-
-
-
-
Search
SUBSCRIBE
-
Recently Written
- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
- Wii iPhone 4 iOS Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Slap A Sexy Belly, Make Music, Huh? – Belly Jam iPhone App [Video]
- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
-
Categories
-
Archives
- August 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
-
Redneck Roundup – Apps For The Less Intelligent
Rednecks … gotta love em! Thinking Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company and Genitalia is an Italian airline. Always talking about how 5th grade was the best six years of their life. Complaining that they can’t marry their sweetheart because there is a law against it. Still confused over the OJ Trial … no Neck, it was not a taste test between Sunkist and Minutemaid! Then there’s Redneck Kindergarten (keg stand training starts early) – Redneck Hot Tub – and the finest life has to offer, Redneck Mansion and Redneck Limousine.
Even Apple loves Rednecks. Heck, didn’t you know there’s a special edition Redneck 
iPhone … includes a genuine rubber band!
And of course there are plenty of apps catering to those mullet-wearing, tobacco-chewing, possum-eating folks we call Necks.
Did someone mention chewing tobacco? Of course! Chew is a staple in any Redneck’s diet and serves as an important source of Neck nutrition. So be healthy … grab a pinch and shove it between your cheek and gum. Yummy … the iDip app … but how come no iSpittoon?!? Where’s a Neck to spit – oh yeah, just swallow that delicious nutritious nicotine laced tobacco juice. Yummy!
It’s often said that pigs (not dogs) are a Redneck’s best friend. Makes sense … they look, smell and have the same intelligence level. So naturally there is a strong affinity between the two. And no surprise that the APiggyClock app is the #1 timepiece among Necks. You got your digital display right in the hog’s nostrils … plus the app doubles as a Redneck soundboard complete with chicken and pig noises. Freaking sweetness!
Ever notice that Rednecks are so busy … watching paint dry, taming stallions, drinking beer and practicing guitar. So you would think a cool productivity app like Evernote or To Do’s would come in handy. NOT! Why would a Neck want such garbage when they can download the Get ‘R Done app and organize their time. Plus this app is so sexy … just looking at the icon just makes me want to swallow some more tobacco juice. That girl is so yummy!
Now besides picking their guitar, Rednecks love other musical instruments. Beer cans, chain saws, crickets, police sirens … and don’t forget your armpit is a beautiful source of melodies … YEEHAW, the Armpit Fart app!
But by far the best Redneck musical instrument is The Mouse Organ. It’s a very simple app … even a pig … errr … Neck can use it. Four brown mice … squish the mice with your finger … hear them squeak and watch them die and bleed. Oh hells yeah, that’s music to any Redneck’s ears!
Recap: Week Of August 3
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
August 3: “How NOT To Sell Your App”, by Angry Jewish Men – why are they so angry?
August 4: Zombies vs Sheep – Serious Gaming Action, Not Just For Zombie Geeks
August 5: Attention Walmart Shoppers – This App’s For You – enjoying the Walmart lifestyle
August 6: Apple Approves The Asian Boobs App (not a typo), Yet Censors The Dictionary – blatant sex trumps reference book
August 7: Wax A Hairy Groin With This iPhone App – get your freak on with this app
August 8: Potheads Rejoice Over New iPhone App Icon – a skull banging video presentation (just watch it – only 10 seconds of your time)
–> Bonus Round – so last week our buddy @frankstendal played the Plus One game and pushed the button 10,000 times! dude is a freaking animal! well wouldn’t you know it, some uber animal appeared and literally one-upped Frank. check out @Alex_Ferrigno’s screen shot below … a total mad man pushing the button TEN THOUSAND & ONE times!
Potheads Rejoice Over New iPhone App Icon
Potheads everywhere are jumping for joy. With the new Psychoactive Drugs app, your iPhone can now proudly display your constant state of mind. Gotta represent bro!
Dude, do it … Download it for the icon … Dude, that would be so killer … [talking on the phone, bangs head with iPhone] … Dude, that was my skull! I’m so wasted!
Wax A Hairy Groin With This iPhone App (FREAK)
Can we ask you a couple of personal questions? We promise not to judge and will keep 
your responses confidential … seriously, cross our hearts and pinky swear.
> Do you secretly desire applying wax on a
man’s hairy groin area using only your
fingers?
> Does it turn you on to rip off the applied wax
and witness your victim scream in pain
while his hairless groin pulsates and turns
pink?
If you answered “Yes” to one or more of the above … FREAK! But hey, it’s all good … like we said, we won’t judge (FREAK). Rather, we’re here to help you (SICKO) by announcing the new ManWax app from RustyCroc … guaranteed to satisfy your ultimate (FREAK) male pubic hair waxing fetish.
Hmmm … now that we think about it, these rusty crocodiles might be onto something. Just think about the possibilities … BikiniWax, LandingStripWax, BrazilianWax, AppleWax (for the ultimate fan-boy/girl), etc. Hey, don’t laugh … if Apple approved the Asian Boobs app, surely they would accept a whole plethora of pubic hair removal apps. And with Apple’s ridonkulous approval process, we wouldn’t be surprised if RustyCroc’s secret “project seagull” is really the Brightsmiles For Bungholes app (ewww … come on – let’s go … it’s a fashion trend!).
Apple Approves The Asian Boobs App (not a typo), Yet Censors The Dictionary
Attention stand-up comedians … you all SUCK! Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Larry The Cable Guy, Dave Chappelle, Sarah Silverman, etc … it’s time to sit down, shut up and just go away. There’s a new King Of Comedy! And just like Madonna, Bono, Prince and Sting … this act is too huge for more than one name … this comedian is simply known as –> APPLE.
Now have you seen Apple’s latest routine? It’s epic – absolute pant pissing hysteria! Well 
either that or you’ll experience one of those “WTF Moments” in life. Follow along closely …
ACT 1
The other day, Apple made the wise decision to censor the dictionary. You know – that reference book which contains definitions … the same reference book found in elementary schools. Yeah, dictionaries are EVIL! They contain objectionable words like ass, screw and snatch. Not only did Apple censor the dictionary, they slapped that filthy reference book with a 17+ rating. So sucks for you 16-year-old … you will not be purchasing the Apple censored Ninjawords Dictionary app.
ACT 2
So the day after saving the world from the dictionary, Apple does a favor to mankind and approves the Asian Boobs app. No, that is not a typo … the name of the Asian boobs app is Asian Boobs. Guess Apple was tired of all those discreet app titles like Lingerie Fantasy Video, Baberoo Babes, Hot Girls and Peekababe … screw it, let’s just cut to the chase … BOOBS.
The King has spoken! So you better remember …
Dictionary = Evil
Boobs = Good
But we’re still confused about this Good vs Evil deal. Maybe Apple can help us out … we get that Boobs are good – but then why are Vagina and Penis evil? LOL … great comedy!
Attention Walmart Shoppers – This App’s For You
Consider the following:
Person without teeth … Someone being tazed by police … Discarded pregnancy test in a restroom … Kid eating a booger … An “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt
Where are would you find these? Hmmmm … at a redneck wedding? Good answer … but WRONG! No one wears an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt to a redneck wedding. They dress up for the occasion and wear a “Drink Til You Want Me” shirt.
The correct answer is … Walmart (redneck wedding was close). And what better way to honor a store where you can buy a shot gun and a bottle of Boone’s Farm, but you can’t buy a CD that has a “Parental Advisory” sticker … than with it’s own app … Mart Bingo.
Mart Bingo is easy to play … think traditional bingo, but Walmart-style. Go to Walmart, launch app, walk around and click the bingo square when you see what’s described.
We did our research, spent 4 and a half days inside a Walmart (we still itch and smell like bleach) and now are qualified to share a few beefs we have with the app.
1. What’s with the “Kid Eating Booger” square? We saw plenty of shoppers … young and old … eating boogers. Look under any clothing rack – a goldmine for boogers. Look closely in aisle 4 … see that green toy … it’s the Giant Green Booger action figure. So what we really need is just a general “Booger” category.
2. “Over-Flowing Toilet” square? Doesn’t exist … closest thing we found was a drinking fountain in the bathroom … oh crap, was that it?
3. “Mother Beating Child” square? This one needs clarification … we saw many moms pulling their children by the hair. So does hair pulling count as a beating? If not … “Mother Pulling Child By Hair” should be it’s own unique square.
Suggested squares for future updates:
1. “Person Wearing Pajamas and/or Bedroom Slippers” … ancillary to this would be the “Curlers In Her Hair” square.
2. “Domestic Dispute” … these special events can always be seen/heard as Walmart shoppers are eager to share their personal issues with the public.
3. “Family Reunion” … besides the “family eating in an aisle” square, we witnessed plenty of family reunions inside of Walmart – heck, why else would these folks with hundreds of screaming kids be standing/blocking the aisle just talking and yapping away?
And finally, if you need some additional Walmart activities, try these:
1. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream … “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!”
2. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say … “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
3. Go into the fitting room, shut the door, wait a while … then yell …
“There is no toilet paper in here!”
Go grab Mart Bingo and enjoy Walmart to its fullest!
Zombies vs Sheep – Serious Gaming Action, Not Just For Zombie Geeks
(written by self-proclaimed zombie nerd Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron – make sure you check out his Zombie Uprising presentation)
First off, I will have to admit that I am a total zombie nerd. I’ve read zombie novels and I’ve written a zombie screenplay. Heck, I even gave a five’>five minute presentation on surviving a zombie uprising. At no point did I ever stop and think to myself, "Hey, what if you added sheep to the zombie motif?" Until now, that is! With a distinctive graphical style that looks like cardboard cutouts on string and a set of controls that will have you feeling like you are patting your head and rubbing your tummy (while shooting stuff, of course), Zombies vs. Sheep [iTunes] from Clickgamer is a rollicking good time.
As the Shotgun Shepherd, your first task is to protect your sheep from the undead hordes that will descend wave upon wave, hell-bent with intent for guttin’ your mutton. And they’ve brought a few friends to the party as well: vampire bats, phoenixes and the tentacled boss. But don’t shoot the doves, since they give out goodies to help keep you going.
In addition to tapping the screen to aim and shoot, you must also tilt the phone to slide the sheep back and forth, either to pick up the coins that fall when a zombie is hit or to avoid contact with the flaming zombie head that occurs when you fail to hit your mark. Of course, you also have to reload from time to time and here you get a choice: either give the phone a quick flick shake or just tap on the ammo. I started out using the shake in the earlier rounds, but when there’s a screen full of baddies in the later rounds, I found the tap to be more effective since I could keep my eye on the action.
After you’ve accumulated some money, you can visit the upgrade shop where you can improve the speed of your sheep, increase the amount of ammo you get on each reload and other items necessary for survival in the later rounds. One thing you can’t buy (because it falls as a gift during the game) is the assault rifle. Catch this little gem of mayhem and you get to start mowing down your enemies at a frenzied pace. The screenshots I grabbed don’t really do it justice (I had to borrow another pair of hands just to get any screenshots in this game, it is that fast-paced). In the later rounds, the daylight fades and the enemies get stronger (’cause night time is the right time for zombie shenanigans).
At the time of this writing, the game is a steal of a deal at just 99 cents [iTunes].
(editor’s note: yeah, tim’s screenshots do kinda suck. check out the promo video we found.)
-
-
-
-
Social KRAPPS
-
-
-
-
Email
Twitter
FriendFeed
Flickr
YouTube
