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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
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Corner Office – Payin’ the Cost To Be the Boss
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
Ah, yes, the corner office. The lair of the Big Cheese, the Prime Kahuna, the HMFIC; you get the picture. But, you might be asking yourself, how can I achieve this lofty goal? How can I secure that corner office, with all of the trappings of success that accompany it? I’m pretty sure that just by asking the question, you are out of the running! You’re better off with more realistic goals, like figuring out who keeps stealing your lunch from the breakroom refrigerator. When you get the urge to set your sights higher, you could just pull out your iPhone and load up Corner Office [iTunes] by Low Brow Software instead.
Your first mission is to capture a photo of your boss with the iPhone camera. How you do this without having to explain that you will ultimately be defacing their likeness is left up to you and your ninja skillz. Me, I opted for taking a photo of a posted photo of my boss. Way less damaging for the career!
Your next mission is to throw things at your faux boss while they berate you with over 100 one liners. There are different phrases depending on whether you have a male or female boss. You start out throwing pies, but if you work really hard, you get to throw other things like bananas or mice (the computer peripheral, not the rodent). It was at this stage that I realized the developers had perfectly captured one element of corporate life: work hard and you might just receive a pointless reward!
When you’re ready for a mission with some action (but only a little more), there are two game modes to play. In the game Face Time, the boss figure moves around the screen while you try to hit him or her with more pies, earning cash and promotions along the way. In the game You’re Fired, you need to keep a steady flame going by tilting the device while not running out of fuel.
By now, you’ve probably accumulated some pictures as mementos of playing the games. Your final mission is to clog up the company’s email system by sharing these with your co-workers. Add a quote bubble with a witty management saying like "Johnson, where’s that monthly TPS report!" and it’s sure to get forwarded around the company, cementing your legendary status as "that guy that got fired for putting the CEOs face on a gorilla and throwing pies at it".
At the time of this writeup, this compendium of office themed activities was priced at $2.99 (originally released at $4.99). A little steep for your average cubicle drone, if you ask me.
Press Releases That Don’t Suck
<confused by the title? no – you’re not in the wrong classroom. this really is KRAPPS and not Business 101. we promise.>
Being in da “biz” (LOL – whatever that means), we get a ton of press releases … and that’s nice! Everything from major app publishers, to independents, to iPhone accessory manufacturers, to those annoying SEO evangelists (LOL – whatever that means). Typical press releases are pretty straightforward:
<insert location> – <insert date> – “Company X”, a leading iPhone publisher, today announced the immediate availability of their exciting fast-paced iPhone game, “Really Cool App” in the Apple App Store. Please contact us for an exciting opportunity to review our “Really Cool App”.
Press releases … tired as shit – but we read them … and that’s nice!
Well yesterday we received a breath of fresh air from Rosebrae Technology … announcing their new iPhone game … iRateEm [iTunes – YouTube]. It’s a bit of a “meanie” app, but totally an original. So check out the app’s description and its pant pissing hilarious press release filled with <hooray for> sarcasm and self-effacing humor.
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Auckland, New Zealand – Sep 24, 2009 – Andy Griffiths, lead developer of the new iPhone application iRateEm has denied that he is the fat bloke seen in the application’s screen shots and that he rates a 4 (Munter).
Despite being short enough to be cast as an extra in Snow White and weighing over 85kg, the NZ based Brit stated "There’s no way I’m a 4, that’s so unfair. I’m at least a 6 (Not Bad) or a 7 (I would).
The new application, iRateEm, was released earlier this week and is designed to allow users to take pictures of people they see on a night out and pass them around their mates, taking turns to score their attractiveness. The loser is the player whose score is the furthest from the group average.
Although the game has received criticism from some quarters for encouraging a shallow view of people based on physical attractiveness, Griffiths is unrepentant.
"If it’s shallow to want to take a picture of a perfect stranger and immediately subject them to a judgment by my pissed up mates based on how big their booty is, then I hold my hand up and admit to being shallow. In reality iRateEm was actually conceived as a means of fostering better communications between the sexes and promoting peace and harmony for all, and there aren’t many better ways of doing that than passing around a picture of your mate Dave’s mum, who’s at least an 8 (Oh Yeah)"
Whilst the application has been praised for being well designed and written, there is strong competition from within the iTunes AppStore. Griffiths, however, is bullish.
"You’ve got to be joking, have you seen our main competitors developer? He’d be lucky to rate a 3 (Moooose) and quite frankly I have him down as a 2 (Double Bagger). Don’t tell me that a bloke with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp is going beat us!"
<clipped to save bandwidth – we’re paying for it and it get’s expensive!>
Need A Lumbar Puncture? Don’t Worry, There’s An App For That!
Last week, Gizmodo ran a hysterical iPhone-related Cyanide and Happiness cartoon. Pictured is a dude with massive bleeding from the chest … a bear tore out his ribcage. But no worries … an iPhone owner comes across the gory scene, launches his iPhone, heals ribcage dude and flies off into the skies.
Indeed there is an app for everything … making us iPhone owners 100% bad asses. We’ve already discussed some of the <for lack of a better term> “unique” things you can do with your iPhone …
>> Spy on your kids
>> Count your sperm
>> Win when the stock market crashes
>> Write your own obituary
And now you can add another to this ever growing list, a Lumbar Puncture (aka spinal tap).
Now granted, the Lumbar Puncture app doesn’t perform an actual spinal tap <duh>, but given its multimedia step-by-step instructional guide, you’ll become a skilled surgeon in no time. What? A disclaimer? …
LOL … oh yeah, that’ll work. You know damn well there will be some jackass who will use the Lumbar Puncture app to perform an actual spinal tap … on a friend … in their garage … broadcasting live on Justin.tv.
Ha! Screw med school … get an iPhone!
Most Offensive App Ever – As Seen In The Wall Street Journal
ATTENTION – Please proceed with extreme caution! We are highlighting an app that is so controversial and offensive that it caused uproar on Twitter, was exposed by The Wall Street Journal and immediately upon release, the developer started receiving hate email. Again, this subject matter is not for the faint of heart … consider yourself warned!
The story goes like this …
Dennis Comeau is a 49-year-old shoe designer. About six months ago, he and his wife started an app development company, Visionaire Design. Peculiarly, Dennis was inspired when he learned about a rejected app called iBoobs (gee, guess what iBoobs does … shake iPhone, see jiggling boobies). He took an approach a bit “south” and focused on ass. Dennis figured if KC And The Sunshine Band enjoyed “Shake Your Booty” success … why can’t he. So Visionaire submitted the Shake That Booty app for approval and was quickly axed by Apple. Girl’s ass in a little bikini simply doesn’t fly with Apple. So Dennis dressed the ass with bigger panties … NOT … again, killed by Apple. Third time’s a charm? Yes of course … a cartoon ass in jeans is all good with Apple.
For a more intimate experience, see our exclusive Shake That Booty video below. Again … WARNING … it’s extremely offensive (uh, no smartass … we’re not talking about the quality of the video). And don’t worry about turning up your volume for clearer sound, there is none!
Sorry … we know … absolutely disgusting! A cartoon butt that gyrates. Definitely not something you’ll see at any high school dance, Shakira music video or clubbing on the weekend. A shaking ass – DA HORROR!
Well little did Denis know, his provocative shaking rear end would cause quite the outrage. Hundreds of iPhone users and bloggers questioning why Apple approved such smut. Heather Lyte (Twitter @shopgadgetgirl) tweeting her dismay to 800+ followers (seriously?). And the ultimate ridicule … reporter Maureen Scarpelli, of The Wall Street Journal, exposing Shake That Booty to a worldwide audience. Oh yeah, not to mention the hate email Dennis started receiving.
Poor Dennis … what a douche! He thought his Shake That Booty app would fly under the radar, avoiding public scrutiny. Didn’t he realize his undulating Shakira-like backside would be way more offensive than … an app which turns your iPhone into a penis … an app which teaches you how to pleasure a woman … a Peeping Tom app … an app of women touching their breasts and whoo-haw. Gotta give props to The Wall Street Journal for ignoring the various iPhone pornography apps and focusing on the real offensive issue at hand, Shake That Booty … journalism at its finest.
As for you Dennis … shame on you! But please ping us when/if you release the Shake That Rack app … we would like to avoid being scooped by The Wall Street Journal again.
Pocket Shot – We’re Still Talking About An App, RIGHT?!?
Remember that yesteryear toy called Slime? Well, we guess … but unless you are a total toy geek or 107 years old, you probably don’t recall. Anywhoo, Slime was this oozy drippy green material that came in a little trash can. Kids basically just held and touched the stuff getting totally grossed out by its cold, wet and slimy feel. Gets kinda boring after 12 seconds, but that’s when child creativity takes over … throwing the shit all over the place was the best! Flinging green slime at your friends, on the wall or at the TV provided countless hours of entertainment. The real punks hurled slime at their mom, sister’s hair and at the ceiling or box fan (for maximum household damage).
Well good news from yesteryear … slime is now available for your iPhone in form of the Pocket Shot game [iTunes] for only 99 cents (or check out the Lite version for free).
Similar to another awesome toy, Silly String … Pocket Shot turns any gathering into a party! This game is perfect for killing time in your dorm room, fraternity or sorority house. Liven up a business meeting, Bible study class or traffic school. Everything from birthday to bachelor parties can be kicked up a notch with Pocket Shot.
Gameplay is simple. The key is to choose the right picture for the Pocket Shot target. A facial close-up provides maximum entertainment. Next you’ll have to pump your weapon. This is done by shaking your iPhone up and down really fast a bunch of times. Once loaded, you’ll need to aim your barrel. Finally, release the gooey slime by stroking the pump grip. Hopefully you have mad skillz and your blasted goo hits its facial target, scoring big points (and go ahead, brag about your score with in-app Twitter support).
Whoa now! Hold on … wait just a minute!
Hard pumping – Shake your iPhone up and down (fast!)
Stroke the pump grip – Show ‘em your O face as your shot is released
Uhhh – WTH is this? … your “O” face? We’re still talking about an iPhone app … RIGHT?!? Whatever … we’ll let the viewing audience decide … make your final verdict by watching the Pocket Shots promo video below … RIGHT?!?
JeePee Madness – Experience Amsterdam For Free
Amsterdam … gotto love it! With a population of 1.36 million, Amsterdam is the capital and largest city of the Netherlands. Home of such attractions as the Van Gogh Museum, Anne Frank House, Hermitage and more. But we all know the real reason why tourists flock to Amsterdam … because Vegas just isn’t enough. Mix in a Red-Light District and hundreds of Coffee Shops that oddly, don’t sell coffee … the result can be summed up perfectly by this Amsterdam tourism slogan … “Good Girls Go To Heaven – Bad Girls Go To Amsterdam.”
And you know what else is cool about Amsterdam? … Guppies In The Dark. No, these guppies have nothing to do with wooden shoes, riding bikes, chasing windmills or other popular Amsterdam stereotypes. Guppies In The Dark are developers who are off to a good start, recently introducing their first iPhone app … JeePee.
Similar to the Raoul The Dancing Pancake app, JeePee seems to be concocted while in a drug induced state of mind. Makes perfect sense with the whole Amsterdam cannabis coffee shop thing. Ok, this one really requires a visual to fully appreciate … so we’ll shut up now, so you can push play.
See! Told you there were drugs involved! Freaky looking double-jointed white dude, dancing a freaky looking jig to some freaky music. Yes, JeePee totally works … uh, when you’re freaking HIGH!
To the app’s credit, the JeePee dude is programmed very well (come on, like the devs claim … it’s a “highly sophisticated piece of software”) and it won’t cost you a dime (no dime bag pun intended) … it’s free. But like the dark guppies state (just curious, WTH is a dark guppy?), JeePee is completely useless … unless, of course, you’re HIGH. But really … should an iPhone app originating from deep inside an Amsterdam coffee shop be any other way? So in this regard … JeePee is perfect!
Killa Kitties From Compton – Keepin’ It Real
(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)
Cats. They never get old. Silly kats are the memes that shall live on forever, without a doubt. And Killa Kitties From Compton [iTunes] by developer StarvingEyes, is a nice display of hysterical kats.
The game is composed of eight short and compelling mini-games that range from shaving a pussy to getting one wet (stop the madness – minds out of the gutter pleazzze). Oh, and the fun doesn’t stop there.
You’ve gotto do your best to keep these krazy kriminal kitties off the streets (I assume). But be quick, as these killa felines are krafty and will escape from every effort of trying to krack down on them (although you’d think with all the bling they wear, these kitties would be weighed down and slow, but totally not the case … damn fast kats … bling or no bling).
Now, the fun doesn’t stop at the gameplay. The presentation is freaking hysterical. From the clip that starts the series of mini-games (chanting … "Compton Kitties, Keeping It Real. You. Will. DIE!!”), to paws clapping as the words … "On To The Next Game" … pop up rhythmically, this game is krazy entertaining. And while I play most games without my headphones plugged in, this game has always got me going for the audio. I have a first-gen iTouch, by the way … no speakers … sucks for me.
Now Killa Kitties From Compton may not be for everyone … like if you hate fun, for example. Otherwise, you will laugh your ass off. This game continues to have me in stitches every time I play. For only 99 cents, check it fo sho … it’s PERFECT!
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