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Dog Translator App Does Not Translate Dog To English – No Shit Sherlock
Besides scouring the App Store for whacky, weird, stupid and strange iPhone applications, one of our favorite pastimes is reading the user reviews. The great Albert Einstein once said, “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former." Looking at the user reviews in the App Store, we agree wholeheartedly with Einstein.
Take for example the silly little app Dog Translator which jokingly claims it translates Dog to English. Just record your dog barking and the app displays what your canine is saying.
Pretty weak, but whatever, we see worse on a daily basis. Plus it’s free – no harm, no foul.
But as lame as Dog Translator might seem to be, nothing beats its user reviews … pure suck. It’s like the app was infested by complete morons … proving Einstein’s theory of human stupidity was money.
Ratailmana is a disgruntled user claiming Dog Translator is the “Stupiest thing EVA” (yes, typing on the iPhone can be a bitch). Apparently he/she doesn’t really need a Dog to English translator because he/she can just tell what their dog is saying.
Emoji is also pissed at Dog Translator stating the app is not accurate. Emoji would know because secretly during the middle of the night, they recorded a silent sleeping dog and the app spit out the results. Little does Emoji know, dogs talk in their sleep … but at a very high pitch … only smart humans can hear them.
Kkkkaaaayyyy is stupid mad as hell and feels Dog Translator “doesnt workkkk!!!!” Everyone knows the iPod Touch doesn’t have a microphone and thus recording a dog’s bark is impossible. Heck, Kkkkaaaayyyy feels double-duped since not only the iDevice has no mic, but also the dog wasn’t even in the room … yet Dog Translator returned a translation.
Now Tower Madness Hero is our hero because they are really on to something. Think about this … if Dog Translator really did translate from Dog to English, you could easily sell the thing for about $10. Damn, this is true … and what a bargain it would be.
And there’s plenty more backlash from Dog Translator users. “Ripoff”, “Scam” and “Fake” are a few of the popular descriptors … along with proof points such as …
> My dog was licking his water bowl and it came up with “I’m tired” … junk
> It recorded me saying “hi” and translated it to “give me a tummy rub”
> The app just says random things over and over again
Now mind you, just in case someone is a SUPER moron, the app includes a disclaimer … “Dog Translator is intended for novel entertainment and may not accurately reflect your dog’s emotions at all times.” But really, what’s the point – you can’t reason with stupid?
But alas there is a beacon of hope in this cesspool of dumb … either that or dude is a big fan of P.T. Barnum and the “there’s a sucker born every minute” concept. “You don’t deserve whatever money you have” … LMAO!
Experience ‘Tsunamical Movements Of Sweet Apples’ With Mythical Sex Positions App
Pop quiz … name the #5 best-selling application in the entire App Store. MLB.com At Bat? Bejeweled 2? Monopoly? Plants vs. Zombies? … wrong answer – all of them. Actually all these applications are far below the current fifth best-selling application … 69 Positions.
As you can probably tell by the oh so clever name, 69 Positions is a sex positions app … which are all the rage these days on the App Store. 69 Positions is also the 28th top grossing app … ahead of such gems as I Am T-Pain, Red Laser and NBA Live by EA. And looking at the top free apps, both Sex Positions Game and 69 Positions Lite (argh, there it is again – must be the name) are in the top 50.
So Apple is cool with sex positions … fair enough. But this next app really puts us in doubt. Like we don’t even know if it’s real … sort of a made-up fairy-tale … an imaginary fantasy … we’re talking Mythical Sex Positions.
Yeah, they had lost us at “hello” …. “Welcome to the mythical learning center which takes you to the divine world where there is no room for sorrows.” … uh, ok – let’s explore this no room for sorrow divine sex world …
Love Of The Ape Man
Seriously, WTF is all this chocolate-rose, fish in the sea crap? … “This mythical position was practiced by our ancient fathers in which the rose in wrapped towards the chocolate …” Yeah right, have another beer.
Slanting Chocolate
LOL … “This mythical method is happening with support of three toes” … get that? … SEX ON THREES TOES! … memo to mythical people – be kind to your toes, mix in a bed!
But wait, there are plenty more suggestions in plain English from this pretend city of sex …
Devil’s Paradise
As the devil’s mythical serpent cries with joy as the journey towards the honey comb is very painful. But the bees in the house are excited as the upward pressure eases her effort in lasting the divine honey.
Mythical Slavery
Your rose gains control of your heart so that her petals are striking like a mythical snow on your muscular body. The goosebumbs mad by this petals are so erotic to make mythical simulation which in turn intensifies your hunt for pleasure.
Tsunamycal Love
You could experience the joy of real tsunami as your eyes are viewing the tsunamical movements of her sweet apples. The back pressure will ease your effort as the two can play 50-50.
Seriously, if you can figure this shit out … more mythical power to you! But for us, we’ll stick with tried and true REAL positions from the sweet divine world of Gummy Bear Kama-Sutra.
Cosmo Recommends Safe Sexting App In ‘50 More Things To Do Naked’
Back in December we reported that Apple approved the Safe Sexting iPhone app … a photo application that lets users text discrete nude images (hooray for oxymorons) by covering up their naughty bits with blackout boxes. Apparently texting sexually explicit messages and photos (sexting) is quite the rage these days … landing our Safe Sexting article on the front page of Digg (supposedly this Digg thing is a big deal …. meh … all we know is that it cost us additional money in overage fees).
And now women’s magazine … Cosmopolitan … is joining in on the Safe Sexting tomfoolery. Featured in this month’s issue (April 2010 – Lady Gaga cover), on page 174 within the “50 More Things To Do Naked” article, is the Safe Sexting iPhone app. Cosmo’s article lists cool stuff every woman should do bare-assed (their words, not ours) … coming in at #8, our friend —> Safe Sexting …
Test run the Safe Sexting iPhone app. Take pics of each other with your phone, then use the app to choose different size boxes to censor your lady parts and his package.
However messing with the Safe Sexting app is not the only techie geek thing Cosmo recommends … sending Evites for a naked dinner, updating your Facebook status and bidding on eBay, both in the nude … are other freaky e-items on the list. LOL … rock on Cosmo!
But alas there is some sadness to Cosmo’s kinky iPhone suggestion … Apple has banned the Safe Sexting app from iTunes (da horror). So rather than leaving our KRAPPS viewers feeling blue (no pun), we recommend the Pocket Labeler app as a Safe Sexting alternative. Hopefully Cosmopolitan updates their article as well so readers are not left bare-assed naked with nothing to censor their lady parts and his package (their words, not ours).
Trololo App Is FREE Today Only – Make Your Ears Bleed For FREE
Ever hear of the Trololo Man? His real name is Edward Hill (aka Eduard Khil’) … a Russian dude who is wildly popular on the Internet these days due to a bizarre music video (we use the term “music” loosely) of a Soviet-era pop song … “I Am Very Glad That I Finally Am Returning Home”. The video is painfully contagious (your ears will bleed) and a must see … it contains no words, just a bunch of yuh-yuh-yuh’s and oh-oh-oh’s … coupled with pointing, laughing, hand gestures and other strange behavior.
Since every strange Internet meme deserves an equally bizarre iPhone app, Danish developer Andreas Moller decided to salute this crazy Russian music phenomenon with the Trololo app [iTunes].
Trololo for iPhone is simply EPIC. It’s got Edward dancing, singing, laughing and pointing. But best of all, the song never ends … it just keeps playing over and over and over (pure torture). In addition to the tight beats, rockin’ bumps and genius lyrics, this sick joint is accompanied by 6 unlockables … Applause, Funny Hat, Tone Invasion, Lava, Earthquake and our fave, Chicken Of Death.
And what would you pay for the convenience and pure joy of Trololo on your iPhone? Agreed … $5, $10, even $15 is a small price to pay for this gem. However Andreas is a good man, he’s only charging $1.99 for this iPhone masterpiece.
BUT WAIT … the news gets even better! Supposedly today … March 23 … is International Trololo Day (go figure). So to celebrate this momentous occasion, Andreas is giving away his Trololo app … Trololo is FREE TODAY ONLY … SHUT UP!
So don’t even think about it … just CLICK HERE to download Trololo and make your head explode, you can hate thank us later.
Easy Virtue Ring Proudly Displays Your Affection For Promiscuous Sex
Bummed out by the App Store’s sudden sense of morals? Saddened your iPhone can no longer display smut? Well happy, happy, joy, joy … we’re here to turn your frown upside down!
Although Apple has done a thorough job of removing “overtly sexual” content, you can still be a card-carrying member of the Slut Club with the Easy Virtue Ring iPhone app … just what every father dreams of. *facepalm*
The Easy Virtue Ring is a direct response to the Purity Ring application and mocks those who wait until marriage … the description reads:
The Easy Virtue Ring is meant to be a replacement for the Purity Ring. Forget those crazy ideas. Do you really want to wait for marriage? What if your partner misrepresents their gender? Or turns out to be lame in bed? It’s simply not a good idea.
And like all good sinister apps (hooray for oxymorons), Easy Virtue Ring encourages users to give in to the temptation and engage in promiscuous sex …
Tired of saying “No”? Of course you are, it’s to much effort and not so much fun. Stop disrespecting Mother Nature and succumb to your desires… It’s easier and it’s a lot more fun. Take the Easy Virtue Pledge now.
See … the App Store is not all that bad good these days. Apple is still showing some love to all you sluts and manwhores. So make daddy proud … take the Easy Virtue Pledge today and offer your body as a very special present to ANYONE you may meet. *headdesk*
Butt Muffler – Yes, It’s A Real Live iPhone App
As you probably figured out by now, we feature iPhone applications from the outer fringes of the App Store. Whacky, weird, stupid and strange … the shit that other iPhone websites won’t touch (and hey, we don’t blame them … the stuff on KRAPPS can really suck).
This next app is exactly what we’re all about here at KRAPPS. As a matter a fact, it’s so KRAPPtastic that we present it with limited commercial interruption … just the name and its description … because really, there’s nothing left to be said.
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[cue clever introduction]
Seeing someone new?
Need a number two?
Don’t let them hear you poo!
Butt Muffler iPhone app … camouflaging the sound of your business.
Ever find yourself waiting for someone to use the dryer before you can do your poo? Well this app is for you…
The Butt Muffler emits masking or warning sounds from the comfort of your toilet seat!
Many traditional Butt Muffling techniques (such as flushing the toilet repeatedly) waste unnecessary water or electricity.The Butt Muffler is the environmentally friendly solution you have been waiting for!
New couples, work colleagues, and school mates can all benefit from the Butt Muffler! No more walk of shame!
Features…
* Mimics bathroom appliances.
* Pink noise generator (used in professional sound masking devices).
* Crowds for the proud (moral support for stubborn poos).
* Warning sounds (perfect for lockless bathroom doors).
* Plus other toilet entertainments.
Now you can drop anchor at poo bay, the modern way. Breezing confidently out of the bathroom without damaging the environment!
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Cheers to the folks at BrainFuel for providing this perfect iPhone nonsense called Butt Muffler. Little did they know that when writing Butt Muffler’s description, they were actually guest authoring a KRAPPS article … bravo, you’re hired!
Fart Smeller iPhone App – Enough Said
Oh my … the Fart Smeller iPhone app by Zambo Software … LMAO, where do we begin? Ah screw it … no need to steal the developer’s thunder … just read the app’s description:
***THE APP THAT SMELLS YOUR FART!***
[oh really … an app that smells your fart? what will they think of next?]
A Fart Smeller will be there when your farts are at the worse and no one else can bare to smell them!
Fart into the speaker in this app, then wait and receive feedback on how bad or good your fart smelled!
[hmmm … not only does Zambo Software want us to fart into our iPhone, but also pay them money for it?]
A Fart Smeller can take any kind of farts, even if it has the potential to be deadly! So let your fart rip!
And there you have it … your iPhone now has the capability to smell farts. Aside from the fact that this app is wrong on so many levels, our biggest concern is NOT that Apple approved Fart Smeller … but the fact they had to test it for proper functionality.
“Uh Richard … can you come here for a second? I’m reviewing this new app and need your assistance. Can you please bend over and fart into my iPhone?”
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