“How NOT To Sell Your App”, by Angry Jewish Men

angry_woodchuck The developers at Woodchuck Enterprises are angry. We’re not exactly sure why. Perhaps it’s the low wages, long workers and miserable working conditions … perhaps it’s because they still haven’t figured out how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood … or perhaps The Man required them to work during Yom Kippur (hey, you’d be pissed too if you were Jewish and had to labor on the Day Of Atonement … it’s not cool). But regardless the cause, Woodchuck Enterprises are a heated bunch.

Now you know that rule-of-thumb … “don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry”. Well the same holds true in iPhone World … don’t develop iPhone apps when you’re mad”.

Woodchuck Enterprises had a fantastic idea for their first iPhone app … put a modern twist on the old time traditional Jewish game of Find The Matzah by releasing an app appropriately named … Find The Matzah. They came up with this cutesy Matzah Man character, complete with a nifty looking yarmulke. They coded the game where Matzah Man hides in a napkin and the goal is to find and unwrap him. Granted, not an earth shattering app … but a fairly decent one nevertheless.

Find The Matzah 1   Find The Matzah 2

So with Find The Matzah coding completed, Woodchuck Enterprises began work on the critical task of writing the app’s description. Critical in the sense that this is their app’s voice to the customer … their one real chance to make a good impression and hopefully close the deal with a purchase and download of their app.

They decided to take the straightforward approach … the standard “How To Play” section along with a “Description” section that gives a some historic background to the game. Their work was completed … Find The Matzah had a description and now it was off to the dreaded approval process (there is no porn in Find The Matzah, so the developers were a bit nervous of having Apple reject app since iPhone porn in the new App Store rage).

But no … the angry Jewish men just couldn’t let it go. They couldn’t just hit the submit button and be done with Find The Matzah. They had to let their anger get the best of them and include a final “Note” section in the description …

Find-The-Matzah-Title-FINAL22

LOL …. WTF Woodchuck Enterprises?!? Are you freaking serious? Very nice first impression … watch out Camera Zoom … soon, Find The Matzah will be replacing your ass as the #1 paid app – they (and Best Buy) discovered the secret marketing ingredient … always make sure to INSULT YOUR CUSTOMER! Great advice Chuck, we won’t be buying. But congrats … you are now featured on KRAPPS … and that our friends, is priceless.

August 3, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 4 Comments 

iWet T-Shirts Game Makes A Splash On The iPhone

you_suck_bunny_FINAL The iPhone never ceases to amaze us. Dang it’s cool … and if you don’t think so … well – you suck. Seriously, think about this:

Can you turn your Blackberry into a penis? … Uh – NO!
Can your Palm Pre train you to correctly touch a girl’s body? … Uh – NO!
Can you light farts with the Android? … Uh – NO!

See all those proof points … iPhones rule, other Smartphones drool.

So like today – once again, we are amazed. Just when we thought the iPhone couldn’t get any cooler than with yesterday’s Strip Club auto-locate app … BAM! … it does. Two words:
WET … T-SHIRT.

iWetTshirts_Title

Ok, … now close your eyes – pinch yourself real hard – and open your eyes. Look, you’re not dreaming and we’re not kidding … it’s for real … it’s the iWet T-Shirts app (appropriately released by iWet Media, Inc.).

So with iWet T-Shirts … it’s just you, a hose and all of your wildest drenched dreams. Choose one of four lovely ladies and start spraying away with your adult water gun. Now be careful, don’t get all sloppy silly with your soaking … if your water pressure or aim is off, you will not be rewarded with that see through dripping delight.

iWetTshirts5    iWetTshirts4 

iWetTshirts3    iWetTshirts6  

iWetTshirts_Icon iWet Media is already planning future updates which will include such treats as Beautiful Brunettes, Girls Next Door and Babes In Thongs. Oh, and don’t worry – we read your mind … we already emailed iWet with suggestions for future apps … iMud, iJello and iHot Oil  Wrestling.

Yeah you dirty bastard … how cool is your iPhone now?!?

July 28, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 6 Comments 

Chess Wars For iPhone Is Solid anti-KRAPPS

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

chess2 Released about two weeks ago, Chess Wars [iTunes] by Blunder Move incorporates Facebook Connect functionality to allow you to challenge opponents and make your moves all from the comfort of your iPhone or iPod Touch.  The app’s ultra-clean interface will not get in the way while you wield chess mastery over your friendly foes.  The first order of business, of course, is to find someone to play against.  This person will need to be your friend on Facebook and will also need to have the Chess Wars app (the developer’s website mentions that a web client is planned for the future).  Once identified as meeting these criteria, you are able to issue a challenge and the game is underway.  For your friends who do not yet have the app, you can send them an invitation, which presumably offers them a link to quickly locate the application in the App Store.

   ChessWars1

The game board is very well represented, with easily identifiable pieces and, for chess novices, the legal moves highlighted when a piece is selected.  An in-game chat offers the ability to taunt (or praise, if you so choose) your opponent with witty banter.  The chat messages and the move notifications can also be sent to the Facebook account (this is turned on by default).  The previous moves registered in the game are always available for careful review, quiet contemplation and perhaps a bit of uninhibited consternation.

ChessWars2   ChessWars3

antikrappssealv2gif Since the game’s success is dependent on widespread adoption, it has been priced accordingly at the minimum 99 cents.  Sure, there are other chess apps in the App Store which feature an AI to play against.  This app is clearly positioned as the choice for playing against your Facebook friends and it’s also 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified!

The game currently has a few issues for which the developer has already submitted an update.  These are mostly minor annoyances and do not detract from gameplay.

July 25, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | 1 Comment 

The Evolution Of Anal Volcano Apps

Try this fascinating exercise: go to one of those app aggregator sites like Apptism or AppShopper … search the term “FART” and check out the number of results –> AppShopper returns 457 fart possibilities, while Apptism displays 613. Now granted, many of these results are wussy-bitch apps just keyword whoring off real fart apps, but nevertheless … DANG … that’s a lot of butt burps!

(from KRAPPS-Wikipedia: “Keyword Whoring” is the practice some developers use to improve their position in App Store search results, even though their app is totally not related to the keywords they list … also listing a top app, like Pocket God, can be used by keyword whores to pimp off the success of the top app listed.)

Keyword_WhoringFINAL

lighting-a-fart-on-fireFINA While the majority of fart apps remain your old, tired and so-six-months-ago … there are a few of these bean blowers that have attempted to kick it up a notch, tweaking their apps to  include the old time tradition of … lighting farts.

Fart Lighter – Pull My Finger
If you’re a fartoholic, you might notice that Fart Lighter is really one of the original fart apps, Pull My Finger by Air-O-Matic. These cheek flappers were keen enough to realize the onslaught of methane bomb apps attempting to cash in on the anal volcano rage. So Pull My Finger made a business decision to pass gas on its competition and integrate fart lighting functionality. Once again … pure butt trumpet brilliance by Air-O-Matic.

Fart Lighter
As we mentioned, no one wanted to miss the anal volcano rage … so of course, it’s only natural to assume that “light your farts on fire” would be the next big one to rip. Eight Bit Studios jumped on this money making opportunity with Fart Lighter. We’re not exactly sure why Eight Bit produces iPhone apps when it’s obvious their true talent is marketing. Heck, just look at the awesomeness of their dedicated FartLighterApp.com web site which has 
1 page and 17 choice words:

Fart Lighter… it rules. Light your flucking farts on fire.
Dude, you got a fart? Light it.

FLUCK yeah brah! We’re gonna light our FLUCKING farts on fire! This is FLUCKING cool!

Fart_Lighter_1   Fart_Lighter_2

iLightFarts
l-light-farts_icon Ok, these sound activated lighter apps are peachy keen … but the App Store is joke without a “light your fart on fire” iPhone game. Ahhh, no fear … the iLightFarts game proves the App Store is no joke, but truly revolutionary. Instead of us detailing iLightFarts, check out the freaky looking kid below who gives a hysterical overview of the app. The kid spent all his allowance on iPhone apps and ran out of money to purchase a video recorder … so if you want to see iLightFarts in action, check out the other video for a VERY SERIOUS review. Uh dude, we can’t take you seriously when your serious about reviewing a light your fart app, LOL.

 

 

July 23, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 17 Comments 

Pork Brains In Milk Gravy – This App Comes Close

porkbrains Have you ever heard something so incredibly ridiculous that you thought for sure it was a joke … only it turns out to be true? Take this BS for example … dude suffering from headaches finds a bullet in his head … WTH – true! Or did you know no matter how hard you try to tickle yourself, you won’t laugh … WTH – true! Pork brains in milk gravy … WTH – true! Scuba divers can’t fart at depths of 33 feet or below … WTH – true!

So we came across this app called Pork Brains In Milk Gravy … no, no, no – just kidding! What we really did come across is an app that’s so completely insane we had to get a second and third opinion. We simply could not believe it … we totally thought it was a joke. But no, just like scuba farts … this ain’t no joke. This is HangTime baby!

HangTime_DescFINAL

WTF is this? … “measure how high you can throw your iPhone” … uh, somebody is “high” alright with that request. Sure, we’re dumbasses … we’ll launch our $300 iPhone towards Mars and hope to God we catch the damn thing before it shatters into zillion pieces. Freaking A – is this an episode of Jackass? But apparently it’s all true … shit, these badass HangTime users even videotape themselves in the act …

 

In Your Face! – New World Record, Biatch! – Chicks dig me cuz I play HangTime! And the online scoring thing is brilliant – the numbers are hysterical.  … there are running counters for the number of iPhones thrown in the air (currently 594), number of times iPhones have been thrown (27,376) and time iPhones have spent in freefall (8,844 seconds). Dave Hufnagel is the single throw leader at 1 minute 7 seconds. Damn, dude must have a bionic arm … LOL, uh no … freak actually took the iPhone skydiving with him and now trash talks all other HangTime challengers.

HangTime_High_Score_Single_   HangTime_Dave

wheelchair_HangTime_FINAL So the “unaided” single throw leader is Tee Jay Green at 5.95 seconds. Now we admit it, being freaks ourselves, we tried this HangTime krapp … our best time was 1.41 seconds and that was tossing the thing pretty freaking high. So we can’t even imagine 5.95 seconds … TJ, bro – you are complete kook! But actually, Tee Jay is already a legend. In the first 28 days of owning the app … he has 4 of the Top 10 scores, has thrown his iPhone 2,072 times for a total is 545 seconds. LOL … that’s nearly 10 minutes of air time, averaging 74 throws a day! WTH TJ … stop training for the Olympics – iPhone tossing is not an event.

TeeJayGreenFINAL

We think the best part of this story is the approval angle. So Apple reviewed HangTime one day after it was submitted. Because of the global high score functionality, HangTime recorded the actual throws and location of the Apple employee (0.59 seconds = wussy!) reviewing the app. Then it took Apple EIGHT MONTHS to finally approve it! They must have been really confused with this one … “no boobs – what do we do?” … priceless … LOL.

Apple_Test_iPhone_HangTime

Just a word of caution, because we know most of you will go out and try to kick Tee Jay’s ass in HangTime … please throw your iPhone responsibly and under no circumstance attempt to enjoy HangTime under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Thank you for your attention in this matter. Godspeed!

July 17, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 10 Comments 

Sizzling Pork Porn – An iPhone Bacon Roundup

bacon_brothers22 So yesterday we wrote about man’s obsession with boobs. Today we switch gears a little … let’s talk about bacon fascination. Have you noticed that bacon is getting totally out of control lately? Long gone are the days of supermarket bacon brands like Oscar Mayer or Boar’s Head. Nope, these days it’s all about gourmet artisanal bacon … slow smoked, sugar glazed, organic, corn fed, dry aged, etc. … bacon freaks are rivaling those wine snob nut jobs.

(editor’s note: parents, don’t dress your kids up in bacon suits … we will punch you)

And it’s not just the actual piece of meat … bacon is everywhere! Bacon Salt – Bacon Vodka – Bacon Toothpicks – Bacon Lamps – Bacon Wallets – Bacon Bandages – Bacon Air Fresheners – Bacon Dental Floss – Bacon Shoes … damn, supposedly there’s even Bacon-flavored Diet Coke – WTH is that? Seriously, Google all this shit … it’s crazy!

bacon_bandages      bacon_coke

bacon_lamp  bacon_shoes

So obviously not a big surprise … bacon comes sizzling into the App Store. First up we have three fairly straight forward bacon apps … Pocket Bacon, GetBacon and Instant Bacon. These apps bring the sights and sounds of an endless supply of sizzling bacon to your iPhone – call it Bacon Porn, but without the grease.

Pocket_Bacon_Title

GetBacon

Instant_Bacon

Similar to Bacon Vodka, this app is a bit squirrely … Tic-Tac-Bacon … from Dave Calabrese’s App-A-Day project. Come to think of it, Tic-Tac-Bacon makes perfect sense. Face it, tic-tac-toe is pretty freaking lame … but throw in some bacon action … and this sack of suck all of a sudden becomes golden and trendy (not quite as appealing as
Sexy Tic-Tac-Toe … but close).

tic_tac_bacon_title

tic_tac_bacon  tic_tac_bacon2

Next we have the bacon-flavored Diet Coke of iPhone apps … the completely bizarre and whack … Dancing Bacon Man. Get this … picture dude – in a suit – with a disturbing bacon head … this sight alone will cause nightmares for days. Now picture the same suit-wearing bacon head dancing the Cabbage Patch or the Egyptian Walk or the Hip Thrust … WTF – LOL. Just complete bacon dancing madness … and rumored to be outlawed in 24 States.

Dancing_Bacon_Man_title

Dancing_Bacon_Man_1

To conclude, we present the ultimate bacon experience … the iBacon app. Now this is not your ordinary sizzling bacon app, rather iBacon takes inspiration from the interactivity of Pocket God. With iBacon, the user experiences the joy of cooking bacon, flipping slices with kitchen tongs, splattering grease, setting off a smoke alarm, draining the grease and finally eating the bacon by tilting the iPhone into your mouth. Rather than our feeble attempt of describing this masterpiece, check out the mouth-watering demonstration video below …

 

So remember … Bacon Is Meat Candy … and when it comes to eye candy, nothing beats the iPhone for pure pork pleasure (stay tuned for the Sexy Farting Bikini Girl Bacon app).

July 15, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 9 Comments 

An Official Viagra App? Stickmen Invasion? Huh?

LadyHuhFINAL The last “Half Ass” article received favorable reviews from our audience. Good to see you all can appreciate a bit of humor at the expense of our foreign developer friends. Hey, if you’re going to play in the US App Store (not to mention, want our money), you better be damn sure your app’s description makes some freaking sense. Leaving a potential customer thinking … “HUH?” … is not the way to turn a profit. And if your description sucks big enough, it will certainly land you here on KRAPPS.

So let’s have a look at what Tokyo-based developers, ITnet, are up too. Recently they released an iPhone game called Lure Drawing. Apparently ITnet blew their entire budget on R&D and were forced to translate their description using Babelfish. Unfortunately, Babelfish turned their iPhone game into something that reads more like a science fiction horror movie where alien Stickmen invade Planet Earth …

LureDrawingDescFINAL

”Stickman is forming the original world. We cannot interfere in such Stickman’s world usually” – “The Stickman gather out of thin air” – “The comical appearance that cannot be seen might be able to usually be seen”.

Run for the hills people … the invisible comical Stickmen are coming to take over world.  This is not funny – the entire human race is screwed – we’re all doomed!

Sorry about that … indeed, a bit too graphic for KRAPPS. Let’s take it down a notch and look at an Entertainment app simply called Mischief. We’re not really sure what it does … something about the iPhone changing into you, then playing momentarily tricks, then becoming “It” (maybe it’s a game of Tag) and finally letting out a “Scream” …

MischiefDesc

Hmmm … a strange one indeed. But we think we’re on to something … we took a closer look at Mischief and believe we discovered the App Store’s first official Viagra application (no wonder they mention “Scream” … huh?).

Mischief_Viagra_Final

July 13, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 11 Comments 

« Previous Page — Next Page »