All right, let’s get right to the point … being constipated sucks! You feel bloated, heavy, sluggish and generally uncomfortable. Hell, even worse, constipation can lead to hemorrhoids and a hernia – this is not all good!
So to promote regular bowel movements and maintaining your health, the brilliant minds at Thats A Girls Name Solutions (TAGn Solutions) have released the first iLaxitive …
Help Me Poop.
Apparently research has shown that falling, crashing, splattering and plunking sounds loosen your stool and help you drop the kids off at the pool. Not really sure how we missed this nugget of wisdom, but it’s nice to know that Apple has our back with the approval of Help Me Poop. And at only 99 cents, think of all the money you’ll save by not having to buy prune juice, fiber or ex-lax … money that can be put towards the purchase of the iPhone 4.
So while your getting all excited about the aforementioned new iPhone … think about and be grateful for the iPhone’s crowning achievement – a healthy and happy ass!
With over 175,000 applications available for download on the App Store, there’s bound to be a few gems that get unnoticed. Certainly most iPhone users have heard of Pocket God, Doodle Jump, Shazam or Pandora Radio. But can the same be said about Poker vs Strong Female Role Models? Or iSlinky? Or Mystery Butt? Doubt it … unless you’re a loyal KRAPPS reader, chances are you missed these glorious needles in the haystack.
Today we are very pleased to present another KRAPPtastic example of iPhone brilliance … the “Golden Turd” of the App Store … PooPong.
The beauty of PooPong is in its simplicity. There’s really not much going on in this game … just a classic remake of Atari’s Pong game, originally released in 1972 … with literally a bit of crap thrown in to really stink it up. PooPong is Pong with poop instead of a ball … plus obligatory fart sounds to really make this game KRAPPS.
Oh, did you notice the STELLAR graphics in the image above? They are to die for! And get this … PooPong has, count ‘em, two different modes … unlimited play and first to five points … WOW! And not only does the game include two different modes, but it also includes two different difficulty levels … easy or hard … WOW! All this poopy goodness can be had for only 99 cents … WOW!
Of course don’t take our word for it. Be sure to check out the epic PooPong demo video below (why it hasn’t gone viral is simply baffling) … complete with riveting bouncing poop action and eerily realistic fart sound effects … which all make PooPong a real shitter.
We wonder about stuff. Like what hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man? Or why the alphabet is in that order? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? And if you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
But all these curiosities pale in comparison to our most puzzling mystery … how much does our poop weigh? Oh don’t laugh … at least we have the balls to admit that when we look into the bowels of the porcelain god, we often wonder the weight of our fecal matter. It’s a mesmerizing proposition and not something that can be satisfied by simply
pooping popping it on a scale.
So this is when your iPhone comes in handy. This is when putting up with all the annoyances of your sack of suck cellular (say that five times fast) provider, AT&T, finally pays off. Wondering how much crap weighs … this is when the uPoop app really
No, it’s not what you think. Pretty poop photography is not involved as the developers of uPoop, Harmonist Inc., have not unleashed the power of fecal recognition software. Rather, uPoop is a device that will calculate the weight of your bowel movements based on the food you have eaten.
Harmonist Inc. is comprised of four North Carolina State students with an affinity for predictive analytics and primal Wolfpack urges of pinching a loaf. So it totally makes sense that these brilliant minds collaborated to release a crappy calculator (you can read that however you want). In an official company statement, Harmonist Inc. claims that uPoop is a demonstration of the lighter side of the company … LOL, we won’t weigh in on that one (as usual, pun intended).
So did you hear about the new iPhone game Moo Cow Fury? Yeah, it’s pretty hysterical -involving racing cows, poop and fire. Sure it doesn’t come close to competing with EA in terms of polish and shine, but with an amusing premise and decent enough gameplay, we can think of worse ways to spend a buck. Click here to check out a gameplay video or visit the App Store to download Moo Cow Fury … two versions: $0.99 [iTunes] or Free ad-supported [iTunes].
Argh! Wish we could stop right there. But we can’t … oh daddy, what were you thinking:
Yeah, we get it … daddy is a very proud parent and encouraging young Nicholas. Seriously, that kind of support is awesome! There are so many 100% suck deadbeat dads in the world and it’s a breath of fresh air seeing that Nicholas has a great dad (yo Nicholas! – don’t forget – Father’s Day is June 21 – do something nice for papa!). But to throw the 12-Year Old Kid card into the title of the app … well, just a tad over-the-top. Then to lead off the game’s description with this detailed explanation of Nicholas’ quest to learn Objective-C and produce an iPhone app … well, yeah … it’s over-the-top.
Come on dad … we’re talking RACING COWS … POOP … and FIRE! Moo Cow Fury kicks butt on its own and we’re buying it because cows that poop while avoiding fire makes us laugh (yeah, we’re whack like that).
Not to turn this into a debate … but with 40,000 competing apps, something had to be done to get the pooping cow fire game noticed … so we guess Apple forced the 12-Year Old card hand. Hopefully it’s an Apple thing and not a delusional bias thing … yes Nicholas – your poop does stink … LOL.
Anyways … no doubt about it … geek 12-year olds who churn out iPhone games rock! And since we’re on the subject of geek kids … don’t forget to show some love to 9-year old Lim Ding Wen and his Doodle Kids [iTunes].
So the only question remains … whose app(s) rocks more … daddy or son Nicholas? LOL – we love you Nicholas dad!
Take a dump –> Look between your legs –> look at your poop, make a sketch of it –> now write down your poop’s consistency and how it smells –> finally, for tracking purposes, note current date, time and place.
Now repeat this process for a week … and voila … you made a poop journal (or for you artsy fartsy … a Poop Moleskin)! How freaking cool is that!?! What? What did you say? We are weird? … no, YOU’RE weird! .. What? … no – NO – YOU’RE WEIRD! … NO, YOU’RE WEIRD! whatever … SHUT UP .. you’re the one that’s WEIRD – WEIRD … ha! … weird! … blah!
Anyways, we think the folks at SWS Digital would agree with us … if you don’t like documenting the details of your defecation … well then … you’re the one that’s weird. And that’s why SWS Digital created the POOP THE WORLD app … so us normal turd tracking folks can conduct our business (no pun intended) on the iPhone. But this ain’t no ordinary poop journal … Apple only approves the ultimate in tootsie roll tracking. Let’s take a tour:
Choose from 20 different dookie-types which best represent the look of your crapola (ex = Gorillas In The Mist, Ring Of Fire, Trail Mix, etc.) … Select from 21 fragrances which best describe the smell of your sea pickle (ex = Fish & Otter Waste, Fungus and Moss, Grandma’s Fur Coat, etc.) … Then hit the Flush button to enter your do-do data.
My Poop Stats:
Track your personal poopie stats like total number of toilet twinkies taken, tonnage of waste generated and miles of toilet paper consumed. Share details of your last lumber by email.
Leveraging the iPhone’s GPS technology, you can keep track of your load’s location history or use the real-time Global Poop Map & Leader Board to view other users marking their territory around the world (how’s that for social media!).
A colon cobra competition where you have the chance to collect four trophies … satisfies even the most competitive chocolate soldier.
So there you have it … Apple’s gift to baked brownie aficionados … POOP THE WORLD. Call it what you want …pinch a loaf, ride the porcelain pony, drop a brick, feed the goldfish, launch a log, plant potatoes or leave a deposit … we call it like we see it – and we see POOP THE WORLD as the ultimate –> SUPER POOPER. (you’re weird … ha!)
Hi … question for ya … what do you do when you’re pooping on the toilet? No … seriously … we wanna know – when you’re sitting on the porcelain throne, whatcha got going?
Actually, picture this scene from the Family Feud game show … “100 people surveyed – top seven answers on the board –here’s the question – Name Something People Do While Taking A Poop … BEEEEEEP … read a newspaper …
yes, #1 answer!”
So ok, read a newspaper, what else … cut your fingernails? … homework? … eat? … listen to music? … tequila shots? And we think it’s safe to assume plenty of iPhone action on the pooper – textin’, emailin’, twitterin’, gamin’, etc.
But hey … here’s a great pooping activity – and it comes highly recommended by Apple. Next time you’re dropping the kids of at the pool while at work … whip out your betchin’ iPhone and calculate your poo’s worth. Yup – you got it … introducing the latest and greatest app approved by Apple … Poo Price (by Gourmet Pixel) … the only application that calculates the value of your dump. Yeah it’s dope (NOT) … just keep reading the app’s description for further awesomeness proof …
“Going to the toilet during work hours – it’s a clever thing to do! You’re getting paid for it and now you can work out how much. This clever app will calculate how much you’re being payed for taking a toilet break, choose your currency, enter your yearly salary and press the Start button. All you have to do then is finish your dirty work, click Stop and see the results!”
GENIUS! We’re sold! Freaking Apple just keeps rockin’ da house! And rumor has it that even Steve-o Jobs uses Poo Price … but his shit don’t stink and is certainly worth more bills that yours. Which gets us thinking … there should be a Poo Price-off … Steve Jobs versus Bill Gates. Screw the whole “I’m a Mac vs PC” nonsense … give the people what they really want … Steve or Bill … who craps the most gold?
Every now and then an app comes along that is so utterly moronic and lame that as writers, we simply let the app do the talking for us. No clever title … no intro paragraph hook … no LOL pictures … no witty commentary or catchy conclusion. Just straight up, raw, unadulterated iPhone application. Sort of like Naked Juice (no added sugar or preservatives) …. call it Naked KRAPPS – the 100% all natural krappy application.
Congrats to the folks at BarnacleJive Software for releasing the POOP app. As with all Naked KRAPPS, we’ll let the app do the talking. First we present the POOP description …
Next we have a few POOP screenshots …
And in conclusion we simply would like to applaud Apple for approving yet another integral application which enhances and adds value to the App Store. The world is a better place and our lives are now complete knowing that at our fingertips we have several hundred variations for the word POOP. Searching for nirvana? Just download POOP and experience the ultimate euphoria Apple has to give.