We So Horny – Are You?

MeSoHornyJPG We’ve been meaning to write an iPhone pickup line article for some time now … because DAMN there are a lot of them! We’re talking like hundreds and hundreds – rapidly approaching Arctic Gerbil numbers. Seriously … WTF is this about? … we never received the memo that iPhone owners are a bunch of horny dorks who need all the hooking up help they can get. Hmmm … iPhone – Horny Dorks – Hooking Up … yeah, ok … when you break it down logically, guess horny dorks do need some help. Whatever, never got the memo.

So these hooking up apps … they come in all shapes and sizes: the Casanova Pickup Lines app … iPimpin Pickup Lines … Ultimate Pickup Lines … Awesome Pickup Lines … 1001 Best Pickup Lines … 400 Pickup Lines … Hillbilly Pickup Lines … and on and on. You get the idea … freaking LAME. Yeah dude, go ahead and score with these masterpieces …

“I’m not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock!”
“If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous!”
“Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?”
“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”

LOL … stop the madness … better yet, buy an app that REALLY works … buy Hornymeter!

Hornymeter is awesome and so simple to use: see a hottie … have hottie place finger on the Hornymeter … the app scans the hottie’s finger, performing complex calculations like Heart Rate, Heat Matrix and Pheromone Aura analyses …

HornyMeterAnalyze

… Hornymeter then displays a Horniness Score (not our words, it’s in the app description) with a wonderful and descriptive written summary for the hottie to read …

HM1 HM2

HM3 HM4

HM5 HM6

Four hard nipples … flying with your libido … fire hazard panties. See, we told you … this is classic stuff which guaranteed to get you rolling in the hay on any given night. However …  we think our Hornymeter has a bug and anxiously await the app’s next update. When our targeted hottie read her rating as … “If Hornyness Were A Crime, You’d Be On Death Row”… well, let’s just say our last words to her were … Ow My Balls!

June 11, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 8 Comments 

Apple’s Sexy Skin Policy Revealed

Today we salute Michael Burford of Headlight Software for his crowning achievement of figuring out WTF Apple is thinking. Yup … Michael is one of the few developers who actually made sense of Apple’s biggest joke … Section 3.3.12 of the iPhone SDK Agreement.

rejected33 For those of you not familiar with Section 3.3.12, it is Apple’s safeguard to reject apps which contain objectionable content. It reads, “Applications must not contain any obscene, pornographic, offensive, or defamatory content or materials of any kind (text, graphics, images, photographs, etc.)” … ok, fair enough … using common sense, these guidelines are reasonably clear and straightforward.

But Apple continues with a wildcard … “Applications must not contain other content or materials that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable by iPhone or iPod Touch users” … and thus the bullcrap begins = Apple’s Reasonable Judgment.

Mak6nikxprocess In reality, Apple’s reasonable judgment is similar to a 3-year old hopped up on a cotton candy sugar high. Completely out of control, shaking hysterically, bouncing off the ceiling and uttering pure nonsense. “Uh, uh, uh, shake a baby until it dies … APPROVED” – “Uh, uh, uh, kill puppies … APPROVED” – “Uh, uh, uh … flying hot dogs … DENIED”. Step away from the cotton candy Apple – your reasonable judgment objectionable! And that’s why Michael is so impressive … he actually made sense out of Apple’s hysteria.

You see Michael recently released the Poker vs Girls app [iTunes] … a very well made iPhone game of strip poker. Of course strip poker with no skin would be sacrilege. But with Apple hopped up on cotton candy … who knows if they think sexy skin is objectionable. Judging by the Hot Girls, Sexy Ladies Of SHOW, Peekababe and Sexy Girls apps (all in the Top 50 Paid Entertainment apps) – “Uh, uh, uh … sexy skin … APPROVED”. But no slam dunk for Michael’s Poker vs Girls … dude got bounced as Apple claimed some of the app’s sexy skin photographs were  objectionable …

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pvg-rejected-photographs22

Huh? … approved pictures … rejected pictures … WTF? Like we said … Michael knows WTF as he reveals in this blog:

People Taking Off Clothes Or In Their Underwear Is OK,
But Pretending To Take Off Underwear Is Not OK.

Well Michael … congrats … you figured out the great Apple WTF mystery. Good luck on the upcoming male version of your app … Poker vs Boys … we look forward to your bulging crotch revelations and guidelines.

June 10, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 7 Comments 

The Keynote Blows – We Have Real News

Ok, so yesterday Apple announced some really cool stuff in their 2009 WWDC Keynote …

WWDC2009Badge11 OS 3.0 will be released on June 17. The new iPhone 3GS will become available on June 19 at $199 (16GB) and $299 (32GB) … improved battery life, a 3MP camera with autofocus, video recording, voice commands, a digital compass, cut-copy-paste functionality and a whole lot more. Oh – and the new “S” in 3GS … it stands for sexy … meaning your iPhone will be twice as sexy. Kidding … S = Speed … 3GS is 2x faster than the iPhone 3G.

att-logoSUCKS11 Good times – yeah, whatever. Let’s get to the best part of the Keynote … AT&T SUCKS and KRAPPS on their iPhone customers! Basically AT&T is not ready to support MMS or Internet Tethering … and the announced prices are only for eligible customers. Great work AT&T – you guys rock! Visit 148apps for more details about the AT&T SUCKS issue … and be sure to check out Apple’s excellent Guided Tour video of the new 3GS.

But remember – this is KRAPPS and the beauty of KRAPPS is that we’re not iPhone Alley, 148apps, Just Another iPhone Blog or any one of those polished and professional iPhone news sites. We are freaks … so while the rest of the iPhone fan-boy blog world is getting all hot and bothered over Apple’s latest and greatest achievements… we skim that page and focus on the real news. So what’s making our kite fly high today? Well it’s the latest sack of suck we discovered –> the Bathroom Racer app!

BathroomRacerTitle

Damn straight … Bathroom Racer … the new iPhone racing game where you drive a PILE of POOP! Fastest time to the toilet wins. That’s what we’re talking about … POOP RACING … challenging courses with hills and jumps (hey, it’s not easy to control flying poop), five ridiculously thrilling levels of poop play and kindergarten-like graphics . Heck with Firemint and their Real Racing garbage … this is the real REAL RACING … this is POOP RACING. For a flavor of Poop Racing’s awesomeness, check out the amazing action-packed screen shots below:

BathroomRacerFly11  BathroomRacerHills11

BathroomRacerUpsideDown11  BathroomRacerStuck11

So to all you fan-boys … go ahead and keep blowing sunshine up Apple’s ass for their “fastest, most powerful iPhone yet”. We’re not buying into that nonsense! We’re buying Bathroom Racer for 99 cents and applauding developer Adam Flaherty for his groundbreaking achievement … the world’s first POOP RACING game … because here at KRAPPS, we realize POOP RACING is a privilege, not a right!

June 9, 2009 | Filed Under Games, News | Leave a Comment 

That Itch Down There

Ok, since many of you are pre-occupied with opening day at the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) … we’ll keep this one short and sweet … memo to developers –>

Choose Your Title Wisely!

VDSoccerTitle

VDRacingTitle

VDRacing11

And for some more Venereal Disease fun … check out this crazy War Department Training Film from the 1940s titled: All Aboard The USS VD …

 

June 8, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 12 Comments 

Recap: Week Of June 1

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

June 1: Touch My Crotch – hate to say it, there’s an app for that

June 2: Real Estate Agents Are Disturbing – the circus has arrived on your iPhone, EEK

June 3: Sexy Wash – More Dirt For Your iPhone – hot chicks clean your iPhone – SWEET

June 4: Tupac, Dead, Kick Ass, What App – random musings about iPhone app madness

June 5: iStoryTime – Barney Sucks, Fred The Fish Rules – and so do Weiner Dog Magnets

June 5: WorldMate Kicks KRAPPS In The Balls – this video is too funny!

June 6: Worst Boob Job On The iPhone – sorry folks, we had to go there

June 7, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

Worst Boob Job On The iPhone

(sorry folks – we had to go there)

BikiniWorldDesc As mentioned, we look at every new iPhone application that hits the App Store. Dang – kind of sad … that’s nearly 50,000 apps – man we need a life! Anyways, obviously there are a TON of those sleazy apps … which typically are male-orientated and feature scantily clad chicks with big boobies. Now for the most part … it is what it is … nothing to get your panties in a bundle about … basically Maxim meets the iPhone. But when we came across the new Bikini World app … we had to do a double-take and think …

“OH MY! – YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!”

BikiniWorld1

June 6, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 24 Comments 

WorldMate Kicks KRAPPS In The Balls

The WorldMate app was released on Wednesday. It’s a very cool travel itinerary application … and nothing even remotely close  to being labeled as KRAPPS. What’s even more awesome than the actual WorldMate application, is the accompanying promo video the company released for publicity purposes. Well the video is an absolute riot and right in our wheelhouse … nothing like giving those KRAPPS a good kick in the balls. Enjoy!

 

June 5, 2009 | Filed Under News, Travel | 6 Comments 

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