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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
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iLust App Trains You To Be A Discreet Pervert
Back in July we ran an article called “For The Ladies – The ‘Stop Talking To My Breasts’ App” which featured the Man Trainer. The concept is simple … strap the iPhone to your guy’s head and every time he looks at your boobs, using accelerometer technology, Man Trainer emits a piercing warning scream.
[Editor’s note – yes, we are serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]
Unfortunately, the Man Trainer article was not well received by our male viewers. Many accused us of tipping off their female counterparts and are now forced to wear the iPhone strap to their heads. Hmmm … we can see your point … guess that would suck. But relax perverts fellas, we have good news … some revenge … it’s called the iLust app.
So basically iLust trains the user to get away with checking out a girl’s rack – without looking like a pervert. It’s kind of like a flight simulator, but instead of controlling an airplane and landing it on a runway, you guide a virtual character’s eyes and land it on a hot chick’s breasts.
iLust is a low-brow game … naaaah! It’s a perfect way to build your mad pervert skills … because iLust doesn’t just simulate any old amateur scene where a 7-year-old can get away with scoping breasticles (like at a Hooters). Nope … in iLust, you’re at a party, seated between a smokin’ babe and her steroid-taking boyfriend. Talk about a pressure situation for poor ol’ perv!
This is you interest – how big is your lust for the bust? … yeah, how big is it? But being as her boyfriend has some large guns and a tattoo, you’ve got to ask yourself one question … do I feel lucky? … well, do you, punk?
[Editor’s note – yes, we being serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]
How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps
With the popularity of the iPhone growing exponentially, there are numerous thousands of developers attempting to cash in on App Store gold. So being the do-gooders we are … we present a few examples of how NOT to sell your app.
Be A Douchebag (My Ex-Girlfriends app)
Ah yes … Damon has a special talent … the ability to get hot chicks to undress for him while he takes their picture. Damon, you are our hero – the wind beneath our wings. However just as an fyi … it doesn’t count when you have to pay the girl to undress.
Be A Pothead (Zits & Giggles app)
Working on your app while stoned leads to poor decisions. Like increasing the price of your app from 99 cents to sixteen dollars … to one hundred and eighty dollars … to two hundred and thirty dollars. Not really sure why the developers stopped at two thirty … perhaps they ran out of weed due to lagging app sales. Make wise choices – just say no.
Be A Hater (The Sushi Experience app)
Look … if you’re an Android-loving, Apple-hating, mofo … just stay the hell away from the App Store. There’s no reason to be the most expensive book in the App Store … especially when your Amazon hardcover price is $26.40 and Kindle at $23.76. Yeah, let’s just stick it to that evil iPhone and its Cult of Mac a-holes and charge $70. Oh shit, it comes with a lap dance … our bad, a fair deal … carry on.
Be Blunt (+MyBattery app)
Of course the sure fire way to kill sales is to stop beating around the bush and cut straight to the chase … Please Wait And Purchase Later … will do, enough said.
iTunes – Featuring Sexually Explicit Descriptions For All To Read
The folks at MountainDev have recently released six versions of the popular adolescent party game, Truth or Dare? However with provocative titles like “Dirty Truth Or Dare Drinking Edition”, “Two Girls Edition”, “Three Way Edition”, etc. … MountainDev is not interested in tapping the teenager market … only uninhibited sexually active adults need apply.
The app’s description paints a pretty clear picture of what users will receive for their buck ninety nine … get naked, answer personal questions, and perform sexy deeds with your friends, lovers and secret admirers! And MountainDev throws out the ultimate adult truth or dare smack talk … they guarantee no other app will get you and your friends taking off each others clothes … faster than this app.
Hmmm … fair enough … nothing like a little iPhone Viagra to spark a flame and get those sexual juices flowing. And perhaps some newly relaxed guidelines for developers … while Apple’s strict “No Nudity – No Pornography” is still in effect, sexually graphic and erotic topics in print format is 100% ok. Just check out these spicy eBook apps from Andrews UK Limited: Girl Fun – Adventures In Lesbian Loving … Spank Me … Whip Me … Ultimate Sex … Tie Me Up.
But what happens when graphic sexual language, guarded by Apple’s Frequent/Intense Sexual Content 17+ rating, leaks outside the app and into its public iTunes page? Apparently nothing.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Winter Break Edtion) app description:
Kneel down and massage her inner thighs … uhhh, ok, but I’m 11-years-old.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Three Way Edition) app description:
Go down on the other girl while he watches … hmmm, I don’t think this is the iCarly iTunes page I was looking for – time to google threeway.
From iTunes, Dirty Truth Or Dare (College Edition) app description:
Upon reading the Dirty Truth Or Dare College Edition iTunes page, 9-year-old little Suzie had so many life altering questions: “Mommy, Mommy – do you give oral sex? what is oral sex?” … “Daddy, Daddy – I thought whip cream was for pumpkin pie. why do girls put it on their breasts? … “Mommy, Mommy – what does it mean to strip bare and go down on her in front of everyone.” … “Mommy, Daddy – I can’t wait to go to college, it sounds so fun!”
Hmmm … massaging inner thighs, threesomes, oral sex, licking whip cream off breasts, going down on some chick while others watch … are you shitting us – WTF is this, Penthouse Forum Letters? Nope, it’s the freaking App Store, where ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages have access to the 100,000+ app descriptions. Sure Apple implemented parental control restrictions … and while it does attempt to prevent children from downloading inappropriate applications, it certainly doesn’t limit what children can read in descriptions. Time to pull your head out of your ass Apple! Less worries about App Store redesigns and more worries about the inappropriate development of little Suzie’s sexual awareness … that’s what Gossip Girl is for.
Scary Santa Brings The Creepy Side Of Christmas To Your iPhone
‘Tis the season for holiday apps to make their annual downpour into the App Store. Not really sure how many Santa Tracker or Virtual Mistletoe offerings we need, but there are hundreds. And this year, a new treat from Apple – shit loads of sexy holiday apps … Sexy Christmas, Sexy Advent Calendar, Sexy Christmas Countdown and more. We totally anticipate Sexy Christmas Boobs to hit the App Store any day now … we’ll keep you abreast (see what we did there).
But despite the hundreds of holiday redundancies, we do have some festive cheer to share. We found an app that’s original, entertaining and brings the term “deeply disturbing” to a whole new level … Scary Santa.
For your viewing horror, Scary Santa provides numerous images of that really creepy Christmas tradition … children sitting on a stranger’s lap. And because dude is dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, it makes everything ok. Or does it? Scary Santa will have you thinking otherwise … just look at those terrified faces!
Somebody send out an Amber Alert …
Shut up you stupid little shit before I shove this ball down your throat …
A common reaction when staring death in the eyes …
Budget cuts force local mall to use a corpse …
(or Michael “Santa Claus” Jackson … could go numerous directions with this one … whitening skin – dead body – small children – etc.)
As an aside, for additional psycho Santa awesomeness, be sure to check out the recently launched Sketchy Santas website. Some of the Scary Santas double as Sketchy Santas. Hopefully there is nothing sketchy about this practice (ha, we did it again).
Official Playboy App Approved, For The Articles Of Course!
We’re willing to bet our left nut that Hugh Hefner is a member of the “Cult Of Mac” as Playboy has always been quick to embrace Apple’s emerging technologies. In 2004, Playboy introduced iBod … a set of specially formatted thumbnail images that could be uploaded to the newly introduced iPod Photo. A year later, in 2005, Bodcasts were launched … sort of like podcasts, but Playboy-style. When the iPhone debuted in 2007, Playboy once again led the bandwagon with iPlayboy … a collection of downloadable multimedia features all formatted for the iPhone. So while Playboy claims they attempt to align with the newest and hottest media platforms … we think it’s bullshit … Hef is simply a MacHEAD!
So with over 110,000 applications available, the App Store is Apple’s latest darling. And of course, Playboy is there to get a piece of her action. On Tuesday, December 8, the official Playboy iPhone app hopped into the App Store (see what we did there) at $1.99.
The app is a scaled-down iPhone version of the largest selling men’s magazine, Playboy, and includes portions of the text from the following well known features … Playboy Interview, Playboy Advisor, 20 Questions, Party Jokes, Fashion and more.
And to answer the question on everyone’s mind … yes, the Playboy app delivers monthly doses of air-brushed goodness … the Playmate Of The Month. Now before you get all hot and bothered, time for a reality check … Apple does NOT allow nudity in the App Store. So with that barrier firmly in place, the application includes the Playmate’s intro, data sheet, preview pictures and exclusive behind the scenes preview video. We spoke with Playboy spokesperson Theresa Hennessey who explained, “The pictures are all non-nude or cropped, either from the magazine pictorial or from the Playmate’s Playboy.com pictorial.”
In addition to the monthly features pulled from the magazine, the Playboy app contains exclusive content as the aforementioned Playmate video, Playmate photographs and Rabbit Head wallpaper … all designed and only available in the app.
Playboy’s app pricing resembles a monthly magazine subscription. “The Playboy app is priced at $1.99” Hennessey said, “and until the next update, will include both the November and December issues. Future issues will be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 each. For those users who missed any of the past issues, they will also be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 per month.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa … did Hennessey say the November issue of Playboy is now available in the app? The historic November 2009 issue with the first ever cartoon character, Marge Simpson, featured on the front cover of Playboy? Hells yeah … we are there! A buck ninety nine for this piece of history is a bargain … not to mention we’ll be able to proudly display the sexy cool bent ear Rabbit Head icon on our iPhone … which will match our bent ear Rabbit Head necklace, ring, t-shirt, underwear, wallet and coffee mug … cuz that’s how we roll. Thanks Hef … you complete us!
Sad – Beautiful Boobs & Pocket Girlfriend Score App Store Success
Yesterday we came across a horrid scene in the App Store. It was like a car accident unfolding before our eyes … impossible to look away. For the sake of our sanity, we should’ve just moved along … but no, we’re idiots and had to stop and stare. Below is what we’re talking about. Please take a quick peek, then look away! It’s for your own good.
Did you see it? Look again – but quick! WTF is that? The #2 free app in the ENTIRE App Store is Beautiful Boobs … the #2 paid app in the ENTIRE App Store is Pocket Girlfriend. Go ahead, pinch yourself … you’re awake but trapped in a nightmare on App Street.
So let’s take a closer look at these App Store all-stars and see exactly why they are now included among the best of the best.
#2 Free App – Beautiful Boobs
Ok, this doesn’t look too bad. We got an intriguing title … one can never have enough “stunningly pretty images” … you can’t beat the price (free) … “gorgeous and fun photo collection” is better than hideous and boring. But wait … why the hate? Over thirty three flipping thousand user ratings and only 1½ stars? Pop the hood, let’s take a look inside:
Three thumbnail screens with a total of seven pictures
When the seven thumbnails are launched full-sized, they still look like thumbnails
Five out of the seven sets of boobs are arguably man boobs
Damn … no wonder the Beautiful Boobs user below feels cheated and scared. Dude would rather be licking a hobo’s foot than checking out the app’s creeper guys wearing bras. Get this poor kid a Sears Catalog which will surely arouse more than Beautiful Boobs.
#2 Paid App – Pocket Girlfriend
Hmmm … a girlfriend who lives in your pocket. Good idea … low maintenance and easy on the wallet. Oh and check it … no still photos … SHE’S REAL!!! – SHE’S REALL!!! … she’s so real that the developer had to tell us twice. Plus she talks and listens to you … she even misses you when you’re away …. what a sweetheart, we love her already.
And she has over five thousand ratings amounting to a measly two stars. Yikes! Maybe she has a venereal disease or something since she’s obviously been downloaded by a lot of users. Good thing there is an objective description from a real live objective Pocket Girlfriend user.
Freaking liars … she’s NOT real … she’s a short video clip. Meh … and the worst part … when you talk to her type “show me your boobs”, she replies … “buy me a boob job!” LMAO … touché bitch. Actually, if you are that hard up, we suggest you skip the boob job purchase and buy a hooker real girl, preferably one with a heart beat.
This App Is So Cute It’ll Make Your Head Explode
Say you’re having a really bad day and want your head to explode … putting you out of your misery. Or perhaps you are a Visitor (by the way, great TV series, “V”), captured by the opposing force, the Fifth Column. You have no choice but to blow your head up and keep the V’s agenda safe.
Well good news! With the help of a new iPhone app, you can end your sorry state within approximately 30 seconds. Go ahead and watch the demo video below … we cut it a few seconds short of 30 in efforts to preserve our viewing population.
GOOD LORD – what is this complete and utter chaos?!? Well it’s the 30 Kittens Per Second app … an accurate title, because you literally see thirty kittens per second flash across your iPhone screen. 10 seconds = 300 kittens … 30 seconds = 900 kittens. Oh how sweet!
Look, we get it. Kittens are sooo cute (OMG … hahaha … <3 kitties) and cats are the big trend these days (especially those Lolcats) … but if you think staring into a strobe light of kitties is awesome, you are one sandwich short of a picnic.
“This app will make cat lovers smile and may cause uncontrollable joy”
Uh no … this app will make people vomit and may cause uncontrollable seizures. The creators of 30 Kittens Per Second claim “cute just got a whole lot faster.” However we’re thinking 30 Kittens Per Second is better served as a torture device … so cute it’ll make your head explode … yikes!
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