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New iPhone Porn App Discovered – theXchange
(update 12:15 p.m. PST: porn is a very subjective term. one’s artistic and tasteful nude is another’s filth. while Apple is not 100% clear on their nudity policy, they are adamant about a porn free App Store. we added an additional image at the end of this article from theXchange app which should clearly convey pornography … while the image is censored, the blackout area contains male genitalia … couple that with the image’s “Hot Wanted” statement … it’s clear, Apple is certainly not achieving their goal.)
As a preface to this article, we would like to remind you of Apple spokesman Tom Neumayer’s, profound statement in response to nude photos found in the Hottest Girls app:
“Apple will not distribute applications that contain
inappropriate content, such as pornography”
Fair enough Tom … thank you for making that perfectly clear. So what happens just a few days later … BeautyMeter and its infamous 15-year-old topless girl makes headlines. Hmmm, so much for Tom’s clarity.
Now flash forward to today … July 30 … Tom – there you go again, shittin’ us with your Apple will not distribute blah, blah, blah crap … nah, these are totally appropriate:
Welcome to theXchange … where user generated nudity, pornography, explicit language and anything else you can think of as sexually inappropriate content, is King!
So what is this place that resembles the movie Caligula? Well theXchange was released by Jim Young as a virtual nightclub. People enter the club … chat with others, then attempt to earn and spend virtual coins to buy drinks or photos of other club members (gee, wonder what kind of pictures are exchanged in theXchange … puppy dogs and lollipops of course … but at least their over 15 years of age).
Oh and of course, the “House Rules” … NO NUDE PHOTOS ALLOWED. Thanks for making that crystal clear Jim … man, you are just as money as Tim from Apple.
But here’s the best part … theXchange launched July 1 … same day the BeautyMeter app was yanked from the App Store due to its user generated nude photos. You would think that a similar user generated content-based app born July 1 (BeautyMeter D-Day) would know better and make an extra effort to police its uploads … but no … theXchange didn’t learn squat. But Jim, don’t feel bad … Apple also flunked that course – however to Apple’s credit, they make a helluv a lot more money than you and can afford the “F”.
[thanks to our boy @ungeheier for the tip]
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Because Your Breast Size And Gender Are Hard To Remember
Today we’d like to share a few of the more practical items available in the App Store. We figure with over 65,000 applications to choose from, a little help would be appreciated.
Our first “recommendation” is for the ladies. Guys … go take a pee break and return for our second feature … (yes girls, we hear you – we’ll tell them) …
put the FREAKING seat down!
Ok … now that we’re alone, let’s talk girl stuff – your boobs. Have you ever been walking around or doing whatever, look down at your chest and suddenly realize … “hmm, I forgot my boob size”. Even worse … that dreaded “what’s my cup size?” feeling. Yeah, it’s horrible and something that should not be taken lightly. Well ladies, you’re in luck! You can now have the “What’s My Boob And Cup Size” utility always just a touch away with the BraSzCalc Bra And Cup Size Calculator app.
Now we get it … breast size can change over time: aging, pregnancy, augmentation, etc. And of course those overseas bra purchases are a major pain in the ass. So you see, this BraSzCalc really does come in handy … do some Overbust, mix in a little Underbust … and boom – never forget your bra and cup size again. Actually it would be even cooler if you could also use the app as a dedicated breast tape measure … hmmm.
Guys … did you put the flippin’ seat down? Good … sucks to get a cold wet ass when you’re simply trying to tinkle – GEEZ!
Now our next app is handy for both sexes. Picture this scenario … you’re at a gas station filling up your car. Suddenly you break out into a cold sweat panic … disturbing thoughts keep racing through your head … “am I a man or a woman?” You know what we’re talking about … we’ve all been there … nothing to be ashamed of. Because frankly, sometimes it’s hard to remember your sex. But no fear … simply download the What’s Your Real Gender app, answer a few questions … and voila, your gender is revealed (although judging by the user comments, this app might have a few bugs). Now we guess you could just as easily look down between your legs … but really, who wants to drop trow in the middle of a busy gas station. Nah, keep your underwear in place – use your iPhone.
So let’s say you’re not exactly thrilled with the results from the What’s Your Real Gender app … what’s a “girl” or “guy” to do? Just whip out that iPhone and install the handy dandy Gender Changer app. Granted, it won’t swap out your private parts … but at $1.99, Gender Changer is a hellluv a lot cheaper than a sex change operation and at least you’re one step closer to becoming the opposite sex. Or do you think Gender Changer is garbage based on the fact that close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and slow dancing?
In conclusion, we sincerely hope these apps will add value to your life and clear up any current or future confusion. Huh?
iWet T-Shirts Game Makes A Splash On The iPhone
The iPhone never ceases to amaze us. Dang it’s cool … and if you don’t think so … well – you suck. Seriously, think about this:
Can you turn your Blackberry into a penis? … Uh – NO!
Can your Palm Pre train you to correctly touch a girl’s body? … Uh – NO!
Can you light farts with the Android? … Uh – NO!
See all those proof points … iPhones rule, other Smartphones drool.
So like today – once again, we are amazed. Just when we thought the iPhone couldn’t get any cooler than with yesterday’s Strip Club auto-locate app … BAM! … it does. Two words:
WET … T-SHIRT.
Ok, … now close your eyes – pinch yourself real hard – and open your eyes. Look, you’re not dreaming and we’re not kidding … it’s for real … it’s the iWet T-Shirts app (appropriately released by iWet Media, Inc.).
So with iWet T-Shirts … it’s just you, a hose and all of your wildest drenched dreams. Choose one of four lovely ladies and start spraying away with your adult water gun. Now be careful, don’t get all sloppy silly with your soaking … if your water pressure or aim is off, you will not be rewarded with that see through dripping delight.
iWet Media is already planning future updates which will include such treats as Beautiful Brunettes, Girls Next Door and Babes In Thongs. Oh, and don’t worry – we read your mind … we already emailed iWet with suggestions for future apps … iMud, iJello and iHot Oil Wrestling.
Yeah you dirty bastard … how cool is your iPhone now?!?
Apple Approves iPhone Strip Club Locator App
So these locator apps are pretty cool. You know – the ones where you push the “location” button and the iPhone does its geolocation ninja thing to pinpoint your current location … then the app spits out all the related stuff nearby. Certainly can come in handy … find the nearest Starbucks, McDonald’s, gas station or whatever (although you could just as easily go outside, take a look around and find a Bux or Mickey D’s … they are freaking everywhere). They have locator apps for just about everything … banks, post offices, pizza joints, donut shops, car dealerships, apartments … heck, even marijuana … and as featured here on KRAPPS … Find A Gynecologist <—WTH.
Unfortunately, the App Store is not perfect … it’s sorely missing a locator app which we feel is imperative to the continued success of the iPhone. Thinking about this missing app, we are overcome with feelings of sadness and begin to weep. We need this app to complete us … we need a Strip Club locator app!
But a small, two person independent game development company has decided to take a walk on the wild side and turn our frown upside down. Thank you JT Harkey and Julie Leiby of Happy Cow Games for completing us … thank you for the Gentleman’s Club Finder app.
Consider Gentleman’s Club Finder your Guardian Angel … be gone those feelings of desperation – you’ll always know where to find that next lap dance or $100 bottle of Andre Cold Duck Champagne. Oh and this app is so awesome … do that whole touch geolocation ninja thing and not only does Gentleman’s Club Finder spew out the nearest nudie bars, but it also gives detailed driving directions, one-touch call functionality and reviews of each club … flippin’ golden!
Editor’s Note: BUYER BEWARE! During our extensive review of the Gentleman’s Club Finder app, we came across a bug. Seems JT and Julie tapped into the wrong national strip joint database. Per the app’s search results, we visited the Las Vegas-based Red Rooster (above left image, first entry) in hopes of discovering fresh and titillating exotic dancers. But what we found left us confused, frightened and scared for life!
Chess Wars For iPhone Is Solid anti-KRAPPS
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
Released about two weeks ago, Chess Wars [iTunes] by Blunder Move incorporates Facebook Connect functionality to allow you to challenge opponents and make your moves all from the comfort of your iPhone or iPod Touch. The app’s ultra-clean interface will not get in the way while you wield chess mastery over your friendly foes. The first order of business, of course, is to find someone to play against. This person will need to be your friend on Facebook and will also need to have the Chess Wars app (the developer’s website mentions that a web client is planned for the future). Once identified as meeting these criteria, you are able to issue a challenge and the game is underway. For your friends who do not yet have the app, you can send them an invitation, which presumably offers them a link to quickly locate the application in the App Store.
The game board is very well represented, with easily identifiable pieces and, for chess novices, the legal moves highlighted when a piece is selected. An in-game chat offers the ability to taunt (or praise, if you so choose) your opponent with witty banter. The chat messages and the move notifications can also be sent to the Facebook account (this is turned on by default). The previous moves registered in the game are always available for careful review, quiet contemplation and perhaps a bit of uninhibited consternation.
Since the game’s success is dependent on widespread adoption, it has been priced accordingly at the minimum 99 cents. Sure, there are other chess apps in the App Store which feature an AI to play against. This app is clearly positioned as the choice for playing against your Facebook friends and it’s also 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified!
The game currently has a few issues for which the developer has already submitted an update. These are mostly minor annoyances and do not detract from gameplay.
Analyze Your Sex Life With Intimacy Tracker
In many ways, the iPhone has enhanced our lives. Breaking news is always a touch away with the AP Mobile or USA Today apps. Evernote helps users record, organize and remember their thoughts, ideas, information, to-do lists and more. With Shazam, you’ll always be able to identify a song and even purchase it immediately from iTunes. Great stuff!
But on the flipside, this damn multimedia smartphone has really jacked up life as we know it. We can’t take a simple dump anymore … not with iPoop analyzing the health aspects of our fecal matter, Poo Price calculating the net worth of our stool and Poop The World begging us to broadcast the color, size and shape of our chalupa to its network of users.
Or how about making a cup of noodles? Long gone are the days of throwing it in the microwave for 3 minutes … with the iPhone, you should be using the dedicated Noodle Timer app to achieve noodle nirvana. Flagging down a taxi? Only idiots wave their hand to hail a cab … use the Taxi Hold’em app and avoid looking like a moron.
And how about sex or lack of it? You probably didn’t realize this … but you really should be recording each time you have sex and each day you don’t. In addition, it would behoove you to document your sexual partner(s), type of sex experienced and a numerical rating of the sex act itself … oh, and of course you will want to track solo sex acts as well. Now the beauty of all this information is that you can produce daily, weekly and yearly views of your sexual encounters – guess for more analysis and forecasting activities. Sounds complicated or like a pain in the ass? No worries … just use the Intimacy Tracker app.
LOL … seriously – do people track this stuff? BIG TIME FREAKS! And WTF … numbers do matter?!?! Slow down geek … you’ll get some leg tonight for sure you data dork. But maybe we’re indeed missing something … just look at these Intimacy Tracker user reviews. “Been keeping stats on my sex life for years using a spreadsheet” … “Stats are great” … LOL – we’re talking sex here people, not tracking your daily expenditures or Fantasy Baseball team. Thanks iPhone – now you’ve managed to F*%$ up our sex life (pun always intended).
The Evolution Of Anal Volcano Apps
Try this fascinating exercise: go to one of those app aggregator sites like Apptism or AppShopper … search the term “FART” and check out the number of results –> AppShopper returns 457 fart possibilities, while Apptism displays 613. Now granted, many of these results are wussy-bitch apps just keyword whoring off real fart apps, but nevertheless … DANG … that’s a lot of butt burps!
(from KRAPPS-Wikipedia: “Keyword Whoring” is the practice some developers use to improve their position in App Store search results, even though their app is totally not related to the keywords they list … also listing a top app, like Pocket God, can be used by keyword whores to pimp off the success of the top app listed.)
While the majority of fart apps remain your old, tired and so-six-months-ago … there are a few of these bean blowers that have attempted to kick it up a notch, tweaking their apps to include the old time tradition of … lighting farts.
Fart Lighter – Pull My Finger
If you’re a fartoholic, you might notice that Fart Lighter is really one of the original fart apps, Pull My Finger by Air-O-Matic. These cheek flappers were keen enough to realize the onslaught of methane bomb apps attempting to cash in on the anal volcano rage. So Pull My Finger made a business decision to pass gas on its competition and integrate fart lighting functionality. Once again … pure butt trumpet brilliance by Air-O-Matic.
Fart Lighter
As we mentioned, no one wanted to miss the anal volcano rage … so of course, it’s only natural to assume that “light your farts on fire” would be the next big one to rip. Eight Bit Studios jumped on this money making opportunity with Fart Lighter. We’re not exactly sure why Eight Bit produces iPhone apps when it’s obvious their true talent is marketing. Heck, just look at the awesomeness of their dedicated FartLighterApp.com web site which has
1 page and 17 choice words:
Fart Lighter… it rules. Light your flucking farts on fire.
Dude, you got a fart? Light it.
FLUCK yeah brah! We’re gonna light our FLUCKING farts on fire! This is FLUCKING cool!
iLightFarts 
Ok, these sound activated lighter apps are peachy keen … but the App Store is joke without a “light your fart on fire” iPhone game. Ahhh, no fear … the iLightFarts game proves the App Store is no joke, but truly revolutionary. Instead of us detailing iLightFarts, check out the freaky looking kid below who gives a hysterical overview of the app. The kid spent all his allowance on iPhone apps and ran out of money to purchase a video recorder … so if you want to see iLightFarts in action, check out the other video for a VERY SERIOUS review. Uh dude, we can’t take you seriously when your serious about reviewing a light your fart app, LOL.
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