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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
- Wii iPhone 4 iOS Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Slap A Sexy Belly, Make Music, Huh? – Belly Jam iPhone App [Video]
- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
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WTH, Kanye West Interrupts Our Mystic Emporium Game Review
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
99 Games recently released the time management game Mystic Emporium [iTunes $3.99]. My wife’s a big fan of the genre, so
Yo, yo, yo
Hey, Kanye West, what are you doing here?
Imma let you finish your review, but first I gotta try to bring back my MEME and bust some rhymes ’bout this game
It’s not the least simplistic
When your magic’s gone ballistic
Gotta stretch the realistic
Take your emporium to the mystic
Peace out, back to you
Um, thanks for that great interlude and good luck with that whole "bring back the meme" campaign. Anyway, back to the game. You are tasked with helping the main character Lilly (the young witch) in her quest to own her own business, a magic shop. Each day you are presented with a baseline goal and, for you overachievers, an expert level goal. I’m a relative novice at this type of game and I was able to attain the expert goal in the first two levels. After the introductory levels, however, the game gets much tougher and you will find yourself scrambling to keep your customers happy.
Each level adds new elements and between each level you are given the opportunity to buy items to assist you in your quest. Early on, I snapped up the Fairy Dust shoes, which give a much needed boost to Lilly’s speed. I passed on the Leaky Cauldron, however, and decided to save up for a better one in a later round.
The game offers plenty of multi-tasking elements to keep it interesting. Some customers want potions, others are looking for crystals or magic rings. Some customers are impatient and others are more forgiving. I haven’t played enough to figure out all of the particulars, but that’s part of the fun (and the key to getting the expert level scores in the later levels).
Along the way, you’ll be able to play several mini-games which allow you to unlock "charms" which affect certain elements of the game, like providing the ability to earn extra tips.
The graphics and gameplay are top-notch and the sound and music add to the experience. If you prefer to listen to songs via the iPod, that’s supported as well. For your $3.99 [iTunes], you will receive hours of time management fun.
Apple Approves Blatant Doodle Jump Ripoff, Doodle Jumper
Even if you have a remote interest in the iPhone, chances are you’ve heard of Doodle Jump [iTunes $0.99]. Arguably the iPhone’s most successful game to date, Doodle Jump is a platform game developed and published by the two-brother team, Igor and Marko Pusenjak, of Lima Sky. On March 15, Doodle Jump turned 1 year old … already surpassing $3 million in sales – which Lima Sky claims is a first for any Indie development house.
Doodle Jump’s success is certainly well deserved. Igor and Marko work their asses off … constantly updating the game with fresh content (over 25 updates in year 1), reaching out to the media, connecting with fans, writing code, etc. Like we said, Lima Sky are indy developers … there is no team of artists, massive advertising budget or public relations gurus … just two dudes, working hard and crushing it. Doodle Jump is consistently ranked in the Top 10 of all paid apps … not to mention a very cool reference on the awesome TV sitcom The Big Bang Theory. If you haven’t played Doodle Jump, you are completely nuts … at 99 cents, it’s one of the best App Store bargains ever.
So the $3 million+ Doodle Jump grossed in its first year equates to almost $1 million for Apple (and roughly $2 million for Lima Sky). You would think by receiving a cool million, Apple would have Lima Sky’s back … huh, what? Yeah … Happy One-Year Birthday MOFO … Apple’s gift to Doodle Jump —> Doodle Jumper by CoolGame Studios.
Although “inspired” applications are nothing new in the App Store (heck, Doodle Jump was inspired by Papi Jump) and one can argue it breeds good competition which ultimately benefits consumers … blatant ripoffs of a unique original are a completely different story.
Back in November, we took issue with Pocket Devil being “too close for comfort” to Pocket God. Well Doodle Jumper makes Pocket Devil look angelic. From the name Doodle Jumper (yeah, great 2-letter product differentiation) … to the look-alike Doodler creature (oh, our bad … Doodle Jump’s Doodler has four legs, while Doodle Jumper’s has two) … to the identical gameplay of jumping up an unending series of platforms without falling … sorry, in our book, two additional letters and a couple of missing legs does not constitute an inspiration. It’s safe to say Doodle Jumper is a blatant ripoff of Doodle Jump.
But it’s all good … Doodle Jumper has “inspired” us. We’ll soon be submitting to Apple a few inspirational works … the Playboyer app, Tap Tap Revenger and I Am T—Painer. Apple seemingly doesn’t consider protecting copyright holders, thus it’s up to the individual owner to complain (hey, it’s Apple’s rules, guess they can do whatever they want). So as long as you don’t tell Playboy … we won’t either … and Apple will approve our Playboyer app. See … it really is all good.
Easy Virtue Ring Proudly Displays Your Affection For Promiscuous Sex
Bummed out by the App Store’s sudden sense of morals? Saddened your iPhone can no longer display smut? Well happy, happy, joy, joy … we’re here to turn your frown upside down!
Although Apple has done a thorough job of removing “overtly sexual” content, you can still be a card-carrying member of the Slut Club with the Easy Virtue Ring iPhone app … just what every father dreams of. *facepalm*
The Easy Virtue Ring is a direct response to the Purity Ring application and mocks those who wait until marriage … the description reads:
The Easy Virtue Ring is meant to be a replacement for the Purity Ring. Forget those crazy ideas. Do you really want to wait for marriage? What if your partner misrepresents their gender? Or turns out to be lame in bed? It’s simply not a good idea.
And like all good sinister apps (hooray for oxymorons), Easy Virtue Ring encourages users to give in to the temptation and engage in promiscuous sex …
Tired of saying “No”? Of course you are, it’s to much effort and not so much fun. Stop disrespecting Mother Nature and succumb to your desires… It’s easier and it’s a lot more fun. Take the Easy Virtue Pledge now.
See … the App Store is not all that bad good these days. Apple is still showing some love to all you sluts and manwhores. So make daddy proud … take the Easy Virtue Pledge today and offer your body as a very special present to ANYONE you may meet. *headdesk*
Butt Muffler – Yes, It’s A Real Live iPhone App
As you probably figured out by now, we feature iPhone applications from the outer fringes of the App Store. Whacky, weird, stupid and strange … the shit that other iPhone websites won’t touch (and hey, we don’t blame them … the stuff on KRAPPS can really suck).
This next app is exactly what we’re all about here at KRAPPS. As a matter a fact, it’s so KRAPPtastic that we present it with limited commercial interruption … just the name and its description … because really, there’s nothing left to be said.
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[cue clever introduction]
Seeing someone new?
Need a number two?
Don’t let them hear you poo!
Butt Muffler iPhone app … camouflaging the sound of your business.
Ever find yourself waiting for someone to use the dryer before you can do your poo? Well this app is for you…
The Butt Muffler emits masking or warning sounds from the comfort of your toilet seat!
Many traditional Butt Muffling techniques (such as flushing the toilet repeatedly) waste unnecessary water or electricity.The Butt Muffler is the environmentally friendly solution you have been waiting for!
New couples, work colleagues, and school mates can all benefit from the Butt Muffler! No more walk of shame!
Features…
* Mimics bathroom appliances.
* Pink noise generator (used in professional sound masking devices).
* Crowds for the proud (moral support for stubborn poos).
* Warning sounds (perfect for lockless bathroom doors).
* Plus other toilet entertainments.
Now you can drop anchor at poo bay, the modern way. Breezing confidently out of the bathroom without damaging the environment!
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Cheers to the folks at BrainFuel for providing this perfect iPhone nonsense called Butt Muffler. Little did they know that when writing Butt Muffler’s description, they were actually guest authoring a KRAPPS article … bravo, you’re hired!
eXtreme Sex Positions – Only App That Includes A Death Warning
Yesterday we traveled to Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, California to meet eXtreme Sex Positions developer Michael Bosch of Samba Studios. Although Michael was hospitalized with a broken pelvis and left wrist … he was kind enough to chat with us about his new sex positions iPhone app.
If you haven’t noticed, sex position applications are all the rage these days on the App Store. Makes sense … with Apple removing apps that contain “overtly sexual” images, all that’s left for sex-starved customers are applications depicting stick figures having intercourse. So as a result – hundreds of sex position apps … that seem to be selling very well. Sex Positions Game, 69 Positions, iKamasutra and Cosmopolitan’s Sex Position Of The Day are all top apps enjoying financial success.
Michael’s application is an all-star as well. eXtreme Sex Positions managed to break into the Top 10 of the Lifestyle category, even though the app comes with explicit warnings and disclaimers …
Samba Studios is not responsible for any damages which may result from attempting the sex positions in this application. These sex positions may result in extensive bodily injury or even death!
WTH … you can DIE using eXtreme Sex Postions?!? Judging by the pictures of the pink and blue gymnasts … this is true!
LMAO … Pogo Stick, Head Spinner … we’re not sure which reaction is most appropriate … “WOW” or “OUCH”.
Michael admits his app is not for everyone, “eXtreme Sex Positions is not for the faint of heart. These are the most extreme, difficult and DANGEROUS sex positions ever published!” Michael continued, “These sex positions are only recommended for those with advanced training in acrobatics or authentic ninjas”.
We asked Michael if he’s serious or just smokes to much dope … to which he replied, “You think this is some kind of a joke? I work my ass off identifying the craziest sex moves ever to appear in an iPhone app. Facefull Pile Driver – Rear Entry Goodie Bag Grabber – Backdoor Cartwheel … all my positions will test your strength, flexibility and stamina. Trust me KRAPPS … I take my work very seriously … putting my life in danger - researching and attempting every eXtreme position in the app. Needless to say, I’m not a top-ranked sex ninja … how do you think I ended up in the hospital?”
Fair enough … get well soon Michael!
aPad – A Sensible Alternative To The iPad
Can’t wait for an iPad? Don’t have $500 to drop on one? No worries … there’s an app for that (of course there is)! No Tie Software, same folks who make the uncensored AutoRingtone TEXT-TO-SPEECH ringtone application, have unleashed a very nostalgic app … aPad of Paper [iTunes].
aPad lets you download PDF-format "pads" suitable for printing, with different paper types. Go old school with Parchment or send your kid to class with a pad of Lined paper. There’s even Graph paper for the hardcore geek types.
Spoiler alert! The "battery indicator" is a tree log … after all, aPads do indeed grow on trees!
The aPad offers many things Apple’s iPad does not. Unlimited battery life … survives a 6 foot drop … outstanding aerodynamic properties (when folded properly). Plus something rare on the App Store … all the porn you want … as long as you can draw it. And it’s as thin as a sheet of paper – because that’s what it is!
So be a hit at the next office meeting when you whip out your own aPad! Anyone can buy an iPad but the aPad is so exclusive, you can’t buy it. Because it’s FREE!
Recap: Week Of March 8
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
March 8: Overtly Sexual Apps Return – Apple Fails To Enforce New Policy?
March 9: Determined To Bring Sexy Back, Developer Forced To Publish ‘I Love Burgers’ Fetish App
March 10: “This Is My Gift To All Current And Future iPhone Users” – Fart Dialer
March 11: Get Your Shit Together Apple – Hooters App Approved, Banned, Re-Approved, Re-Banned
March 12: Fart Smeller iPhone App – Enough Said
March 13: Crazy Frogs Jump For Their Lives – Dizzypad Game Review
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