Fortunes In The Crapper

We have an idea … yes we do … it’s an iPhone app idea and just like the dude who made Sound Grenade, we figure we’d rack in a cool $100K for 30 minutes of work. Ha! We rock … tealeavessuck2 our app is better than your app!

So you guys are cool – we’ll let you in on our little secret … just promise not to go off and release it yourself … k?

There is this fortune telling method called tasseography … more commonly known as “reading tea leaves”. Yup, tea leaves can reveal all sorts of killer stuff … health, love, wealth, etc. Now take this reading tea leaves concept and transport it into iPhone World. But remember, in iPhone World, KRAPPS rock. So think farts, annoying sounds, boobs, vomit, strip apps, zits, boogers, bikinis, snot, etc. And of course the latest KRAPPS trend … POOP!

Oh yeah, we’re running with poop! Poop are the tea leaves of the iPhone World. Poop can reveal so much about your health and diet. Now we won’t go as far as saying poop can give insights about your love life, fame or fortune … but we’re going to market hard the whole health issue angle. Heck, everyone should be concerned with their health – that’s just a given. So our winning formula is … Poop + Health = $$$.

tales_from_the_crapperWEB Ok, now play along with our cr-app. Next time you take a dump, go ahead and wipe up, but DO NOT flush! Flushing is bad (even courtesy flushes) … we need to keep the butt nuts in the bowl. Now using our cr-app, choose the Color of your cigar fish: is it white, yellow, red, magenta, orange, brown, black, etc. Ok, once you selected your colon cobra’s color, choose its Shape: long, pebbles, rain cloud, bunny ears, beer can, etc. Now the last step … Frequency … how many times a day do you bake brownies: 1-2 times per day, 3 times, 4 times, 5+ times. Once you enter all this information into our cr-app, push the submit button and out comes your results (by the way, you can flush now).

Yes, we know … it sounds freaky and whack. But this is iPhone World, where the current flavor of the month is POOP (eww). Now to get away from the wasteland of stupidity in the Entertainment category, we’ll position ourselves in the legit Healthcare & Fitness group. We’ll give our cr-app credibility by writing a sensible, but  witty description like …

This is an educational tool that helps you consider your diet and health
from the perspective of what you leave behind in the bowl

Yeah baby! We kick ass! It’s all about the POOP these days in iPhone World. We’re gonna make a fortune by reading your crap. Booyah!

What the? Not cool! Piss off Quango with your iPoop healthcare and fitness application. Stealing our fecal fortune cr-app. Leave us alone and go service your big wig clients like Electronic Arts, Dell, Adidas and Sharp. Whatever … may the wrath of the Red-Rain Cloud- 5 Times A Day-Poop strike down upon you and spare no mercy. Blah!

iPoopDesc

iPoop1    iPoop2

May 14, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 12 Comments 

We Lost Our Penis

Hello there! We have a confession to make … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – yes ok – sorry, sorry about that – it won’t happen again – yes dear – yes, yes we are morons – sorry – our bad

losthisballs2 Ok, we were saying … we have a confession to make. You know the app we just covered, the one that turns your iPhone into a penis … well it’s our favorite app ever. Why? Well the reason is quite simple, we lost our penis … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – what? – you need some water? – ok, be right there – no problem – one water coming right up – yes!, yes we’ll hurry it up

So we lost our penis. Not really sure how it happened. Somewhere during the 7 years of our marriage, it just vanished into thin air … boom – gone! Really bizarre stuff. We used to … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – we took out the trash – and yes we fed the dog – yes we won’t forget to paint the house this weekend – understood, no watching TV until the house is completely painted – no problem dear – and yes, we know it’s your birthday is next week

naggingwife2 Anyways, we were saying … we used to vote Democrat – now we vote Republican. We used to golf on the weekend – now we paint the house. We used to pee standing up – now we sit down and close the lid. Like we said, it just happened – we lost our penis.

So now we find comfort in our iPhone penis app … it makes us happy. It reminds us of the good old days, when … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – we remembered to download the Period Tracker Companion For Men application – and we are so glad to have it on our iPhone as it’s a constant reminder or you – yes we love the fact that we can sync our iPhone to your Period Tracker app and always be aware of your upcoming period – we love being so in tune with you – why yes dear, we will check for your period every hour of every day – we agree, it’s a grand idea – how did we ever survive without the Period Tracker For Men – oh we can’t wait to use it – we can’t wait for your next period – yes dear, you are VERY important to us – yes dear, you are our #1 priority – yes we will be extra nice during your period – yes dear, we know it’s very hard to be a women and yes, we know it’s all our fault … (bitch)

What? no dear, we didn’t say anything … we just love you so much dear and we love our Period Tracker For Men … besides you, it’s the best thing that ever happened to us … ok, hold on, be right there for your nightly back rub. 

PeriodTrackerMenDescFINAL

Uhh, where were we … oh yeah, we were saying that our penis app makes us happy and reminds us of the good old days. We could fart out loud rather than pinching it off. We didn’t have to watch Beaches, Steel Magnolias or Mamma Mia! We did shots of Cuervo – now we sip flirtinis.

So yeah, not really sure what happened to our penis … could’ve sworn we had it 7 years ago when we married Miss right – guess we didn’t know her first name was Always.

May 13, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 16 Comments 

A Gizmodo Fantasy Comes True

Gizmodo wrote an article about a cool mobile phone application called TXT’N’WALK which enabled users to write text messages while walking (and of course, not run into stuff like  light poles, parked cars or whatever). Utilizing the phone’s built-in camera, the app allows the user to focus on the messaging screen but still see “through” the phone.

txtnwalk 

Well as noted by Gizmodo, the problem with the TXT’N’WALK application was that is was an April Fool’s gag – a total fake. Gizmodo was pissed because they thought such functionality would be awesome and felt they were being teased:

“Curse you April Fools, because I want this: TXT’N’WALK pipes in the forward-looking view of your phone’s camera in a little PIP window while you type out a message. Good idea!”

Well somebody wake up Gizmodo and tell them their iPhone fantasy has finally come true. Introducing the  Email ‘n Walk app from Phase2 Media. It’s very cool … it works … and for a very limited time and as of this writing, it’s FREE! Click here to download via iTunes – hurry!

EmailWalkDesc

EmailWalk1

(thanks to @CoryOBrien for the April Fools tip)

May 12, 2009 | Filed Under Utilities | 10 Comments 

Spock Is Craptastic

CopyCatJPG We find it hysterical when an app is released and then immediately there are a ton of “copy-apps” that attempt to jump on the bandwagon in efforts to cash-in on the original idea. Back in January, we covered the original iFart Mobile application, along with the 47 other copy-apps. Today there are approximately 400 fart related apps trying to emulate iFart Mobile’s success. Then in February we profiled the 50+ tic tac toe apps … really good stuff … Snowman Tic Tac Toe, Tom And Jerry Tic Tac Toe, Tic Tac MyToe, etc … yeah, big time yawners. Seems every original app idea is copied instantly … bikini girls, strip apps, dictionaries, pooping apps and the list goes on and on.

But sometimes, on rare occasion, the sequel is better than the original. Take for example the tired Rock Paper Scissors category filled with “same shiat, different day” selections. Or so we thought until we found these next two Rock Paper Scissors applications. Although they are completely strange and left-of-center, they have a certain weird and whack job appeal that intrigued us. It’s sort of like looking into the sun … you know you’re not supposed to do it … but damn it’s tempting (yes, A Bug’s Life reference).

We are huge fans of the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory. How can you not love it? … heck, just in tonight’s episode a Snuggie was gifted and tweeting bowel movements was mentioned – LOL. In a previous airing, the main characters put their geek spin on the classic rock paper scissors game, adding two additional variables … Rock, Paper, Scissors, LIZARD, SPOCK …

 

Figuring their Bling It app was not affording them early retirement, the devs at Momogeo jumped on the Bing Bang opportunity and created the Rock2Spock app. Trust us … in a category where the only difference between the assorted rock paper scissors apps is a slight app title variation (Rock Paper Scissor app … Rock-Paper-Scissor app …  Rock/Paper/Scissors app … Paper, Rock, Scissors app … etc) – Rock2Spock kicks major ass (even if it’s only geek ass).

Rock2SpockDesc

Rock2Spock1

Speaking of titles, this next app should be considered for purchase by its name alone …

Ben’s somewhat spiffy looking but ultimately craptastic rock-paper-scissors game

WTF is that?!? We did an article about obnoxiously long app names … but this Ben character forced us to make an exception to the rule. Spiffy Looking + Ultimately Craptastic = Brilliant! And we love the fact that these folks can laugh at themselves and be honest about yet another lame rock paper scissors app … “Three different play-modes (all of which feel exactly the same)” – “Rock, paper, scissors all in the same game!” – “Graphics!”

Ben

But hey … similar to Rock2Spock’s kick ass-ness … there is something kick ass (we like that phrase, can’t you tell) about a Monk who hurls insults at the user during gameplay. Plus check out the over-the-top, amped up on Red Bull and cotton candy, kick ass game trailer … all this theatrics for a rock paper scissors game. Love it!

 

May 12, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 12 Comments 

App That Turns Your iPhone Into A PENIS

super_piipii_brothers Last year, ThinkGeek.com introduced a new Japanese game for the Wii called Super Pii Pii Brothers. For $34.99, you receive the game disc, Wiimote Harness and the promise of an amazing virtual pee experience. Gameplay is simple and straightforward … strap on the belt harness, attach the Wiimote and use your body to control the never-ending stream of pee into a series of toilets. If you manage to pee in a toilet, your score increases .. . pee on the floor, your score decreases. And of course the game, is strongly marketed to women, indicating that Super Pii Pii Brothers allows the ladies to “experience for the first time the pleasure of urinating while standing.” Watch the demo video below for a visual example.

 

So what do you think of Super Pii Pii Brothers? Yeah … ewww, gross, LOL, freaks, etc. Well guess what … it’s a gag – a fake … an April Fool’s Day joke. ThinkGeek has been doing this every year since 2001 – click here to view their past April 1 gags.

Well it might be a gross, freaky, ewww joke at ThinkGeek … but come on, we’re talking about Apple. One of the most powerful, profitable, innovative and well respected companies in the world. So we’re sure it wouldn’t surprise you that Apple has approved an app which turns your iPhone into a PENIS. Not only does your iPhone become a PENIS … but it simulates peeing while you are drunk. Amazing use of technology. Simply put your iPhone in your crotch area and hold it like a PENIS. But please remember … this is a high quality, virtual reality application … so DO NOT utilize this app while sitting down! Stand up and hold your PENIS (errrr … iPhone), then pee away into the target toilet.

What? You think we’re kidding? You think we are making this stuff up? You think that if it doesn’t fly at ThinkGeek, it certainly shouldn’t be cool with Apple? Haaa … you are wrong … just look below at the Drunk Sniper app’s description.

DrunkSniperDescFinal

DrunkSniper1  DrunkSniper2

WTF?!?! Love how the dev scream in ALL CAPS … TURN YOUR IPHONE INTO MALE BODY ORGAN!!!” … LOL – what? Apple actually censored the word PENIS?!? Congrats Apple … you’ve come a long way, but man you’ve got some strange fetishes!

And of course, we must appeal to the ladies! Love the positioning on this. Like Drunk Sniper is the Dr. Phil of apps. It’s either beautiful sarcasm or someone’s shit don’t stink – LOL.

DrunkSniperDescLadies

May 11, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 44 Comments 

The Wall Street Journal Does KRAPPS

WSJKRAPPS You gotta love it when the grey suits, white shirts and red ties of The Wall Street Journal do a feature on krappy iPhone apps … or as they state … “Crap Apps”. Look at those WSJ folks … loosening their power ties, getting all silly and presenting their audience a hysterical, yet informative, video on the lighter side of iPhone apps (or as we like to brand it – KRAPPS). We think the best part was the fact that the words “iPhone’s Crap Apps” appeared on the home page of WSJ.com for most of May 8 … priceless!

Andy Jordan is a Technology Reporter at The Wall Street Journal. He has a regular segment called “Andy Jordan’s Tech Diary” which yesterday featured Crap Apps. For a highly entertaining look into the whacky world of KRAPPS, check out The Wall Street Journal’s video report below.

 

May 9, 2009 | Filed Under News | Leave a Comment 

Curious About SuicideGirls

wedgiepicker Let’s start backwards. So before anyone get’s their panties in a bundle … CALM DOWN and LISTEN UP … we are not here to pass judgment on the app mentioned in this article. Our point is to once again question Apple’s application approval process and their efforts to protect their brand integrity/reputation. Unlike the items in iTunes (music, video, etc.) … the App Store is a different beast (good point OMB) … the App Store contains Apple sponsored and endorsed products, thus Apple has a vested interest in these applications. Yeah, yeah, yeah (cool band) … you may argue that iPhone apps are NOT Apple products, rather the developers … but you’re wrong. So if you want to buy us a beer (we prefer Anchor Steam Porter), we can debate the issue some evening … but for now, let’s move on …

Vans One of the many benefits of the iPhone platform is the ability for companies to leverage the iPhone to extend their brand awareness. Think about it … for a rather small investment, a business can establish their virtual footprint in the App Store and begin branding and promotional efforts within a completely new channel. Savvy companies realize this … Vans International has the Vans SK8 Pool Service game … Zippo has their virtual lighter app … Oakley has a surf report app … even Tic Tac mints has a shake the mints app.

Well yesterday, another savvy corporate player entered the App Store … SuicideGirls with their Flip Strip app that basically resembles the iStrip Sexy Pen app … a virtual novelty pen where you tilt your iPhone, the girl loses her clothing and is left in her bra and panties. Ok, fair enough … been there, done that. But what we found curious was the last paragraph of the app’s description …

SuicideGirlsDescription

Zoli1  Zoli2

To paraphrase … even though Apple is cool with 13-year olds checking out our strip app, we at SuicideGirls.com are not cool with anyone under 18 visiting our site. Hmmm, curious. What exactly is SuicideGirls … it’s probably best if their site’s title tag did the talking …

Beautiful Naked Girls With Tattoos And Piercings

SuicideGirlsSite

Yup, basically a “lifestyle” site catering to the goth, indie and alternative … call it Playboy For Punks. Now SuicideGirls has an artsy erotica feel to it, so label it as soft or pinup nudes. Plus it has this online community thing going on (message boards, model journals, etc.), huge merchandising, charity work, etc. Big business stuff … like we said, kind of like Playboy Enterprises. Curious? – check Wikipedia.

Bottom line, we are talking about nude photos and Apple is endorsing and aligning with the matter (save it – buy us a beer). Sure the app does not contain any direct links to the SuicideGirls web site … but the url is blasted within the app and the app’s description for all to see, remember and directly input into their browsers (which is exactly the point of the app sexyjobsJPG … brand/url exposure, leading to referral traffic … sound business strategy by SuicideGirls).

Again, we will repeat ourselves to remove those panties in a bundle … we are not judging SuicideGirls (that is up to the individual reader). We are just curious about Apple’s decision to align their brand with an erotica site … because if we were Steve Jobs, we would  steer Apple clear of any nude photo related entity (no offense SuicideGirls – just a business decision). But then again, we are not Steve and if SuicideGirls floats his boat, so be it … just curious.

(Sexy Steve image via Gizmodo)

May 8, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 2 Comments 

« Previous Page — Next Page »