-
-
-
-
Search
SUBSCRIBE
-
Recently Written
- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
- Wii iPhone 4 iOS Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Slap A Sexy Belly, Make Music, Huh? – Belly Jam iPhone App [Video]
- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
-
Categories
-
Archives
- August 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
-
Dirty Little Secret
BeamItDown Software is an iPhone book developer with a unique way of presenting written material. Typically when reading an iBook, the reader swipes through pages resulting in disrupted concentration. BeamItDown Software’s iFlow technology (no, not a urine app) solves this problem. Instead of paging, the iFlow Reader scrolls the text, similar to a teleprompter. The reader has the ability to control scrolling speed, font type, font color, font size and background screen color. Pretty nifty stuff and available on each of their 55 iBook offerings. BeamItDown covers all the literary classics – from Leo Tolstoy to Sherlock Holmes … The Art Of War to Pride And Prejudice … Bible Stories to The Book Of Mormon.
Great selections – fair prices – quality technology … so basically BeamItDown Software is your model iPhone developer citizen. Or so we thought until we uncovered BeamItDown’s latest offering … iMassage. Interesting book title … an iBook on massage and physical therapy techniques … or so we thought! Nope, the only thing iMassage has in common with the written craft is the Amazing Touch massage advertisements you see in your local newspaper’s sports section … Free Table Shower – Cute Young Staff – Hot Oil – Cozy Private Rooms – $50 Per Hour.
Launching iMassage (nice app icon by the way – LOL), you are presented a choice of six “providers”. Push the Start My Massage button and iMassage begins to play in-app music and instructs Place iPhone On Area To Be Massaged.
To finish your massage, push the Stop button and a screen filled with happy faces appears accompanied with laughing sound effects. We guess this is the HAPPY ENDING as the developer suggests to “continue <your massage> until your “HAPPY ENDING” appears.
Wow … ok … “HAPPY ENDING” … good stuff for all the 9-year olds (or even younger) who have access to the App Store. We can just hear the conversation now … “Mommy – the new iMassage app says it gives a “HAPPY ENDING” – what’s a “HAPPY ENDING”?”
So there you have it … the iMassage app, with its “HAPPY ENDING” … BeamItDown Sortware’s and Apple’s DIRTY LITTLE SECRET (wondering how Apple got through the Baby Shaker incident smiling? now you know – LOL).
Super Pooper
We have a request … next time you drop the kids off at the pool, we’d like you to humor us in a little activity that follows:
Take a dump –> Look between your legs –> look at your poop, make a sketch of it –> now write down your poop’s consistency and how it smells –> finally, for tracking purposes, note current date, time and place.
Now repeat this process for a week … and voila … you made a poop journal (or for you artsy fartsy … a Poop Moleskin)! How freaking cool is that!?! What? What did you say? We are weird? … no, YOU’RE weird! .. What? … no – NO – YOU’RE WEIRD! … NO, YOU’RE WEIRD! whatever … SHUT UP .. you’re the one that’s WEIRD – WEIRD … ha! … weird! … blah!
Anyways, we think the folks at SWS Digital would agree with us … if you don’t like documenting the details of your defecation … well then … you’re the one that’s weird. And that’s why SWS Digital created the POOP THE WORLD app … so us normal turd tracking folks can conduct our business (no pun intended) on the iPhone. But this ain’t no ordinary poop journal … Apple only approves the ultimate in tootsie roll tracking. Let’s take a tour:
Generate Poop:
Choose from 20 different dookie-types which best represent the look of your crapola (ex = Gorillas In The Mist, Ring Of Fire, Trail Mix, etc.) … Select from 21 fragrances which best describe the smell of your sea pickle (ex = Fish & Otter Waste, Fungus and Moss, Grandma’s Fur Coat, etc.) … Then hit the Flush button to enter your do-do data.
My Poop Stats:
Track your personal poopie stats like total number of toilet twinkies taken, tonnage of waste generated and miles of toilet paper consumed. Share details of your last lumber by email.
Poop Places:
Leveraging the iPhone’s GPS technology, you can keep track of your load’s location history or use the real-time Global Poop Map & Leader Board to view other users marking their territory around the world (how’s that for social media!).
Trophy Room:
A colon cobra competition where you have the chance to collect four trophies … satisfies even the most competitive chocolate soldier.
So there you have it … Apple’s gift to baked brownie aficionados … POOP THE WORLD. Call it what you want …pinch a loaf, ride the porcelain pony, drop a brick, feed the goldfish, launch a log, plant potatoes or leave a deposit … we call it like we see it – and we see POOP THE WORLD as the ultimate –> SUPER POOPER. (you’re weird … ha!)
Porn, MILF, Sex On The Beach, Wet T-Shirts, Teens
Ask any iPhone app developer and they will tell you that you really need to be careful with your application’s description when submitting to Apple for approval. Obviously no cuss words allowed, nothing graphic and just to be safe, tone down the humor. But as we noted in our Sexy Spinna article, sometimes the App Approval Department falls asleep at the wheel … LOL … by the way, did you know that the iNap@Work app is the Official Application of Apple’s App Approval Department … but we digress.
Ok, so get a load of this next one … sounds like a description from a certain movie genre and not something Apple would want to align with their brand/identity. With key words like … Drunk, Sex On the Beach, Wet T-Shirt Contests, Dead Brain Cells, Bikinis Removed, Going Topless, Nude Beaches, All Natural Teen Fun, College Teen Hotties, MILF Next Door and Porn … the Coed Spring Break app from McApps is a SEO’s fantasy come true.
LOL … WOW … those boys at McApps certainly know how to bring it! Classic stuff …
Got drunk, had sex on the beach
Going topless was celebrated
Nothing but all amateur, all natural teen fun
All original content … just college teen hotties
Close to porn as you can get on the app store
Whoa McApps … slow down there horn-dog … you’re going put Grampee KRAPPS into cardiac arrest with all this hot and bothered talk. But here’s the best part. Freaking McApps getting cocky and shit with their sexy Coed Spring Break … we love this trash-talking line:
Don’t Settle For Bikini Blast And Other Pansy Girly Apps
LOL @ McApps. WTF bro? You made a freaking iPhone app! You ain’t no heavyweight champion or something. Chill … freaking geeks, all nutted up on roids, mad-dogging other iPhone apps. LOL. It’s ok McApps … breathe deeply bro!
And come on … if you’re going to use a sexed-up term, use the damn thing correctly:
Just Exotic, Coed, College Teen Hotties Like The MILF Next Door
Dude, are you talking about? “College Teen Hotties Like The MILF Next Door”? Come on McApps … we bet our ass you never got laid on a Mexican beach like you claim. Broseph … teen hotties are NOT like MILFs. Actually, they have NOTHING to do with MILFs – unless, of course, they’re teens with kids – uhh, but let’s not go there. And get this, dudes that are into MILFs are typically NOT into teen hotties. Overall this is just bad/inaccurate sex marketing … and frankly, we’re a bit offended by this misuse of terminology. But no … it’s not McApp’s fault – and certainly this is not Apple’s fault. But who KRAPPS? Who is to blame? Ahhhh, iNap@Work strikes again … two victims this time – Apple and McApps … LOL!
The Real Reason Baby Shaker Was Approved
SHHHH! Be quite – we’re at work, taking a nap. Ahhh, it’s so nice, going to our job and catching solid ZZZ’s for a good 3 to 4 hours. Yeah baby … Slacker Nation! We’ve been sleeping at work for 11 years now, perfecting our talent and becoming quite the experts.
In our rookie years, we used the basic “Hide And Sleep” method … simple, yet effective.
Next we shifted to the “Shave And Sleep” method. A bit expensive getting the proper cut and forces us to wear a hat most of the time – but hey, our head made for good party talk.
Our latest craft (we call it a craft because sleeping at work is an art) is the “Stick And Sleep” method … freaking awesome eyelid stickers called Sleep Safe Tape – they rock!
So 11 years of experience … we’re the sleep at work ninjas … or so we thought …
Obviously we’re big Apple fan boys. So last week we headed up to Cupertino to visit the Mothership. Because Apple adores us, we were able to get a VIP tour of One Infinite Loop – specifically the App Approval Department. And DANG, from what we witnessed … no wonder there are nearly 40,000 iPhone applications. These app approval employees work their asses off … or so we thought …
The App Approval Department was buzzing with activity … phones ringing, mouses clicking (or is it “mices clicking”? … ah screw it, who cares … go read Business Week if you want proper grammar) and keyboards banging. But a double-take led us to notice there were NO employees at their desks – every App Approval Department cubicle was empty! But what was this “activity” we kept hearing so clearly? Come to find out … it was a recently released iPhone application called iNap@Work – which plays office noise so that the user can sleep at/under his desk without any suspicions. WTH?!? These freaking slackers out-ninja’d us! They approved an app for their own selfish purposes … so the entire App Approval Department could snooze and avoid getting caught by Steve. That’s whack – we’re the sleeping ninjas, not Apple!
But I guess we’ll get the last sleeping ninja laugh … LOL … because while the App Approval Department was taking their iNap@Work snooze – a little app slipped by and caused quite the shitstorm … and now you know the real reason Baby Shaker was approved … the iNap@Work app and wannabe sleeping ninjas, Apple-style!
Sexy Rock Star
Happy Monday! Good weekend? We did … it was another Party, Party, Party weekends – cuz that’s how we roll … we da cool party people, ha! ha! Last time we talked about our weekend escapades in Could’ve Been Ugly, we detailed how an iPhone app saved us from a horrid walk of shame. Well this weekend, things went completely different.
We decided to call up our app developer friend Jimm and invite him to our old stomping grounds … the ultra-trendy Hollywood nightclub, Les Deux (yeah, we da party people, we roll with Britney and Rhianna – ha! ha! – we cool). Our friend Jimm is the ultimate playa – chicks dig him. It’s amazing, dude is like a chick magnet. Check out his picture (yes, that’s really the developer) … he’s a freaking rock star … so sexy!
Now Jimm may not look like a sexy rock star, but he’s got this techie geek vibe that just melts the ladies. Jimm (not a typo … it’s spelled with two “M’s” … cuz he’s like a sexy rock star) is so good at scoring the ladies that he decided to share his special talent by opening his own iPhone app company (MyAppCompany) and offer his valuable techniques for a mere 99 cents. Now it’s not what you’re thinking … it’s not one of those cheesy lame pickup line apps – “Do You Believe In Love At First Sight Or Should I Walk By You Again?” – VOMIT! Jimm’s got it down … the techie Hot Radar way. And it’s so simple to use … just read the app’s instructions:
Laughing? Don’t! … sexy Jimm is onto something. Granted, the first time we tried it on a hottie, she dumped her cosmo over our head … but no worries, it’s all good … we da party people, ha! ha! So we got a refresher course from Jim … and wouldn’t you know it … second time was a charm. Bingo – scored with the help of Hot Radar … smokin’ hot chickas for KRAPPS! Life rocks with with our friend sexy Jimm and his Hot Radar app. Hot Radar completely changed our life and hey, come to think of it … we might as well change our name. No longer are we KRAPPS … from this day forward, since we da cool party Hot Radar people, ha! ha! … we are now known as … sexy KRAPPS. Screw that! Make it bigger. Make it –> SOOO SEXY ROCK STAR KRAPPS!
Gangstas And Homies
‘Sup G?!?! Where you at Playa?!?! West Coast in da house … kickin’ it gansta style!! Yeah boy!! Playa you pimpin’ now? Rollin’ in da BLING? Yaaaa what … no? … check it –> KRAPPS bling edition.
K … you blingin’ now – good! Now we get all gansta ya … cuz that’s how Apple rolls … wanna be a gansta? – yeah boy!! – there’s an app for that!!
LOL … there’s actually two apps for all those iPhone carrying gangsta wannabes. First up, we have the Gunsta app which boldly claims … “Shoot It Like A Gansta”. This app is similar to the way too many iPhone guns blasting the App Store lately … only it’s gangsta style … a gold-plated gun for additional gangsta-ness (go figure, didn’t know real G’s use gold-plated guns – learn something new every day I guess). Anyways, read the Gunsta description for yourself – paying special attention to the value-added benefit of “also works for lefties” (ha … these guys just crack us up) …
Ok … so now you rollin’ with your gold-plated gun, just blasting away … what else you need to be a real iPhone gansta? A 40 ounce of course! Come on, you know the streets are mean in iPhone-land and like the app says, “do you ever wish you could pour one out for a homie, but don’t have a 40oz nearby?” Well now you do, with the Pour1Out app. And continuing to quote the app … “now you can impress your friends with how street you are by pouring one out next time Tupac or Biggie is bumping” … huh?
(note – “Pour One Out For My Homies”: the act of pouring liquid (usually an alcoholic beverage) on the ground as a sign of reverence for friends or relatives that have passed away. In most cases, a 40 ounce bottle of liquor is used)
And for your continued gansta viewing pleasure … we highly recommend checking out Pour1Out’s App Store user reviews. They are a story unto themselves … but more on that later … we’ll just leave you with a censored tease that snuck by Apple’s profanity filter.
Baby Shaker – It’s Not Funny Apple!
(update: app has been removed – CLICK HERE for details)
Our apologies in advance – this will not be a typical KRAPPS post. To borrow a baseball analogy, our mission is to hit what Apple tees up and this next one is going out of the park.
Ever hear of SBS? Per Wikipedia … “Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS) is a form of child abuse that occurs when an abuser violently shakes an infant, creating a whiplash-type motion that causes acceleration-deceleration injuries. The injury is estimated to affect between 1,200 and 1,600 children every year in the USA. SBS is often fatal and can cause severe brain damage, resulting in lifelong disability.” Besides death and brain damage, shaking a baby can cause blindness, leaning problems, seizure disorders, cerebral palsy and paralysis. Yeah, pretty disgusting stuff … repulsive and sickening.
So obviously child abuse is no laughing matter … and maybe it’s just us, but we would never even joke about child abuse and use it as a form of entertainment. Maybe we’re just square pegs and out of the norm because apparently Apple and the folks at Sikalosoft think shaking a baby is funny. Head to the App Store … and search the Entertainment category … there you will find the Baby Shaker iPhone app.
Now don’t get us wrong – we’re not on some vigilante justice hunt. We know there was no malicious intent by Sikalosoft. And we know that Apple are complete dumbasses when it comes to approving apps (even if the app includes a disclaimer – “Never, never shake a baby”), driven by quantity over quality. But come one … combining the title Baby Shaker with the objective of stopping an annoying crying baby is simply irresponsible and utterly idiotic. You would think Apple would stay totally clear of any iPhone app remotely resembling child abuse … but if you’ve paid any attention to KRAPPS, it’s really not surprising.
Ok, we get it … crying babies can indeed get annoying. On a plane, at a restaurant, in the hotel room next to yours … we get it, annoying … shut that kid up! But Apple, try using just half your freaking money-making brain and reject Baby Shaker … tell Sikalosoft to make some revisions, call the damn thing Pacify Junior and mix in some pacifiers to calm the baby down. See how easy that was … simple stuff, sort of funny while protecting the integrity of the Apple brand. And never forget … reality bites – release Baby Shaker and you get douchebag users leaving loser reviews like the one below (yeah, look for it … look for the word CHOCKING) …
-
-
-
-
Social KRAPPS
-
-
-
-
Email
Twitter
FriendFeed
Flickr
YouTube
