-
-
-
-
Search
SUBSCRIBE
-
Recently Written
- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
- Wii iPhone 4 iOS Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Slap A Sexy Belly, Make Music, Huh? – Belly Jam iPhone App [Video]
- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
-
Categories
-
Archives
- August 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
-
For The Ladies, The “Stop Talking To My Breasts” App
Let’s talk about breasts … specifically, the male fascination with boobs – what’s up with that? … is it a curiosity thing? jealous they don’t have any? is it a recreational activity? feelings of being nurtured? fertility symbol? too many Victoria Secret ads? … Well theorize all you want – the fact of the matter is, men seem to have this obsession with boobies.
Ok, so appreciating breasts is one thing … but being a total dick about it is another. Like the dude who can’t carry a normal conversation with a gal due to his wandering eyes. Yeah buddy, screw the eye contact! You’ll score with her for sure … keep gawking at those boobies … you’re hot and she’s totally into you.
But ladies … maybe you all should give those guys a break. Really, boobs are like the sun -you shouldn’t stare … but we just can’t help it. Better yet … why don’t you train your man to talk to your face and not your breasts. Next time you catch your guy talking to your chest … kick him in the balls … repeat as necessary. KIDDING! No, there really is a much simpler solution … just use your iPhone (of course).
Utilizing the iPhone’s accelerometer technology, Apple has approved a revolutionary new Breast-To-Face training application called … Man Trainer. Just strap an iPhone to your guy’s head and let Man Trainer take over. Think we’re kidding … NOT!
You see how noble Apple really is? They realize they blew it by approving so many of those Girly Look At My Titties apps and now Man Trainer is their restitution to all their female customers. Rumor has it that future updates will include … saying “I Love You” more frequently – remembering your birthday – buying tampons – being sensitive to your feelings – and more.
The Man Trainer App, Helping Restore Eye Contact Since 2009.
An Official Viagra App? Stickmen Invasion? Huh?
The last “Half Ass” article received favorable reviews from our audience. Good to see you all can appreciate a bit of humor at the expense of our foreign developer friends. Hey, if you’re going to play in the US App Store (not to mention, want our money), you better be damn sure your app’s description makes some freaking sense. Leaving a potential customer thinking … “HUH?” … is not the way to turn a profit. And if your description sucks big enough, it will certainly land you here on KRAPPS.
So let’s have a look at what Tokyo-based developers, ITnet, are up too. Recently they released an iPhone game called Lure Drawing. Apparently ITnet blew their entire budget on R&D and were forced to translate their description using Babelfish. Unfortunately, Babelfish turned their iPhone game into something that reads more like a science fiction horror movie where alien Stickmen invade Planet Earth …
”Stickman is forming the original world. We cannot interfere in such Stickman’s world usually” – “The Stickman gather out of thin air” – “The comical appearance that cannot be seen might be able to usually be seen”.
Run for the hills people … the invisible comical Stickmen are coming to take over world. This is not funny – the entire human race is screwed – we’re all doomed!
Sorry about that … indeed, a bit too graphic for KRAPPS. Let’s take it down a notch and look at an Entertainment app simply called Mischief. We’re not really sure what it does … something about the iPhone changing into you, then playing momentarily tricks, then becoming “It” (maybe it’s a game of Tag) and finally letting out a “Scream” …
Hmmm … a strange one indeed. But we think we’re on to something … we took a closer look at Mischief and believe we discovered the App Store’s first official Viagra application (no wonder they mention “Scream” … huh?).
Recap: Week Of July 6
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
July 6: iPhone Nudity Found Again – This Is Getting Confusing – is Apple getting into the Sex Education business?
July 7: No Matter How You Say It – You Are A Douche Bag – call someone a douche bag in 12 different languages, a very useful app
July 8: The “Place iPhone On Fat Belly And Lose Weight” App – shake, shake, shake
July 9: Developer Steals iPhone App Code, Submits As Own – shady times in the App Store
July 10: Hey Apple, You Just Got Punk’d – Ashton Kutcher-like apps that insult Apple
July 11: Crazy Letters App Fittingly Developed By A Crazy Dev – this developer is nuts with his over-the-top behavior
Crazy Letters App Fittingly Developed By A Crazy Dev
We have this friend named Mike (yes, that’s his real name) … Mike has issues. He’s the guy who’ll notice if a picture hanging in his house is slightly crooked and just has to straighten it immediately. He’s the guy who organizes his CD collection by genre, then record label, then producer, then alphabetical, then release date, then SKU. He’s the guy who barely passed Writing Composition because he could never quite start off writing his term paper correctly. Mike characterizes his behavior as being a perfectionist … we think he’s simply a freak.
However, his “Freak” is our “Gain”. You see Mike is also a talented app developer … and of course, being the freak … errr … perfectionist he is, no way is Mike going to release some piece of krapp. Nope … when Mike releases an app, he makes sure his development behavior is 110% over-the-top.
Take for example his latest app … Nabbed [iTunes] … right from the get go, he didn’t think the name was perfect enough, so he changed it to Crazy Letters. The Crazy Letters app enables you to apply letters, numbers and punctuation to any image in your iPhone’s camera roll or from taking a picture within the app … thus creating a custom caption.
There are over 500 characters to choose from. The characters are ransom note-style … meaning cut outs from magazines, each with a unique color, style and font. Ok … so most normal people would simply purchase a ransom note font package and program it into the app. But not our friend Mike. Poor bastard sat there for months … hand cutting letters, numbers and punctuation from countless stacks of magazines … putting them in piles … the A’s, the B’s, the C’s, etc … then scanned and Photoshopped each one into digital files. Seriously, who does this kind of stuff … total freak.
But like we said, his “Freak” is our “Gain” … because the final product of Crazy Letters is absolutely superb. The user interface is simple and intuitive, the processing is fast and smooth … and of course the hand cut graphics are outstanding. You can position each word anywhere with a touch of a finger, change the style of letters by simply shaking your phone, save to camera roll, email to friends or upload directly to Flickr. The possibilities with Crazy Letters are endless … and for only 99 cents, provides hours or repeat entertainment.
Sure enough, Mike is already freaking out about Crazy Letters … thinks it needs improvements … so he’s submitted an update for approval which will give pinch to scale ability. Yeah, that and he’s still cutting out letters from magazines by hand … LOL – poor dude has no life. Help this psycho out and purchase Crazy Letters … maybe we can get him enough bank where he will finally put down the scissors before he hurts himself.
Hey Apple, You Just Got Punk’d
Lately as we peruse the App Store, it’s like watching an episode of Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d … the MTV television show in which hidden cameras film elaborate pranks on unsuspecting celebrities. From the show’s web site, Punk’d is defined as … To be made a fool of as the target of an extravagantly arranged prank, as in "You just got punk’d!" In our case, the developers are playing the role of Ashton Kutcher, while Apple is the unsuspecting celebrity. It seems some apps are specifically made by developers to punk’d Apple … to see just how stupid of a freaking iPhone app Apple will approve.
Our version of Punk’d first started when we reviewed the Nothing app … an app which – as you can guess – does nothing. Who in their right mind would approve such an app …
hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
Then we profiled the Is It An App? app … hell, this app should have been rejected based on the title alone … is Is It An App? app an app (we think that makes sense) … uh, no … it flat out sucks – hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
Now we come across three more wonderful pieces of krapp. Such garbage that they were probably developed due to a double dog dare … we double dog dare you to submit the stupidest app you can think of to Apple.
Ah … the Friday? app. Something Apple should be very proud of featuring in their revolutionary App Store. Launch the Friday? app and depending on the day of the week, you either get a clever “Yes” or “No” answer. Good stuff … because most iPhone owners are freaking idiots who don’t even know what day of the week it is. Uh no … the Friday? app is good stuff because – hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
This next app is actually quite handy as everyone would agree, it majorly blows when you lose your iPhone. Well no fears … download the Where Is My iPhone? app and it’s all good. Launch this app and it displays a message as to the location of your phone … “You’re Looking At It”. Damn, thank you Mr. Obvious – hey Apple, you just got punk’d.
Now the last app is just not fair … it’s like taking candy from a kid … just a cruel, cruel (we used the word “cruel” twice for emphasis – sometimes we roll like that) joke on Apple. So far this is the biggest punk’d in the App Store … meet the Ashton Kutcher of apps –> the Most Useless Application Ever! app … an app which insults the user for downloading and using the app. Seriously, WTF is this?!?! Even the developers claim they set a new low in the App Store – hey Apple, you just got punk’d
Damn Apple … what up? We know there’s a minimum functionality requirement somewhere in that iPhone SDK Agreement of yours … wouldn’t hurt to use it. Then again, maybe not. Apple, you just keep doing what you’re doing … we’re big fans of Punk’d.
Developer Steals iPhone App Code, Submits As Own
Meet Brandon Trebitowski. He’s a nice guy. You know, the kind of guy who lets you cut ahead of him in a grocery store checkout line if you have fewer items. The kind of guy who holds the door open for you. The kind of guy who sees a wandering dog and attempts to locate its owner. Yeah, that’s Brandon … he’s a nice guy.
Brandon is also a geek. He develops iPhone web apps and has released the Cost Per Square Foot Calculator and the Daily Calorie apps. While learning to code these apps, Brandon noticed there was a severe lack of iPhone programming tutorials on the web. So being the nice guy he is, Brandon started the iCodeBlog to assist other developers and share his programming knowledge.
One of Brandon’s most popular articles is the “iPhone Game Programming Tutorial” in which he gives step-by-step instructions on how to build an iPhone game called iTennis (a Pong-style game). The iTennis tutorial includes everything the aspiring developer will need to build the game … graphics, sounds, game mechanics and of course, the code.
So one day when Brandon was taking a break from doing nice things, he came across a Pong-style iPhone game called iTennis. Hmmm … Pong-style iPhone game … iTennis … WTF – this is nice guy Brandon’s app … being sold by BlaBlaIncTech for 99 cents a download. BlaBlaIncTech lifts the nice guy code, graphics, sounds, etc … get’s Apple’s approval and positions themselves to profit of a freaking tutorial. Wow … talk about a total DOUCHE BAG.
Oh and save the bullshit legalize debate of public domain vs. copyright infringement. We’re talking about right vs. wrong … we’re talking about morals, ethics and principles (oh that’s right, we forgot … big business has no ethics … LOL). If you think lifting a tutorial code and selling it for profit is all good … well then you are a total DOUCHE BAG as well (see, we knew the youDB app would come in handy).
Be sure to read Brandon’s firsthand account of the imposter iTennis app over at his web site. We guess our only question to Apple is … do nice guys finish last?
The “Place iPhone On Fat Belly And Lose Weight” App
We’re going to shout it from the highest mountain tops …
The iPhone Has Changed Our Life!
Before the iPhone, we were fat, bald and a disaster with the chicks. Well thanks to the Hair Clinic app, we now have a full head of healthy hair. Chicks? Yeah, chicks dig us now because we use the Hot Radar app … it helps us score. Sadly though … we’re still large and in charge – XXXL baby! Ok, so maybe the iPhone didn’t totally change our life … got Hair, got Chicks, got Big Belly. Whatever, two out of three ain’t bad.
So this chunky monkey thing … it’s not like we’re ignoring the issue. We’ve been busting our ass trying every new weight loss fad …
Acai Berry Diet – sucks … makes our poop bright orange and thinking we’re now sterile.
Weight Loss Lip Gloss – the Too Faced Fuze Slenderize lip gloss promised to curb our appetite and boost our energy … it’s bullshit, our lips now look like our butt cheeks.
Overnight Skinny Cream – high hopes for this one … lose weight while you snooze with the Fatgirlsleep body balm by Bliss … garbage, we broke out in hives.
Calorie Burning Drink – Enviga is a sparkling green tea mixed with caffeine and antioxidants, this Coca-Cola product promised to boost our metabolism and burn extra calories … guess what, Coke sucks – they lied – so now we wash down our triple cheeseburger with Diet Pepsi.
So yeah, we’ve been doing stuff … ok, we might not be exactly in the gym, pushing iron, doing pilates or getting a sore scrotum from spin class … but piss off, don’t be a hater!
Anyways … we now have high hopes to finally win this battle of the bulge and it’s because of our revolutionary iPhone. We’re talking about the new weight loss app from DailyBurn called FatBurner2K …
Isn’t FatBurner2K swell? Stick the iPhone on your buffet blimp (for best results, precisely 6 inches above the belly button) and have it literally shake the crap out of your fat molecules. Heck with words like … Disharmonic and Physical Oscillation … we gladly plopped down our 99 cents in hopes of becoming a lean, mean, loving machine.
The only thing we haven’t quite figured out is how to keep the damn iPhone on our spare tire when using FatBurner2K while finding a parking spot, getting a haircut or smoking a filtered cigarette … sucker keeps falling off. Maybe there’s like this strap-on attachment thing we don’t know about … hands free phone calls and weight loss … revolutionary!
-
-
-
-
Social KRAPPS
-
-
-
-
Email
Twitter
FriendFeed
Flickr
YouTube
