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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
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- Recap Week Of January 3
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A Talking Beer – Quickest Way To Jack Up Your Kid
The folks at Gigabyte Solutions love children. In fact, they love them so much that a portion of their software business is dedicated to children’s iPhone apps. Just like that oversized purple freak named Barney … Gigabyte has stumbled upon a winning formula of kiddy appeal … talking characters. Stuff like talking spiders, talking cows, talking apples, talking footballs, talking monkeys and more. When the user speaks, the app’s character mimics the voice with a moving mouth.
However, not everyone at Gigabyte is on board with the “kids rock” notion. It appears some mofo at the company actually despises children and managed to slip in a talking character that guarantees a lifelong disturbing effect on the child … meet the A Talking Beer app.
This bastard Gigabyte employee even went as far as encouraging parents to have the Talking Beer read bedtime stories to their child …
Sit me beside you when reading a bedtime story and watch your child’s face light up with joy that I am reading them a story.
WTF Gigabyte? – FAIL! Uh no, children are not enamored with talking beers … not to mention the fact that it’s kinda a bad idea to introduce alcohol as a form of entertainment to kids. Well unless you are a fan of jail. What’s next for the children Gigabyte? … Talking Cigarettes, Talking Hookers, Talking Condoms … all very age appropriate, don’t cha think?
Well, guess it could be worse. Gigabyte could team up with Autopsy The Clown and release a series of talking X-rated balloon characters … starting with Talking Humpity Hump Dogs. Oh that’s just SO wrong! <sorry>
AutoRingtone PRO – Because The Same Old Musical Ringtones Are So 2000-And-Late!
Look, we get it. Your phone is ringing. And you’re totally awesome because you have the latest from Beyonce as a custom ringtone. You and a million other Beyonce fans (including Kanye West). A custom ringtone isn’t custom if everyone else has it and you still have to remember which contact each song is associated with. Total hassle … why bother?
“Imma let you finish, but AutoRingtone is the best ringtone of all time!”
Enter AutoRingtone PRO [iTunes]. You type … the app talks … in over 20 voices! You can have unique spoken Caller ID for every single one of your contacts and choose from a wide variety of voices including UK, USA, Male, Female, Robot, Space Alien or even synthesized singing voices, like T-Pain AutoTune-style! You’ll be the only one with that ringtone, for shizzle, my nizzle!
Hmmm … custom user-generated ringtones? Uh, this could get crazy cool … everything from professional to hilariously obscene!
>> “Hey baby, your phone is ringing. Your lovely wife is calling”
>> “Imma let you finish but your phone is ringing. Your home girl, Taylor, is calling”
>> “Batman, your phone is ringing. Robin is calling”
>> “Hey Pimp Daddy, your phone is ringing. Your number one sweetie is calling”
See that … the possibilities are endless. And check it … no censorship. Just select one of the 20+ voices … enter your name, the caller’s name and your email address … hit the create button … then retrieve your personalized ringtone by visiting AutoRingtone.com. Your ringtone generates in the following format:
YOUR NAME, your phone is ringing
CALLER NAME is calling
YOUR NAME, please answer the phone
AutoRingtone PRO is even holding a contest for the funniest ringtones. Just send them (info@NoTieSoftware.com) the ringtone file you created and you can win prizes like iPhone cases, earbuds, headsets, chargers, and more.
And some info for you techie geeks … not only are ringtones provided in the iPhone format (.m4r), but also .aiff – so people who use other phones (there are other phones?) can convert them for their device. Very freaking sweet!
AutoRingtone PRO is unlimited. Meaning if you have 10 contacts – you pay one price. 100 contacts? 1,000? … still the same low price. But heads up … the AutoRingtone PRO edition, which has 20+ voices (and counting), will be going up in price after the first update which will allow completely custom messages. Think “freestyle” – it speaks whatever you type, so like … “Dude, warning! Your mother-in-law is calling. DO NOT ANSWER THE FREAKING PHONE!”. So jump on this 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified app at the current low price of $1.99 in the iTunes App Store.
New Booty Shaker Even More Offensive! Will The Wall Street Journal Notice?
A few months ago, we ran an article detailing the “Most Offensive App Ever”. This application was so distasteful that immediately upon release, the developer started receiving hate mail. Even The Wall Street Journal published an article publicly outing this vicious and disgusting app. What app? Nope … not Baby Shaker (although it does involve shaking) … rather Shake That Booty.
Pure filth! A cartoon butt that gyrates … sickening … makes us want to vomit!
Despite public outcry, apparently an illustrated wiggling ass was just too tame for Apple. So in efforts to raise the offensive bar even higher … Shake The Booty has been approved.
Think of Shake The Booty as Shake That Booty on steroids. You got a choice of 6 butts … these are real live butts … each butt comes with an owner … if selected, each owner introduces her butt before she shakes it. But Words Shmurds! Let’s watch a brief video of Shake The Booty, with an clear word of caution – the video below is EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE!
Yowza! Uh, this time we actually did vomit! Hello Courtney, Tiger and Dakota … you all are very bad bad girls! Da horror!
However in the meantime, if you are into this repulsive smut, you can visit Shake The Booty’s web site where you’ll find individual wallpapers of each butt owner, as well as a group butt owner shot. But hurry … who knows what will happen once The Wall Street Journal gets a hold of this one.
Sexulator – A Pro Athlete’s Best Friend [$20 Starbucks Giveaway]
($20 starbucks gift card giveaway – see end of article for details)
There are thousands of productivity and organizational apps available for the iPhone. You got note taking apps like Evernote, scheduling and calendar apps, shopping lists, to do lists, file sharing, reminder apps … heck, there’s even the 25h app that gives you an extra 60 minutes of life – turning your 24-hour day into 25.
With all this ingenuity, it should come as no surprise that a new sex utility app has found its way into the App Store … Sexulator [iTunes] from Coconut Island Apps.
The basic premise of Sexulator is to help track your sex life. The app launches with a calendar view of the current month where you can input your sexual activities, including notes about the deed. Upon adding your event, the day is tagged with a corresponding icon: Heart = straight up sex (assuming with or without a partner?) … “O” = oral sex … Lips = make out session (yeah, we also assumed this would be the oral sex indicator) … “M” = more than one partner at the same time (great feature for anal swingers … uh, that didn’t sound right … make that anal retentive swingers). And for those users who get a little too carried away, Sexulator gives the ability to input multiple events for the same day.
In addition to tracking your sexcapades, Sexulator features a calculator which conveniently displays your weekly, monthly or yearly averages … as well as a running total. You can also input a specific date range for activity averages. Based on these calculations, Sexulator labels you with a Sex Status descriptor. Since Nov. 1, KRAPPS has participated in 9 Sex Events, 6 Kiss, 5 Oral and 0 Multiple (we’re still striking out with anal retentive swingers) … all this data labels us as a Sex Pancake – Mrs. Butterworth gets more action than KRAPPS (but no fear, we’re working hard – no pun intended – to beef up our rating).
Now Sexulator is fine and dandy as-is … a more than capable bedroom utility app … but the real beauty is reading between Sexulator’s lines and getting creative with the app.
as a Sex Therapist
It’s a fact of life that most couples will go through some rough patches in the bedroom. Sexulator to the rescue! Using the calendar to enter their deeds, couples will naturally want to do “it” and input more, thus increasing their averages. Look at it as boinking with a goal … increase those averages and sex label ratings.
as a Sex Mediator
Sticking with the couples theme … men typically complain about not getting enough sex from their partner. With the tracking features of Sexulator, the app provides an unbiased ruling and sentence – “Oral sex average is disturbingly low. Please engage in more diver down activities.”
as a Professional Athlete’s Best Friend
Sick of those gold diggers hitting you with paternity lawsuits? Use Sexulator to track all the different women you’ve had sex with and on which days. Knowing the names and sex dates of your partners can predict conception date and save thousands of dollars in legal fees. A perfect app for the NBA.
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GIVEAWAY
In honor of Sexulator, we’re giving away coffee in form of a $20 sexy Starbucks gift card. Simply leave a comment below by Thu, Nov 12, 11:59pm PST and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win the $20 gift card … or you can opt for a DNA Paternity Test Kit if need be.
iPhone Visits The Wizard, Gets A Heart
We recently introduced the concept of Gateway Apps which is similar to the Gateway Theory … kissing leads to having babies – smoking cigarettes leads to a heroin addiction. In iPhone world, Gateway Apps are certain mild and innocent iPhone applications which may then lead to stronger and harsher ones in the future … Fart apps lead to Prostitute Finder apps … Mystery Butt (the “name that animal butt” iPhone game) leads to Name That Celebrity Butt, Athlete Butt, President’s Ass and more. Not all good!
So now we’re worried about our iPhone’s recent trip to Oz. It came back with a heart … a Beating Heart to be exact. Which can only mean one thing, coming soon … Flowing Bladder app – Pulsating Brain app – Contracting Uterus app – Birth Giving Vagina App. Hell, we can see every internal organ being realistically represented in an app solely for entertainment purposes.
Beating Heart app … a bad, bad, bad gateway app.
And be sure to check out the Beating Heart video to see what happens when you make a heart beat too fast. Think Baby Shaker app, but not as morbid …yet still a curious ending.
Recap: Week Of November 2
And In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
November 2: Flying Feces Hits The App Store
November 3: Ravensburger Lowers Ban Hammer On Apple For Trademark Infringement – Developers Beware!
November 4: Breasts Are Confusing – Bra Meter Can Help
November 4: Pro Surfing Wildcard – Realistic iPhone Surf Game, Except For Peeing In Your Wetsuit
November 5: One Dare, A Million Giraffes – Help Ola Kick Jorgen’s Ass
November 6: Pocket Devil – And You Thought Google Wave Was Confusing
November 7: Fish One, Fish Two, Fish Fun, Fish You!
Fish One, Fish Two, Fish Fun, Fish You!
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
First off, let me state that I am a big fan of 99 Games. Their games WordsWorth, Wordulous and Chess Elite have been favorably reviewed here (two of them by me; like I said, a fan). So, when I heard that they had a new game out called Fish Fun, I headed over to the App Store and snapped it up on the first day (OK, in the interest of disclosure, it was on sale for free that first day to celebrate their one year anniversary in the App Store). The App Store imagery depicts a big fish going after a smaller fish, so I was ready for some fast-swimming, fish-chomping action. The actual game is way more subdued than that, though it does still have some cool elements.
You start off playing either the Dude or Queen fish, using the accelerometer to move around, avoiding the bigger fish and going after the smaller ones. There is an option to tap on the edges of the screen instead of the tilt-to-move, but I found it extremely hard to maneuver in that mode. Since the screen is oriented as a side view, I started playing with the phone oriented like I was looking into an aquarium. I noticed that the game info mentioned that it is better to hold the phone parallel to the floor; this felt awkward at first, but it is definitely easier to score that way.
There are four power ups that enhance the game play (you start with two of them and earn the other two along the way). Speed and Scramble are available at the start of the game. With Speed, your fish moves twice as fast for a limited amount of time and with Scramble, all of the other fish move out of the way for a moment. Each is a single use to be repowered at certain point levels.
Three mini games are included for quick fun. Tap, Gulp and Loop can be accessed from the main menu and are also interspersed as bonus rounds in regular play. The most challenging one of these, Loop, is also the one I found the most fun: draw a loop around as many similar sea creatures as possible while avoiding the others.
Kids will probably find this game highly enjoyable (especially while they search for the ever popular Clown Fish to gobble up). It takes very good hand-eye coordination to achieve the higher scores, which will unlock more fish and more types of power ups. There is an Aqua Mode that makes the display look more like water. A cool feature indeed, but on a 3G device it slows the frame rate way down.
The developers have also included a Challenge mode to allow you to play against friends on Facebook and others in your contacts list. Online leaderboards let you compare your scores against the Fish Fun elite! At 99 cents [iTunes], the game is attractively priced.
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