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Girls Blood & Dreams – App Descriptions Gone Wild


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Hello … we’re iDorks. Never heard of one? iDorks are individuals who are so obsessed with the iPhone, that they spend every waking moment doing something iPhone related. Surfing the App Store, playing with one of their 768 downloaded apps, reading iPhone focused web sites, visiting their local Apple Store for the umpteenth time, participating in iPhone discussion boards … iDorks live, breathe and eat iPhone.

jobs-plush-and-krapps Not only are we iDorks, but our behavior can be categorized as uber iDork. It’s getting so bad that we tossed away our teddy bear and now sleep with our Steve Jobs plush doll. For our birthday … iPhone cake please! And for casual reading … app descriptions and screenshots … the App Store is like our virtual magazine. Since we read our magazine daily, we come across many “interesting” items. Like the ones below … enjoy and here’s to hoping one day you’ll become an iDork too.

Cheerleaders – Sexy Dress Up 2 and Sexy Super Models

Cheerleaders-Title

Sexy-Super-Models-Title

Cheerleader Screen   Sexy Super Models Screen

STRONG! Hot chicks holding their naked breasts … that’ll get your attention. And since screenshots are viewable by everyone in the general public … these images are great for targeting 6 year old girls or 13 year old boys – exactly the kind of pictures parents want their young kids to see. But hey, as the saying goes … don’t judge a book by its cover. Reading the user reviews below, it seems Apple has a strict one “Sexy Girl Clutching Her Boobies” image per app policy … such a tease!

cheerleaders-comments-FINAL

28 Days After

28-Days-After-Title

28-Days-After-Screen

Hmmm … “a menstrual calendar for men” … Hmmm … key word = MENSTRUAL … Hmmm … key question = is that a drop of MENSTRUAL blood on the screenshot … Hmmm … key reaction = EWWW, GROSS!

iTextMe

iTextMe-itunes

Alrighty then … front and center, on display –> Nocturnal Emission and Masturbation. LOL, some things are best left private (and not to mention suitable for 9 year olds?!?) – but not in the App Store. “Sex Life” – “Wet Dreams” – “Masturbation” … it’s all good – bring it!

Hell Chicken – The Mother Of All Apps


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There are certain things in life that are so awesome, words simply cannot describe how amazing the experience really is. It’s one of those things where you gotta … “see it to believe it”. Take for example witnessing the birth of your child. Phenomenal stuff (although a bit bloody and gory) which words cannot describe. Or any one of those Seven Wonders of the Ancient World … the Great Pyramid of Giza, those Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Statue of Zeus at Olympia, the revolutionary iPhone … all jaw-dropping stuff that will leave you speechless and inspired.

jay-z-pdiddy-cannes-cristal-FINAL Same holds true with the App Store … there are certain apps that are so amazing, no review web site can properly convey their awesomeness. Music recognition app, Shazam, is like watching a spectacular magic show. Google Earth puts our planet in the palm of your hand. And dang that I Am T-Pain … an iPhone app which turns Ordinary “Coors Light drinking, crotch scratching” Joe into a Cristal champagne chugging, sexy hottie pimpin’ Hip-Hop artist … is simply a miracle.

But folks, we’re here to tell you something. Those apps which you think rock this world … the Shazams, Google Earths, I Am T-Pains or anything else you come up with … guess what … they all SUCK! Yup … all apps suck compared to this absolute dynamite of an app. This app will literally bring you to your knees … brace yourself … this app is Hell Chicken!

Hell-Chicken-FINAL

OMG!!! … GET OUT!!! … HELL CHICKEN!!! Keep reading, it get’s better. The description below should express just how incredible Hell Chicken really is … however just like the Great Pyramid of Giza … some things you just gotta see it to believe it. So do yourself a favor … spend 28 seconds watching the video presentation of Hell Chicken. It will bring you to tears, send chills down your spine, leave you astonished and make you understand why Hell Chicken is the Mother of all Apps (KRAPPS).

Hell-Chicken-Title

 

Root For The Financial Ruin Of America With The PUMA Index


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There’s no denying that the iPhone has quickly become the most successful and popular mobile device. With over 75,000 available applications (man that number just keep growing and growing), the iPhone is the reigning King of Smartphones. And despite countless difficulties and issues surrounding the publishing of apps within a system that is clearly broken, developers keep flocking to Apple for their chance at App Store success ($$$). Seems like everyone is becoming a developer these days and leaving their footprint in the App Store for the world to see. Heck, why not … the price of admission is only a hundred  bucks which secures an iPhone Developer License and a shot at making it big and rich.

Fake-Puma In addition to specialized developers and application publishers, the App Store is also attracting big businesses … the Fortune 500s of the world. Ralph Lauren’s app features a store locator, runway show videos, catalogs and more – Oakley published a surf report app – Red Bull and BMW have racing games – while Grolsch offers air hockey played on a beer bottle. As with most corporate entities, their efforts are fairly conservative and guarded. Air hockey, surf reports, runway videos, racing games … nice, but fairly flat and “in the box”. Well “in the box” went “out of the box” yesterday, when Puma entered the App Store with The PUMA Index.

The-Puma-Index-Title

LOL … good for you Puma! Mix in some sexiness to an otherwise dull and stuffy subject matter … the Dow Jones Index. Market goes up … everybody’s happy. Market tanks … everybody’s still happy courtesy of Puma Skin. This app is clearly a win-win for everyone.

Strange, while reviewing The PUMA Index, we were actually rooting for the market to crash. Hey, don’t hate us … just like the stereotype … we are healthy males, always ready for some skin, no matter what the cost. But sadly, the Dow did well and we were forced to watch a cheesy animation of some fully clothed handsome dude sweeping the floor and an equally dressed up hot chick blowing balloons (very random activities indeed). We decided to peek in on The PUMA Index during off (sleep) hours, thinking perhaps we could catch a glimpse of some sexy lingerie … no such luck, just animations of sleeping dude with a pillow over his face (we don’t think he was dead) and the hot chick tossing and turning as if she was having a really bad dream of the market crashing and thus forced to strip.

Puma-Index-Guy-1 Puma-Index-Guy-2 Puma-Index-Guy-3

Puma-Index-Girl-1 Puma-Index-Girl-2 Puma-Index-Girl-3

Well The PUMA Index certainly promises some fun and excitement … but so far it’s been a boring tease. We’ll continue to root for the financial ruin and devastation of America in hopes of seeing Puma’s animated strip show. Hmmm …wait a minute … could this be a conspiracy to turn all iPhone owners against the success of our Nation’s financial sector? Does The PUMA Index have something to do with colliding political agendas? Or what about our current recession – is Puma making some kind of a corporate statement? Maybe Puma is really Doctor Evil! Whatever. Screw the paranoia, let’s focus on sex. Memo to Victoria Secret … get off your boney size 2 asses and make The VICTORIA Index already!

Sexy Collides With Bizarre In The App Store


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Sex-And-Fury One of our “favorite” developers (well, besides Brighthouse Labs, responsible for spamming the App Store with well over 2,000 apps) is Korean-based MSHOT. These are the freaks responsible for the Office Girls and Pocket Girls apps … extremely bizarre sexy hot chick wallpaper apps. Office Girls seemingly sexploits MSHOT’s female employees, while Pocket Girls preys on unsuspecting young Korean girls. From Pocket Girls’ description – “your purchase of this application enables us to … recruit new Asian girls and persuade them into lingerie shots”. Really weird shit which reminds us of the sex slave  movie, Taken. Read our previous MSHOT article here.

Well the sexploitation at MSHOT continues to meet Apple’s approval with their latest three releases: Hot Office, Mesmerism and DVD Room.

Hot Office

Hot-Office-Title-FINAL

hotoffice2 hotoffice1 hotoffice4

Score! Two college coeds are recruited … snuck into a logistics center office … then some chatting took place (coercion?) … then a slimy photo shoot … and finally the girls were whisked away into the night. And bless those perverts at MSHOT for these high quality snapshots. Nothing turns us on more than hot chicks in a scummy roach infested room with titillating props such as stacks of cardboard boxes, rice cookers, electric fans and exposed water pipes. Oh baby … Papi likes!

Mesmerism

Mesmerism 

Mesmerism1 Mesmerism2 Mesmerism3

Hope you were paying close attention. Drop what you’re doing … quit your job … and become a hypnotist – NOW! And why not? Just look at those Mesmerism girls. Be a hypnotist, open a Mesmerism Center … and enjoy endless gawking sessions of chicks touching their breasts and who-haw. Hypnotist – a legal peeping tom.

(special note – at first Apple was cool with the notion of hypnotizing girls for devious sexual pleasures … but then a sudden moment of decency struck Cupertino … Mesmerism was pulled from the App Store)

DVD Room

DVD-Room-Title-FINAL

DVD Room 1 DVD Room 2 DVD Room 3

Ok, we’re out of here. We’ll be catching the first flight to Seoul and get us some of this Video Bang action. Romantically designed private rooms where you can rent and watch DVD’s on the spot. This is pure brilliance and something sadly missing here in the States. We could see Video Bangs setting up shop on Main Street in Disneyland … Aladdin, Little Mermaid and Cinderella are romantic movies which would be perfect for a Video Bang session. Uh what? MSHOT is not talking about romantic Disney movies? Krap we are naïve. We just thought since Apple censors the word “Intercourse”, surely “Bang” would not imply a dirty word. Damn we are stupid … and still wondering if patrons visit these Video Bangs alone, with a partner or the establishment provides “hostesses”. Maybe Apple knows.

Living Photo Delivers Bush, Gates And Big Pimp [Videos]


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We recently reviewed the Living Photo [iTunes] app … it makes your pictures come alive – blinking eyes, moving mouth, custom audio – stuff like that. Basically animated pictures …  the kind you see in horror flicks (those talking paintings spook us), but cooler cuz you create them. Our first Living Photo was inspired by Steve Jobs … he’s pictured with a hot chick and is basically falling in love with her. If you missed it, check it here.

So we’ve been viewing the tons of Living Photos on YouTube … and go figure … many of them totally rock. Below are a few examples of Living Photo we wanted to share (pay special attention to the  “spooning” reference at 23 sec. in Big Pimp’n Boston … LMAO).

 

Best App Name Ever!


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We know most of our US-based readers are busy with the Labor Day holiday, so we’ll keep this short and sweet. Heavily influenced by a combination of Family Guy and Ipecac - 
we present arguably the Best iPhone App Name Ever …

Barf-Puke-A-Thon-Title

Barf-Puke-A-Thon-Screen

Barf Puke-A-Thon (enough said)

And on a parting note, don’t miss the source of Barf Puke-A-Thon’s inspiration – LOL!

 

Recap: Week Of August 31


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iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

August 31: Getting My KRAPPS On – with PCSim

August 31: Before Those Puking Apps, There Is Get In My Belly

September 1: This Redneck Dating App Is Really "Bad"

September 2: This App Is Making The National Football League Its Bitch

September 3: Pamela Anderson Is A Man? This App Thinks So

September 4: Blank Check For Blank Minds (aka Dumb Asses Rejoice)

September 5: Urinals The Game – Krazy Kolossal Krapper Kaper!

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