Memo to developers … choose your words wisely. Slamming someone else’s application and customers within your app’s description makes you look like a TOTAL ASS …
This is not Doodle Jump or Angry Birds
but a serious app for success!
Ouch … boy those God’s-gift-to-earth ABuzz developers really know how to stick it to us childish loser gamers.
A great injustice has been taking place towards iPhone owners! With over 300,000 applications available for download … there isn’t a single bacon clock. Not really sure what Apple or these so-called “talented” developers are thinking … but we find it complete bullshit that such a glaring omission exists and totally inexcusable!
But before you throw yourself into a frenzy over this bacon disregard … you’ll be happy to know that last week, 100 Proof Software came to every iPhone owners rescue by filling this ugly void with … Analog Bacon Clock.
There’s really not a lot to say about Analog Bacon Clock. It pretty much sells itself … a clock made out of bacon … what more do you need? It’s the reason you bought an iPhone.
However that’s what makes 100 Proof Software one of the best iOS developers to date. Sure they could have simply released an analog bacon clock app … but they didn’t. Nope … they released the Best. Analog. Bacon. Clock. Ever! (even if it’s the only one available for download) Just check out these world class features:
- A clock made up of 3 juicy strips of bacon.
- Animated second hand.
- View your bacon clock on a clean pan, greasy pan or plate.
- Touch the pan to hear the bacon sizzle.
- Oinking alarm clock (kidding,although that would be epic).
Agreed … it’s like horological nirvana, with a bit of salty pork mixed in.
And finally … to those who think meat is
tasty tasty murder, please feel comfortable downloading Analog Bacon Clock as no pigs were harmed in the making of this app … HOORAY!
Developer Alain Fernandes is a rock star. Dude started programming 30 years ago on the programmable Texas Instrument calculator TI-57 at the tender age of 13 . His resume is quite impressive … experience in both PC and Mac OS / OSX environments, ten years of mobile and personal assistant programming, Atari, GameBoy, Xbox, Wii, PSP, DS … name a platform, he programmed on it. Mainly a video game coder and with hundreds of published titles to Alain’s credit … programming is his true passion.
Of course now rock star Alain is an iPhone developer as well. He actually retired from “corporate” coding and now works for himself … as an independent called In The Pockets.
And after 30 years of kick ass coding experience … what kind of insanely awesome offerings can we expect from Alain? Try the super cool A Art Of Pocket Light – Sexy iPhone application …
A Art Of Pocket Light – Sexy is similar to the billions of flashlight / light bulb applications found in the App Store … but with one amazing twist … when illuminated, the light bulb displays the word “sexy” … yeah and that’s it. EPIC WIN!
Hmmm … 30 years of programming? We’re thinking dude is obviously burnt out (no pun intended). And for those of you desiring more of Alain’s work, check out the “Love” and “Passion” versions of A Art Of Pocket Light … WOOT!
We noticed a strange phenomenon at this year’s WWDC … the annual conference for iPhone application developers. For whatever reason, all of the developers in attendance had little to no hair … pretty much bald as a baby’s butt. Quite a disturbing sight … until it dawned on us why the lack of WWDC hair … developers are pulling their hair out in frustration over Apple’s idiotic and inconsistent (remember these two words for later) application approval policies!
No hair = Apple’s fault. Makes total sense – just take a look at Apple’s latest moronic ruling.
Mirror App [iTunes Free] is one of the 27 million mirror applications available for the iPhone 4. The developers, DLP Mobile, recently submitted an update to Apple for approval which was immediately rejected. Why? … because per Apple’s email to DLP Mobile …
The screenshots provided contain content that is objectionable for certain age groups. This is in violation of Section 3.3.18 … that states:
"Applications may be rejected if they contain content … that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable, for example, materials that may be considered obscene, pornographic, or defamatory."
The application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating (no objectionable material) since these images are visible on the App Store by all users … The inappropriate images have been attached for your reference.
Excellent … let’s check out the obscene, pornographic screenshots, not suitable for 4-year-olds, Apple attached for our reference …
HUH?!? The girl in the photos is former America’s Next Top Model contestant Mila Bouzinova … and if you think for one second her screenshots are inappropriate (what? girl can’t wear a bandeau bikini top?) … you are a complete douchebag. Now the policy does state, “in Apple’s reasonable judgment” … but come on, is some 40-year-old virgin, working in Apple’s app review team, the best judge of overtly sexual content. These are freaking geeks making a judgment call … their dicks get hard when the wind blows … they should be the last people on earth dictating what is too sexual. To them, a SpongeBob chia pet is arousing. Seriously, if you’re getting excited by Mila’s screenshots … seek help, you have serious issues!
Ok, so that was the “idiotic” part of Apple’s ruling … now the “inconsistent” piece. Look at the screenshots below. They all have been approved by Apple and are live in the App Store. Compare these screenshots to the ones 2 inches above. Now tell us which screenshots are really the inappropriate ones for 4-year-olds.
Chin up developers! We realize the game you play with Apple is asinining, maddening, stupid and absurd … but at least Apple approved an app for your woes … Hair Clinic – the app which magically grows your hair back after its been pulled out .
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ … keep dat bullshit ROLLIN’!
Aside from Apple’s bullshit response to the iPhone 4 antenna issue (you’re holding it wrong) … there’s another disturbing trend out of Cupertino lately. Although the App Store has been cleansed from overtly sexual applications, Apple is perfectly fine with approving apps that are total scams … hair growth, wart removal, fat burning and more. There’s an app that helps you quit smoking by changing your cigarette’s flavor to ass … and of course the iPhone would not be revolutionary unless it made your penis happy and fixes erectile dysfunction. Oh and speaking or erections … there’s even an app which allows users to send hard-on’s to their friends as gifts – NOT KIDDING!
And now it’s time for boobs, breasts and titties … call ‘em what you want, the iPhone can now make them BIGGER with the Breast Enlargement Project application. HA!
Claiming to end the flat chest era with this app, Breast Enhancement Project promises to deliver bigger boobs after just 10 days of use. Apparently the app plays magical music … and if you listen to this magical music 20 times a day, for 30 seconds at a time … you’ll magically make you melons grow BIGGER!
Breast Enhancement Project even gives you an exact ROI … (20x/day x 30sec/day) x 10days = 100 minutes or 3 centimeters (approx one inch) of of boob growth … YEAH!
Of course there are the usual disclaimers … Breast Enhancement Project states that if you have a negative attitude, the magic music will not grow your titties … “as long as you believe "Breast Enhancement Project" , the fact will be confirmed.” AMEN!
[Disclaimer – Breast Enhancement Project is a serious application and is not meant to be used as a joke or gag. Like the aforementioned bullshit scam apps, Apple has classified Breast Enhancement Project as a Utility application, thus avoiding the obvious bullshit apps in the Entertainment category. CAPICHE?!]
First there was the app that turned your iPhone into a portable heater … then into an air blower … and of course the infamous watermelon ripeness detector. But all these
useless useful applications pale in comparison to the dynasty of utilities one developer is pumping out … dude’s name is Holger Blumler … and his eccentric company is HMB-TEC.
Holger Blumler is an interesting fellow. Picture the freaky scientist Doc Brown from Back To The Future. But instead of tinkering with a DeLorean and the flux capacitor … Holger spends his time messing with the iPhone’s 3.5mm headphone jack. And with assorted external attachments (all available for sale on HMB-TEC’s site), coupled with correct calculations … when the iPhone launches Holger’s apps, you’re going to see some serious shit …
Just like it sounds … stick a propeller in the headphone jack, crank up the iPhone’s volume and boom … revolutionary refreshing air!
Forgive Holger … he’s from Germany and their soccer team is kicking major ass in the World Cup. So being a freak football fan, Holger couldn’t resist an app that waves the German (or any nation) flag from the iPhone accompanied by various obnoxious soccer sounds. Heartbreaking however that Holger didn’t develop a vuvuzela attachment.
Turn your iPhone into a FICKIN’ LASER … enough said … awesome!
So some weak sauce developers are using the iPhone 4’s flash as a flashlight app … MEH. Holger is way ahead of those dorks … check out the original, pre-iPhone 4, LED flashlight … complete with a handy, built-in, SOS Morse code distress signal (· · · — — — · · ·).
And Holger’s madness doesn’t stop with the above … mobile alarm system [YouTube], aromatherapy [YouTube], thermometer, stethoscope, heart monitor, microphone, infrared remote and more. Like we said, dude is building a dynasty of some serious flux capacitor-like shit … bravo Holger, bravo!
Nine bucks buys you the Hair Clinic app. Simply hold the iPhone to your head for 10 minutes a day and the app delivers healthy and abundant hair. [BULLSHIT]
Think you could stand to lose a few pounds? Become a lean, mean, loving machine with the FatBurner2K app. Just stick the iPhone on your belly and it will literally shake away your fat molecules resulting in weight loss. [BULLSHIT]
The Less Cigarette app will magically change the flavor of your cigarette so it tastes like ass and help you quite smoking. [BULLSHIT] Thirteen bucks will heal your wart using the Wart Healer app … notice we said wart, as in one wart … additional wart healings can be purchased for $13 each via in-app purchase. [BULLSHIT]
And for the latest and greatest achievement … the iPhone can now fix ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION with the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app …
Yes sir – you heard it right … the iPhone now has the ability to deliver a healthy hard on … and it doesn’t even require the new iOS4. Per the app’s description …
Just listen to the audio for 6 minutes everyday, and after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced for more than 85%! The effect is close to taking a viagra!
Sound waves baby – it’s all about sound waves … (6 minutes a day) x (20 days) = 85% increased enhancement … hmmm, not a bad ROI indeed. LMAO … gotta love the outrageous claim –> The Effect Is Close To Taking A VIAGRA! Good thing Apple employees sat around with woodies as they tested and approved Fire Up Your Sex Drive.
You might think the sound wave thing is all nonsense … but how can you doubt the validity of the developer’s claim with this sound explanation …
This application makes a kind of high frequency alpha wave to synchronize with your brain wave. It could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone. This is a very healthy way without any side effect and you will not need the pills to destroy your body any more!
And if you’re still not convinced … Fire Up Your Sex Drive was tested on a large number of male users … the results were conclusive …
About 580 men have tried this application, and the effective percentage is even more than 77%
So next time you are experiencing a sad penis … just remember … iPhone – The Quicker Pecker Upper. [BULLSHIT]