Sexy Apple

snoop64 Sorry folks … we realize that lately there’s been a lot of sexed-up app coverage on KRAPPS. But we can’t help it. As we stated yesterday, some Apple executive is riding high on the Viagra Gone Wild plane and there’s been a massive rush of sexy apps over the past few weeks. Not exactly sure what’s going on at The Mothership, but Apple has seriously been acting like dogs in heat … woof! woof! Dogg!

Anyways … no clue how long this Viagra induced Apple sexfest will last, so we’ll run down a few more of these sexploitation apps and then do our best to put a moratorium on the topic.

Ok … so here’s a helpful little app … heck, everyone already has at least one version of it on their iPhone. We’re talking weather apps … get the current temperature, forecast, maybe a little dew point … it’s all good, right? WRONG! What we really need is a sexy weather app from Visuamobile called Pin Up Weather. Ahhh, now we get it! This is why The Weather Channel app sucks so bad, just push play and see what you’re missing (hysterical stuff):

 

Actually the next app provides a lot of educational value. It’s for those aspiring sailors who are learning the meaning of various international maritime signal flags. Basically flash cards of signal flags … but not just any old flash cards … Bevy of Busty Babes flash cards … the NautiFlags app (ha, ha … see what they did there? … ha, ha … clever? … whatever)

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NautiFlags1   NatuiFlags2

Wow … we are so there! Count us in … we want to become sailors and hang out with a Bevy of Busty Babes … cuz sailors are cool like that – rollin’ in our 6 fo with all the Busty Babes and our playa Snoop of course! (for the record, Snoop rocks!)

So let’s put a close this Apple sexfest and go machine gun style with the following apps:

Sexy Chat Message Generator – helps you talk sexy
Hot Girl Chat – losers get to chat with “real girls” (come on, it’s a dude!)
Guy Wall – a little sexy for the ladies
iStrip Sexy Pen – hey! Pens can be sexy too
Bikini Poker – way better than Stick In Your Eye Poker
Super Sexy Mood Light – let’s your lover know you’re in the mood
iGay Dating For The Male Sex – some of dat sexy for gays 
Sexy Meter – sort of like the Douchebag Meter app
Sexy Can Of Corn – ha, you think we’re kidding, just wait for it

And there you have it … bye, bye sexfest … we’re turning on the cold shower and putting an end to those sex-crazed freaks at Apple! CYA!

April 3, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Weather | 11 Comments 

Apple On Viagra

ViagraAppleMan Did you hear the news? Or maybe it’s just for those Apple “insiders” … well whatever, we are here to share. So get this … one of Apple’s top executives (we will NOT name names) was recently prescribed Sildenafil Citrate (google it) and is now enjoying its effects. Oh yeah, this guy can be seen walking the hallways of 1 Infinite Loop with an extra spring in his step. Dude has a massive shit-eating grin plastered on his face 24/7. And of course … Mr. Happy Pants just can’t say “No” … if it has a pulse, he’s all over it. But it’s not what you think … he’s all over any and every app which is submitted to Apple for approval.

How do we know? We got mad skillz and the facts …

We’ve discussed this many times … sex sells. Now get an Apple exec hopped up on Viagra and sex REALLY sells. Take for example a standard clock app … it displays the time in 12 hour or military modes, has an alarm with a snooze button, different time zones, a countdown timer, etc … blah, blah, blah … standard stuff. Now sprinkle in a bit of Viagra dust … and boom … you get sexy clock. Sexy clock? Absolutely … why look at a standard boring iPhone clock when you can be enjoying Bikini Times Clock.

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BikiniTimesClock   BikiniTimesClock2

Oh yeah … sexy bikini girls … this we like! We’ll be looking at bikini girls all day … that’s how we roll … too sexy … the iPhone rocks! Oh, and did we mention the Bikini Times Clock displays the time? But we do have a bone to pick with the Bikini Times Clock – it ain’t all that! This app lacks fart functionality, which seriously jeopardizes it’s $1.99 price tag. Why not just make the PERFECT clock app – a Sexy Farting Bikini Clock. Hourly chimes = Farts … Alarm sound = Farts. Yeah Mr. Viagra Apple Man … mix in a bean burrito … because
SEX + FARTS = $$$. Cuz it’s all about the profit … so take that one straight to the bank!

April 2, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle, Uncategorized | 13 Comments 

Quick Links For KROQ

K&B_logo Tomorrow morning at 6:20am PST, we are scheduled to be on Los Angeles-based KROQ’s Kevin & Bean radio show … cool! If you miss the live airing (heck, even we wouldn’t get up that early to hear ourselves yap), be sure to check out the archived podcast at KROQ.com.

While we’re not exactly sure which KRAPPS will be discussed – for your convenience – below are links to potential topics:

Drunk Dialing Enabler app – Ringr Roulette (free giveaway!)
Spanking apps –   Spank and Spank The Monkey
Peeing apps – iPee and Shy Bladder
Boobie apps – iJiggles and Wobble
Token Smut app – Cute Asian Girls … your cure for yellow fever
Sex Aid apps – Sexy Spinna
Super Secret app – Appy Entertainment … no app yet, just a bunch of teasers

March 31, 2009 | Filed Under News, Uncategorized | 5 Comments 

Apple’s Biggest Fail

<warning>prepare to be shocked, disgusted, appalled and saddened by Apple</warning>

It all started out so innocent. We created a site that poked fun of the utterly lame and idiotic iPhone apps: Amulet … an app which transforms your iPhone into jewelry and enables you to wear it as a necklace. Mr. Menstrual Calendar App Title Creator … the poor soul who has to come up with names for the dozens of menstrual calendar apps (Lady Biz, AuntFlo, Fem Days, etc.). Hold The Button … a game where the objective is to touch the button on your iPhone’s screen and not let go, like forever.

All these apps are stupid and pointless … but in the grand scheme of things, fairly innocent stuff … no harm, no foul.

apple money Well flash forward to March 2009 … this whole “no harm, no foul” concept is a thing of the past. Apple is on a path of reckless abandon … pedal to the metal baby … more apps … more profit … screw quality, let’s approve everything!

As pointed out in yesterday’s We Got your Cure! article … Apple is getting dangerously close to approving something that is truly disgusting and offensive for the public domain. Now trust us, it was NOT our intention to become the voice of morality … that’s just not our gig (hey, our house would shatter if we threw a stones in it). But lately Apple has been forcing our hand on this ethics thing, so we just call ‘em like we see ‘em.

apple-fail So an app launched yesterday and we think it’s safe to say … this is Apple’s biggest FAIL to date. It’s not that this app is stupid, strange or simply a piece of sh*t (although some may beg to differ) … the problem with this app is two-fold … read on …

Sexy Spinna is a “spice up your life” app … basically Love Dice meets iPhone

Sexy Spinna 1    Sexy Spinna 2

So we think most of you get the gist of the app … if not, then you probably want to stop reading right about now. Ok … Love Dice … fair enough … heck, if Sexy Spinna can enhance a couple’s relationship, more power to its developers – iShakeapps. Now our problem with Sexy Spinna is their description. The app is customizable … you can add “sexy” words to customize the heat of the “love spice” you are attempting to achieve.  iShakeapps gives you examples of sexy customizable words. See app’s description below

SexySpinnaDesc1

Apple-Store-t-shirt Sorry about the blackout … but we are not even willing to display the word on KRAPPS. Which is saying a lot because we don’t exactly have the vocabulary of a f’ing choir boy. But I guess Apple is down with the “C” word … Apple rolls like that – using the “C” word to sell and describe their apps. What’s next Apple, employees at the Apple Store wearing t-shirts with a clever marketing “C” word tagline? And WTF are you thinking rating this app suitable for 12 year old children? Are you f’ing out of your mind? Go ask any parent who has a kid in 6th grade if they think it’s ok for their 12 year old to say the “C” word, yet alone see it in print. Yeah Apple … gee, never thought of that? … you can rate an app 12+, but children can still READ THE “C” WORD IN PRINT!!

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Again … sorry folks … totally not our intention to ride the Social Conscience Horse … but when Apple is more focused on approving apps just for the sake of winning a pissing match with the Blackberry (ha! ha! look at me – I am Apple! I have 30 thousand apps … ha! ha! Blackberry you suck … you have less than a thousand apps … ha! ha! I am Apple … I piss on Blackberry!), well we got to call ‘em out. The “C” word is appalling and highly offensive … it flat out does not belong in the App Store … period! Apple – YOU SUCK!

March 31, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 38 Comments 

We Got Your Cure!

As we perform our daily KRAPPS search, we get a variety of first impressions. Some apps have us thinking “STUPID- STUPID – STUPID” … some apps fall into the “WHAT THE HELL” category … some scream “FREAKING GROSS” aka “FRAT APPS” … some beg the question “IS APPLE DRUNK OR JUST APPROVES EVERYTHING?” (sort of like that friend who hits on anything with a pulse) … and on the flip side “WAS THE DEVELOPER DRUNK? WHY EVEN BOTHER MAKING THIS APP CUZ IT’S JUST PLAIN WRONG” (sort of like waking up and realizing you’ve been stung by the wrath of Beer Goggles).

pervert Then we have a really “special” category … special because we rarely get this impression as we’ve seen it all and honestly, nothing really fazes us anymore. This rare/limited-edition category is simply called “WTF”. The last WTF app was Peep Show … the pseudo striptease app which Apple approved as a game suitable for 4th graders … WTF Apple, strippers are ok for 4th graders? Get your head examined! Prior to that were the Spank and Spank The Monkey apps which basically enables those who suffer from spanking fetishes … WTF Apple, freaking sickos! Then finally our last WTF app were the two peeing apps.

Like we said, WTF apps are few and far between. Until last Friday, when we saw an app that made us think … WTF Apple, do you really want to profit by making the iPhone a portable smut device? Guess Apple does as they proudly approved the Cute Asian Girls app with the clever (errr OFFENSIVE) tagline … “Your Cure For Yellow Fever”.

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We really don’t need to get into intricate details of this app … you get the picture (no pun intended) … images of scantily clad Asian girls dressed up in maid uniforms or with weapons or whatever.

CuteAsianGirls1    CuteAsianGirls2

BloodPressureCuff But I guess we should thank Apple. Heck, never mind how OS 3.0 will allow developers to transform the iPhone into a valuable medical device … you’ll be able to attach a blood pressure cuff to your iPhone – then take, record and send the information to your physician. Or if you are a diabetic, you can simplify your life with the upcoming glucose monitoring app from Lifescan (a Johnson & Johnson company). Yeah, you heard it right … never mind these STUPID potential lifesaving apps … because the real value of this medical device iPhone is the cure for “Yellow Fever”. Hopefully Apple will continue this approach as we’re sure many suffer from “Jungle Fever”, “Spice Fever”, etc.

Ok, you get where this is going? WTF Apple, are you a 15-year old boy? A dog in heat? Smut  plus a borderline racial/offensive tagline? Come here Apple so we can bitch slap that Yellow Fever right out of you with our iPhone – yeah, we got your cure!

March 30, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Uncategorized | 11 Comments 

Wild West Guns App

By demand, KRAPPS will periodically review “legit” apps thru a network of guest authors.

Title: Wild West Guns
Category: Games
Guest Author: Mike

Wild West Guns [App Store] by Gameloft got my blood flowing. I guess it’s the ex-cop in me, but I love shooting games. This game is crazy and has plenty of action to keep you interested. You can pretty much shoot anything you want on the screen (cool). I shot ducks, buzzards, bad guys (by the dozen) and so on.

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I really enjoyed the ballon level, probably due to some buried repressed issue I have with balloons. I was not sure how to shoot with the iPhone, but I quickly figured this out as a means of survival.

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There are two difficulty levels (normal/hard) and 3 levels with 3 scenarios each giving you a total of 18 unique levels.  There are numerous types of guns you can use to inflict damage. My personal favorite is the shotgun (upfront and personal).

The screen details in the game background are not to be overlooked. The clouds are moving, plants are swaying in the wind, etc. The detail was so good it made me want to put on my cowboy hat and look for my horse. A last word of advice watch out for the big guy in the bar. Wild West Guns was released on 02/05/09, sells for $4.99 and has 134 iTunes user ratings averaging 4.5 stars.

March 29, 2009 | Filed Under Games, Guest Authors | 3 Comments 

Bailout America App

By demand, KRAPPS will periodically review “legit” apps thru a network of guest authors.

Free Bailout America apps – see end of article for details

Title: Bailout America
Category: Games
Guest Author: Zyber

Bailout America, by DoeDoe, is a very addicting Lemmings-Style game. With great graphics, 10 challenges (levels) to over come and great music – Bailout America is sure to please!

The controls are quite simple. You have 4 tools you can use, each one which has to be unlocked each level. The tools include: a Hammer, which destroys objects … a Bridge, which will make a bride in a crevasse … a Water Bucket, which puts out fires … and the unlock-able Wall. To unlock the Wall you have to destroy all obstacles and put out all fires.

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One of my favorite things about the game is how challenging it can get. You ask, “how can a game where you tap on obstacles to destroy them be that difficult?” The answer … very challenging … the reasons being that  (my strategy) you have to find the first path you see and clear it. If you miss something and you’ll loose all billions. Then go back over the map and see if you can find a quicker path. Then quickly construct the new path and block off the old one. Did I mention all of this must be done on a countdown timer?

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Every level has a quota of Billions that you have to deliver to the CEO Cat (he eats up all the tax payer dollars). The backgrounds and graphics are very pleasing. Another neat thing about the game is if Billions Bills fall from to far of a height, the bills crumple and create an obstacle which you have to flick off the screen.

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Now, lets review the not so great. There’s only 10 levels. While the game is rather challenging, 10 levels will only last so long. Also, sometimes it was a little late on telling me that the Vertical Wall tool was available. Finally, on occasion the Wall wouldn’t go where I tapped causing a hold up and/or destruction of some Billion Bills till I could fix the problem.

Click here to purchase Bailout America for $0.99 (limited time only, hurry!). Over all this game is a great deal and will keep you entertained for hours.

Pros:
Great Graphics – Challenging – Requires Quick Thinking – Lemming-Like – Humorous

Cons:
Only 10 levels

FREE Bailout America To KRAPPS Viewers!
antikrappssealv2gif Bailout America developers, DoeDoe, were kind enough to provide codes which will allow KRAPPS viewers to download the game for FREE. Simply be one of the first 5 viewers to leave a comment at the end of this review and we will email you the download code. Do it and experience why Bailout America is 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified.

March 28, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | 15 Comments 

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