
At $1.99, it’s impossible for any penis carrying human to resist such temptation. And bravo to the developers … in just three days after release, the titillating title and arousing description vaulted Lesbian Videos to #4 in the Lifestyle category. As if another “Sex Sells” proof point was needed.
This one takes us back to the App Store’s glory days … with applications like Epic Boobs, Asian Boobs and Boob Trading Cards (we still cherish our Kim Kardashian rookie boob card – so cute) why even bother with some witty title? Just give ‘em what they want … BOOBIES!
Racks, tits and boobs! It’s time to see some female breasts in BREAST VIDEOS!
HOT WOMEN – Real Breasts – LARGE Breasts – Fake Silicone Breasts – Small Breasts
Oh … just in case you’re not very familiar with boobs … Breast Videos gives a useful educational tidbit about erect nipples (gee thanks) …
And finally, let’s not forget about another fine video collection we featured just last week …
Now before you get all hot and bothered by Lesbian Breast Orgasm Videos, please note … Apple seems to have lax standards when it comes to accurate app descriptions. Actually let’s just call a spade a spade … Lesbian Breast Orgasm Videos are 100% MISLEADING (thanks Apple). Don’t believe us … check out horny dude who bought the Lesbian Videos application … the same review can be applied to the other apps as well. OUCH!
Here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice …
Looking for a way to spice things up in the bedroom? … Try having more spontaneous sex. Want to continue in your sexual slump? … Use the Sex Organizer iPhone app.
Sex Organizer is the first complete sex planner for iPhone (and transforms users into droids). With features such as a sex calendar, sex diary, position planner and more … Sex Organizer promises a unique way to organize your sexual life. And if all this sexual organization isn’t enough … it has an integrated social media feature which allows the user to broadcast and share positions with friends via Twitter or Facebook (huh?).
Look, we get it. Kids, work, chores, etc. … most couple are busy, busy, busy. To avoid lovemaking ruts … organization and scheduling is necessary.
But there’s nothing better than just getting it on. No planning, no thinking … no Sex Organizer app … just spontaneous sex.
[stepping off our soapbox now]