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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
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- Recap Week Of January 3
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Redneck Roundup – Apps For The Less Intelligent
Rednecks … gotta love em! Thinking Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company and Genitalia is an Italian airline. Always talking about how 5th grade was the best six years of their life. Complaining that they can’t marry their sweetheart because there is a law against it. Still confused over the OJ Trial … no Neck, it was not a taste test between Sunkist and Minutemaid! Then there’s Redneck Kindergarten (keg stand training starts early) – Redneck Hot Tub – and the finest life has to offer, Redneck Mansion and Redneck Limousine.
Even Apple loves Rednecks. Heck, didn’t you know there’s a special edition Redneck 
iPhone … includes a genuine rubber band!
And of course there are plenty of apps catering to those mullet-wearing, tobacco-chewing, possum-eating folks we call Necks.
Did someone mention chewing tobacco? Of course! Chew is a staple in any Redneck’s diet and serves as an important source of Neck nutrition. So be healthy … grab a pinch and shove it between your cheek and gum. Yummy … the iDip app … but how come no iSpittoon?!? Where’s a Neck to spit – oh yeah, just swallow that delicious nutritious nicotine laced tobacco juice. Yummy!
It’s often said that pigs (not dogs) are a Redneck’s best friend. Makes sense … they look, smell and have the same intelligence level. So naturally there is a strong affinity between the two. And no surprise that the APiggyClock app is the #1 timepiece among Necks. You got your digital display right in the hog’s nostrils … plus the app doubles as a Redneck soundboard complete with chicken and pig noises. Freaking sweetness!
Ever notice that Rednecks are so busy … watching paint dry, taming stallions, drinking beer and practicing guitar. So you would think a cool productivity app like Evernote or To Do’s would come in handy. NOT! Why would a Neck want such garbage when they can download the Get ‘R Done app and organize their time. Plus this app is so sexy … just looking at the icon just makes me want to swallow some more tobacco juice. That girl is so yummy!
Now besides picking their guitar, Rednecks love other musical instruments. Beer cans, chain saws, crickets, police sirens … and don’t forget your armpit is a beautiful source of melodies … YEEHAW, the Armpit Fart app!
But by far the best Redneck musical instrument is The Mouse Organ. It’s a very simple app … even a pig … errr … Neck can use it. Four brown mice … squish the mice with your finger … hear them squeak and watch them die and bleed. Oh hells yeah, that’s music to any Redneck’s ears!
Wax A Hairy Groin With This iPhone App (FREAK)
Can we ask you a couple of personal questions? We promise not to judge and will keep 
your responses confidential … seriously, cross our hearts and pinky swear.
> Do you secretly desire applying wax on a
man’s hairy groin area using only your
fingers?
> Does it turn you on to rip off the applied wax
and witness your victim scream in pain
while his hairless groin pulsates and turns
pink?
If you answered “Yes” to one or more of the above … FREAK! But hey, it’s all good … like we said, we won’t judge (FREAK). Rather, we’re here to help you (SICKO) by announcing the new ManWax app from RustyCroc … guaranteed to satisfy your ultimate (FREAK) male pubic hair waxing fetish.
Hmmm … now that we think about it, these rusty crocodiles might be onto something. Just think about the possibilities … BikiniWax, LandingStripWax, BrazilianWax, AppleWax (for the ultimate fan-boy/girl), etc. Hey, don’t laugh … if Apple approved the Asian Boobs app, surely they would accept a whole plethora of pubic hair removal apps. And with Apple’s ridonkulous approval process, we wouldn’t be surprised if RustyCroc’s secret “project seagull” is really the Brightsmiles For Bungholes app (ewww … come on – let’s go … it’s a fashion trend!).
Apple Approves The Asian Boobs App (not a typo), Yet Censors The Dictionary
Attention stand-up comedians … you all SUCK! Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Larry The Cable Guy, Dave Chappelle, Sarah Silverman, etc … it’s time to sit down, shut up and just go away. There’s a new King Of Comedy! And just like Madonna, Bono, Prince and Sting … this act is too huge for more than one name … this comedian is simply known as –> APPLE.
Now have you seen Apple’s latest routine? It’s epic – absolute pant pissing hysteria! Well 
either that or you’ll experience one of those “WTF Moments” in life. Follow along closely …
ACT 1
The other day, Apple made the wise decision to censor the dictionary. You know – that reference book which contains definitions … the same reference book found in elementary schools. Yeah, dictionaries are EVIL! They contain objectionable words like ass, screw and snatch. Not only did Apple censor the dictionary, they slapped that filthy reference book with a 17+ rating. So sucks for you 16-year-old … you will not be purchasing the Apple censored Ninjawords Dictionary app.
ACT 2
So the day after saving the world from the dictionary, Apple does a favor to mankind and approves the Asian Boobs app. No, that is not a typo … the name of the Asian boobs app is Asian Boobs. Guess Apple was tired of all those discreet app titles like Lingerie Fantasy Video, Baberoo Babes, Hot Girls and Peekababe … screw it, let’s just cut to the chase … BOOBS.
The King has spoken! So you better remember …
Dictionary = Evil
Boobs = Good
But we’re still confused about this Good vs Evil deal. Maybe Apple can help us out … we get that Boobs are good – but then why are Vagina and Penis evil? LOL … great comedy!
“How NOT To Sell Your App”, by Angry Jewish Men
The developers at Woodchuck Enterprises are angry. We’re not exactly sure why. Perhaps it’s the low wages, long workers and miserable working conditions … perhaps it’s because they still haven’t figured out how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood … or perhaps The Man required them to work during Yom Kippur (hey, you’d be pissed too if you were Jewish and had to labor on the Day Of Atonement … it’s not cool). But regardless the cause, Woodchuck Enterprises are a heated bunch.
Now you know that rule-of-thumb … “don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry”. Well the same holds true in iPhone World … don’t develop iPhone apps when you’re mad”.
Woodchuck Enterprises had a fantastic idea for their first iPhone app … put a modern twist on the old time traditional Jewish game of Find The Matzah by releasing an app appropriately named … Find The Matzah. They came up with this cutesy Matzah Man character, complete with a nifty looking yarmulke. They coded the game where Matzah Man hides in a napkin and the goal is to find and unwrap him. Granted, not an earth shattering app … but a fairly decent one nevertheless.
So with Find The Matzah coding completed, Woodchuck Enterprises began work on the critical task of writing the app’s description. Critical in the sense that this is their app’s voice to the customer … their one real chance to make a good impression and hopefully close the deal with a purchase and download of their app.
They decided to take the straightforward approach … the standard “How To Play” section along with a “Description” section that gives a some historic background to the game. Their work was completed … Find The Matzah had a description and now it was off to the dreaded approval process (there is no porn in Find The Matzah, so the developers were a bit nervous of having Apple reject app since iPhone porn in the new App Store rage).
But no … the angry Jewish men just couldn’t let it go. They couldn’t just hit the submit button and be done with Find The Matzah. They had to let their anger get the best of them and include a final “Note” section in the description …
LOL …. WTF Woodchuck Enterprises?!? Are you freaking serious? Very nice first impression … watch out Camera Zoom … soon, Find The Matzah will be replacing your ass as the #1 paid app – they (and Best Buy) discovered the secret marketing ingredient … always make sure to INSULT YOUR CUSTOMER! Great advice Chuck, we won’t be buying. But congrats … you are now featured on KRAPPS … and that our friends, is priceless.
The Daily Show Spotlights iFart Legal Battle – LMAO
Ok, so you probably are aware of the lawsuit brewing between iFart and Pull My Finger. Yup, you heard right … FART APPS battling it out with expensive lawyers before a judge in a court of law … WTF?!? We’re not going to belabor the story … you can check out all the “juicy” details at CNET (told you it was serious – even CNET is carrying the news).
This whole fart smack down thing is just too funny to take seriously. And that’s why we want to share with you this hysterical clip from The Daily Show With Jon Stewart … it’s LMAO madness and will certainly raise a few eyebrows when Pull My Finger creator, Eric Stratton, compares his app’s accomplishments to the legendary and first African-American MLB player of the modern era, Jackie Robinson … WTF?!?
iWet T-Shirts Game Makes A Splash On The iPhone
The iPhone never ceases to amaze us. Dang it’s cool … and if you don’t think so … well – you suck. Seriously, think about this:
Can you turn your Blackberry into a penis? … Uh – NO!
Can your Palm Pre train you to correctly touch a girl’s body? … Uh – NO!
Can you light farts with the Android? … Uh – NO!
See all those proof points … iPhones rule, other Smartphones drool.
So like today – once again, we are amazed. Just when we thought the iPhone couldn’t get any cooler than with yesterday’s Strip Club auto-locate app … BAM! … it does. Two words:
WET … T-SHIRT.
Ok, … now close your eyes – pinch yourself real hard – and open your eyes. Look, you’re not dreaming and we’re not kidding … it’s for real … it’s the iWet T-Shirts app (appropriately released by iWet Media, Inc.).
So with iWet T-Shirts … it’s just you, a hose and all of your wildest drenched dreams. Choose one of four lovely ladies and start spraying away with your adult water gun. Now be careful, don’t get all sloppy silly with your soaking … if your water pressure or aim is off, you will not be rewarded with that see through dripping delight.
iWet Media is already planning future updates which will include such treats as Beautiful Brunettes, Girls Next Door and Babes In Thongs. Oh, and don’t worry – we read your mind … we already emailed iWet with suggestions for future apps … iMud, iJello and iHot Oil Wrestling.
Yeah you dirty bastard … how cool is your iPhone now?!?
The Evolution Of Anal Volcano Apps
Try this fascinating exercise: go to one of those app aggregator sites like Apptism or AppShopper … search the term “FART” and check out the number of results –> AppShopper returns 457 fart possibilities, while Apptism displays 613. Now granted, many of these results are wussy-bitch apps just keyword whoring off real fart apps, but nevertheless … DANG … that’s a lot of butt burps!
(from KRAPPS-Wikipedia: “Keyword Whoring” is the practice some developers use to improve their position in App Store search results, even though their app is totally not related to the keywords they list … also listing a top app, like Pocket God, can be used by keyword whores to pimp off the success of the top app listed.)
While the majority of fart apps remain your old, tired and so-six-months-ago … there are a few of these bean blowers that have attempted to kick it up a notch, tweaking their apps to include the old time tradition of … lighting farts.
Fart Lighter – Pull My Finger
If you’re a fartoholic, you might notice that Fart Lighter is really one of the original fart apps, Pull My Finger by Air-O-Matic. These cheek flappers were keen enough to realize the onslaught of methane bomb apps attempting to cash in on the anal volcano rage. So Pull My Finger made a business decision to pass gas on its competition and integrate fart lighting functionality. Once again … pure butt trumpet brilliance by Air-O-Matic.
Fart Lighter
As we mentioned, no one wanted to miss the anal volcano rage … so of course, it’s only natural to assume that “light your farts on fire” would be the next big one to rip. Eight Bit Studios jumped on this money making opportunity with Fart Lighter. We’re not exactly sure why Eight Bit produces iPhone apps when it’s obvious their true talent is marketing. Heck, just look at the awesomeness of their dedicated FartLighterApp.com web site which has
1 page and 17 choice words:
Fart Lighter… it rules. Light your flucking farts on fire.
Dude, you got a fart? Light it.
FLUCK yeah brah! We’re gonna light our FLUCKING farts on fire! This is FLUCKING cool!
iLightFarts 
Ok, these sound activated lighter apps are peachy keen … but the App Store is joke without a “light your fart on fire” iPhone game. Ahhh, no fear … the iLightFarts game proves the App Store is no joke, but truly revolutionary. Instead of us detailing iLightFarts, check out the freaky looking kid below who gives a hysterical overview of the app. The kid spent all his allowance on iPhone apps and ran out of money to purchase a video recorder … so if you want to see iLightFarts in action, check out the other video for a VERY SERIOUS review. Uh dude, we can’t take you seriously when your serious about reviewing a light your fart app, LOL.
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