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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
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- Recap Week Of January 3
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Further Proof Of Apple’s Idiotic Approval Process
Yesterday we came across an article on TUAW regarding yet another rejected app. This latest decision by Apple is so completely idiotic, we just couldn’t resist honoring Apple’s stupidity and ignorance. The story goes like this …
Craig Robinson is a fairly normal dude … he’s left-handed, has a beard, loves baseball, drinks beer and is an iPod Touch user. Now Craig isn’t perfect, he does have his quirks … he’s a huge New York Yankee fan, collects stuck Tic Tacs and waits 15 months between haircuts. But for all his oddities, Craig didn’t deserve the two epic nut shots Apple delivered to his manhood.
You see Craig is an accomplished artist and has established a unique niche of creating Minipops … totally cool itsy bitsy teeny weenie pixilated renditions of famous people – celebrities, sports figures, politicians, musicians, etc … heck, he’s even got a cool one of Steve Jobs ( LOL, but no Bill Gates). Dude’s been MiniPopping (is that a word?) for the past ten years, so needless to say … he’s totally legit, has three published Minipops books and is a well respected individual in the art world … Craig Robinson does not suck.
Being the Apple fan boy, Craig thought it would be cool to create a Minipops app with his drinking buddy Matt. It would include every Minipop (1,000 of them) with a bit of witty text about each one (15,000 total words). Obviously not the standard KRAPPS, but a significantly large effort. (can you correctly identify the Minipop below? – answer at end of article)
So great … the Minipops app was produced, submitted to Apple and promptly REJECTED. Craig is an offensive bastard and his Minipops below were returned from Apple, who said: “ridicules public figures and is in violation of Section 3.3.12” …
Ok, so instead of debating Apple why the Obama family Minipop is suitable for an upcoming book about Michelle Obama, yet is offensive for the iPhone … Craig took the high road, eliminated all descriptions, resubmitted to Apple and was kicked in the balls a second time. Why? Because now Apple has a problem with the images seen below …
So at this point, Craig is about to shove his iPod Touch up Apple’s “core” and buy a Zune. What on earth does this guy have to do to get his Minipop app approved … wake up Apple and realize there are perfectly acceptable artistic tributes to public figures with no malicious intent (ok, maybe a half pixel Alanis bush would be more appropriate than a full pixel bush … but then again, what’s half a pixel among friends? but it’s relevant bush per her Thank U music video). This is the same vague and inconsistent “3.3.12” krapp we wrote about in the NIN access, Poker vs Girls, Hot Dog Down A Hallway, iNewz Tech and iStrip articles. Yet Apple approves the Peep Show app and agrees it’s appropriate for 4th graders to watch strippers take off their clothes. We must have missed that day in Parenting Class.
Come on Apple! LET’S GO! Get you krapps together and stop screwing with the developer’s time, money and emotions. News flash oh shiny red fruit – don’t bite the hand that feeds you … without these third-party developers, the iPhone would be just another smartphone and a krappy one at that!
(answer – Ozzy Osbourne and family … although missing a headless bat)
We So Horny – Are You?
We’ve been meaning to write an iPhone pickup line article for some time now … because DAMN there are a lot of them! We’re talking like hundreds and hundreds – rapidly approaching Arctic Gerbil numbers. Seriously … WTF is this about? … we never received the memo that iPhone owners are a bunch of horny dorks who need all the hooking up help they can get. Hmmm … iPhone – Horny Dorks – Hooking Up … yeah, ok … when you break it down logically, guess horny dorks do need some help. Whatever, never got the memo.
So these hooking up apps … they come in all shapes and sizes: the Casanova Pickup Lines app … iPimpin Pickup Lines … Ultimate Pickup Lines … Awesome Pickup Lines … 1001 Best Pickup Lines … 400 Pickup Lines … Hillbilly Pickup Lines … and on and on. You get the idea … freaking LAME. Yeah dude, go ahead and score with these masterpieces …
“I’m not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock!”
“If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous!”
“Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?”
“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”
LOL … stop the madness … better yet, buy an app that REALLY works … buy Hornymeter!
Hornymeter is awesome and so simple to use: see a hottie … have hottie place finger on the Hornymeter … the app scans the hottie’s finger, performing complex calculations like Heart Rate, Heat Matrix and Pheromone Aura analyses …
… Hornymeter then displays a Horniness Score (not our words, it’s in the app description) with a wonderful and descriptive written summary for the hottie to read …
Four hard nipples … flying with your libido … fire hazard panties. See, we told you … this is classic stuff which guaranteed to get you rolling in the hay on any given night. However … we think our Hornymeter has a bug and anxiously await the app’s next update. When our targeted hottie read her rating as … “If Hornyness Were A Crime, You’d Be On Death Row”… well, let’s just say our last words to her were … Ow My Balls!
Apple’s Sexy Skin Policy Revealed
Today we salute Michael Burford of Headlight Software for his crowning achievement of figuring out WTF Apple is thinking. Yup … Michael is one of the few developers who actually made sense of Apple’s biggest joke … Section 3.3.12 of the iPhone SDK Agreement.
For those of you not familiar with Section 3.3.12, it is Apple’s safeguard to reject apps which contain objectionable content. It reads, “Applications must not contain any obscene, pornographic, offensive, or defamatory content or materials of any kind (text, graphics, images, photographs, etc.)” … ok, fair enough … using common sense, these guidelines are reasonably clear and straightforward.
But Apple continues with a wildcard … “Applications must not contain other content or materials that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable by iPhone or iPod Touch users” … and thus the bullcrap begins = Apple’s Reasonable Judgment.
In reality, Apple’s reasonable judgment is similar to a 3-year old hopped up on a cotton candy sugar high. Completely out of control, shaking hysterically, bouncing off the ceiling and uttering pure nonsense. “Uh, uh, uh, shake a baby until it dies … APPROVED” – “Uh, uh, uh, kill puppies … APPROVED” – “Uh, uh, uh … flying hot dogs … DENIED”. Step away from the cotton candy Apple – your reasonable judgment objectionable! And that’s why Michael is so impressive … he actually made sense out of Apple’s hysteria.
You see Michael recently released the Poker vs Girls app [iTunes] … a very well made iPhone game of strip poker. Of course strip poker with no skin would be sacrilege. But with Apple hopped up on cotton candy … who knows if they think sexy skin is objectionable. Judging by the Hot Girls, Sexy Ladies Of SHOW, Peekababe and Sexy Girls apps (all in the Top 50 Paid Entertainment apps) – “Uh, uh, uh … sexy skin … APPROVED”. But no slam dunk for Michael’s Poker vs Girls … dude got bounced as Apple claimed some of the app’s sexy skin photographs were objectionable …
Huh? … approved pictures … rejected pictures … WTF? Like we said … Michael knows WTF as he reveals in this blog:
People Taking Off Clothes Or In Their Underwear Is OK,
But Pretending To Take Off Underwear Is Not OK.
Well Michael … congrats … you figured out the great Apple WTF mystery. Good luck on the upcoming male version of your app … Poker vs Boys … we look forward to your bulging crotch revelations and guidelines.
The Keynote Blows – We Have Real News
Ok, so yesterday Apple announced some really cool stuff in their 2009 WWDC Keynote …
OS 3.0 will be released on June 17. The new iPhone 3GS will become available on June 19 at $199 (16GB) and $299 (32GB) … improved battery life, a 3MP camera with autofocus, video recording, voice commands, a digital compass, cut-copy-paste functionality and a whole lot more. Oh – and the new “S” in 3GS … it stands for sexy … meaning your iPhone will be twice as sexy. Kidding … S = Speed … 3GS is 2x faster than the iPhone 3G.
Good times – yeah, whatever. Let’s get to the best part of the Keynote … AT&T SUCKS and KRAPPS on their iPhone customers! Basically AT&T is not ready to support MMS or Internet Tethering … and the announced prices are only for eligible customers. Great work AT&T – you guys rock! Visit 148apps for more details about the AT&T SUCKS issue … and be sure to check out Apple’s excellent Guided Tour video of the new 3GS.
But remember – this is KRAPPS and the beauty of KRAPPS is that we’re not iPhone Alley, 148apps, Just Another iPhone Blog or any one of those polished and professional iPhone news sites. We are freaks … so while the rest of the iPhone fan-boy blog world is getting all hot and bothered over Apple’s latest and greatest achievements… we skim that page and focus on the real news. So what’s making our kite fly high today? Well it’s the latest sack of suck we discovered –> the Bathroom Racer app!
Damn straight … Bathroom Racer … the new iPhone racing game where you drive a PILE of POOP! Fastest time to the toilet wins. That’s what we’re talking about … POOP RACING … challenging courses with hills and jumps (hey, it’s not easy to control flying poop), five ridiculously thrilling levels of poop play and kindergarten-like graphics . Heck with Firemint and their Real Racing garbage … this is the real REAL RACING … this is POOP RACING. For a flavor of Poop Racing’s awesomeness, check out the amazing action-packed screen shots below:
So to all you fan-boys … go ahead and keep blowing sunshine up Apple’s ass for their “fastest, most powerful iPhone yet”. We’re not buying into that nonsense! We’re buying Bathroom Racer for 99 cents and applauding developer Adam Flaherty for his groundbreaking achievement … the world’s first POOP RACING game … because here at KRAPPS, we realize POOP RACING is a privilege, not a right!
That Itch Down There
Ok, since many of you are pre-occupied with opening day at the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) … we’ll keep this one short and sweet … memo to developers –>
Choose Your Title Wisely!
And for some more Venereal Disease fun … check out this crazy War Department Training Film from the 1940s titled: All Aboard The USS VD …
Recap: Week Of June 1
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
June 1: Touch My Crotch – hate to say it, there’s an app for that
June 2: Real Estate Agents Are Disturbing – the circus has arrived on your iPhone, EEK
June 3: Sexy Wash – More Dirt For Your iPhone – hot chicks clean your iPhone – SWEET
June 4: Tupac, Dead, Kick Ass, What App – random musings about iPhone app madness
June 5: iStoryTime – Barney Sucks, Fred The Fish Rules – and so do Weiner Dog Magnets
June 5: WorldMate Kicks KRAPPS In The Balls – this video is too funny!
June 6: Worst Boob Job On The iPhone – sorry folks, we had to go there
Worst Boob Job On The iPhone
(sorry folks – we had to go there)
As mentioned, we look at every new iPhone application that hits the App Store. Dang – kind of sad … that’s nearly 50,000 apps – man we need a life! Anyways, obviously there are a TON of those sleazy apps … which typically are male-orientated and feature scantily clad chicks with big boobies. Now for the most part … it is what it is … nothing to get your panties in a bundle about … basically Maxim meets the iPhone. But when we came across the new Bikini World app … we had to do a double-take and think …
“OH MY! – YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!”
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