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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
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- Slap A Sexy Belly, Make Music, Huh? – Belly Jam iPhone App [Video]
- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
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Dancing Pancakes – Further Proof The App Store Is On Drugs
Shhhh! Be very quiet … let’s listen in on a conversation over at HarryWorks – they develop high quality, life changing iPhone apps. We think they went to Stanford, they are mensas:
>> “Dude – I’m hungry”
>> “Cool – I’m wasted dude”
>> “Yeah dude, that’s why I’m hungry – I’m so wasted also”
>> “Dude – let’s get some grind”
>> “Dude – we have no dinero for food, Apple still hasn’t paid us”
>> “Paid us for what dude?”
>> “Dude – the app we sell in the App Store – I forget its name”
>> “We don’t have an app dude”
>> “We don’t?!? Dude – shut up – I thought we sell apps”
>> “No dude – we have no app, no dinero and no food – but we are wasted”
>> “Dude – let’s make an app right now”
>> “We’re wasted and hungry dude”
>> “Right on dude – it’ll be killer – let’s make an app when we’re wasted and hungry –
everyone will buy it”
>> “Ok dude – let’s make an app – got any ideas”
>> “Let’s make an app with a pancake dude – we’ll make the pancake do stuff like dance,
whistle and sing”
>> “Dude – you are out of your F’ing mind – that is some stupid shit”
>> “I know dude – I’m so hungry and wasted”
You think we’re kidding about this drug induced brainstorming session (we use the term “brain” loosely)? … uh, no … meet Raoul The Dancing Pancake
Seriously, WTF is this – Harold and Kumar Go To App Land? … “An app where you can mess with a pancake” … ????? … sorry bro, too freaking weird for us – we’d rather mess with Sexy Memory or the Tera Patrick apps. And don’t give us this krap … “we’re targeting the kid market” … seeing a pissed off pancake in a bed of flames is a sure fire way to jack up your children for the rest of their lives.
So we got a Bacon Man … and we got a Matzah Man … and now we have a Pancake Man who not only dances, whistles and sings … but has wild mood swings? Damn, who needs drugs when you have the App Store.
SEX-A-MA-PHONE – Change You Life With The 99 Cent Cojones Machine
(editor’s note: no … this is not a phone sex app … carry on)
Ok, let’s be honest … we could all use a little help meeting someone of the opposite sex. Well unless you are that 30-year-old, still living in your parents’ house, working 20 hours a week at Best Buy for minimum wage while your mom washes and folds your clothes. Heck, we understand your goals … being locked in your room, socializing with your online “friends” playing non-stop World of Warcraft … yeah baby, that’s nice! But for the rest of us, a little help in the Love and Sex department never hurts … right? Come on … be real!
Of course you could go take you chances with the loaded gun Russian Roulette method of eHarmony or Match.com. And one scary Russian deserves another … how about a Russian mail-order bride – yikes! Got ADD? – you’ll love meeting 25 potential partners in 25 seconds … do the Speed Dating thing and make your head bleed.
Look … back away from your Green Card seeking foreign BrideZilla. Help is just a touch away on your iPhone with the SEX-A-MA-PHONE app [iTunes]. Oh sure there are other “flirty hook-up” apps … but you’ll be cooler with SEX-A-MA-PHONE … it’s not just an app, it’s a social lubricant (we like that phrase). This sucker reeks of quality. Phenomenal graphics and this sci-fi time machine vibe going on – fancy gauges, mechanical switches, a glass chamber … even comes with a flux capacitor … hot chick’s love flux capacitors!
And SEX-A-MA-PHONE is so freaking easy to use … even WoW geeks could use it if they ever decide to crawl out of their bedrooms. Select the “Guy” or “Girl” option, blow into the mouthpiece … this will set the device in motion (which is a bitching sight unto itself) … ultimately spitting out a reading from the results wheel. With 128 unique results like … Shag-a-delic, McDreamy, Hot Tamale, Man Whore, Porn Star, Dr. Love, Wicked Hot, Ball Buster, Babe-o-licious, Really a dude, Goddess, etc. … you’ve broken the ice and opened the door for magical romance (or a drink poured on your head).
SEX-A-MA-PHONE comes with a killer hidden feature which enables you to guarantee a result. Say you want to meet this hottie – last thing you want is for hottie to get a “Warning: Causes Blue Balls!” reading. So on the main screen, before you select the “Guy” or “Girl” option, touch the valve on the far right side – the valve rotates 90 degrees and always produces a positive outcome. Want to screw with a friend? Touch the same valve twice quickly – the valve rotates 45 degrees and always produces a negative results. The valve resets to its default position once you go back to the main screen. Use this feature wisely … it’ll give you superhuman powers … don’t be a dick and abuse these powers, it gives us superhumans a bad rap.
So next time you dork-up trying to approach that hot chick or total stud, get the Cojones Machine –> SEX-A-MA-PHONE … guaranteed to give you the cojones to break the ice.
Fine … there are no guarantees in life (yeah, yeah – death and taxes – whatever) … but
SEX-A-MA-PHONE is the closest thing you’ll get to a guaranteed flirty ice-breaker social lubricant (either that or massive amounts of shits and giggles amongst your friends). Heck, if it worked for that poor old country bastard Clem and his mangy hairless dog,
SEX-A-MA-PHONE [iTunes] should be a slam dunk for the rest of you!
SEX-A-MA-PHONE … the 99 cent Cojones Machine
Redneck Roundup – Apps For The Less Intelligent
Rednecks … gotta love em! Thinking Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company and Genitalia is an Italian airline. Always talking about how 5th grade was the best six years of their life. Complaining that they can’t marry their sweetheart because there is a law against it. Still confused over the OJ Trial … no Neck, it was not a taste test between Sunkist and Minutemaid! Then there’s Redneck Kindergarten (keg stand training starts early) – Redneck Hot Tub – and the finest life has to offer, Redneck Mansion and Redneck Limousine.
Even Apple loves Rednecks. Heck, didn’t you know there’s a special edition Redneck 
iPhone … includes a genuine rubber band!
And of course there are plenty of apps catering to those mullet-wearing, tobacco-chewing, possum-eating folks we call Necks.
Did someone mention chewing tobacco? Of course! Chew is a staple in any Redneck’s diet and serves as an important source of Neck nutrition. So be healthy … grab a pinch and shove it between your cheek and gum. Yummy … the iDip app … but how come no iSpittoon?!? Where’s a Neck to spit – oh yeah, just swallow that delicious nutritious nicotine laced tobacco juice. Yummy!
It’s often said that pigs (not dogs) are a Redneck’s best friend. Makes sense … they look, smell and have the same intelligence level. So naturally there is a strong affinity between the two. And no surprise that the APiggyClock app is the #1 timepiece among Necks. You got your digital display right in the hog’s nostrils … plus the app doubles as a Redneck soundboard complete with chicken and pig noises. Freaking sweetness!
Ever notice that Rednecks are so busy … watching paint dry, taming stallions, drinking beer and practicing guitar. So you would think a cool productivity app like Evernote or To Do’s would come in handy. NOT! Why would a Neck want such garbage when they can download the Get ‘R Done app and organize their time. Plus this app is so sexy … just looking at the icon just makes me want to swallow some more tobacco juice. That girl is so yummy!
Now besides picking their guitar, Rednecks love other musical instruments. Beer cans, chain saws, crickets, police sirens … and don’t forget your armpit is a beautiful source of melodies … YEEHAW, the Armpit Fart app!
But by far the best Redneck musical instrument is The Mouse Organ. It’s a very simple app … even a pig … errr … Neck can use it. Four brown mice … squish the mice with your finger … hear them squeak and watch them die and bleed. Oh hells yeah, that’s music to any Redneck’s ears!
Recap: Week Of August 3
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
August 3: “How NOT To Sell Your App”, by Angry Jewish Men – why are they so angry?
August 4: Zombies vs Sheep – Serious Gaming Action, Not Just For Zombie Geeks
August 5: Attention Walmart Shoppers – This App’s For You – enjoying the Walmart lifestyle
August 6: Apple Approves The Asian Boobs App (not a typo), Yet Censors The Dictionary – blatant sex trumps reference book
August 7: Wax A Hairy Groin With This iPhone App – get your freak on with this app
August 8: Potheads Rejoice Over New iPhone App Icon – a skull banging video presentation (just watch it – only 10 seconds of your time)
–> Bonus Round – so last week our buddy @frankstendal played the Plus One game and pushed the button 10,000 times! dude is a freaking animal! well wouldn’t you know it, some uber animal appeared and literally one-upped Frank. check out @Alex_Ferrigno’s screen shot below … a total mad man pushing the button TEN THOUSAND & ONE times!
Potheads Rejoice Over New iPhone App Icon
Potheads everywhere are jumping for joy. With the new Psychoactive Drugs app, your iPhone can now proudly display your constant state of mind. Gotta represent bro!
Dude, do it … Download it for the icon … Dude, that would be so killer … [talking on the phone, bangs head with iPhone] … Dude, that was my skull! I’m so wasted!
Wax A Hairy Groin With This iPhone App (FREAK)
Can we ask you a couple of personal questions? We promise not to judge and will keep 
your responses confidential … seriously, cross our hearts and pinky swear.
> Do you secretly desire applying wax on a
man’s hairy groin area using only your
fingers?
> Does it turn you on to rip off the applied wax
and witness your victim scream in pain
while his hairless groin pulsates and turns
pink?
If you answered “Yes” to one or more of the above … FREAK! But hey, it’s all good … like we said, we won’t judge (FREAK). Rather, we’re here to help you (SICKO) by announcing the new ManWax app from RustyCroc … guaranteed to satisfy your ultimate (FREAK) male pubic hair waxing fetish.
Hmmm … now that we think about it, these rusty crocodiles might be onto something. Just think about the possibilities … BikiniWax, LandingStripWax, BrazilianWax, AppleWax (for the ultimate fan-boy/girl), etc. Hey, don’t laugh … if Apple approved the Asian Boobs app, surely they would accept a whole plethora of pubic hair removal apps. And with Apple’s ridonkulous approval process, we wouldn’t be surprised if RustyCroc’s secret “project seagull” is really the Brightsmiles For Bungholes app (ewww … come on – let’s go … it’s a fashion trend!).
Apple Approves The Asian Boobs App (not a typo), Yet Censors The Dictionary
Attention stand-up comedians … you all SUCK! Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Larry The Cable Guy, Dave Chappelle, Sarah Silverman, etc … it’s time to sit down, shut up and just go away. There’s a new King Of Comedy! And just like Madonna, Bono, Prince and Sting … this act is too huge for more than one name … this comedian is simply known as –> APPLE.
Now have you seen Apple’s latest routine? It’s epic – absolute pant pissing hysteria! Well 
either that or you’ll experience one of those “WTF Moments” in life. Follow along closely …
ACT 1
The other day, Apple made the wise decision to censor the dictionary. You know – that reference book which contains definitions … the same reference book found in elementary schools. Yeah, dictionaries are EVIL! They contain objectionable words like ass, screw and snatch. Not only did Apple censor the dictionary, they slapped that filthy reference book with a 17+ rating. So sucks for you 16-year-old … you will not be purchasing the Apple censored Ninjawords Dictionary app.
ACT 2
So the day after saving the world from the dictionary, Apple does a favor to mankind and approves the Asian Boobs app. No, that is not a typo … the name of the Asian boobs app is Asian Boobs. Guess Apple was tired of all those discreet app titles like Lingerie Fantasy Video, Baberoo Babes, Hot Girls and Peekababe … screw it, let’s just cut to the chase … BOOBS.
The King has spoken! So you better remember …
Dictionary = Evil
Boobs = Good
But we’re still confused about this Good vs Evil deal. Maybe Apple can help us out … we get that Boobs are good – but then why are Vagina and Penis evil? LOL … great comedy!
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