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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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iPhone Can Now Determine Ripeness Of Watermelons
Developers never cease to amaze us. With nearly 200,000 applications available for download … and just when you think there really is an app for everything … some ingenious developer comes along and publishes an original app that makes you go, “damn, why didn’t I think of that?”
Last weekend we had yet another one of those “Ok This Time There Really Is An App For Everything” moments … as iWatermelon Deluxe was launched on Saturday.
The premise of iWatermelon Deluxe is simple … use your iPhone to determine the ripeness of a watermelon (yeah, why didn’t we think of that?). In three easy steps, you’ll be like Superman using his X-ray vision … peering deep in the bowels of the underhalls watermelon. Just place your iPhone on top of the desired watermelon … step 1 – select the melon’s size … step 2 – select its color …
step 3 – tap the melon three times. iWatermelon Deluxe will then analyze the resulting sound using a unique custom made formula for determining whether the watermelon is unripe, fair or nectar of the gods.
At 99 cents, iWatermelon Deluxe [iTunes] provides solid value, a lifetime of sweetness and perhaps even romance. Since they say the grocery store is a great place to hook up with other singles … using your iPhone in the fruit aisle just might be the ultimate turn on for geek-like minds.
[hooray for us! not a single sexual innuendo in the entire melons article … HA]
Pocket Party Cup App Turns Users Into Shit-For-Brains Douchebags
One of our favorite sites to visit on a daily basis is Hot Chicks with Douchebags (HCwDB). Ed Hardy t-shirts, spiky frosted hair, steroid induced muscles and spray-on tans … HCwDB is a showcase of asshat clubbing manwhores attempting to grind on any hotties nearby. Below is a sampling of the über-douchebaggery found on HCwDB.
Now if you look close, you can see a common element in each of these pictures. See it? The red party cup … or as the folks at HCwDB call it – Ubiquitous Red Cup (URC). URC is an icon at HCwDB that helps validate the hottie/douchey coupling … or as the author’s put it “the URC’s frequent appearances, some obvious, some hidden, serve as the unifying force that pulls all spiritual hott/douche yin-yang polarity into one larger cohesive whole.”
And now all iPhone users can join the time-honored tradition of Hot Chicks with Douchebags with their very own Ubiquitous Red Cup iPhone app under the guise of Pocket Party Cup.
Just like real live douchebags, the Pocket Party Cup is completely useless and a drain on society. Launch the Pocket Party Cup and all you get is an image of a red cup … WOW! Oh yeah, one more thing … to top off the doucheness of this app, shake your iPhone and it screams “YEAH!” … yeah, freaking brilliant and an essential application for every
shit-for-brains douchebag.
Hysterical & Free – Bud Light Real Men Of Genius And Real American Heroes Apps
Are you familiar with the Bud Light beer ads – Real Men of Genius? If not (da horror), you should be … it’s the best advertising campaign EVER! Funny, witty, sarcastic and amusing … Real Men of Genius ads are pure pant pissing brilliance!
Real Men of Genius is a series of Bud Light radio advertisements which began in 1999. The campaign originally was called Real American Heroes, but the name was changed after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Hundreds of installments have been produced for radio … some of which were adapted for television beginning in 2003.
Each ad is a hysterical sarcastic glorification of an unsung hero – the real man of genius …
Mr. Driving Range Ball Pickerupper
Mr. Jelly Donut Filler
Mr. Giant Foam Finger Maker
Mr. Mail Order Bride Orderer
To experience the awesomeness of Real Men of Genius, you can cruise to some infested BitTorrent file sharing network, search YouTube or check out any of the numerous fanboy created websites. Not exactly convenient, but your Real Men of Genius choices are limited … that is, until now … Apple has approved both the Bud Light Real American Heroes [iTunes] and Bud Light Real Men Of Genius [iTunes] iPhone apps. Oh and get this … both apps are FREE!
Since the saying goes … “nothing in life is free” … we typically don’t expect much from free apps. Boy were we surprised with these two … impeccable sound quality, straightforward UI and no advertisements. The Real American Heroes app contains 27 radio spots, while the Real Men Of Genius app comes in at a whopping 93 selections … wow … and don’t forget, both apps are FREE!
5-5-50 Inc. did a solid job developing the two apps and offering them for FREE! While we’re not sure if they have some kind of arrangement with Anheuser-Busch … or if any copyright issues exist … all we can say is hurry up and download both the Real American Heroes [iTunes] and Real Men Of Genius [iTunes] apps for FREE!
Today we salute you Mr. Real Men Of Genius iPhone App Developer … without you we wouldn’t be hearing the goodness of the best radio commercials ever on our revolutionary iPhone.
Apple Considers ‘Guido’ Offensive, Forces Guidofy App To Change Name
Let’s do some role playing. Ok, so you are an iPhone app developer who launched an app a few months ago. Everything is cool … your app is getting strong reviews … gaining in popularity … sales are climbing. Then one day you receive a call from Apple saying if you don’t change your app’s name, it will be banned from the App Store. Huh? Apple states that the name of your app is derogatory and must be changed immediately. Never mind the fact that you have successfully marketed and established your brand (the app’s name) … change the derogatory name or be removed from the App Store! Oh and if that’s not enough … your competitors who have similar derogatory app names … well they can stay with no change. SUCKS FOR YOU!
Sounds pretty farfetched, eh? LOL … yeah right. Come on, this is Apple we’re talking about … and as we stated yesterday, they apply Apple Logic.
Back in March, we reviewed a very cool app called Guidofy. Inspired by the MTV reality series, Jersey Shore, Guidofy is a photo app which unleashes the Guido in you … Fedora hats, gold chains, Fohawk hair and of course, synthetic tans. Just check out how sexy the pasty white Irish Conan O’Brien looks as an Ed Hardy wearing, Grey Goose drinking Guido.
Although Apple approved Guidofy in February, they changed their minds and applied that sound Apple Logic … Guidofy bares similarity to the name "Guido" which Apple considers derogatory. If the disgusting name is not changed, the app will be banned. And no, Apple doesn’t give a shit that the Guidofy name has been established and marketed (think $$$) for over two months … change it or die an unpleasant App Store death! Ok … FFFFUUUU … new non-offensive name … Jersify.
But here’s the kicker … call it rubbing salt in the developer’s wound. There are two other Guido-themed applications which carry derogatory names … Guido and Guidofy Me … they offensively remain for sale intact.
At this point you might be thinking … why is Guidofy offensive, but Guido and Guidofy Me are perfectly acceptable? A fair question. No worries, we have the answer … Apple Logic … SUCKS FOR YOU!
Nude Thumbnails Approved, Pussy And Boobies Banned – WTH Is Going On At Apple?
We’ve come to the realization that we have a problem. No matter how hard we try, we simply cannot understand this thing called Apple Logic. Actually, Apple Logic is not just a thing … but a very significant aspect of the business world. Yesterday, Apple reported their second-quarter profits rose 90 percent, revenues up 49 percent and 8.75 million iPhone were sold … these figures represent Apple’s best non-holiday quarter ever. So yeah, it would behoove us to understand Apple Logic as they seemingly have the Midas touch.
Apple Logic is the same reasoning process that banned over 5,000 overtly sexual apps … yet allowed the overtly sexual Playboy and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit applications to remain in the App Store. Apple Logic is Steve Jobs saying, “folks who want porn can buy and [sic] Android phone” … yet approve the NSFW – Peek A Site web browser app specifically programmed to discreetly surf porn sites on the iPhone.
Guess we suck … we simply cannot get a grip on Apple Logic.
Take for example the latest case of Apple Logic … we have no clue what’s going on here. Back in December we reported the Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies apps were being removed from the App Store. Apple informed the developer that both apps were deemed inappropriate as they do not contain content that match the title. Following KRAPPS Logic, the reaction would be “no shit” … of course Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies do not contain images of vaginas or breasts. It’s a joke … get it? … pussy = cats … tits and boobies = birds. A FREAKING JOKE!
So ok, whatever … Apple has no sense of humor. Logically we can conclude that sexual innuendos are not cool with Apple … especially in form of an app’s name. But then Apple Logic comes around, rears it’s ugly head and trumps old fashioned logic … Apple approves the Nude Thumbnails app.
WTF?!? … “this app is designed and named so as to give the user the impression that it contains inappropriate material” … that’s EXACTLY why Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies were banned … content not matching the title.
Oh, but our bad … this is Apple Logic … and as mere mortals, we’re too stupid to see the Emperor’s new clothes.
App Store First – Videos Of Hot Chicks Farting
Like it or not, fart apps are here to stay … and for better or for worse, they continue to evolve. Debuting in December 2008, fart apps were simply one-dimensional soundboards … touch your iPhone’s screen – hear a fart … whoop-dee-doo. Over time, fart soundboards became archaic. These days there are Fart Dialers (dial a phone number and each digit is a different fart) … Farts With Push Notifications (alert friends and family that you just farted) … Farting Boobs (don’t ask) … and many more creative uses of anal acoustics on the iPhone.
With hundreds and hundreds of fart apps available for download, you would think no fart stone has been left unturned … not true! When it comes to toilet humor, the human mind is a powerful thing! As such, we present another crowning achievement (pun?) for insane iPhone methane … iFart Video … proudly developed by SellYourMac.com.
iFart Video is the first fart application that offers video … capturing people’s gassy moments on film … which can then be shared with other users worldwide via Facebook, Twitter or email from within the app. Yeah, there’s nothing more idiotic satisfying than watching someone fart … yeah.
Although iFart Video comes loaded with existing videos of hot women making rude noises (there words, not ours … we actually prefer our hot women to have their heads attached … then again, some may prefer a hot quiet woman … whatever), SellYourMac.com developers are asking users to submit their best fart flicks to be considered for inclusion in future app updates. That would be quite an honor … video of your ass passing gas in iFart Video!
iFart Video contains a total 15 videos of the aforementioned hot chicks farting … at 99 cents for the app, that’s less that 7 cents per fart video … which is either a great or crappy deal, depending on your point of view. Choose from such classic videos like “Assplosion”, “Redneck” or “Monkey Business”. And SellYouMac.com assures us that all farts featured in iFart Video are authentic and real.
Like we said … for better or for worse, fart apps continue to “evolve” … and now we have videos. Even if you don’t plan to partake in iFart Video, you at least owe it to yourself to watch SellYourMac.com’s promo video below. Witnessing firsthand this guy’s passion and commitment to farts is priceless … not to mention you’ll learn a valuable lesson about the adverse effects of consuming too much Red Bull and Cotton Candy in one sitting … YOWZA this guy is F’ING CRAZY!
App For The Seriously Demented – Swami Paws The LOLcat Fortune Teller
GOATCARTgames is an indie game development studio based in Athens, GA. These guys specialize in making artsy, odd games with engaging mechanics and beguiling aesthetics (there words, not ours) … primarily for the iPhone. Since Athens boasts a strong art and music scene (think R.E.M., B-52’s, Matthew Sweet, Widespread Panic, etc.), it’s no surprise that GOATCARTgames is positioned as an artsy-fartsy oddball developer (more about the “fartsy” part later) … any other type of Athens-based developer would be uncivilized.
Although we’ve never been to Athens … judging by the work of GOATCARTgames, they must be smoking some good shit over there. Seriously, you cannot be in a sober state of mind and expect to develop an app which centers around farting swami cats that predict the future … Swami Paws The LOLcat Fortune Teller.
In a nutshell … Swami Paws is a mystical lolcat who tells the future with his swirling clouds of feline flatulence. Just poke his belly and Swami Paws’ gaseous emissions will reveal all.
We spoke with Swami Paws via Skype and he gave us hiz salz peech … “Hai krappz! I am SWAMI PAWS! I no wat is happenin in teh futur. I can see it in mah fartz. Srsly! Now, wif mah awsum app 4 iPhone an iPod Touch, U can kno it 2!”
LMAO … this is one messed cat app. Congrats to GOATCARTgames for sticking with their mission statement … the WTF rating on this baby is off the charts. And the disclaimer which warns of sheer stupidity and killer kitties is pure brilliance in a sick and tasteless way.
But to truly appreciate the utter chaos and twisted sense of humor of Swami Paws … viewing the 29 second demo video below is imperative. Sure we could use such descriptors as bizarre, eccentric or freaky … but words simply cannot describe this enigmatic application. Push play to experience something out of the Twilight Zone … neener-neerner, neener-neener.
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