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Chess Elite – Lives Up To The Name
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
Even though I am primarily a Go player, I still like to play chess from time to time. Chess Elite [iTunes] from 99 Games has features to satisfy all types of players, from novice to experienced and 9 different board looks to tailor the visuals to taste. The game offers 4 different ways to find an opponent: play against the device, pass & play, play against your contacts and play against an online community.
First up is the play against device mode, which sports a strong chess engine with the ability to customize the strength to suit your current level of play. At the least challenging setting, the iPhone opponent will take just 4 seconds to make a move while at the strongest setting it will take approximately 2 minutes. The "give me a hint" functionality, which is great for novice players looking to improve their skills, also appears to be affected by the strength setting, which makes perfect sense. Also available is an unlimited number of undo/redo actions, so you can back up in the game and try a different tactic, a great feature for the chess student.
Next up is the pass & play mode which is great when you have an opponent in the room, but only one iPhone. Two styles of board flip accommodate either truly passing the device back and forth -or- setting it up like a little tiny chess table in between you. As would be expected, there is no "give me a hint" when you are playing against another person, however the undo/redo is still available (mainly, I guess, to accommodate when a piece is unintentionally dropped in the wrong place).
Playing against your contacts is really just a flavor of playing against the online community, since it merely generates an email to your contact and invites them to join the 99 Games community (and also gives them a handy link to buy the app if they don’t already have it). To initiate an online community game, you login with your credentials (or register directly in the app) and issue a challenge. Once your challenge is accepted, you are notified via push and the game begins. As of this morning, there were about 100 registered players. I sent out a few challenges, but haven’t gotten any response. I would presume that the undo functionality is disabled in the online games, since it would get annoying to have to reconsider moves that you already made. It would be handy to see the win/loss record and the date of last move for the online opponents.
Other features that are user controlled are the display of legal moves when you select a piece, the highlighted indication of the last move made, rank and file titles (which I learned are called measures) and the sound effects. As with other 99 Games offerings, I found the app to be rock solid and well designed.
iBra Fails Miserably In Training Bra Removing Ninjas
Last week we reviewed a very cool “meet the opposite sex” app called SEX-A-MA-PHONE. It basically functions as a witty icebreaker assisting you in meeting guys or girls.
SEX-A-MA-PHONE should work (if it worked for that ab pointing douchebag pictured below, it’ll certainly work for you) with the initial introduction, but the rest of the hook-up is totally in your hands.
So SEX-A-MA-PHONE is successful and you meet this hot chick. The two of you hit it off … constantly talking and text messaging on the phone … going out on dates … celebrating your one week anniversary … blah, blah, blah. Things are going great. But then the relationship is ready for the next level … you know … a bit of that Marvin Gaye – “Let’s Get It On” … some of that R. Kelly – “Bump ‘N Grind” … and top if off with that Bel Biv Devoe – “Do Me Baby”. Ayyy – you’re about to throw up just at the thought of this “Let’s Get Physical” stuff. You’re a blubbering rookie with no experience getting past first base … you can see second off their in the distance, but have never managed to actually reach it. Always getting shot down. Always making a fool of yourself. What is this “second base” we speak of? Boobies … and specifically its dreaded gatekeeper … DA BRA!
Hey it’s cool … da bra is a bitch and takes a lot of dedication and practice to remove it (now it wouldn’t be a gatekeeper if every Tom, Dick and Harry could easily get by). There are tricks of the trade that must be mastered … the flick, the snap, the over-under, etc. Once you are comfortable performing these maneuvers, you can proceed directly to the Promised Land … Second Base.
But how does one become a bra removing ninja master? Oh you know where this is going (unless you are a rookie at KRAPPS too) … there’s an app for that … iBra.
You betcha … become a committed player – practice morning, noon and night … submit your high score … beat da bra and never be without boobies again. NOT!
iBra is either the stupidest joke in the history of the App Store … suffering from a severe infection of bugs … or developer Sebastian Keller was on crack when developing iBra (or was Apple cracked for approving it). We spent over 10 minutes performing every ninja bra removal technique known to mankind (we Googled it) … all to no avail. We flipped it, pinched it, snapped it, stuffed it, rubbed it, smacked it, bit it, shaked it, licked it … heck, we even flipped it upside down and read it a story. Nothing – nada – zilch. Sure bra straps can be tricky … not iBra … it simply sucks! But iBra does accomplish one thing – leaving the user with a strong desire to kick Sebastian Keller square in the nuts.
Attention Stupid People! Buy This App!
Do you suck? Yeah, we know … it’s sucks to suck … we suck too. You know what we suck at? Tic-Tac-Toe. Yup, that good old pencil-and-paper game … Tic-Tac-Toe. Hey man, don’t laugh … it’s a hard game! Those freaking X’ and O’s get us all confused. Not to mention that damn 3×3 grid … that sucker is a bitch with its nine squares and all. ARGH! Very frustrating … and extremely challenging. We’d rather perform brain surgery or design rockets than take on Tic-Tac-Toe. And honestly, we were just about ready to give up on the game, until a new iPhone app came along and saved our Tic-Tac-Toe career …
Tic Tac Toe Trainer.
Now that’s what we’re talking about! With Tic Tac Toe Trainer, you will receive the product of:
4 Years Of Research
2 Years Of Programming
600+ Man Hours Of Research & Programming Combined
Told you it was a complicated game! See why performing brain surgery is a viable option to playing Tic-Tac-Toe? Just look at those man hour claims! And surely Tic Tac Toe Trainer developer, Germ Token, would not be bullshitting us. Nah, no way … not with their other apps like Word Of God and Bible Verse Lookup. Isn’t there some Bible verse about not lying … Revelation 21:8, “… and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone” … OUCH!
Better Than A Stack Of Pancakes – BOOB STACK (aka EA Sucks!)
Oh look at Electronic Arts (EA) … thinking they’re all bad ass … sitting comfortably with their Tetris app in the #30 Top Paid Apps position – taunting the rest of us. Real ground breakers those folks at EA … wussy little colored shapes rotating and falling. But watch out – gotta sort those shapes perfectly or they might stack up and bite you in the rear. Pure freaking adrenaline rush!
“EA Sports. It’s In The Game.” … uh, NOT!
If EA was really in the game, they would’ve figured out we want BOOBS. Yup … good old KNOCKERS … we want ‘em and we need ‘em … badly. Apple get’s it … offering us hundreds of BOOBIE apps. And we’re so glad Apple has finally cut this “beat around the bush” crap and allow developers to properly name their app what it is … BOOBS (see the Asian BOOBS app – a real live example).
Anyhoo … let’s move on from EA and look at a real developer … Inner Four. These guys are like Apple’s MVP and a virtual lock to make the App Store Hall Of Fame with their latest release … BOOB STACK … perfect name, perfect subject – the perfect app.
And you thought we were kidding about the Hall Of Fame claim! See what we’re talking about … BOOBIE TETRIS. Wow! – these folks at Inner Four are just freaking money …
“Tired of just looking at all these sexy bikini girls boobs
and not being able to play with them?”
“Stack these beautiful gorgeous knockers”
Yeah dude – we actually are tired of just looking at BOOBS! How did you know? We were starting to hate our iPhone – a freaking tease! But now it’s all good with Boob Stack … we get to play with BOOBS … we get to stack beautiful KNOCKERS (so beautiful) … and
Uh, hold on folks … we need to grab an umbrella …
It’s Raining Boobs – Hallelujah!
Wax A Hairy Groin With This iPhone App (FREAK)
Can we ask you a couple of personal questions? We promise not to judge and will keep 
your responses confidential … seriously, cross our hearts and pinky swear.
> Do you secretly desire applying wax on a
man’s hairy groin area using only your
fingers?
> Does it turn you on to rip off the applied wax
and witness your victim scream in pain
while his hairless groin pulsates and turns
pink?
If you answered “Yes” to one or more of the above … FREAK! But hey, it’s all good … like we said, we won’t judge (FREAK). Rather, we’re here to help you (SICKO) by announcing the new ManWax app from RustyCroc … guaranteed to satisfy your ultimate (FREAK) male pubic hair waxing fetish.
Hmmm … now that we think about it, these rusty crocodiles might be onto something. Just think about the possibilities … BikiniWax, LandingStripWax, BrazilianWax, AppleWax (for the ultimate fan-boy/girl), etc. Hey, don’t laugh … if Apple approved the Asian Boobs app, surely they would accept a whole plethora of pubic hair removal apps. And with Apple’s ridonkulous approval process, we wouldn’t be surprised if RustyCroc’s secret “project seagull” is really the Brightsmiles For Bungholes app (ewww … come on – let’s go … it’s a fashion trend!).
Attention Walmart Shoppers – This App’s For You
Consider the following:
Person without teeth … Someone being tazed by police … Discarded pregnancy test in a restroom … Kid eating a booger … An “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt
Where are would you find these? Hmmmm … at a redneck wedding? Good answer … but WRONG! No one wears an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt to a redneck wedding. They dress up for the occasion and wear a “Drink Til You Want Me” shirt.
The correct answer is … Walmart (redneck wedding was close). And what better way to honor a store where you can buy a shot gun and a bottle of Boone’s Farm, but you can’t buy a CD that has a “Parental Advisory” sticker … than with it’s own app … Mart Bingo.
Mart Bingo is easy to play … think traditional bingo, but Walmart-style. Go to Walmart, launch app, walk around and click the bingo square when you see what’s described.
We did our research, spent 4 and a half days inside a Walmart (we still itch and smell like bleach) and now are qualified to share a few beefs we have with the app.
1. What’s with the “Kid Eating Booger” square? We saw plenty of shoppers … young and old … eating boogers. Look under any clothing rack – a goldmine for boogers. Look closely in aisle 4 … see that green toy … it’s the Giant Green Booger action figure. So what we really need is just a general “Booger” category.
2. “Over-Flowing Toilet” square? Doesn’t exist … closest thing we found was a drinking fountain in the bathroom … oh crap, was that it?
3. “Mother Beating Child” square? This one needs clarification … we saw many moms pulling their children by the hair. So does hair pulling count as a beating? If not … “Mother Pulling Child By Hair” should be it’s own unique square.
Suggested squares for future updates:
1. “Person Wearing Pajamas and/or Bedroom Slippers” … ancillary to this would be the “Curlers In Her Hair” square.
2. “Domestic Dispute” … these special events can always be seen/heard as Walmart shoppers are eager to share their personal issues with the public.
3. “Family Reunion” … besides the “family eating in an aisle” square, we witnessed plenty of family reunions inside of Walmart – heck, why else would these folks with hundreds of screaming kids be standing/blocking the aisle just talking and yapping away?
And finally, if you need some additional Walmart activities, try these:
1. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream … “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!”
2. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say … “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
3. Go into the fitting room, shut the door, wait a while … then yell …
“There is no toilet paper in here!”
Go grab Mart Bingo and enjoy Walmart to its fullest!
Zombies vs Sheep – Serious Gaming Action, Not Just For Zombie Geeks
(written by self-proclaimed zombie nerd Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron – make sure you check out his Zombie Uprising presentation)
First off, I will have to admit that I am a total zombie nerd. I’ve read zombie novels and I’ve written a zombie screenplay. Heck, I even gave a five’>five minute presentation on surviving a zombie uprising. At no point did I ever stop and think to myself, "Hey, what if you added sheep to the zombie motif?" Until now, that is! With a distinctive graphical style that looks like cardboard cutouts on string and a set of controls that will have you feeling like you are patting your head and rubbing your tummy (while shooting stuff, of course), Zombies vs. Sheep [iTunes] from Clickgamer is a rollicking good time.
As the Shotgun Shepherd, your first task is to protect your sheep from the undead hordes that will descend wave upon wave, hell-bent with intent for guttin’ your mutton. And they’ve brought a few friends to the party as well: vampire bats, phoenixes and the tentacled boss. But don’t shoot the doves, since they give out goodies to help keep you going.
In addition to tapping the screen to aim and shoot, you must also tilt the phone to slide the sheep back and forth, either to pick up the coins that fall when a zombie is hit or to avoid contact with the flaming zombie head that occurs when you fail to hit your mark. Of course, you also have to reload from time to time and here you get a choice: either give the phone a quick flick shake or just tap on the ammo. I started out using the shake in the earlier rounds, but when there’s a screen full of baddies in the later rounds, I found the tap to be more effective since I could keep my eye on the action.
After you’ve accumulated some money, you can visit the upgrade shop where you can improve the speed of your sheep, increase the amount of ammo you get on each reload and other items necessary for survival in the later rounds. One thing you can’t buy (because it falls as a gift during the game) is the assault rifle. Catch this little gem of mayhem and you get to start mowing down your enemies at a frenzied pace. The screenshots I grabbed don’t really do it justice (I had to borrow another pair of hands just to get any screenshots in this game, it is that fast-paced). In the later rounds, the daylight fades and the enemies get stronger (’cause night time is the right time for zombie shenanigans).
At the time of this writing, the game is a steal of a deal at just 99 cents [iTunes].
(editor’s note: yeah, tim’s screenshots do kinda suck. check out the promo video we found.)
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