Fortunes In The Crapper

We have an idea … yes we do … it’s an iPhone app idea and just like the dude who made Sound Grenade, we figure we’d rack in a cool $100K for 30 minutes of work. Ha! We rock … tealeavessuck2 our app is better than your app!

So you guys are cool – we’ll let you in on our little secret … just promise not to go off and release it yourself … k?

There is this fortune telling method called tasseography … more commonly known as “reading tea leaves”. Yup, tea leaves can reveal all sorts of killer stuff … health, love, wealth, etc. Now take this reading tea leaves concept and transport it into iPhone World. But remember, in iPhone World, KRAPPS rock. So think farts, annoying sounds, boobs, vomit, strip apps, zits, boogers, bikinis, snot, etc. And of course the latest KRAPPS trend … POOP!

Oh yeah, we’re running with poop! Poop are the tea leaves of the iPhone World. Poop can reveal so much about your health and diet. Now we won’t go as far as saying poop can give insights about your love life, fame or fortune … but we’re going to market hard the whole health issue angle. Heck, everyone should be concerned with their health – that’s just a given. So our winning formula is … Poop + Health = $$$.

tales_from_the_crapperWEB Ok, now play along with our cr-app. Next time you take a dump, go ahead and wipe up, but DO NOT flush! Flushing is bad (even courtesy flushes) … we need to keep the butt nuts in the bowl. Now using our cr-app, choose the Color of your cigar fish: is it white, yellow, red, magenta, orange, brown, black, etc. Ok, once you selected your colon cobra’s color, choose its Shape: long, pebbles, rain cloud, bunny ears, beer can, etc. Now the last step … Frequency … how many times a day do you bake brownies: 1-2 times per day, 3 times, 4 times, 5+ times. Once you enter all this information into our cr-app, push the submit button and out comes your results (by the way, you can flush now).

Yes, we know … it sounds freaky and whack. But this is iPhone World, where the current flavor of the month is POOP (eww). Now to get away from the wasteland of stupidity in the Entertainment category, we’ll position ourselves in the legit Healthcare & Fitness group. We’ll give our cr-app credibility by writing a sensible, but  witty description like …

This is an educational tool that helps you consider your diet and health
from the perspective of what you leave behind in the bowl

Yeah baby! We kick ass! It’s all about the POOP these days in iPhone World. We’re gonna make a fortune by reading your crap. Booyah!

What the? Not cool! Piss off Quango with your iPoop healthcare and fitness application. Stealing our fecal fortune cr-app. Leave us alone and go service your big wig clients like Electronic Arts, Dell, Adidas and Sharp. Whatever … may the wrath of the Red-Rain Cloud- 5 Times A Day-Poop strike down upon you and spare no mercy. Blah!

iPoopDesc

iPoop1    iPoop2

May 14, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 12 Comments 

We Lost Our Penis

Hello there! We have a confession to make … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – yes ok – sorry, sorry about that – it won’t happen again – yes dear – yes, yes we are morons – sorry – our bad

losthisballs2 Ok, we were saying … we have a confession to make. You know the app we just covered, the one that turns your iPhone into a penis … well it’s our favorite app ever. Why? Well the reason is quite simple, we lost our penis … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – what? – you need some water? – ok, be right there – no problem – one water coming right up – yes!, yes we’ll hurry it up

So we lost our penis. Not really sure how it happened. Somewhere during the 7 years of our marriage, it just vanished into thin air … boom – gone! Really bizarre stuff. We used to … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – we took out the trash – and yes we fed the dog – yes we won’t forget to paint the house this weekend – understood, no watching TV until the house is completely painted – no problem dear – and yes, we know it’s your birthday is next week

naggingwife2 Anyways, we were saying … we used to vote Democrat – now we vote Republican. We used to golf on the weekend – now we paint the house. We used to pee standing up – now we sit down and close the lid. Like we said, it just happened – we lost our penis.

So now we find comfort in our iPhone penis app … it makes us happy. It reminds us of the good old days, when … (argh! hold on for a second)

yes dear – we remembered to download the Period Tracker Companion For Men application – and we are so glad to have it on our iPhone as it’s a constant reminder or you – yes we love the fact that we can sync our iPhone to your Period Tracker app and always be aware of your upcoming period – we love being so in tune with you – why yes dear, we will check for your period every hour of every day – we agree, it’s a grand idea – how did we ever survive without the Period Tracker For Men – oh we can’t wait to use it – we can’t wait for your next period – yes dear, you are VERY important to us – yes dear, you are our #1 priority – yes we will be extra nice during your period – yes dear, we know it’s very hard to be a women and yes, we know it’s all our fault … (bitch)

What? no dear, we didn’t say anything … we just love you so much dear and we love our Period Tracker For Men … besides you, it’s the best thing that ever happened to us … ok, hold on, be right there for your nightly back rub. 

PeriodTrackerMenDescFINAL

Uhh, where were we … oh yeah, we were saying that our penis app makes us happy and reminds us of the good old days. We could fart out loud rather than pinching it off. We didn’t have to watch Beaches, Steel Magnolias or Mamma Mia! We did shots of Cuervo – now we sip flirtinis.

So yeah, not really sure what happened to our penis … could’ve sworn we had it 7 years ago when we married Miss right – guess we didn’t know her first name was Always.

May 13, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 16 Comments 

For Your Confident Life

iPhoneHair Ok folks … step right up … gather around … listen carefully … because boy have we got an absolutely amazing app for you! It’s one of a kind – it’s an original – it will leave you wondering how you ever lived life without it. This featured app is for everyone – for man and woman. A ground breaking app my friends and we are so excited to present it to you.

Let’s start with a simple question … do you have hair? Most of you will answer “Yes”. Another question … do you want to keep your hair? Most of you will answer “Yes”. So it’s been established … most of you have hair and want to keep it. Marvelous! Then what you need to do is immediately purchase the HAIR CLINIC app by Sociag Project. What is this HAIR CLINIC app you ask? Well friends, it’s The World’s First Mobile Hair Clinic System which will help protect your hair for a confident life. Yes … protect your hair for a confident life with HAIR CLINIC … for man and woman!

HAIR-CLINIC-1

Now stop laughing! … Stop it! … Stop it right now! HAIR CLINIC works! Most hair problems such as alopecia and hair loss result from insufficient nutrition of hair roots that is caused by the circulation disorder of the blood around hair roots. HAIR CLINIC generates various types of inaudible high and low frequencies to promote blood circulation around hair roots and as a result, hair roots can receive normal nutrition … thus avoiding hair loss.

PoopHair With HAIR CLINIC, you’re on your way to a life of healthy and abundant hair … and it’s easy. Just follow the simple three step … Step 1: launch app, press the Cleaning button, hold iPhone to your head for 3 minutes to clean pores … Step 2: press the Massaging button, hold iPhone to your head for 4 minutes to promote blood circulation … Step 3: press the Improving button, hold iPhone to your head for 3 minutes to improve function of hair roots. And that’s it … simply hold your iPhone to your head for 10 minutes a day and you will have healthy and abundant hair.

HAIR-CLINIC-Steps

And here’s the best part! How much would you pay for healthy and abundant hair? $100? $75? $50? Nope, none of those prices … you don’t even have to pay $25 … get this – HAIR CLINIC can be yours for less than $10! Yes – you heard it right … only $8.99 for the HAIR CLINIC app … Your Choice Changes Your Life! Only $8.99 for the amazing HAIR CLINIC app … don’t be a fool – buy it now … a small price to pay for YOUR CONFIDENT LIFE!

HAIR-CLINIC-2

April 8, 2009 | Filed Under Health, Uncategorized | 36 Comments 

Too Much Information

There are things in life that you simply do not discuss in public. Ever hear of the saying …
3 things you do not talk about at work – Religion, Sex or Politics. (I guess Fight Club could be a fourth) It’s true. These subjects are to delicate for general public consumption – much better to keep these matters private and only share them with family and close friends.

Same holds true with the iPhone … some apps, no matter how tempting, should not be installed. Take for example the six apps below – which of the following locator apps do not belong on your iPhone?

GynoQuiz

exactly … the FIND A GYNECOLOGIST app … wth?!?! Maybe we are just skewed by our male perspective … but seriously …

obgyn-kenobi Do the ladies really need to locate a gynecologist at a moments notice? – And if you do need a gynecologist at any given moment, don’t you have some serious health issues and better off staying near you primary physician? – And wouldn’t the ladies prefer a gynecologist they are familiar with than some random obgyn? – And gynecological matters, aren’t they a bit too personal to be front and center on your iPhone?

So many questions are swirling through our male minds. We would love to pick the brains of the developers at iHealth Ventures who released this gem. I mean we can understand the Locate My Parked Car app or the Find A Pizza app … but Find A Gynecologist …
whoa, iHealth Ventures … too much information bro!

GynoScreen1

March 17, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 24 Comments 

Blister In The Sun

What would life be without the iPhone? Seriously, think about it … no twittering from you iPhone, no uploading pictures to Flickr, no checking the weather or baseball scores, no buying movie tickets, etc. … and those are just the basics. What about the REAL value the iPhone delivers? Life would really suck without these … no portable peep show, no bling, no virtual toilet … heck, you couldn’t even prepare a cup of noodles or hail a cab. Horrible thoughts – we know – our apologies for even going there.

Well folks, life with your iPhone just got even better thanks to the fine folks at Dash Technologies. These brilliant developers have introduced an original app that was clearly missing from the App Store … an app that will change your life forever.

sunburn2 You know how sometimes you go to the beach or the park or wherever, to lay out in the sun. Yeah, catching some rays in hopes of a golden suntan. But getting a suntan is a very complicated process – so many steps involved, so many things to remember. First you have to apply sunscreen to avoid completely frying. Then you have to lay down. Then in efforts to achieve an even tan, you have to turn over. Then you have to reapply sunscreen. Damn … way complicated … and get this, screw up any of these steps … bye bye suntan – hello sunburn.

But like we said, no fear … Dash Technologies simplifies our life with the much needed Suntan Watcher app. This amazing app will take burn out of the sun and replace it with tan. But how do they do this? It’s complicated … sort of like performing neurosurgery … very hard to explain … it’s probably best if you just read the app’s description:

Suntan-Watcher-Desc

We’ll try our best to put into plain English what you just read … the Suntan Watcher app has three timers that will alert you when it’s time to turn over, reapply suntan lotion or check if your loved ones are getting burned. Follow? I know… it’s tough. Think of it as a watch that tells time – but not just any old ordinary watch … it’s a SUNTAN WATCH.

Suntan-Watch-Screen1

sunburn1 So rejoice … now even the biggest freaking idiot can enjoy a nice golden suntan with the Suntan Watcher app. Seriously, why would you use the alarm or timer feature that came with your iPhone when you can spend your hard earned money and get a specialized suntan watch/alarm/timer. Now do you see the brilliance of the Suntan Watcher app? Now do you see the value of the iPhone?
Yeah – we don’t either.

March 4, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 12 Comments 

Apple Is Creeping Us Out

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but there’s been some really strange KRAPPS hitting the App Store lately. And no, we’re not talking about those sophomoric frat boy crude apps (sorry frat boy) like farts, burps and vomit. We’re talking some seriously weird apps … stuff most normal folks wouldn’t even think of.

SpankTink Take for example those stress relieving apps … Zen Garden, Stress Reducer, Koi Pond, etc. Legit apps … they serve a purpose … we get it – it’s all good. But when Apple starts thinking that spanking serves as a legitimate stress reducer … well sorry, that’s just really demented. Yes, you heard it correctly … the KRAPPS bar has been raised – SPANKING APPS!!

Last week two spanking apps were approved by Apple … the Spank app and the Spank The Monkey (STM) app. Both are positioned as stress relievers and amazingly, Spank The Monkey is sold within the Heathcare & Fitness category. LOL … I seriously wonder if Steve Jobs even realizes the KRAPPS that’s being offered for the iPhone. Hey Steve, was that really your vision for the iPhone … for some screwball to use it for their spanking desires … errrrr … “stress relief”? There are so many places we could go with Spank and Spank The Monkey, but we’ll refrain and keep it at PG-13. DUUUDE – STEEEVE … COME ON!

And of course, what’s a KRAPPS without an entertaining app description – especially the plea in Spank about not using the app in a sexually suggestive manner … GEEZ!

Spanking-Apps-Desc

Maybe it’s just us … maybe we need to broaden our horizons … but never in our wildest dreams could we imagine iPhone spanking apps. Something is going on at Apple and it’s really starting to creep us out.

February 24, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Health | 9 Comments 

Mister M.

Title: Menstrual Calendar Apps
Category: Healthcare

Some jobs suck!

suckjobs4   suckjobs3 suckjobs5   untitled

Add this one to the list … the guy who has to apply creativity to menstruation and come up with a clever menstrual calendar name. So similar to Bud Light’s salute to Real Men Of Genius (Mr. Pro Football Coach Cord Carrier, Mr. Department Store Mannequin Dresser Upper, Mr. Bowling Shoe Giver Outter, etc.) … KRAPPS salutes Mr. Menstrual Calendar App Title Creator and recognizes your genius contributions to the App Store below:

Petals_Icon Petals >> iMensies_Icon iMensies >> Lady_Biz_Icon Lady Biz  >> iWoman_Icon iWoman

FemDays FemDays >> Ovulation Calendar Pro Ovulation Calendar Pro >> iLady Icon iLady

AuntFlo Icon AuntFlo >> Period Tracker_Icon Period Tracker >> xoCal - Calendar_Icon xoCal >> i-femion_Icon i-femion

Lady_Mate_Icon Lady Mate >> LoveForecast_Icon LoveForecast >> Woman Calendar Icon Woman Calendar

Surprisingly Mr. Menstrual Calendar App Title Creator missed these offerings: iFlow … Ladies’ Day … TOM (that Time Of Month) … Girl Trouble … Monthly Miracle … and of course – iRag. Geez, all this menstrual talk, I need a Motrin!

January 27, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 18 Comments 

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