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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
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Tiger Woods Scandal – The iPhone Plays An Integral Role
Yesterday the world’s first billion-dollar-athlete, Tiger Woods, issued a statement on his web site that pretty much confirmed what TMZ (and every other tabloid media) has been reporting since Thanksgiving … dude cheated on his wife.
And while TMZ continues to run down every angle of the Tiger drama (Tiger’s wife confronted alleged mistress, Tiger leaves voicemail – “my wife is onto us”, 31-month affair, etc), we bring you the iPhone-side of the Woods saga.
The day started quite normal … Tiger woke up, kissed his wife good morning, took a leak, grabbed a cup of coffee and fired up a new iPhone app he downloaded last night …
Angel Or Devil? – the app which plans your day as being naughty or nice.
Tiger was feeling a bit mischievous that morning and selected the Devil Card. And so the devilish affair with Jaimee Grubbs began.
But Tiger’s wife, Elin, is no dumbass. She also owns an iPhone and when she began noticing suspicious behavior by her husband, she launched the sexist Is He Cheating? app to find out if Tiger was using his utility club on anyone else’s golf course (so to speak). Disturbingly the meter read … are you in denial?
The rest of the story has been well documented. Tiger crashes his Cadillac Escalade … Elin smashes car window and rescues Tiger … Tiger ends up in the hospital …police investigations … and the aforementioned admission of wrongdoings.
So now it’s time for the Woods family to heal. And of course the iPhone is there to help through these troubled times. Tiger will use the Confess app to anonymously confess your sins to the world and makes his life better … as the app states, “it is a proven fact that confessing will make your life better.” Once finished with Confess, Tiger will “correct a wrong and gain forgiveness from a person who is wronged” with the Repentance app.
Of course it ain’t that simple … per the Heaven And Hell app, Tiger has some more work to do. Start with the Singing Bowl And Prayer app and mix in the
A Good Deed A Day app (“helps you to become a better person” ) and Tiger will be back on the road to salvation (just don’t crash into a fire hydrant this time dude) in no time.
We know it won’t be easy, but it’s important for Elin to let go of those negative emotions she has towards Tiger. By letting go, she will regain peace, happiness and a strong loving relationship with her husband. This healing process should be constructive, healthy and safe … which is why the FaceFighter app is just what the doctor ordered … Elin will certainly heal better by beating the shit out of a virtual Tiger.
[that’s it … move along … nothing more to see here … we used FaceFighter as the punchline of this article … pun totally intended]
Screw Prozac! This Cleavage Mania App Guarantees Happiness
Today we look at a new app called …. Tanimania. We’ll let Tanimania do most of the talking since the developer, Kayac Inc., prepared a superb and informative description.
Awfully nice of Kayac to thank us for waiting …. gee these guys are swell. And damn, guess we missed the memo since honestly, we didn’t even know we were waiting for a photo retouch application. Hmmm, is it just us or is there some kind of subliminal thing going on with Tanimania’s icon? Like all of a sudden we have a craving for an order of Hooters chicken wings. A closer look …
Hey, wait a second … those are BOOBS! Seriously, look closely … we see cleavage. Damn those Kayac guys are smart marketers … but we digress. Let’s read on …
Ahhh … starting to make sense. The subliminal Hooters craving … the boob shot icon … the foreign title “Tanimania” … it’s all about CLEAVAGE MANIA baby!
Well duh … thank you Mr. Obvious … “This application makes you happier by retouching cleavage of your picture even sexier automatically” … translated – screw Prozac … boobs are the ultimate antidepressants – boobs make you happier.
WTH – there you go Kayac … you just had to ruin a “happy” thing with your weird ass shit imagination. We were totally fine with taking pics of our various lady friends and giving them some extra “happy” … so why get creative on us? Animal boobs? Sorry … no interest in black bear or poodle boobs. Food boobs? Are you f**cking serious? Like apple, pizza and creme brulee boobs? All kinds of materials? Two-by-four and drywall boobs? No, no, no Kayac … wrongmodo! Bad idea to ask your creativity … if you’re gonna gawk at boobs, they belong on one kind of material – GIRLS.
But hey, who are we to judge? If kangaroo boobs make you happy, cuter and sexier … go for it! Watch the Tanimania demo video and then ask your creativity to find a good one! Enjoy!
Santa Goes On a Killing Spree In Trigger Happy Christmas
For the most part, KRAPPS features applications from the outer edges of the App Store. The whacky, weird, stupid and strange … crappy apps. And since we’re not your typical iPhone site, you can pretty much pocket your money, skip over the apps we feature and save up for the $100 You Are Rich app.
However on occasion, we do highlight apps that are so insane and ridonkulous … we end up totally in love with these social misfits. Stuff like the Ow My Balls game … Killa Kitties From Compton … or the brilliant Beavis and Butthead homage, Mr. Dumb Toilet. Oh and add this new iPhone game to the loony bin … Trigger Happy Christmas.
LMAO … just in time for the Holidays, Santa goes on a killing spree. Seems Santa’s helpers went psycho (or still pissed about the Elf Bowling game Santa created) and hijacked his sleigh … spilling Christmas Day presents all over the place. To make matters worse, these little bastards are trying to steal the gifts once they hit the ground. But Santa is a bad mofo … he’s got weapons … shot guns, flamethrowers, grenade launchers … all sorts of shit that blow those wicked elves to smithereens. Warning … small children may experience nightmares from playing Trigger Happy Christmas … if you suck, Santa will die!
Now trust us when we say “smithereens”. You’ve got decapitated heads flying, brains and guts spilling, body parts everywhere … all while the lily white snow becomes a bloody red mess. The more psycho elf carnage means more presents saved … thus increasing your score. Speaking of score … Trigger Happy Christmas features an online scoreboard so you can see where you rank among the world’s best elf slayers. And since Facebook and Twitter are so uber trendy these days, Trigger Happy Christmas allows you to share your kills on these two social media sites.
And for something completely different (deranged) … you can send Trigger Happy Christmas-themed e-cards via email client … make these your Christmas cards for family and friends who need further proof that you are a total nut job. Speaking of nuts … the roasted elf version rocks!
Sometimes iPhone chaos works … and in the case of Trigger Happy Christmas, developers Games Faction (also makers of Inkvaders) have created PERFECT iPhone chaos. So to darken your cheery Holidays just a tad, check out Trigger Happy Christmas for 99 cents [iTunes] in the outer edges of the App Store.
SmackDat – An Intimate iPhone Encounter
Although we engage in beatdowns of various apps, we still love our iPhone! It can blow stuff … keep us out of jail … heck, we can even get all hip-hop and wear it as a pimpin’ necklace. But no matter how crazy we are about the iPhone, we will literally not … get crazy.
Seriously, what is with people these days. Just last week, some dude named Sal married Nene Anegasaki. Which is all fine and dandy, except Miss Anegasaki is a freaking video game character! Sal married his virtual girlfriend from the Nintendo DS game, Love Plus. Two words … you eeediot!
Then there are all those creepy iPhone apps which simulate intimate encounters with a woman. With the Kisscomi app, you can kiss a virtual iPhone girl … while the Genie In A Bottle app lets you grope her.
We thought these apps were disturbing until we came across the SmackDat app …
Well we knew the developer was high after just reading the first twelve words of the app’s description …
“SmackDat is a fun, hip way to become intimate with your iPhone”
Huh, it’s hip to be intimate with your iPhone? Uh no dude, it’s f&%cking gross to be intimate with your iPhone … whether you use one or multiple fingers … being intimate with your iPhone is just plain wrong.
“You phone is your new valentine”
Seriously dude, WTF … advice – get your head examined! What the hell kind of an app did you develop? We are very afraid and wouldn’t even smack dat with someone else’s unit.
Hmmm … looking back at it now … guess we actually don’t mind dicknose Sal or Kisscomi or Genie In A Bottle. Pretty normal stuff compared to SmackDat because at least these examples involve a pretend girl. SmackDat is just flippin’ psycho because there’s not even a make believe hot chick in the equation … just you getting your freak on with the iPhone.
Argh – bad mental image! Ok, gotta go … think we’re going to be sick!
Recap: Week Of November 23
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
November 23: Virtual Girlfriend App Sleeps With You – Literally!
November 24: “Boobs” – The App Store’s New Buzzword
November 25: A Homeless Transvestite Keeps The App Store Weird
November 26: Stuff We Are Thankful For – Uterus, Roadkill, Fists In Mouths & More
November 27: Hamster Beats All Humans In Reebok iSprint Race [plus video]
November 28: Mindless Tap Application Seeds Innovation In Youth
Mindless Tap Application Seeds Innovation In Youth
Last month, we wrote an article called … “Man Taps iPhone 844,683 Times Proving Life Is Overrated” … featuring the Million Tap Challenge app. Unlike most iPhone games (or any game for that matter) where some thought, skill or luck come into play … Million Tap Challenge is the ultimate slacker pastime. The goal is to tap your iPhone one million times.
We continued the story by analyzing the game’s leaderboard (yes, there’s a global leaderboard which ranks losers players worldwide) and concluded that the loser individual in first place with 844,683 taps spent 4 days … nonstop 24/7 … tapping their iPhone. Conclusion = idiot – get a life!
But hold on … are we really being fair? Does Million Tap Challenge provide some educational value? Perhaps some life lesson? Does playing it really make you a dumbass? Huh? – are you for real – you tap a screen one million times … there’s no value, no lesson … just mindless garbage that indeed makes you a moron.
But we will admit this … the Million Tap Challenge can lead to innovation. Why’s that? Well check out this true story from a KRAPPS viewer (yes, this is true … we received an email with pictures and video … LMAO).
Some 15-year-old dude downloaded Million Tap Challenge with one goal in mind … to cheat! He wanted to register one million taps … without ever touching his iPhone. He got a sausage – attached it to an electric drill – taped the drill so it was locked in the “On” position – mounted and taped down the iPhone … thus giving birth to an electric tapping machine with a sausage interface.
But just as the Wright Brothers failed numerous times before their first flight, alas the electric drill method sucked. The torque of the drill kept thrashing the sausage and the battery life of the cordless drill was on par with the iPhone – it blows. But a second attempt proved successful … a motorized golf caddy with the same sausage interface.
What a wonderful story about a revolutionary idea … sausages and humanity finding common ground. Big thanks to Million Tap Challenge for seeding innovation in our youth.
Hamster Beats All Humans In Reebok iSprint Race [plus video]
Unlike the “hot chick taking her clothes off” app from their sportswear competitor Puma … Reebok International decided to create an app closer to its business core … Reebok iSprint [iTunes – FREE].
Basically this is a finger sprint app … but totally pimped out by Reebok with an awesome feature set not typically found in free iPhone apps :
> Four different tracks to race on
> Realistic starting blocks and starter’s gun game sounds
> Online scoreboards with global rankings (current day, current week, all-time)
> One and two player modes for head-to-head races on two iPhones
> Twitter functionality
The peer-to-peer multiplayer mode is way cool … plus if you’re competitive freaks like us, the global ranking is both a blessing and a curse. It’s kickass to get your name and score on the leaderboard, but you’ll get totally hooked and play iSprint non-stop.
But we must warn you though … if you are looking to set a Reebok iSprint world record, sucks for you. There is a rodent who specializes in putting up insane iSprint times. Yup, a RODENT … a freaking HAMSTER! This little shit is like the Usain Bolt in iSprint world. He goes by the name of Harold and has clocked a world’s best of 3.86 seconds (yes, Harold passed the post-race drug test, so his time is totally legit). Don’t believe us … well then check out Harold’s record breaking video below … dude is amazing!
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