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Flying Feces Hits The App Store
The iPhone is truly a rocking portable gaming platform. About half of the eleven screens on our iPhone are filled with games. We love ‘em! However, looking at the top selling games, we are deeply disturbed … Skee-Ball, Fling!, Stick-Fu, Rock Band, Doodle Jump, Frogger, Pocket God, Backbreaker Football … what is this garbage? Seriously folks, what are you thinking? These are the top games? BLECH!
Like we said, it freaking saddens us to see such nonsense grabbing your hard earned dollar. We think the problem is that with over 100,000 apps, it is simply too cumbersome to find good apps … yet alone, good iPhone games. But no worries … it’s all good. Stick with KRAPPS as we take you to the end of the rainbow and deliver iPhone gaming gold. Today’s journey includes a couple of awesome games that can only be described as KRAPPilicious.
As a preamble to reviewing these two games, it’s important to get yourself in the right frame of mind. So clear your thoughts … relax – inhale – exhale – then scream –> SHIT!
Monkey Sheep Poop Fight by In Context, Inc.
Monkey Sheep Poop Fight is a lovely first-person shitter … errr … shooter game where the user selects their target (a monkey or a sheep) and pummels it with shit. The game is fairly basic with no real strategy involved … just throw shit at a sheep or monkey as fast as you can. The more you cover the monkey or sheep in shit, the higher you score. Pretty amazing shit! We found the best part of the game is the fact that the monkey and sheep move. These are no ordinary stationary targets like in Skee-Ball … boring. Nope, the addition of moving targets make Monkey Sheep Poop Fight freaking brilliant and certainly deserving to be a Top Paid App.
Furious George by McLean Consulting
You know that curiously loveable children’s book character … Curious George? Well guess what … he’s a pussy. Screw Curious George and while we’re at it … screw his creepy owner with the yellow hat. What you really need is Furious George … a caged ape who enjoys throwing his own shit at Homo sapiens. In Furious George, the game, this pissed-off primate slings shit at you like a fully automatic Uzi assault rifle. Your job is to avoid the George’s flying feces. If you dodge enough monkey manure, you’ll be awarded with rocks … which you can then use to throw back at this little bastard. Seriously, why the hell would we want to make some Doodle jump, when we can get into a flying fecal fight with a badass baboon?
LOL … see the shit you would’ve missed by not reading KRAPPS? Yeah, we know … what a bunch of BS!
Recap: Week Of October 26
We received well over 40 entries to the $25 iTunes gift card giveaway sponsored by DrinkTracker. Thank you for participating. The folks at Just Another iPhone Blog will randomly select the winning entry and we will announce the results via Twitter on Monday, November 2.
And In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
October 26: Los Angeles Baseball Fans Send Message To Yankees & Phillies With Their iPhones
October 26: Symmetrix Delivers The Obama Alien And Other Oddities
October 27: Feet – App Store’s Latest Fetish Finally Arrives
October 27: Getting Your Drunk Ass Home – DrinkTracker Receives An Update [$25 iTunes giveaway]
October 28: Prostitute Hunting With The iPhone – Craigs Ads Adult
October 28: Crazy Cool Halloween Costume Alternatives From MouthOff
October 29: Name That Ass With Mystery Butt
October 30: Man Taps iPhone 844,683 Times Proving Life Is Overrated
October 31: Coworkerisms – It’s KRAPPSpalooza In Here!
Coworkerisms – It’s KRAPPSpalooza In Here!
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
As anyone who has ever worked in an office knows, casual conversation with your coworkers can be problematic. Avoidance will likely get you labeled as anti-social, while saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time may earn you an even worse title: anti-employed! Television writers Jacob Lentz and Paul Koehorst recognized the need for a guidebook to help cubicle denizens navigate these potentially risky waters. Earlier this year, they published "There’s No I in Office" a compendium of 4,293 phrases which cover tons of everyday situations and even lots of things that are applicable to specific types of jobs. I recently took the book with me when I went on vacation and immediately found a goldmine of useful information. I picked up lots of great one liners to throw off in boring meetings and even some cool new phrases to use when arriving for work ("Welcome back, fellow travelers") and then when leaving at the end of the day ("Tonight, I will sleep the sleep of the just"). And if I ever take up a new career as a lumberjack or U.N. translator, I’ll be covered with such gems as "I love these plaid shirts" and "What’s your favorite foreign swear word?"
But, I know what you’re thinking. This is an iPhone app site, what are we doing talking about a book? Fear not, brave reader, for in addition to the printed offering, the authors have also released a companion iPhone application: Coworkerisms. The application features over 3,000 phrases from the book arranged by category. Or perhaps you’re feeling super-adventurous and will go for the random quote. Either way, now you’ve got lots of ammunition to fire back when the office’s chatty Cathy comes knocking. And with the iPhone app, you won’t have to write your faves in the palm of your hand, with a Sharpie pilfered from the office supply cabinet.
In addition to the extra thousand or so phrases, the book also features hilarious answers to some common questions you might get asked in the workplace. Each of the answers is pretty much guaranteed to stop the questioner in their tracks and allow you to slip away in the confusion that results. Each chapter of the book also ends with a page of Power Phrases, clever fill-in-the-blank sentences. Amazingly, the term KRAPPS fits well in every one! (the title of this post was one of them).
We haven’t used the term lately, but this book and the companion app are both definitely 100% anti-KRAPPS certified. Coworkerisms is $1.99 in the AppStore [iTunes] and "There’s No I in Office" lists for $11.95, available in your favorite bookstore or $9.56 at Amazon.
Man Taps iPhone 844,683 Times Proving Life Is Overrated
They say a picture is worth a thousand words … so we’ll shut up and show you a picture of the Million Tap Challenge app …
With this brilliant and enticing description, at 99 cents, the Million Tap Challenge is certainly a tempting buy. But wait … we have more thousand words pictures …
Yeah, we know what you’re thinking … stunning graphics, superb colors and clear instructions. And look closely at the screenshot on the left … nearly 18 million official taps worldwide (we’re sure this number would be doubled if they counted unofficial taps). That’s a shit load of taps … must be a popular app. So once again, certainly a tempting buy at 99 cents. But wait … we have yet another thousand words picture …
Ah yes … a global leaderboard … a feature found only in the finest of iPhone apps. And wow … look at #1 Dude – 844,683 taps (assuming these are official taps). And even a bigger WOW … #2 Dude is only 3,775 taps behind #1 Dude. Looks like we have ourselves one helluv a race to the millionth tap. Damn, screw the World Series … Million Tap Challenge where the real action and excitement is!
Now let’s assume a well trained iPhone tapper can sustain a 3 taps per second pace. So #1 Dude has accumulated 844,683 taps … equating to 281,561 seconds or 4,693 minutes or 78 hours or over 3 days of uninterrupted tapping. No sleep, no eat (unless you’re hooked up to an IV), no bowel movements, no bathing … zip, nada, zilch … nothing but tapping 24/7 for over 3 days. Same thought process at 2 taps per second equates to nearly 5 days, a typical work week.
So you got that – right? 3 to 5 days of nonstop tapping … errrr, reality check …
YOU ARE AN IDIOT!
WTF DUDE … GET A LIFE!
And here’s the best part and our last thousand words picture … seems Million Tap Challenge might have a bit of a bug. Looking at real live Million Tap Challenge reviews, some users are losing tens of thousands taps. LMAO … sorry bastards.
Finally, our apologies. We normally try to keep our articles below 500 words. With 5 “one thousand words pictures” alone, we are way above the 500 word count threshold. But don’t blame us. We have a perfectly legit excuse … training for the Million Word Challenge app.
Name That Ass With Mystery Butt
It all starts so innocently. Kissing leads to having babies. Smoking cigarettes leads to a heroin addiction. Stealing candy leads to armed robbery. It’s called the Gateway Theory … a fairly “mild” action may lead to a “stronger” one in the future.
While more commonly applied to drug use (Gateway Drug Theory), the Gateway Theory can also pertain to iPhone apps. Innocent fart apps started to appear in the App Store last December. 10 months later, we now have penis apps, strip club locator apps, tons of sexy hot bikini girrrl apps, foot fetish apps, erotic spanking apps and a whole lot more (just read the KRAPPS archive for plenty of other examples). Do fart apps lead to prostitute finder apps? Hmmm … better to be safe than sorry … so we’ll theorize, YES!
Since you now understand our fear of gateway apps, it should be no surprise how disturbing we find the new Mystery Butt app.
“How good are you at identifying animal butts?”… while this statement and application might seem innocent (albeit bizarre) on it’s own, we know damn well the serious damage and addiction it will cause. Using our Gateway App Theory, animal butts lead to scantly clad female butts and equally revealing male ass counterparts.
“How good are you at identifying celebrity butts?”
“How good are you at identifying MILF butts?”
“How good are you at identifying athlete butts?”
“How good are you at identifying Asian fever butts?”
See what we’re saying? Brace yourselves … Mystery Butt is a bad, bad, bad gateway app. First an innocent baboon butt, next a horrific g-stringed Oprah ass. Be safe – just say no!
So really, how good are you at identifying ass? Can you name ass A? B? C? D? Hint – they are all celebrities. Click here for full-size answer to Ass A (why yes – that is Steve Job’s ass in fishnets) … Click here for Ass B … Click here for Ass C … Click here for Ass D. Oh you know this will eventually become an app …. wait for it!
Crazy Cool Halloween Costume Alternatives From MouthOff
You poor iDork (term of endearment for individuals who are obsessed with the iPhone … like us) … Halloween is just three days away and you got nothing. No costume, no pumpkin, no love – nothing. Sure you could dress up as Dr. Richard Head or Nurse Connie Lingus … but come on, you’re an iDork … go large or go home! Plop down $1,000 … rig up a 42-inch LCD TV and be a giant working iPhone.
Now we understand if a grand is a bit steep … and if the cash doesn’t kill you, the weight of this puppy will. Each giant working iPhone weighs 85 pounds … not exactly mobile friendly. So you could be cardboard cutout iPhone dude. It’s cheap, lightweight …. but unfortunately looks like total crap.
So if you’re still in that Halloween costume rut, turn to ustwo … the developers of the MouthOff [iTunes] app. As the video below illustrates, these guys are completely insane … but there is a method to their madness. With the 99 cents MouthOff app and two rolls of toilet paper, you’ll be transformed into an uber-cool MouthOff Mummy.
Plus MouthOff includes a Hell-oween update which includes four new Halloween-themed mouths for your ghoulish delights.
Now if rain is in the forecast for your area on Halloween, obviously the toilet paper MouthOff Mummy will look crappier than cardboard cutout iPhone dude. But no fear … there’s a safe alternative that’s equally crazy cool … MouthOff Pumpkin-Head.
Prostitute Hunting With The iPhone – Craigs Ads Adult
We love Craigslist. Granted, it’s one helluv a fugly site, but this eyesore provides so much value and information that it’s worth the pain. Much more than a virtual garage sale, Craigslist viewers can find everything from housing to employment to rideshare opportunities … heck, you can even participate in a political or queer discussion forums.
And it’s not just online classified ads … Craigslist can be an awesome source of entertainment. Think about this … per Wired, Craigslist receives more traffic than either eBay or Amazon.com. All that traffic translates to plenty of freaks. All those freaks mean there’s some really weird shit being posted to Craigslist. Depending on your taste … weird shit can be very amusing. And instead of shunning these freaks, Craigslist applauds them by creating the Best-Of-Craigslist section. With listings such as … In A Well, Need Ladder – I Puked In Your Purse – Satanic Sexual Ritual – Free One Night Stand … Craigslist is a virtual Hall Of Fame for society’s misfits. Heck, there’s even (literally) some clown who will perform at funerals, surgeries, drug interventions and more. Dude calls himself Autopsy The Clown and reading his Craigslist “Clown For Hire” listing, this is one sick mofo.
But arguably, Craigslist’s best feature is the prostitute hunter … errr … personal listings. There you can find every flavor of adult activity … straight, gay, lesbian, emo, swingers, interracial, sadomasochism, one night stands, friends with benefits and plenty more. Just name any adult activity and chances are you’ll find it on Craigslist.
But since Craigslist is so fugly, it’s a royal pain in the ass (at least for us) to find that perfect prostitute … errr … adult companion. And that’s when the iPhone becomes your sinister friend … Craigs Ads Adult.
Ah yes, being a prostitute hunter …. errr … hopeless romantic has never been easier and more convenient than with the iPhone.
And listen, don’t blame us for using the term “prostitute hunter” … wasn’t our idea, rather real live Craigs Ads Adult user Jpseba coined the infamous term. “Adult” really does sound so sleazy … ewww!
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