iPhone App Teaches How To Touch A Woman’s Body

BikiniBlast Similar to fart apps which began appearing back in December, the latest App Store rage are those Sexy Hot Chick Wallpaper apps. Trying to decide which babelicious wallpaper app to download is similar to making a selection from the 250 beers available at the Yard House restaurant … the possibilities are overwhelming –> blondes, brunettes, Japanese, American, Korean, Russian, bikini, lingerie, sexy cops, naughty nurses, horny maids, soccer sluts, MILF’s, spring break coeds … LOL – WTF people … step away from the Do Me Baby wallpaper apps and find yourself a real live Do Me Baby … trust us, it’s much better this way.

“But KRAPPS, I tried finding a real Do Me Baby … but I can’t. It’s much easier just to download them to my iPhone. I even tried those pickup line apps … they don’t work … no live Do Me Baby will do me.”

large_superbad Fear not you sack of suck … good news! We’ve discovered an training tool app which will help even the most pathetic dork find a living breathing Do Me Baby. Check it …
the Genie In A Bottle app.

Genie In A Bottle is not your typical tired, boring and useless hot babe app. Nope, it has a specific purpose … to transform sweaty palmed heavy breathing dirty creeps into polished and refined Casanovas. Yup … the Genie In a Bottle app will teach you how to touch a woman the right way!

GenieInABottleDesc

Wow … your own personal How To Touch A Woman coach! How can you resist such features: “Genie In A Bottle lets you touch the hottest babes” … “Rub these babes back and forth”. A simple concept – just rub on and touch these hotties as you please. If you caress them right, they express their satisfaction … if you stroke them wrong – DENIED!

Genie1 Genie4 Genie3

Genie5 Genie2 Genie6

So rejoice dork … there’s hope for you landing a Do Me Baby that actually has a pulse. Just keep stroking and rubbing your iPhone … eventually you’ll get the hang of it. And hey, if for whatever reason you’re still not having luck with the hunnies … well, at least you have your iPhone to fondle.

June 16, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Lifestyle | 20 Comments 

“Intercourse” Is A Bad Word

Confession … we have this fascination for menstrual calendar iPhone apps. Not so much the functionality of the application (tracking one’s cycle), but the naming of these things. We feel sorry for the poor bastard in charge of throwing down a creative menstrual calendar title … iFlow, AuntFlo, Ladies’ Day, Mensies and other brilliant naming conventions. So back in January, as a tribute to this sucky job, we wrote an article saluting Mr. Menstrual Calendar IntercoursePAfinal App Title Creator.

So our fascination continues and we always pay special attention to menstruation tracking apps … like the new Pregnancy Alarm app. While the title is a bore, Pregnancy Alarm contains some very controversial material within its description. The developers pushed the descriptive language too much and were slammed by Apple’s profanity filter. The offensive word? … (brace yourselves) … INTERCOURSE! Yes … INTERCOURSE … that nasty and vile word, commonly found in 7th grade health education text books introducing reproduction. But not in the App Store … there will be none of that sick and disgusting language. It’s better to have an endless stream of scantily clad girly images than this horrible horrible word … INTERCOURSE … blech!

PregnancyAlarmFinal11

As usual, we applaud Apple for such sound judgment and its attempts to protect customers from filth and smut. We can always count on Apple for saving our souls and leading us to the path of redemption – Hallelujah Apple! Remember folks, INTERCOURSE is repulsive.

And of course … being the “givers” we are at KRAPPS … we prepared a memo which iPhone application development companies can use to notify and warn their employees of this newly discovered policy from Apple …

INTERNAL MEMO – CONFIDENTIAL

Date:     (insert date here)
Subject: “Intercourse” Is A Bad Word

 

Attention (insert company name here) Employees!

 

While we are not in the business of creating menstruation tracking applications, KRAPPS.com pointed out a very interesting item. Intercourse is a BAD WORD and cannot be placed in the description of your application at all. Intercourse will show up as –> I********e.

 

So for all of our future apps, make sure we do not include the word "Intercourse". Other possibilities that might not be recommended for use include: "Contraceptive", "Conceive", "Inception", "Insert", "Tab A Slot B", any combination of the words "Fuzzy", "Taco", or "Beaver".

 

That being said, keep up the great work in describing our applications without using profanity or pornographic references. Thank you for your attention in this matter.

 

Regards,
(insert your name here)

June 15, 2009 | Filed Under Health, Lifestyle | 17 Comments 

Recap: Week Of June 8

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

June 8: That Itch Down There – an important message to all iPhone app developers

June 9: The Keynote Blows – We Have Real News – this sack of suck is flying our kite high

June 10: Apple’s Sexy Skin Policy Revealed – clothes? underwear? skin? we got answers!

June 11: We So Horny – Are You? – uh wait, don’t answer that – just read the article

June 12: Further Proof Of Apple’s Idiotic Approval Process – this rejection = pure stupidity

June 13: Wordulous – This Game is Anagrammatically Correct! – and a steal at only $0.99

June 14: 7th Grade Whiz Kid Releases iPhone Game – Pong – meet Jonah Grant

June 14, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

Wordulous – This Game is Anagrammatically Correct!

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

WordulousMascot Word games are very popular around my house.  Scrabble, Boggle, UpWords, you get the picture.  So, it should come as no surprise that I have a few word games on my iPhone as well.  The latest one that I have been playing is Wordulous [iTunes] by 99Games (they also created another fantastic word game, WordsWorth).

After being greeted by the game’s mascot, (she is the the very model of a spelling bee champion), the player can choose from three modes of operation: Practice, Examination and Challenge.

To get the hang of the game, it’s good to start out in the Practice mode: make as many words as you can from the six letters provided, no time limit.  Once you have identified at least five words, you can request that the board be cleared for six new letters to work with.  Additionally, if you can figure out the six letter word (and there is always at least one), you can choose to play the bonus game to answer a trivia question by re-arranging the letters of the answer.

Once you’ve got the basics down, it’s time for your Examination!  While the game play is the same as it was in practice, now you’re also racing to beat the clock and get the highest score possible in three minutes.  My best score is currently 6,784, but there are several scores over 25,000 on the all-time leader-board at the Wordulous web site. Depending on your score, the game’s mascot awards you a character ranking (like Magician, which is what I got for my 6,000+ score).

Wordulous1   Wordulous3

Wordulous4   Wordulous55

The Challenge mode allows you to match up against your friends from Facebook or your phone contact list.  I didn’t track down any of my contacts to play in this mode for the review, but it sounds intriguing enough that I will give it a try at some point.

The game has a few color settings available to customize the experience.  If you turn off music, you can listen to tunes from your iPod while you play.  You can also choose to play Anti-Krapps-Seal-v2GIF with seven letters which increases the number of words possible for each round (and  makes it that much harder to find the elusive word that utilizes all of the given letters).  Three different word lists are available as well: SOWPODS (267,000 British and American words), TWL (179,000 American words), ENABLE (173,000 North American words).

Wordulous is a 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified game which is both fun and challenging for wordsmiths and word wizards.  And, at 99 cents [iTunes], it’s also a steal of a deal.

June 13, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | 2 Comments 

Further Proof Of Apple’s Idiotic Approval Process

Yesterday we came across an article on TUAW regarding yet another rejected app. This latest decision by Apple is so completely idiotic, we just couldn’t resist honoring Apple’s stupidity and ignorance. The story goes like this …

AppleKickNuts Craig Robinson is a fairly normal dude … he’s left-handed, has a beard, loves baseball, drinks beer and is an iPod Touch user. Now Craig isn’t perfect, he does have his quirks … he’s a huge New York Yankee fan, collects stuck Tic Tacs and waits 15 months between haircuts. But for all his oddities, Craig didn’t deserve the two epic nut shots Apple delivered to his manhood.

You see Craig is an accomplished artist and has established a unique niche of creating Minipops … totally cool itsy bitsy teeny weenie pixilated renditions of famous people – celebrities, sports figures, politicians, musicians, etc … heck, he’s even got a cool one of Steve Jobs ( LOL, but no Bill Gates). Dude’s been MiniPopping (is that a word?) for the past ten years, so needless to say … he’s totally legit, has three published Minipops books and is a well respected individual in the art world … Craig Robinson does not suck.

Being the Apple fan boy, Craig thought it would be cool to create a Minipops app with his drinking buddy Matt. It would include every Minipop (1,000 of them) with a bit of witty text about each one (15,000 total words). Obviously not the standard KRAPPS, but a significantly large effort. (can you correctly identify the Minipop below? – answer at end of article)

GuessWho22

So great … the Minipops app was produced, submitted to Apple and promptly REJECTED.  Craig is an offensive bastard and his Minipops below were returned from Apple, who said: “ridicules public figures and is in violation of Section 3.3.12” …

ObamaRejectTextR111   ParisRejectTextREJECTED

Ok, so instead of debating Apple why the Obama family Minipop is suitable for an upcoming book about Michelle Obama, yet is offensive for the iPhone … Craig took the high road, eliminated all descriptions, resubmitted to Apple and was kicked in the balls a second time. Why? Because now Apple has a problem with the images seen below …

ObamaRejected111   ArnieRejected111

AlanisRejected111

zuneKRAPP So at this point, Craig is about to shove his iPod Touch up Apple’s “core” and buy a Zune. What on earth does this guy have to do to get his Minipop app approved … wake up Apple and realize there are perfectly acceptable artistic tributes to public figures with no malicious intent (ok, maybe a half pixel Alanis bush would be more appropriate than a full pixel bush … but then again, what’s half a pixel among friends? but it’s relevant bush per her Thank U music video). This is the same vague and inconsistent “3.3.12” krapp we wrote about in the NIN access, Poker vs Girls, Hot Dog Down A Hallway, iNewz Tech and iStrip articles. Yet Apple approves the Peep Show app and agrees it’s appropriate for 4th graders to watch strippers take off their clothes. We must have missed that day in Parenting Class.

Come on Apple! LET’S GO! Get you krapps together and stop screwing with the developer’s time, money and emotions. News flash oh shiny red fruit – don’t bite the hand that feeds you … without these third-party developers, the iPhone would be just another smartphone and a krappy one at that!

(answer – Ozzy Osbourne and family … although missing a headless bat)

June 12, 2009 | Filed Under News | 2 Comments 

We So Horny – Are You?

MeSoHornyJPG We’ve been meaning to write an iPhone pickup line article for some time now … because DAMN there are a lot of them! We’re talking like hundreds and hundreds – rapidly approaching Arctic Gerbil numbers. Seriously … WTF is this about? … we never received the memo that iPhone owners are a bunch of horny dorks who need all the hooking up help they can get. Hmmm … iPhone – Horny Dorks – Hooking Up … yeah, ok … when you break it down logically, guess horny dorks do need some help. Whatever, never got the memo.

So these hooking up apps … they come in all shapes and sizes: the Casanova Pickup Lines app … iPimpin Pickup Lines … Ultimate Pickup Lines … Awesome Pickup Lines … 1001 Best Pickup Lines … 400 Pickup Lines … Hillbilly Pickup Lines … and on and on. You get the idea … freaking LAME. Yeah dude, go ahead and score with these masterpieces …

“I’m not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock!”
“If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous!”
“Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?”
“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”

LOL … stop the madness … better yet, buy an app that REALLY works … buy Hornymeter!

Hornymeter is awesome and so simple to use: see a hottie … have hottie place finger on the Hornymeter … the app scans the hottie’s finger, performing complex calculations like Heart Rate, Heat Matrix and Pheromone Aura analyses …

HornyMeterAnalyze

… Hornymeter then displays a Horniness Score (not our words, it’s in the app description) with a wonderful and descriptive written summary for the hottie to read …

HM1 HM2

HM3 HM4

HM5 HM6

Four hard nipples … flying with your libido … fire hazard panties. See, we told you … this is classic stuff which guaranteed to get you rolling in the hay on any given night. However …  we think our Hornymeter has a bug and anxiously await the app’s next update. When our targeted hottie read her rating as … “If Hornyness Were A Crime, You’d Be On Death Row”… well, let’s just say our last words to her were … Ow My Balls!

June 11, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 8 Comments 

Apple’s Sexy Skin Policy Revealed

Today we salute Michael Burford of Headlight Software for his crowning achievement of figuring out WTF Apple is thinking. Yup … Michael is one of the few developers who actually made sense of Apple’s biggest joke … Section 3.3.12 of the iPhone SDK Agreement.

rejected33 For those of you not familiar with Section 3.3.12, it is Apple’s safeguard to reject apps which contain objectionable content. It reads, “Applications must not contain any obscene, pornographic, offensive, or defamatory content or materials of any kind (text, graphics, images, photographs, etc.)” … ok, fair enough … using common sense, these guidelines are reasonably clear and straightforward.

But Apple continues with a wildcard … “Applications must not contain other content or materials that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable by iPhone or iPod Touch users” … and thus the bullcrap begins = Apple’s Reasonable Judgment.

Mak6nikxprocess In reality, Apple’s reasonable judgment is similar to a 3-year old hopped up on a cotton candy sugar high. Completely out of control, shaking hysterically, bouncing off the ceiling and uttering pure nonsense. “Uh, uh, uh, shake a baby until it dies … APPROVED” – “Uh, uh, uh, kill puppies … APPROVED” – “Uh, uh, uh … flying hot dogs … DENIED”. Step away from the cotton candy Apple – your reasonable judgment objectionable! And that’s why Michael is so impressive … he actually made sense out of Apple’s hysteria.

You see Michael recently released the Poker vs Girls app [iTunes] … a very well made iPhone game of strip poker. Of course strip poker with no skin would be sacrilege. But with Apple hopped up on cotton candy … who knows if they think sexy skin is objectionable. Judging by the Hot Girls, Sexy Ladies Of SHOW, Peekababe and Sexy Girls apps (all in the Top 50 Paid Entertainment apps) – “Uh, uh, uh … sexy skin … APPROVED”. But no slam dunk for Michael’s Poker vs Girls … dude got bounced as Apple claimed some of the app’s sexy skin photographs were  objectionable …

PVG-acceptable-list11

pvg-rejected-photographs22

Huh? … approved pictures … rejected pictures … WTF? Like we said … Michael knows WTF as he reveals in this blog:

People Taking Off Clothes Or In Their Underwear Is OK,
But Pretending To Take Off Underwear Is Not OK.

Well Michael … congrats … you figured out the great Apple WTF mystery. Good luck on the upcoming male version of your app … Poker vs Boys … we look forward to your bulging crotch revelations and guidelines.

June 10, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 7 Comments 

« Previous Page — Next Page »