Nine bucks buys you the Hair Clinic app. Simply hold the iPhone to your head for 10 minutes a day and the app delivers healthy and abundant hair. [BULLSHIT]
Think you could stand to lose a few pounds? Become a lean, mean, loving machine with the FatBurner2K app. Just stick the iPhone on your belly and it will literally shake away your fat molecules resulting in weight loss. [BULLSHIT]
The Less Cigarette app will magically change the flavor of your cigarette so it tastes like ass and help you quite smoking. [BULLSHIT] Thirteen bucks will heal your wart using the Wart Healer app … notice we said wart, as in one wart … additional wart healings can be purchased for $13 each via in-app purchase. [BULLSHIT]
And for the latest and greatest achievement … the iPhone can now fix ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION with the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app …
Yes sir – you heard it right … the iPhone now has the ability to deliver a healthy hard on … and it doesn’t even require the new iOS4. Per the app’s description …
Just listen to the audio for 6 minutes everyday, and after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced for more than 85%! The effect is close to taking a viagra!
Sound waves baby – it’s all about sound waves … (6 minutes a day) x (20 days) = 85% increased enhancement … hmmm, not a bad ROI indeed. LMAO … gotta love the outrageous claim –> The Effect Is Close To Taking A VIAGRA! Good thing Apple employees sat around with woodies as they tested and approved Fire Up Your Sex Drive.
You might think the sound wave thing is all nonsense … but how can you doubt the validity of the developer’s claim with this sound explanation …
This application makes a kind of high frequency alpha wave to synchronize with your brain wave. It could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone. This is a very healthy way without any side effect and you will not need the pills to destroy your body any more!
And if you’re still not convinced … Fire Up Your Sex Drive was tested on a large number of male users … the results were conclusive …
About 580 men have tried this application, and the effective percentage is even more than 77%
So next time you are experiencing a sad penis … just remember … iPhone – The Quicker Pecker Upper. [BULLSHIT]
We’ve been over this before … the App Store is getting saturated with hundreds of sex positions applications. With selections like Mythical Sex Positions, Lesbian Kama Sutra and Sex During Pregnancy … there’s a sex position application to satisfy everyone’s curiosity and then some. Are you a circus acrobat or gymnast – check out eXtreme Sex Positions. Frequently confused during threesome sex – let 69 Positions be your threeway guide.
But unfortunately there is a severe flaw with every sex position app available for download …they all involve sex in the bedroom. With today’s active, busy and on-the-go lifestyles, no one has time for bedroom sex … not to mention mattress moves are boring. Give the people what they really need … it’s all about efficiency – multi-tasking when making love. Like having sex while flying a helicopter … efficient and not boring at all.
If this sexual philosophy sounds all good, you’ll be thrilled to know that Apple has just approved Action Sex Positions …
Action Sex Positions is the only application available which gives detailed instructions for having sex in a flying helicopter, on a moving racing boat or while driving a motorcycle.
Each position is presented with the selected vehicle in full animation and includes realistic sound effects. The swooshing of helicopter blades or the revving of motorcycle engines makes Action Sex Positions an engaging interactive experience.
Also included is an explicit step-by-step guide for accomplishing each “action position” and its male and female “benefits” … mattress moves be gone!
But some words of advice, which can save a life …. maybe even your own … take Oprah’s No Phone Zone pledge:
I pledge to make my action sex a No Phone Zone activity.
Beginning right now, I will not text or use my phone while I am driving and having sex.
If I need to use my phone, I will pull out and pull over to a secure location.
A couple of “banned” iPhone 4 / iPad promos are circulating the Internet … dry humor at its best – funnier than a fart in a space suit. We love the 2nd Camera Senior Vice President and a few of our favorite lines include …
”It’s going to change the way we think about phone sex”
”We invented a new metal”
”The best way to reinvent a product is to add a second camera”
”The camera didn’t fit”
”You can’t take photos with the iPad, but you can view and share the shit out of them”
A Brief Guide To Boogers
After reading this infographic, we realize we’ve taken boogers for granted. Not just simply an object for flinging … boogers are indeed fascinating. LOL … too much information!
Oh noes! The rich and famous have been afflicted with a strange virus, turning them into caricatures from famous horror and action movies. It’s up to you and your crackerjack team of healthcare professionals to render treatment and turn these Hollywood Horrors back into Hollywood Hotties in Hollywood Hospital for iPhone [iTunes $0.99]. And, if you’re good enough, you’ll bank some cash along the way.
Released last month by Spacehopper Studios and Zed Worldwide, S.A., this unique time management game incorporates several mini-games into the flow which keeps the action hopping as you juggle multiple patients who expect the best treatment without delay. In fact, they have no problem storming out if you’re taking too long attending to their needs.
Each of the dozen or so characters has a hilarious malady which corresponds to a particular Hollywood feature. In the first rounds, there’s a Gorgon who needs her serpentine hair trimmed before her closeup, Rambone, who needs a few stitches and the Zombie chick who just needs a slap of reality to fix her brain-eating ways.
At each level, you are given the opportunity to spend some money and upgrade various elements, like adding an extra doctor or putting in cushier waiting room chairs. Each improvement allows you to treat more patients more quickly and earn even more cash on the next level. I found each upgrade to be quite the return on investment.
As you clear through stages, additional wings are added to your hospital facility, giving you the ability to treat more varied conditions. Keep an eager eye out for the paparazzi, though. They’d like nothing better than to catch a star in an unflattering light. Keep them away and you’ll earn some extra points with your patients.
One unique aspect of the game is the ability to "chain" actions. So, once you learn the routine that each patient follows, you can quickly set up each of their stops, freeing you to keep tabs on the whole operation and the mini-games vs. micro-managing each little step.
Currently on sale for 99 cents [iTunes], this game has plenty of entertainment value even at its regular price of $1.99.
Happy Friday! To celebrate the end of the work week, let’s break away from our traditional review of iPhone krapp and start the weekend off on a positive note. This next app is do good, feel good and all good … it’s a fantastic example of how iPhone technology can increase quality of life and make a positive impact on its users.
The AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard [iTunes $0.99 for a limited time] is an augmentative and alternative communication application. Know as AAC, Wikipedia defines it as “communication for those with impairments or restrictions on the production or comprehension of spoken or written language.” AAC is technology at its finest … opening doors and lifting the spirits of non-verbal individuals.
Typically AAC devices cost hundreds of dollar … so at a mere 99 cents, the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is a ridiculous bargain and no wonder the #2 paid Medical application. And it gets better … the app is universal meaning it will run full-featured on the iPhone, iPod Touch AND the iPad … WOOT!
Upon launching the app, the user is presented with 16 sideways scrollable (is that a word – is now) rows of picture buttons categorized by topic (medical, food, emotions, simple phrases, etc.) … resulting in hundreds of built-in audible phrases. The first row is for custom recordings … enabling the individual to program whatever they like. AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is well thought out and developer No Tie Software did a great job organizing the categories and identifying the most common phrases used on a daily basis for quick and convenient play.
Although released less than a week ago, No Tie Software has already updated the app with landscape support, choice of big or small buttons, premium and standard voice options, custom wallpaper and more. No Tie Software is no stranger to customer service … we featured them back in May 2009, highlighting their over-the-top customer support. So rest assured, this is not some fly by night developer … No Tie Software will continue to enhance the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard based on customer feedback.
Using the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is extremely easy. There are three ways to speak via the app … 1) choose from the hundreds of built-in phrases in 16 categories … 2) program the top row of ten buttons to speak any custom message (your name, address, “Go Lakers”, etc.) … 3) type any message and have it spoken using text-to-speech technology.
Uh yeah, we know what your thinking … this app could be quite entertaining for non-medical purposes. See a hot chick at a bar – use the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard to deliver a clever pickup line in a very original manner (thanks No Tie Software – you guys got us laid). Frequent places where foul language is frowned upon – let the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard do the cussing for you. The possibilities are endless.
But all shitting aside, the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard [iTunes $0.99] is indeed an all good app … a beautiful technology enriching the lives of non-verbal individuals and their caretakers. Just read the user review below from a special education teacher who works with non-verbal autistic children … now this is what the revolutionary iPhone is really about!
All right, let’s get right to the point … being constipated sucks! You feel bloated, heavy, sluggish and generally uncomfortable. Hell, even worse, constipation can lead to hemorrhoids and a hernia – this is not all good!
So to promote regular bowel movements and maintaining your health, the brilliant minds at Thats A Girls Name Solutions (TAGn Solutions) have released the first iLaxitive …
Help Me Poop.
Apparently research has shown that falling, crashing, splattering and plunking sounds loosen your stool and help you drop the kids off at the pool. Not really sure how we missed this nugget of wisdom, but it’s nice to know that Apple has our back with the approval of Help Me Poop. And at only 99 cents, think of all the money you’ll save by not having to buy prune juice, fiber or ex-lax … money that can be put towards the purchase of the iPhone 4.
So while your getting all excited about the aforementioned new iPhone … think about and be grateful for the iPhone’s crowning achievement – a healthy and happy ass!