Quick Links For KROQ

K&B_logo Tomorrow morning at 6:20am PST, we are scheduled to be on Los Angeles-based KROQ’s Kevin & Bean radio show … cool! If you miss the live airing (heck, even we wouldn’t get up that early to hear ourselves yap), be sure to check out the archived podcast at KROQ.com.

While we’re not exactly sure which KRAPPS will be discussed – for your convenience – below are links to potential topics:

Drunk Dialing Enabler appRingr Roulette (free giveaway!)
Spanking apps -   Spank and Spank The Monkey
Peeing appsiPee and Shy Bladder
Boobie appsiJiggles and Wobble
Token Smut appCute Asian Girls … your cure for yellow fever
Sex Aid appsSexy Spinna
Super Secret appAppy Entertainment … no app yet, just a bunch of teasers

Apple’s Biggest Fail

<warning>prepare to be shocked, disgusted, appalled and saddened by Apple</warning>

It all started out so innocent. We created a site that poked fun of the utterly lame and idiotic iPhone apps: Amulet … an app which transforms your iPhone into jewelry and enables you to wear it as a necklace. Mr. Menstrual Calendar App Title Creator … the poor soul who has to come up with names for the dozens of menstrual calendar apps (Lady Biz, AuntFlo, Fem Days, etc.). Hold The Button … a game where the objective is to touch the button on your iPhone’s screen and not let go, like forever.

All these apps are stupid and pointless … but in the grand scheme of things, fairly innocent stuff … no harm, no foul.

apple money Well flash forward to March 2009 … this whole “no harm, no foul” concept is a thing of the past. Apple is on a path of reckless abandon … pedal to the metal baby … more apps … more profit … screw quality, let’s approve everything!

As pointed out in yesterday’s We Got your Cure! article … Apple is getting dangerously close to approving something that is truly disgusting and offensive for the public domain. Now trust us, it was NOT our intention to become the voice of morality … that’s just not our gig (hey, our house would shatter if we threw a stones in it). But lately Apple has been forcing our hand on this ethics thing, so we just call ‘em like we see ‘em.

apple-fail So an app launched yesterday and we think it’s safe to say … this is Apple’s biggest FAIL to date. It’s not that this app is stupid, strange or simply a piece of sh*t (although some may beg to differ) … the problem with this app is two-fold … read on …

Sexy Spinna is a “spice up your life” app … basically Love Dice meets iPhone

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So we think most of you get the gist of the app … if not, then you probably want to stop reading right about now. Ok … Love Dice … fair enough … heck, if Sexy Spinna can enhance a couple’s relationship, more power to its developers – iShakeapps. Now our problem with Sexy Spinna is their description. The app is customizable … you can add “sexy” words to customize the heat of the “love spice” you are attempting to achieve.  iShakeapps gives you examples of sexy customizable words. See app’s description below

SexySpinnaDesc1

Apple-Store-t-shirt Sorry about the blackout … but we are not even willing to display the word on KRAPPS. Which is saying a lot because we don’t exactly have the vocabulary of a f’ing choir boy. But I guess Apple is down with the “C” word … Apple rolls like that – using the “C” word to sell and describe their apps. What’s next Apple, employees at the Apple Store wearing t-shirts with a clever marketing “C” word tagline? And WTF are you thinking rating this app suitable for 12 year old children? Are you f’ing out of your mind? Go ask any parent who has a kid in 6th grade if they think it’s ok for their 12 year old to say the “C” word, yet alone see it in print. Yeah Apple … gee, never thought of that? … you can rate an app 12+, but children can still READ THE “C” WORD IN PRINT!!

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Again … sorry folks … totally not our intention to ride the Social Conscience Horse … but when Apple is more focused on approving apps just for the sake of winning a pissing match with the Blackberry (ha! ha! look at me – I am Apple! I have 30 thousand apps … ha! ha! Blackberry you suck … you have less than a thousand apps … ha! ha! I am Apple … I piss on Blackberry!), well we got to call ‘em out. The “C” word is appalling and highly offensive … it flat out does not belong in the App Store … period! Apple – YOU SUCK!

We Got Your Cure!

As we perform our daily KRAPPS search, we get a variety of first impressions. Some apps have us thinking “STUPID- STUPID – STUPID” … some apps fall into the “WHAT THE HELL” category … some scream “FREAKING GROSS” aka “FRAT APPS” … some beg the question “IS APPLE DRUNK OR JUST APPROVES EVERYTHING?” (sort of like that friend who hits on anything with a pulse) … and on the flip side “WAS THE DEVELOPER DRUNK? WHY EVEN BOTHER MAKING THIS APP CUZ IT’S JUST PLAIN WRONG” (sort of like waking up and realizing you’ve been stung by the wrath of Beer Goggles).

pervert Then we have a really “special” category … special because we rarely get this impression as we’ve seen it all and honestly, nothing really fazes us anymore. This rare/limited-edition category is simply called “WTF”. The last WTF app was Peep Show … the pseudo striptease app which Apple approved as a game suitable for 4th graders … WTF Apple, strippers are ok for 4th graders? Get your head examined! Prior to that were the Spank and Spank The Monkey apps which basically enables those who suffer from spanking fetishes … WTF Apple, freaking sickos! Then finally our last WTF app were the two peeing apps.

Like we said, WTF apps are few and far between. Until last Friday, when we saw an app that made us think … WTF Apple, do you really want to profit by making the iPhone a portable smut device? Guess Apple does as they proudly approved the Cute Asian Girls app with the clever (errr OFFENSIVE) tagline … “Your Cure For Yellow Fever”.

CAGDesc

We really don’t need to get into intricate details of this app … you get the picture (no pun intended) … images of scantily clad Asian girls dressed up in maid uniforms or with weapons or whatever.

CuteAsianGirls1    CuteAsianGirls2

BloodPressureCuff But I guess we should thank Apple. Heck, never mind how OS 3.0 will allow developers to transform the iPhone into a valuable medical device … you’ll be able to attach a blood pressure cuff to your iPhone – then take, record and send the information to your physician. Or if you are a diabetic, you can simplify your life with the upcoming glucose monitoring app from Lifescan (a Johnson & Johnson company). Yeah, you heard it right … never mind these STUPID potential lifesaving apps … because the real value of this medical device iPhone is the cure for “Yellow Fever”. Hopefully Apple will continue this approach as we’re sure many suffer from “Jungle Fever”, “Spice Fever”, etc.

Ok, you get where this is going? WTF Apple, are you a 15-year old boy? A dog in heat? Smut  plus a borderline racial/offensive tagline? Come here Apple so we can bitch slap that Yellow Fever right out of you with our iPhone – yeah, we got your cure!

Wild West Guns App

By demand, KRAPPS will periodically review “legit” apps thru a network of guest authors.

Title: Wild West Guns
Category: Games
Guest Author:
Mike

Wild West Guns [App Store] by Gameloft got my blood flowing. I guess it’s the ex-cop in me, but I love shooting games. This game is crazy and has plenty of action to keep you interested. You can pretty much shoot anything you want on the screen (cool). I shot ducks, buzzards, bad guys (by the dozen) and so on.

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I really enjoyed the ballon level, probably due to some buried repressed issue I have with balloons. I was not sure how to shoot with the iPhone, but I quickly figured this out as a means of survival.

WWG2

There are two difficulty levels (normal/hard) and 3 levels with 3 scenarios each giving you a total of 18 unique levels.  There are numerous types of guns you can use to inflict damage. My personal favorite is the shotgun (upfront and personal).

The screen details in the game background are not to be overlooked. The clouds are moving, plants are swaying in the wind, etc. The detail was so good it made me want to put on my cowboy hat and look for my horse. A last word of advice watch out for the big guy in the bar. Wild West Guns was released on 02/05/09, sells for $4.99 and has 134 iTunes user ratings averaging 4.5 stars.

Bailout America App

By demand, KRAPPS will periodically review “legit” apps thru a network of guest authors.

Free Bailout America apps – see end of article for details

Title: Bailout America
Category: Games
Guest Author:
Zyber

Bailout America, by DoeDoe, is a very addicting Lemmings-Style game. With great graphics, 10 challenges (levels) to over come and great music – Bailout America is sure to please!

The controls are quite simple. You have 4 tools you can use, each one which has to be unlocked each level. The tools include: a Hammer, which destroys objects … a Bridge, which will make a bride in a crevasse … a Water Bucket, which puts out fires … and the unlock-able Wall. To unlock the Wall you have to destroy all obstacles and put out all fires.

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One of my favorite things about the game is how challenging it can get. You ask, “how can a game where you tap on obstacles to destroy them be that difficult?” The answer … very challenging … the reasons being that  (my strategy) you have to find the first path you see and clear it. If you miss something and you’ll loose all billions. Then go back over the map and see if you can find a quicker path. Then quickly construct the new path and block off the old one. Did I mention all of this must be done on a countdown timer?

BA44

Every level has a quota of Billions that you have to deliver to the CEO Cat (he eats up all the tax payer dollars). The backgrounds and graphics are very pleasing. Another neat thing about the game is if Billions Bills fall from to far of a height, the bills crumple and create an obstacle which you have to flick off the screen.

BA55

Now, lets review the not so great. There’s only 10 levels. While the game is rather challenging, 10 levels will only last so long. Also, sometimes it was a little late on telling me that the Vertical Wall tool was available. Finally, on occasion the Wall wouldn’t go where I tapped causing a hold up and/or destruction of some Billion Bills till I could fix the problem.

Click here to purchase Bailout America for $0.99 (limited time only, hurry!). Over all this game is a great deal and will keep you entertained for hours.

Pros:
Great Graphics – Challenging – Requires Quick Thinking – Lemming-Like – Humorous

Cons:
Only 10 levels

FREE Bailout America To KRAPPS Viewers!
antikrappssealv2gif Bailout America developers, DoeDoe, were kind enough to provide codes which will allow KRAPPS viewers to download the game for FREE. Simply be one of the first 5 viewers to leave a comment at the end of this review and we will email you the download code. Do it and experience why Bailout America is 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified.

eh

Memo to app developers … Enough With The Fart Apps Already! … it was funny like the first one hundred and fifty seven times … now it’s just lame and tired, eh.

lametiredeh Yup … lame and tired, eh. But every day, the iFarts just keep appearing … each krappier than the previous one. So long ago we decided to stop writing about iFarts. What’s the point? Pretty much all creativity has been exhausted from the iFart channel. And as mentioned, they’re not even funny any more … lame and tired, eh.

So guess what? We lied. We’re writing about another iFart app. Why? Well it’s not because there’s some newly discovered creative flatulence or fart functionality in the cheese channel. Nope … it’s same old lame and tired, eh. But this time the lame and tired is leveraged with an entire nation. Yes … a whole country … an iFart county … it’s your patriotic duty to purchase and play the iFart – Canada app from LOL Software, eh.

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Come on … straight-up fart apps are one thing – but positioning farts with people’s nationalism is just plain wrong. “I am Hoser … hear me iFart Canada, eh”. Sorry, this is bad … very bad … cuz we all know the folks at Apple are suckers and just love to open the KRAPPS flood gates. So wait for it … here it comes … iFart – Greece, iFart – France, iFart – Australia, iFart – Turkey … the possibilities of patriotic farts are endless! And America, you know it’s coming soon to an App Store near you … iFart – 4th Of July … complete with fireworks choreographed to a symphony of explosive farts, eh.

Lame and tired, eh. But you gotta love the outrageous claim iFart – Canada makes, eh:

ifartCanadaDesc

bobdougJPG Huh? “Canadians love to fart more than any other country on the planet!!” … Oh we get it – LOL at the LOL Software. Stirring the pot of fart aficionados across the world … feeding on people’s patriotism to cash in on worldwide fart domination. Wow – what a ploy … LOL Software is like Dr. Evil … BOOOYA, eh. Thanks LOL Software … thanks for destroying what little hope we had for peace amongst all nations. iFart – Canada, yawn … whatever LOL Software … Take Off You Hoser, eh!

Tomato Boxes App

By demand, KRAPPS will periodically review “legit” apps thru a network of guest authors.

Free Tomato Boxes app giveaways – see end of article for details

Title: Tomato Boxes
Category: Games
Guest Author:
Carolynn

TMlogo I’ve been playing video games since I was about 3 years old. So you could say that I’m totally in love with them. Something I’ve noticed about good video games is that they stand the test of time. Even today you see all these new gaming systems that have awesome capabilities and yet we are still playing old school games. Games that get re-made for these systems because they are so good, people don’t want to be without them. And now that we have the iPhone/iPod Touch, we have more opportunities to play games that are re-made. One of these games that has been brought out and dusted off is called Tomato Boxes by Ryan Alyea (follow on Twitter @ROFISH).

Tomato Boxes is basically a Sokoban game. Sokoban is a game that has been around for quite a long time. It usually involves a man pushing boxes to determined points on the board. In Tomato Boxes, the man is a tomato. Each board is different, with obstacles hindering tomato from getting his boxes to their points. The Tomato can only push one box at a time. The way you control the game is simple. There is a directional pad (D-Pad) on the screen and you just push up, down, left or right to move tomato. If you make a mistake, you can press the middle button of the D-Pad and a menu comes up with the option to undo. You can undo up to 5 moves in a row. You can also reset the game if you are stuck and want to start over.

TM1

What’s great about Tomato Boxes? It’s a great little pick up and play game. The challenging gameplay makes you think. You don’t need a lot of time to solve the levels, so it’s great if you are craving a short game. There are over 13,000 downloadable levels, so you shouldn’t run out of puzzles anytime soon. The background effects are very cool! There are multiple colors that move in a sort of wave motion and it looks awesome on the iDevice. The game graphics have a great old school feel and bring back memories of old Sokoban clones.
What’s not so great? There is no background music or sounds included. I enjoy sounds and sometimes music in my games and I would like to see some added to Tomato Boxes. The menu button is very easy to accidently press and it interrupts the game quite frequently. It can be a little difficult to play for people with big fingers. The D-Pad needs some adjustments and it would be better.

TM2

My overall impression of Tomato Boxes: A neat game for Sokoban fans that needs some minor tweaks. If you like puzzlers and want 13,000 different Sokoban boards, then this game is for you. It’s available in the App Store for $2.99. There is a free scaled down version available as well in the App Store.

FREE Tomato Boxes ($2.99 value) To KRAPPS Viewers!
Tomato Boxes developer, Ryan Alyea, was kind enough to provide codes which will allow KRAPPS viewers to download Tomato Boxes for FREE. Simply be one of the first 5 viewers to leave a comment at the end of this review indicating their favorite food item/dish that includes tomatoes and we will email you the download code.

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