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Sexulator – A Pro Athlete’s Best Friend [$20 Starbucks Giveaway]
($20 starbucks gift card giveaway – see end of article for details)
There are thousands of productivity and organizational apps available for the iPhone. You got note taking apps like Evernote, scheduling and calendar apps, shopping lists, to do lists, file sharing, reminder apps … heck, there’s even the 25h app that gives you an extra 60 minutes of life – turning your 24-hour day into 25.
With all this ingenuity, it should come as no surprise that a new sex utility app has found its way into the App Store … Sexulator [iTunes] from Coconut Island Apps.
The basic premise of Sexulator is to help track your sex life. The app launches with a calendar view of the current month where you can input your sexual activities, including notes about the deed. Upon adding your event, the day is tagged with a corresponding icon: Heart = straight up sex (assuming with or without a partner?) … “O” = oral sex … Lips = make out session (yeah, we also assumed this would be the oral sex indicator) … “M” = more than one partner at the same time (great feature for anal swingers … uh, that didn’t sound right … make that anal retentive swingers). And for those users who get a little too carried away, Sexulator gives the ability to input multiple events for the same day.
In addition to tracking your sexcapades, Sexulator features a calculator which conveniently displays your weekly, monthly or yearly averages … as well as a running total. You can also input a specific date range for activity averages. Based on these calculations, Sexulator labels you with a Sex Status descriptor. Since Nov. 1, KRAPPS has participated in 9 Sex Events, 6 Kiss, 5 Oral and 0 Multiple (we’re still striking out with anal retentive swingers) … all this data labels us as a Sex Pancake – Mrs. Butterworth gets more action than KRAPPS (but no fear, we’re working hard – no pun intended – to beef up our rating).
Now Sexulator is fine and dandy as-is … a more than capable bedroom utility app … but the real beauty is reading between Sexulator’s lines and getting creative with the app.
as a Sex Therapist
It’s a fact of life that most couples will go through some rough patches in the bedroom. Sexulator to the rescue! Using the calendar to enter their deeds, couples will naturally want to do “it” and input more, thus increasing their averages. Look at it as boinking with a goal … increase those averages and sex label ratings.
as a Sex Mediator
Sticking with the couples theme … men typically complain about not getting enough sex from their partner. With the tracking features of Sexulator, the app provides an unbiased ruling and sentence – “Oral sex average is disturbingly low. Please engage in more diver down activities.”
as a Professional Athlete’s Best Friend
Sick of those gold diggers hitting you with paternity lawsuits? Use Sexulator to track all the different women you’ve had sex with and on which days. Knowing the names and sex dates of your partners can predict conception date and save thousands of dollars in legal fees. A perfect app for the NBA.
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GIVEAWAY
In honor of Sexulator, we’re giving away coffee in form of a $20 sexy Starbucks gift card. Simply leave a comment below by Thu, Nov 12, 11:59pm PST and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win the $20 gift card … or you can opt for a DNA Paternity Test Kit if need be.
iPhone Visits The Wizard, Gets A Heart
We recently introduced the concept of Gateway Apps which is similar to the Gateway Theory … kissing leads to having babies – smoking cigarettes leads to a heroin addiction. In iPhone world, Gateway Apps are certain mild and innocent iPhone applications which may then lead to stronger and harsher ones in the future … Fart apps lead to Prostitute Finder apps … Mystery Butt (the “name that animal butt” iPhone game) leads to Name That Celebrity Butt, Athlete Butt, President’s Ass and more. Not all good!
So now we’re worried about our iPhone’s recent trip to Oz. It came back with a heart … a Beating Heart to be exact. Which can only mean one thing, coming soon … Flowing Bladder app – Pulsating Brain app – Contracting Uterus app – Birth Giving Vagina App. Hell, we can see every internal organ being realistically represented in an app solely for entertainment purposes.
Beating Heart app … a bad, bad, bad gateway app.
And be sure to check out the Beating Heart video to see what happens when you make a heart beat too fast. Think Baby Shaker app, but not as morbid …yet still a curious ending.
One Dare, A Million Giraffes – Help Ola Kick Jorgen’s Ass
Dare (verb): the act of challenging or provoking someone to do something bold, reckless or impulsive. Like Ralphie’s older brother, Flick, in A Christmas Story … a kid dared him to stick his tongue on a frozen pole. At first Flick declined the challenge, but then the ultimate of dares was delivered … one that you cannot refuse … the infamous TRIPLE-Dog-Dare. Flick had no choice but to carry out the dare … resulting in his tongue being frozen stuck to the pole and having to be rescued by the Fire Department.
Not all dares are this epic, but still pretty classic are … licking a toilet seat – picking your nose and eating it – shaving off your eyebrows. Office dares are pretty cool too … at the end of a meeting, suggest that it concludes with the singing of the national anthem. Or how about next time you’re at a gas station, use the window washer to wash your entire car.
Challenging the epic “tongue on frozen pole” dare in A Christmas Story is the tale of Ola, Jorgen and a bunch of giraffe images. Poor Ola was TRIPLE-Dog-Dared by his friend Jorgen to collected one million giraffes by 2011. Ola could obtain these giraffes through any format, but the actual giraffe images could not be computer generated or store purchased objects … think drawings, paintings, sculptures, lego’s, etc.
So Ola dedicated his whole life to the million giraffes dare (it helps not to have a life). He’s created a web site … OneMillionGiraffes.com … which displays every giraffe collected, a blog and leverages Facebook and Twitter to beg for giraffes. Ola has become so obsessed that his site contains a worldwide map of user contributions and a statistics page which details daily giraffe receipts (total geek). He’s 147 days into the project, collected 337,812 giraffes … and with 421 days left, needs 662,188 to kick Jorgen’s ass.
Can he do it? Yes he can! Ola has recently launched a secret weapon. His very own giraffe collecting app … Giraffes!
With the Giraffes! app, users can conveniently help Ola reach the one million mark by submitting their contributions from directly within the app. Giraffes! can also be used to browse Ola’s ever increasing giraffe collection (and we’re happy to report, no giraffe porn was found). Oh sure, creating an iPhone app solely based on completing a dare might seem a bit extreme (moronic) … but you gotta understand the nature of a TRIPLE-Dog-Dare, it’s very serious shit and something that is taken lightly.
So help out this poor bastard. Download the FREE Giraffes! app [iTunes] … make a giraffe … and upload your image to his collection. Trust us, this quick and simple task will make Ola very happy. We know because we uploaded the KRAPPS Giraffe (complete with a KRAPPS.com tattoo on the giraffe’s leg) and Ola told us it made him happy.
Breasts Are Confusing – Bra Meter Can Help
Have you ever looked at a woman’s breasts and been confused? Call ‘em what you want … boobies, knockers, tatas, the twins, cans, hooters, headlights, melons or rack … the bottom line is – breasts are baffling!
And we’ll be the first to admit, when we look at a woman’s gazongas, the first thing that enters our mind is … “Hmmm, wonder how big those puppies are” (second thing is … “fake or real” … where’s that iPhone app?). Yeah, men are pigs, whatever … but it’s not like breasts are confusing to only the male gender. Nope, women are just as confused about their breasts as their Martian friends (to be clear, men are really not Martians … hoping for a clever reference to the “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” book). Why else would there be the Bra And Cup Size Calculator app? Because breasts are just as confusing to the ladies … they keep forgetting their bust size … they need an iPhone app to remind them how grand are their tetons.
So getting back to the confused Martians … great news! Apple has just approved a new app which will take the guess work out of that age old question, “how big are they?” – Bra Meter.
See that? Awesome! Simply pick one of the nine bra letters (A though H) and a size 1 polka dot bikini girrrl appears with the corresponding rack. Of course since this app is geared towards Martians, a clever “definition” of the bra size letter appears on the screen … C = Can’t Complain, E = Enormous … along with the proper facial expression from bikini girl’s gawkers … E = eyes wide open, big smile, tongue hanging out of mouth.
Now we realize some of you might be thinking that Bra Meter is an offensive and sexist app. Nah, not even close. A really offensive and sexist app would be the “As Seen In The Wall Street Journal” app … Shake That Booty. And judging by real live Bra Meter user ratings, we’re thinking Bra Meter is the boob.
Coworkerisms – It’s KRAPPSpalooza In Here!
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
As anyone who has ever worked in an office knows, casual conversation with your coworkers can be problematic. Avoidance will likely get you labeled as anti-social, while saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time may earn you an even worse title: anti-employed! Television writers Jacob Lentz and Paul Koehorst recognized the need for a guidebook to help cubicle denizens navigate these potentially risky waters. Earlier this year, they published "There’s No I in Office" a compendium of 4,293 phrases which cover tons of everyday situations and even lots of things that are applicable to specific types of jobs. I recently took the book with me when I went on vacation and immediately found a goldmine of useful information. I picked up lots of great one liners to throw off in boring meetings and even some cool new phrases to use when arriving for work ("Welcome back, fellow travelers") and then when leaving at the end of the day ("Tonight, I will sleep the sleep of the just"). And if I ever take up a new career as a lumberjack or U.N. translator, I’ll be covered with such gems as "I love these plaid shirts" and "What’s your favorite foreign swear word?"
But, I know what you’re thinking. This is an iPhone app site, what are we doing talking about a book? Fear not, brave reader, for in addition to the printed offering, the authors have also released a companion iPhone application: Coworkerisms. The application features over 3,000 phrases from the book arranged by category. Or perhaps you’re feeling super-adventurous and will go for the random quote. Either way, now you’ve got lots of ammunition to fire back when the office’s chatty Cathy comes knocking. And with the iPhone app, you won’t have to write your faves in the palm of your hand, with a Sharpie pilfered from the office supply cabinet.
In addition to the extra thousand or so phrases, the book also features hilarious answers to some common questions you might get asked in the workplace. Each of the answers is pretty much guaranteed to stop the questioner in their tracks and allow you to slip away in the confusion that results. Each chapter of the book also ends with a page of Power Phrases, clever fill-in-the-blank sentences. Amazingly, the term KRAPPS fits well in every one! (the title of this post was one of them).
We haven’t used the term lately, but this book and the companion app are both definitely 100% anti-KRAPPS certified. Coworkerisms is $1.99 in the AppStore [iTunes] and "There’s No I in Office" lists for $11.95, available in your favorite bookstore or $9.56 at Amazon.
Crazy Cool Halloween Costume Alternatives From MouthOff
You poor iDork (term of endearment for individuals who are obsessed with the iPhone … like us) … Halloween is just three days away and you got nothing. No costume, no pumpkin, no love – nothing. Sure you could dress up as Dr. Richard Head or Nurse Connie Lingus … but come on, you’re an iDork … go large or go home! Plop down $1,000 … rig up a 42-inch LCD TV and be a giant working iPhone.
Now we understand if a grand is a bit steep … and if the cash doesn’t kill you, the weight of this puppy will. Each giant working iPhone weighs 85 pounds … not exactly mobile friendly. So you could be cardboard cutout iPhone dude. It’s cheap, lightweight …. but unfortunately looks like total crap.
So if you’re still in that Halloween costume rut, turn to ustwo … the developers of the MouthOff [iTunes] app. As the video below illustrates, these guys are completely insane … but there is a method to their madness. With the 99 cents MouthOff app and two rolls of toilet paper, you’ll be transformed into an uber-cool MouthOff Mummy.
Plus MouthOff includes a Hell-oween update which includes four new Halloween-themed mouths for your ghoulish delights.
Now if rain is in the forecast for your area on Halloween, obviously the toilet paper MouthOff Mummy will look crappier than cardboard cutout iPhone dude. But no fear … there’s a safe alternative that’s equally crazy cool … MouthOff Pumpkin-Head.
Feet – App Store’s Latest Fetish Finally Arrives
Well it took long enough! Approximately 15 months after the App Store opened its doors for Apple approved application purchases … foot fetish apps are finally available for download. We’re not exactly sure why it took so long or the reason Apple chose not to publicly announce the availability of foot fetish apps (under the worldwide spotlight of last week’s F4Q09 earnings call would have been the perfect opportunity), but whatever … we got your back and are shouting it from the mountain tops – “Now Playing In The App Store, FOOT FETISH Apps!”
While not as mainstream as the fetish involving ogling hot chicks plunging their toilets (yes, there really is such a thing … http://HotChicksPlungingTheirToilets.com … the Internet never ceases to amaze us), foot fetishes are growing (no pun intended) in popularity. As a matter of fact, per Wikipedia, foot fetishism (a pronounced sexual interest in feet) is the most common form of sexual preference for otherwise non-sexual objects or body parts.
So fetish away with the first two foot fetish apps available to consumers … Sexy Feet and Sexy Feet. Huh? Uh no, that’s not a typo … Apple approved two different apps with the same name (sure there is an Apple policy against this, but policy-shmolicy).
And just in case there was any confusion to the “purpose” of this application, the Sexy Feet app (no, the other one) contains the publicly visible explicit key word “FootJob” to attract even the most hardcore XXX foot fetishers (is that a word?). We can just hear 6-year-old little Suzi now, “gee mommy, what’s a footjob?” … STRONG!
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