Feel The Need To Kill Yourself? Death Chug iPhone App Can Help!

Ever wonder how many of your favorite Starbucks coffees or Red Bull energy drinks it would take to kill you?

That’s the opening line from the new iPhone application … Death Chug (not a metal band).

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Hmmm, let’s ponder the question for a moment … have we ever wondered how many Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte’s it would take to kill us? Uh … NO. Safe to say we never thought about going on such an epic coffee binge that we would drop dead from a caffeine overdose.

But HOORAY … if we ever did turn emo and felt the need to kill ourselves with Starbucks, it’s comforting to know there’s an app for that. The beauty of Death Chug is that it makes ending your life so easy. Simply enter your weight … pick your poison … hit the submit button … and instantly Death Chug returns the exact number of drinks it would take to kill yourself based on U.S. Department of Health formulas … that’s nice!

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Look, we get it … caffeine is bad for you – don’t drink a lot of it . And supposedly if we were ever stupid enough to consume 91 Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte’s in one sitting, we would die … deservingly so. But aside from providing scared straight tactics, our concern is with the glorious dumbshits of the world. Because you know damn well some dicknose frat boy will double dog dare an Appa iFonna Chi pledge to slam down 65 Monster’s … which according to Death Chug, will kill the 152 pound twerp.

iPhone + Death Chug  … dying has never been so convenient!

July 21, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 3 Comments 

Apple’s Only Black Employee Voices His Frustration With iPhone 4 [Video]

darnell-johnson Last month we featured two brilliant commercials for the iPhone 4 and iPad. The reason they’re so epic is because Apple did NOT produce them and thus do not include bullshit marketing spin.

Well the same folks are at it again … this time taking on “Antennagate” in their usual no-holds-barred approach …

”Blame AT&T, we didn’t invent the dropped call, they did.”

 

”We told you from the beginning that this changes everything … and that also includes how you hold the phone.”

 

“Black iPhone can’t do this, black iPhone drops my call – you know what, F*CK YOU people.”

And similar to camera guy in the last two videos, we absolutely love Apple’s only black employee, Darnell Johnson – dude brings up some very good points! What’s up with that?

 

[via iPhone Download Blog]

July 20, 2010 | Filed Under News | 1 Comment 

Top 10 Steve Jobs Quotes From iPhone 4 Antennagate Press Conference

Presenting the top ten Steve Jobs quotes from last week’s damage control iPhone 4 Antennagate press conference …

We love our users.
If we are “users”, “druggies”, “addicts” or “crackheads” … does that make Steve a “dealer”, “pusher”, trapstar” or “slinger”? Bravo … excellent choice of words.

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We love our users so much we’ve built 300 Apple retail stores for them.
What you really meant was “300 crackhouses”, right? But seriously dude … you love us so much that you would build Apple Stores … just for us? Nothing to do with a sales strategy or increasing revenue? Damn Steve, thank you … you’re swell!

I get a lot of email and my address is out there. I can’t reply to all of these emails — I have a day job. Some people post them on the web, which is kind of rude.
Does Steve really think his email responses will be kept private? If some geek receives a personal email from Jobs … logic dictates that said geek gets a hard-on and shares it with the world. Not to mention print, frame and hang it (the email, not hard-on). But even if we’re rude, we know you still love us … after all, you did build 300 Apple Stores just for us.

Q: How’s your health, Steve? How are you doing?
I’m fine! I was on vacation in Hawaii, but this was important enough to come back for.
Ok, who’s the kiss-ass asking this question … GRUBER? And LMAO … dude was in Hawaii on vacation. Sucks to be the short-straw guy placing that call, “Yes Mr. Jobs … you heard me correctly … things are a total clusterfuck right now and we have no other option than to puppet you in front of the media for damage control back here in Cupertino.” See Steve pissed … pissed Steve, pissed!

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Websites buy stolen prototypes and put ‘em on the web and we don’t care for that.
Three months later, still whining about Gizmodo? Geez, turn the page, shit happens. Doesn’t the CEO of the most powerful technology company have something better to worry about than Gawker Media?

And we didn’t bash down any doors! [referencing police breaking down the door of Gizmodo editor Jason Chen’s home during a raid] 
Oh look, we went to an Apple iPhone 4 press conference and a Gizmodo shitfest broke out.

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[referencing the ‘Antennagate’ press conference] I wish we could have done this in the first 48 hours, but then you wouldn’t have had so much to write about.
Haha. Yeah, that’s Steve multi-tasking like the new iOS 4 … cracking a joke while back-handing the media. Funny guy … sure to take Letterman’s time slot soon.

Looking at the data, we don’t think we have a problem … there is no ‘Antennagate’.
Don’t have a problem? Your revolutionary iPhone 4 only works properly with a case on it. Says to your girlfriend, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have syphilis. But don’t worry, I’ve got condoms. On me. No charge.”

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It doesn’t seem like a good thing if you can touch your phone in a certain way and it loses signal.
Really?!? No shit Mister Obvious! Wait, what … are you saying there is a problem? But didn’t you just say “we don’t think we have a problem”? So you do have a problem? No … wait … what were we talking about again?

We’re not perfect.
Although nothing really revolutionary or magical about it … Best. Steve Jobs Quote. Ever! (see Steve pissed … pissed Steve, pissed)

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July 19, 2010 | Filed Under News | 2 Comments 

Only $495 Gets You This Classic Read From Amazon – plus Recap Week Of July 12

Ad-Krapps-170x170 In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.

July 12: Spanking The Donkey – We’re Still Talking About An iPhone Game, Right?

July 13: Medical Ailment Linked To iPhone 4 [Comic Strip]

July 14: iPhone Born In The Jungles Of Guatemala, Not Cupertino (Video Proof)

July 15: The iPhone Can Now Make Your Breasts Bigger – Pissed Off Boob Job Surgeons Demand Recall

July 16: “F*ck” Now Allowed In The App Store – Al Pacino Soundboard Proves It Repeatedly

July 17: Dig Dug iPhone iOS 4 Wallpaper [Download]

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Recommended Reading – For IDIOTS!

Since you’re here, you probably know what we’re all about … KRAPPS = Crap Apps … the stupid, strange, whacky and weird of the App Store. Penis enlargers, baby killers, underage porn, etc.

But after seeing this next item, we’re thinking … screw the App Store, let’s start a site solely dedicated to all the shit Amazon sells. Like this $495 book … The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China … which isn’t really even a book, it’s a five hundred dollar PDF download about the future Chinese crappers – WTF?!?

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Make sure you read Amazon’s product page and customer reviews for this sack of suck … worth way more than $495, it’s priceless!

July 18, 2010 | Filed Under News, Recap | 2 Comments 

Dig Dug iPhone iOS 4 Wallpaper [Download]

Retro-Games-App-store Similar to Apple’s recent introduction of the Retro Games section in the App Store, we’ve accidentally on purpose began our own old school collection … Retro Games iPhone 4 iOS 4 wallpaper. But unlike most retro iPhone games, our collection won’t cost you a dime because we’re sharing our vintage nuggets for FREE.

Our home screen wallpaper collection started with Pac-Man (we went a little nuts and collected 9 different versions) … then Ms. Pac-Man … next up was Donkey Kong … and now, the latest addition to our family, the classic arcade game published by Namco in 1982 – Dig Dug.

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We found this awesome Dig Dug iPhone wallpaper on Flickr, created by docrocketpop … poor thing was sitting there all alone, looking lost and sad … we just had to bring it home.

Dig Dug is 640×960 size for iPhone 4. Download directly to iPhone’s camera roll by touching the image, press and hold the image on its new page and select save. Enjoy!

Dig Dug iPhone Wallpaper

July 17, 2010 | Filed Under Games, News | 8 Comments 

“F*ck” Now Allowed In The App Store – Al Pacino Soundboard Proves It Repeatedly

profanity1 One of the many cool things about being an iPhone app developer is that you get to play by Apple’s rules. While this may sound like it sucks, it’s really quite exciting because you never know what rule Apple will change or enforce next. It’s like playing a game of baseball in which one inning you try and get 3 outs, then 7 outs, then whatever random number of outs the umpire dreams up next.

So there used to be a time in the App Store when Apple did not allow the F-Bomb. Apps like South Park and Nine Inch Nails’ Access were rejected due to what Apple deemed as “objectionable content” … basically explicit language … the F-Word.

But apparently all that has changed …  applications can now contain the word “fuck” and even better, App Store preview screenshots can broadcast “fuck” to visitors young and old. The “fucking” screenshots is another rule change by Apple … previously they were rejecting apps due to objectionable preview screenshots. Per an email from the iPhone App Review Team,

Application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating (no objectionable material) since these images are visible on the App Store by all users even when  purchasing is restricted by the application’s rating.

So how do we know about the “fucking” rule change? Nope – Apple did not hold a “fucking” press conference or distribute a “fucking” memo. In the exact same way most developers learn Apple’s rules … we just randomly stumbled upon the new “fucking” rule by downloading the Al Pacino Soundboard app [iTunes limited time FREE].

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New rule #1 – can contain objectionable iPhone screenshots visible in the App Store …

New rule #2 – can contain explicit “fucking” language …

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The Al Pacino Soundboard app features 158 Pacino sound clips from all his movies like The Godfather film trilogy, Scarface, The Devil’s Advocate and more. To say this app adheres to new rule #2 is an understatement … over 100 of the 158 audio clips contain some form of profanity with “fuck” taking center stage. Classic Pacino phrases like … “Fuck you” – “Fuck that shit” – and “Don’t fuck with me” are all there and so much “fucking” more.

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So there you have it … if you are a “fucking” Pacino fan, REJOICE … Apple has once again randomly changed the rules and now approves “fucking” apps. But don’t “fuck” around …  download the Al Pacino Soundboard app [iTunes limited time FREE] now … because you never know when Apple will “fuck” with you and change their “fucking” rules yet again.

July 16, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 6 Comments 

The iPhone Can Now Make Your Breasts Bigger – Pissed Off Boob Job Surgeons Demand Recall

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ … keep dat bullshit ROLLIN’!

Aside from Apple’s bullshit response to the iPhone 4 antenna issue (you’re holding it wrong) … there’s another disturbing trend out of Cupertino lately. Although the App Store has been cleansed from overtly sexual applications, Apple is perfectly fine with approving apps that are total scams … hair growth, wart removal, fat burning and more. There’s an app that helps you quit smoking by changing your cigarette’s flavor to ass … and of course the iPhone would not be revolutionary unless it made your penis happy and fixes erectile dysfunction. Oh and speaking or erections … there’s even an app which allows users to send hard-on’s to their friends as gifts – NOT KIDDING!

And now it’s time for boobs, breasts and titties … call ‘em what you want, the iPhone can now make them BIGGER with the Breast Enlargement Project application. HA!

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Claiming to end the flat chest era with this app, Breast Enhancement Project promises to deliver bigger boobs after just 10 days of use. Apparently the app plays magical music … and if you listen to this magical music 20 times a day, for 30 seconds at a time … you’ll magically make you melons grow BIGGER!

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Breast Enhancement Project even gives you an exact ROI … (20x/day x 30sec/day) x 10days = 100 minutes or 3 centimeters (approx one inch) of of boob growth … YEAH!

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Of course there are the usual disclaimers … Breast Enhancement Project states that if you have a negative attitude, the magic music will not grow your titties … “as long as you believe "Breast Enhancement Project" , the fact will be confirmed.” AMEN!

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[Disclaimer – Breast Enhancement Project is a serious application and is not meant to be used as a joke or gag. Like the aforementioned bullshit scam apps, Apple has classified Breast Enhancement Project as a Utility application, thus avoiding the obvious bullshit apps in the Entertainment category. CAPICHE?!]

July 15, 2010 | Filed Under News, Utilities | 9 Comments 

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