iLust App Trains You To Be A Discreet Pervert

Back in July we ran an article called “For The Ladies – The ‘Stop Talking To My Breasts’ App” which featured the Man Trainer. The concept is simple … strap the iPhone to your guy’s head and every time he looks at your boobs, using accelerometer technology, Man Trainer emits a piercing warning scream.

[Editor’s note – yes, we are serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]

Unfortunately, the Man Trainer article was not well received by our male viewers. Many accused us of tipping off their female counterparts and are now forced to wear the iPhone strap to their heads. Hmmm … we can see your point … guess that would suck. But relax perverts fellas, we have good news … some revenge … it’s called the iLust app.

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So basically iLust trains the user to get away with checking out a girl’s rack – without looking like a pervert. It’s kind of like a flight simulator, but instead of controlling an airplane and landing it on a runway, you guide a virtual character’s eyes and land it on a hot chick’s breasts.

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iLust is a low-brow game … naaaah! It’s a perfect way to build your mad pervert skills … because iLust doesn’t just simulate any old amateur scene where a 7-year-old can get away with scoping breasticles (like at a Hooters). Nope … in iLust, you’re at a party, seated between a smokin’ babe and her steroid-taking boyfriend. Talk about a pressure situation for poor ol’ perv!

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This is you interest – how big is your lust for the bust? … yeah, how big is it? But being as her boyfriend has some large guns and a tattoo, you’ve got to ask yourself one question … do I feel lucky? … well, do you, punk?

[Editor’s note – yes, we being serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]

December 17, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 7 Comments 

iTunes – Featuring Sexually Explicit Descriptions For All To Read

The folks at MountainDev have recently released six versions of the popular adolescent party game, Truth or Dare? However with provocative titles like “Dirty Truth Or Dare Drinking Edition”, “Two Girls Edition”, “Three Way Edition”, etc. … MountainDev is not interested in tapping the teenager market … only uninhibited sexually active adults need apply.

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The app’s description paints a pretty clear picture of what users will receive for their buck ninety nine … get naked, answer personal questions, and perform sexy deeds with your friends, lovers and secret admirers! And MountainDev throws out the ultimate adult truth or dare smack talk … they guarantee no other app will get you and your friends taking off each others clothes … faster than this app.

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Hmmm … fair enough … nothing like a little iPhone Viagra to spark a flame and get those sexual juices flowing. And perhaps some newly relaxed guidelines for developers … while Apple’s strict “No Nudity – No Pornography” is still in effect, sexually graphic and erotic topics in print format is 100% ok. Just check out these spicy eBook apps from Andrews UK Limited: Girl Fun – Adventures In Lesbian Loving … Spank Me … Whip Me … Ultimate Sex … Tie Me Up.

But what happens when graphic sexual language, guarded by Apple’s Frequent/Intense Sexual Content 17+ rating, leaks outside the app and into its public iTunes page? Apparently nothing.

From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Winter Break Edtion) app description:

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Kneel down and massage her inner thighs … uhhh, ok, but I’m 11-years-old.

From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Three Way Edition) app description:

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Go down on the other girl while he watches … hmmm, I don’t think this is the iCarly iTunes page I was looking for – time to google threeway.

From iTunes, Dirty Truth Or Dare (College Edition) app description:

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Upon reading the Dirty Truth Or Dare College Edition iTunes page, 9-year-old little Suzie had so many life altering questions: “Mommy, Mommy – do you give oral sex? what is oral sex?” … “Daddy, Daddy – I thought whip cream was for pumpkin pie. why do girls put it on their breasts? … “Mommy, Mommy – what does it mean to strip bare and go down on her in front of everyone.” … “Mommy, Daddy – I can’t wait to go to college, it sounds so fun!”

head_up_your_ass Hmmm … massaging inner thighs, threesomes, oral sex, licking whip cream off breasts, going down on some chick while others watch … are you shitting us – WTF is this, Penthouse Forum Letters? Nope,  it’s the freaking App Store, where ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages have access to the 100,000+ app descriptions. Sure Apple implemented parental control restrictions … and while it does attempt to prevent children from downloading inappropriate applications, it certainly doesn’t limit what children can read in descriptions. Time to pull your head out of your ass Apple! Less worries about  App Store redesigns and more worries about the inappropriate development of little Suzie’s sexual awareness … that’s what Gossip Girl is for.

December 15, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games, Lifestyle | Leave a Comment 

Surviving A Midlife Crisis And A Bolivian Cult, iSlinky Springs Into The App Store

It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
For Fun It’s A Wonderful Toy.
It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
It’s Fun For A Girl Or A Boy.

Original-Slinky-FINAL Launched in November 1945 at Gimbels department store in Philadelphia, the Slinky is a kickass toy. However, Slinky inventor, naval engineer Richard James, is not so kickass. In 1960, suffering from a midlife crisis, Richard decided to bail his wife, Betty, their six children and joined a Bolivian religious cult. Bastard Richard also left the Slinky toy company (James Industries) in total debt and ruin … WTF dude! Luckily Betty was kickass herself and not only saved the company, but expanded it to the tune of 300+ million Slinkys sold to date … although arguably, Betty’s greatest achievement was her Slinky Dog forever immortalized in Disney’s Toy Story movies (can’t wait for June 18, 2010 = Toy Story 3).

So what’s the deal with this helical spring toy and it’s crazy popularity? We searched high and low for the answer and found it in a t-shirt saying – “Some people are like Slinkys, they’re really good for nothing … but they bring a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”

And did you know the Slinky is the official toy of Apple? Sure, why not … go with it. Slinky + Escalator = Infinite Loop … ha! So it should come as no surprise, that this loveable, yet useless tradition is now available as the ultimate iPhone time waster … iSlinky.

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This virtual Slinky stuff totally makes sense. First it doesn’t tangle, so it won’t end up in the trash as a waste of money. Second … iSlinky is even perfect for those folks who live in one story homes. Plus if the iPhone can be home to such old-school classics as Pac Man, Asteroids, Galaga, Monopoly or Life … why not retro toys like the Slinky (or Silly Putty, Etch A Sketch, Mr. Potato Head, Pop Rocks, etc.)?

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Regrettably, Betty died in November 2008 (husband Richard passed away in 1974) … about one year shy of witnessing her magical spring toy go Objective-C on the iPhone. As noted, Betty was a badass business woman … saving the Slinky as her husband deserted her for some Bolivian nut-jobs. It was her business savvy and creativity that successfully expanded the Slinky line to include Slinky Jr., Neon Slinky, Crazy Slinky Eyes and more … so hopefully this marketing savant has time to give iSlinky two thumbs up when she’s not too busy using Richard as a Slinky  … down the Stairway to Heaven.

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December 14, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 3 Comments 

Despite Name, Mr. Dumb iChowdown Is Smart iPhone Gaming

(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)

When Mr. KRAPPS approached me to review another Mr. Dumb game, my immediate reaction was “sweet – another kickass Beavis and Butthead homage! ” In the last Mr. Dumb game I reviewed (Mr. Dumb: Toilet), your main goal was to keep urinals from overflowing and spilling all sorts of nastiness on the bathroom floor. This episode of  Mr. Dumb … iChowdown [iTunes $0.99] …  is a bit more involved as your objective is to feed Mr. Dumb … manually!

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You first start by creating and preparing Mr. Dumb’s meal. After a few seconds of this prep work, you begin the eating process … open Mr. Dumb’s mouth WIDE open and shove the tasty grind right into is pie hole.

So what’s next, you ask? Well, the answer is simple… dude can’t swallow the shit whole … you gotto chew, chew, chew. To make Mr. Dumb chew, you drag his chin up and down. Over and over again. Seriously, you are MANUALLY feeding this guy. I meant it when I said it.

Now be careful … some spicy foods will produce little fireballs halfway through the chewing process. When that happens, don’t panic … just chill by tapping the flare-ups a few times to extinguish them.

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Naturally, swallowing the food is next. You have to quickly drag your finger through different parts of the digestive system (think guts) to successfully swallow the masticated foodstuffs.

Mr. Dumb then takes a swig of cola. The cola generates carbonation bubbles in his throat which must be popped in a specific order since they are numbered. Actually this bit doesn’t make much sense to me … and I’m no Mr. Dumb … LOL.

After the cola swigging bubble popping segment … repeat and eat more tasty grind.

This game is a ton of fun. It might sound a bit repetitive, I know, but it’s kept me entertained for a gynormous amount of time.

Oh wait … he pukes. I mentioned the barfing, right? No? Hmmm … there is PUKING! Thing is, if you try and shove too much food down his throat, Mr. Dumb will throw it right back up in a green, gooey paste. Now maybe it’s just me, but at this point I could’ve sworn I smelled vomit spewing from my iDevice. Anyways … if you do get all out of control and make Mr. Dumb yak, you will forgo the points for that spewed food. Bummer.

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But wait … there is hope if you make Mr. Dumb blow chunks. You can prevent this by pushing the food back in his mouth. The ralphing starts happening in slow motion (doesn’t it always?), with the food sprouting up out of his mouth. If you push it all back to the center, you should be fine, but this is more challenging than it sounds. Just like in real life, once you start puking, it’s tough to make yourself stop. At this point, he may pass out … to save him, you must start slapping the crap out of him. This is probably my favorite part of the game … it’s very satisfying and zen-like. WHACK! – WHACK! – WHACK!

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I know KRAPPS normally focuses on the weird, offbeat apps — which this is, without a doubt, but iChowdown is perfect iPhone madness. It’s very well made, extremely polished, includes top-notch graphics and is one heckuv an entertaining game that will keep you coming back for more. I like to think of Mr. Dumb iChowdown as a Kuality KRAPP and a steal at only 99 cents.

There is one more episode of the Mr. Dumb triology … Mr. Dumb Go Down … which I hope Mr. KRAPPS plays it smart and hits me up for a review … if not, WHACK! (stay tuned)

 

December 12, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | 1 Comment 

I’ll Have a Blue(tooth) Christmas (SuDoKu)

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Thanks to 99Games, it’s Christmas time in the land of SuDoKu, where the familiar numbers have been replaced with icons of the festive season (the numbers are still available for you ScroogeDoKus out there). In Christmas SuDoKu [iTunes $1.99], the change to pictures adds some challenge since it is much easier to determine which number is missing in a series, whereas figuring out that the Candy Cane or the Gingerbread Man is the item you’re missing takes a little more time. Gameplay is straightforward SuDoKu; Santa flies overhead and sprinkles some items onto the board to start you off (how many is based on the difficulty level) and you then have to figure out where the rest go according to three simple rules: an item may only appear once in each row, column and nine slot grouping.

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If you’re a SuDoKu novice, you can earn a few hints which can be redeemed to place a random item on the board and also consult the suggestions for each open spot. Holiday music plays in the background (this can thankfully be turned off after it has worn out its welcome).

But, what’s that you say? You want to challenge a friend who is in the same room? The game has you covered with the somewhat strangely named "Tug-a-friend", which allows you to play against someone over bluetooth. I unwisely challenged my wife, who is like a 9th degree SuDoKu black belt. The only time I beat her was when she left the room for a few minutes and I feverishly kept at the puzzle while she was gone (yes, in many cultures this would be considered cheating).

After you’ve exhausted the SuDoKu portions of the app, you will probably say to yourself "I am in such a festive mood, I wish I could send someone a little e-postcard letting them know just how great this game is." Again, the game has you covered with the somewhat less strangely named "Hug-a-friend". You can build a nice little scene of a decorated tree and then send it to your friend (or you can build the kind of minimalist scene that I did, entitled Frosty Balls).

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If you like SuDoKu, you’ll also like this variant. If you’ve never played SuDoKu before, this app is a good introduction.

December 5, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games | 3 Comments 

Santa Goes On a Killing Spree In Trigger Happy Christmas

For the most part, KRAPPS features applications from the outer edges of the App Store. The whacky, weird, stupid and strange … crappy apps. And since we’re not your typical iPhone site, you can pretty much pocket your money, skip over the apps we feature and save up for the $100 You Are Rich app.

However on occasion, we do highlight apps that are so insane and ridonkulous … we end up totally in love with these social misfits. Stuff like the Ow My Balls game … Killa Kitties From Compton … or the brilliant Beavis and Butthead homage, Mr. Dumb Toilet. Oh and add this new iPhone game to the loony bin … Trigger Happy Christmas.

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LMAO … just in time for the Holidays, Santa goes on a killing spree. Seems Santa’s helpers went psycho (or still pissed about the Elf Bowling game Santa created) and hijacked his sleigh … spilling Christmas Day presents all over the place. To make matters worse, these little bastards are trying to steal the gifts once they hit the ground. But Santa is a bad mofo … he’s got weapons … shot guns, flamethrowers, grenade launchers … all sorts of shit that blow those wicked elves to smithereens. Warning … small children may experience nightmares from playing Trigger Happy Christmas … if you suck, Santa will die!

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Now trust us when we say “smithereens”. You’ve got decapitated heads flying, brains and guts spilling, body parts everywhere … all while the lily white snow becomes a bloody red mess. The more psycho elf carnage means more presents saved … thus increasing your score. Speaking of score … Trigger Happy Christmas features an online scoreboard so you can see where you rank among the world’s best elf slayers. And since Facebook and Twitter are so uber trendy these days, Trigger Happy Christmas allows you to share your kills on these two social media sites.

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And for something completely different (deranged) … you can send Trigger Happy Christmas-themed e-cards via email client … make these your Christmas cards for family and friends who need further proof that you are a total nut job. Speaking of nuts … the roasted elf version rocks!

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Sometimes iPhone chaos works … and in the case of Trigger Happy Christmas, developers Games Faction (also makers of Inkvaders) have created PERFECT iPhone chaos. So to darken your cheery Holidays just a tad, check out Trigger Happy Christmas for 99 cents [iTunes] in the outer edges of the App Store.

 

December 1, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 1 Comment 

Mindless Tap Application Seeds Innovation In Youth

Last month, we wrote an article called … “Man Taps iPhone 844,683 Times Proving Life Is Overrated” … featuring the Million Tap Challenge app. Unlike most iPhone games (or any game for that matter) where some thought, skill or luck come into play … Million Tap Challenge is the ultimate slacker pastime. The goal is to tap your iPhone one million times.

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We continued the story by analyzing the game’s leaderboard (yes, there’s a global leaderboard which ranks losers players worldwide) and concluded that the loser individual in first place with 844,683 taps spent 4 days … nonstop 24/7 … tapping their iPhone.  Conclusion = idiot – get a life!

But hold on … are we really being fair? Does Million Tap Challenge provide some educational value? Perhaps some life lesson? Does playing it really make you a dumbass? Huh? – are you for real – you tap a screen one million times … there’s no value, no lesson … just mindless garbage that indeed makes you a moron.

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But we will admit this … the Million Tap Challenge can lead to innovation. Why’s that? Well check out this true story from a KRAPPS viewer (yes, this is true … we received an email with pictures and video … LMAO).

Some 15-year-old dude downloaded Million Tap Challenge with one goal in mind … to cheat! He wanted to register one million taps … without ever touching his iPhone. He got a sausage – attached it to an electric drill – taped the drill so it was locked in the “On” position – mounted and taped down the iPhone … thus giving birth to an electric tapping machine with a sausage interface.

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But just as the Wright Brothers failed numerous times before their first flight, alas the electric drill method sucked. The torque of the drill kept thrashing the sausage and the battery life of the cordless drill was on par with the iPhone – it blows. But a second attempt  proved successful … a motorized golf caddy with the same sausage interface.

 

What a wonderful story about a revolutionary idea … sausages and humanity finding common ground. Big thanks to Million Tap Challenge for seeding innovation in our youth.

November 28, 2009 | Filed Under Games, News | 4 Comments 

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