Attention Stupid People! Buy This App!

you suck blow me Do you suck? Yeah, we know … it’s sucks to suck … we suck too. You know what we suck at? Tic-Tac-Toe. Yup, that good old pencil-and-paper game … Tic-Tac-Toe. Hey man, don’t laugh … it’s a hard game! Those freaking X’ and O’s get us all confused. Not to mention that damn 3×3 grid … that sucker is a bitch with its nine squares and all. ARGH! Very frustrating … and extremely challenging. We’d rather perform brain surgery or design rockets than take on Tic-Tac-Toe. And honestly, we were just about ready to give up on the game, until a new iPhone app came along and saved our Tic-Tac-Toe career …
Tic Tac Toe Trainer.

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Tic Tac Toe Trainer 4  TicTacToeTrainer 2  TicTacToeTrainer 3

Now that’s what we’re talking about! With Tic Tac Toe Trainer, you will receive the product of:

4 Years Of Research

2 Years Of Programming

600+ Man Hours Of Research & Programming Combined

Told you it was a complicated game! See why performing brain surgery is a viable option to playing Tic-Tac-Toe? Just look at those man hour claims! And surely Tic Tac Toe Trainer developer, Germ Token, would not be bullshitting us. Nah, no way … not with their other apps like Word Of God and Bible Verse Lookup. Isn’t there some Bible verse about not lying … Revelation 21:8, “… and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone” … OUCH!

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August 17, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 5 Comments 

Recap: Week Of August 10

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

August 10: Redneck Roundup – Apps For The Less Intelligent

August 11: SEX-A-MA-PHONE – Change You Life With The 99 Cent Cojones Machine

August 12: Dancing Pancakes – Further Proof The App Store Is On Drugs

August 13: Better Than A Stack Of Pancakes – BOOB STACK (aka EA Sucks!)

August 14: Just Say No To Farts With The iDontFart App

August 15: Knicker Picker Turns Your iPhone Into A Sexy Lingerie Show

August 16: Thank You KRAPPS Sponsors

August 16, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

Knicker Picker Turns Your iPhone Into A Sexy Lingerie Show

TpLogo Knicker Picker … arguably the greatest site on the entire Internet ever! Seemingly a typical lingerie e-commerce site, the real “value” of Knicker Picker is within their Virtual Dressing Room. Users select a girl … dress her up in various styles of bras and panties … and then sit back and watch an interactive lingerie modeling show.

 

Now supposedly KnickerPicker assists the ladies with their lingerie purchasing decision … but we all know the real reason Knicker Picker’s conversion ratios are lagging … guys of all ages, wasting hours of their lives getting their quasi sexual jollies.

Well good news dudes … wasting away your life became even more convenient with the new Knicker Picker iPhone app. Now you’ll be able to enjoy those steamy lingerie shows from the comfort and privacy of your iPhone. In class, at work, on the subway … anywhere you take your iPhone.

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Mmmm “turn around” baby … “come closer” … grrrr. Yeah, the “walk away” command is our fave … nothing like a parting shot of a thong-clad lingerie model. This is so much better than those Victoria Secret catalogs … speaking of, wake up Victoria Secret – we’re keeping our fingers crossed for VSVDR: Victoria Secret Virtual Dressing Room app … yeah baby!

Now although current Knicker Picker models “A” (32DD, dress size 4), “J” (32C, dress size 4/6) and “P” (32A, dress size 2) have the ability to float our boat, we look forward to additional models (assuming the rest of the alphabet – B, C, D, E, etc.) the developers have promised. Bet you never knew the alphabet could be such a turn on! LOL.

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But here is the real value and beauty of this app … if your wife or significant other ever walks in on you during one of your perverted Knicker Picker viewing sessions, you have the ultimate air-tight alibi … “Gee honey, you ruined the surprise – I was buying you a gift.”

August 15, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 7 Comments 

Just Say No To Farts With The iDontFart App

Ok Apple, enough with the fart apps. We all get it … the iPhone can fart. Ha! – Ha! iFarts were funny say the first 147 times. Now that there’s hundreds of them … uh, can you read: 

LAME!

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Seriously … why do we need all this krapp: a farting camera – Camera Fart … a farting piano – Farthoven … female farts – Girls Fart Too … Alien Farts … Mexican farts – El Fart Mexicano … Monkey Fart … and the list goes on. What’s sad is that we used to like farts. Farts were fun and amusing. But now they are so overplayed by Apple, we just can’t stand them … Apple ruined farts and traded it for the almighty dollar … FARTS SUCK!

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And that’s exactly why we purchased the new iDontFart app [iTunes]. Heck, at the time of purchase, we didn’t even know what the hell it did … all we knew is that iDontFart is an anti-fart app, which is good enough for us. If they had t-shirts, we’d purchase one too. Hats, idontfart_icon stickers, coffee mugs … bring it on iDontFart … we want it all. FARTS SUCK!

Anyways, so when we finally had a calming moment (thanks to our myVibe app), we started tinkering around with iDontFart … and wouldn’t cha know – this sucker is actually quite handy. The premise is when you feel an anal ahem coming on, you launch the app and play one of the numerous “masking” sounds like a Cough, Snapping Fingers, Flushing Toilet, Rattling Keys, Shuffling Newspaper or others. So you’re disguising your farts with common everyday sounds. Freaking brilliant! We can totally see this useful after a big Mexican dinner, when playing golf (Tiger Woods could’ve used it, eh?), in a confessional … heck, even in bed while lighting a Dutch Oven … it’s all good!

idontfart_screen1   idontfart_screen2

So Apple declared their App Store “revolutionary” … well One Infinite Loop, we’re declaring our own revolution! A fight against the hundreds of annoying loser fart apps Apple has approved. Led my our fearless leader is iDontFart – we will “Save Our Dignity”  … 
99 cents is a small price to for change. Viva La Resistance!

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August 14, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 4 Comments 

Better Than A Stack Of Pancakes – BOOB STACK (aka EA Sucks!)

Tetris_30_FINAL Oh look at Electronic Arts (EA) … thinking they’re all bad ass … sitting comfortably with their Tetris app in the #30 Top Paid Apps position – taunting the rest of us. Real ground breakers those folks at EA … wussy little colored shapes rotating and falling. But watch out – gotta  sort those shapes perfectly or they might stack up and bite you in the rear. Pure freaking adrenaline rush!
“EA Sports. It’s In The Game.” … uh, NOT!

If EA was really in the game, they would’ve figured out we want BOOBS. Yup … good old KNOCKERS … we want ‘em and we need ‘em … badly. Apple get’s it … offering us hundreds of BOOBIE apps. And we’re so glad Apple has finally cut this “beat around the bush” crap and allow developers to properly name their app what it is … BOOBS (see the  Asian BOOBS app – a real live example).

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Anyhoo … let’s move on from EA and look at a real developer … Inner Four. These guys are like Apple’s MVP and a virtual lock to make the App Store Hall Of Fame with their latest release … BOOB STACK … perfect name, perfect subject – the perfect app.

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Boob Stack 1   Boob Stack 2

And you thought we were kidding about the Hall Of Fame claim! See what we’re talking about … BOOBIE TETRIS. Wow! – these folks at Inner Four are just freaking money …

“Tired of just looking at all these sexy bikini girls boobs
and not being able to play with them?”

“Stack these beautiful gorgeous knockers”

Yeah dude – we actually are tired of just looking at BOOBS! How did you know? We were starting to hate our iPhone – a freaking tease! But now it’s all good with Boob Stack … we get to play with BOOBS … we get to stack beautiful KNOCKERS (so beautiful) … and

Uh, hold on folks … we need to grab an umbrella …


It’s Raining Boobs – Hallelujah!

Boob Stack 3 RAIN

August 13, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 11 Comments 

Dancing Pancakes – Further Proof The App Store Is On Drugs

iPhone_Devs_FINAL Shhhh! Be very quiet … let’s listen in on a conversation over at HarryWorks – they develop high quality, life changing iPhone apps. We think they went to Stanford, they are mensas:

>> “Dude – I’m hungry”
>> “Cool – I’m wasted dude”

>> “Yeah dude, that’s why I’m hungry – I’m so wasted also”
>> “Dude – let’s get some grind”

>> “Dude – we have no dinero for food, Apple still hasn’t paid us”
>> “Paid us for what dude?”

>> “Dude – the app we sell in the App Store – I forget its name”
>> “We don’t have an app dude”

>> “We don’t?!? Dude – shut up – I thought we sell apps”
>> “No dude – we have no app, no dinero and no food – but we are wasted”

>> “Dude – let’s make an app right now”
>> “We’re wasted and hungry dude”

>> “Right on dude – it’ll be killer – let’s make an app when we’re wasted and hungry –
      everyone will buy it”
>> “Ok dude – let’s make an app – got any ideas”

>> “Let’s make an app with a pancake dude – we’ll make the pancake do stuff like dance,
      whistle and sing”
>> “Dude – you are out of your F’ing mind – that is some stupid shit”
>> “I know dude – I’m so hungry and wasted”

You think we’re kidding about this drug induced brainstorming session (we use the term “brain” loosely)? … uh, no … meet Raoul The Dancing Pancake

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Raoul1 Raoul2 Raoul3

Seriously, WTF is this – Harold and Kumar Go To App Land? … “An app where you can mess with a pancake” … ????? … sorry bro, too freaking weird for us – we’d rather mess with Sexy Memory or the Tera Patrick apps. And don’t give us this krap … “we’re targeting the kid market” … seeing a pissed off pancake in a bed of flames is a sure fire way to jack up your children for the rest of their lives.

So we got a Bacon Man … and we got a Matzah Man … and now we have a Pancake Man who not only dances, whistles and sings … but has wild mood swings? Damn, who needs drugs when you have the App Store.

August 12, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 13 Comments 

SEX-A-MA-PHONE – Change You Life With The 99 Cent Cojones Machine

(editor’s note: no … this is not a phone sex app … carry on)

WoW_geek_final22 Ok, let’s be honest … we could all use a little help meeting someone of the opposite sex. Well unless you are that 30-year-old, still living in your parents’ house, working 20 hours a week at Best Buy for minimum wage while your mom washes and folds your clothes. Heck, we understand your goals … being locked in your room, socializing with your online “friends” playing non-stop World of Warcraft … yeah baby, that’s nice! But for the rest of us, a little help in the Love and Sex department never hurts … right? Come on … be real!

Of course you could go take you chances with the loaded gun Russian Roulette method of eHarmony or Match.com. And one scary Russian deserves another … how about a Russian mail-order bride – yikes! Got ADD? – you’ll love meeting 25 potential partners in 25 seconds … do the Speed Dating thing and make your head bleed.

SAMP_icon Look … back away from your Green Card seeking foreign BrideZilla. Help is just a touch away on your iPhone with the SEX-A-MA-PHONE app [iTunes]. Oh sure there are other “flirty hook-up” apps … but you’ll be cooler with SEX-A-MA-PHONE … it’s not just an app, it’s a social lubricant (we like that phrase). This sucker reeks of quality. Phenomenal graphics and this sci-fi time machine vibe going on – fancy gauges, mechanical switches, a glass chamber … even comes with a flux capacitor … hot chick’s love flux capacitors!

And SEX-A-MA-PHONE is so freaking easy to use … even WoW geeks could use it if they ever decide to crawl out of their bedrooms. Select the “Guy” or “Girl” option, blow into the mouthpiece … this will set the device in motion (which is a bitching sight unto itself) … ultimately spitting out a reading from the results wheel. With 128 unique results like … Shag-a-delic, McDreamy, Hot Tamale, Man Whore, Porn Star, Dr. Love, Wicked Hot, Ball Buster, Babe-o-licious, Really a dude, Goddess, etc. … you’ve broken the ice and opened the door for magical romance (or a drink poured on your head).

 

SEX-A-MA-PHONE comes with a killer hidden feature which enables you to guarantee a result. Say you want to meet this hottie – last thing you want is for hottie to get a “Warning: Causes Blue Balls!” reading. So on the main screen, before you select the “Guy” or “Girl” option, touch the valve on the far right side – the valve rotates 90 degrees and always produces a positive outcome. Want to screw with a friend? Touch the same valve twice quickly – the valve rotates 45 degrees and always produces a negative results. The valve resets to its default position once you go back to the main screen. Use this feature wisely … it’ll give you superhuman powers … don’t be a dick and abuse these powers, it gives us superhumans a bad rap.

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So next time you dork-up trying to approach that hot chick or total stud, get the Cojones Machine –> SEX-A-MA-PHONE … guaranteed to give you the cojones to break the ice.

Fine … there are no guarantees in life (yeah, yeah – death and taxes – whatever) … but
SEX-A-MA-PHONE is the closest thing you’ll get to a guaranteed flirty ice-breaker social lubricant (either that or massive amounts of shits and giggles amongst your friends). Heck, if it worked for that poor old country bastard Clem and his mangy hairless dog,
SEX-A-MA-PHONE [iTunes] should be a slam dunk for the rest of you!

SEX-A-MA-PHONE … the 99 cent Cojones Machine

 

August 11, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 26 Comments 

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