Celebrate Self-Mutilation With The Rate My Piercing App

Ok, let’s get one thing straight, KRAPPS is not a psychology site … nor do we pretend to be one on TV. But if you haven’t noticed, we’ve made some keen observations regarding human nature in many of our previous articles. Sex sells … farts are funny … shaking a baby to death is not funny.

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Today we’d like to discuss another aspect of human nature … people crave to be accepted. In many ways, the App Store is a reflection of life (sorry to get all Zen on you). Just look at all the applications available where people are seeking the approval of others … Rate My Girlfriend, Rate My Car, Rate My Puppy, Rate My Picture and hundreds more.

The premise of these “Rate” apps is simple … users upload a picture and the community gives their approval/disapproval by a voting system. But be careful … the voting tends to be brutally honest. If you suck, they’ll let you know … a thousand times over. Most of these apps are pretty mainstream … come on, who doesn’t want to rate picture after picture after picture of adorable puppies or some dude’s squeeze?

But all these “Rate” apps pale in comparison to our favorite … or what we like to call “The Pocket Freak Show” … Rate My Piercing.

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Rate My Piercing is a celebration of life … the part of life which possesses you to poke  holes in your body. It’s like a virtual punk rock show … a Sex Pistols or Dead Kennedys concert conveniently in your pocket. Emos will appreciate Rate My Piercing as well … plenty of black-haired, heavy eyeliner, pierced to the max emo chicks available to rate.

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And after hours of “research”, we are happy to report we did not come across a single Prince Albert … although surely a Janet Jackson Nipplegate image would vault the rather obscure Rate My Piercing into Super Bowl-like popularity in comparison to its App Store peers. We’ll keep checking.

February 9, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 10 Comments 

Exclusive – Peyton Manning Seen Using iPhone App During Super Bowl

The Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints played in Super Bowl XLIV (that’s “44” for the Roman numerically challenged) yesterday and damn … what a helluv a football game. The Colts took a quick 10-0 lead, but ultimately it was the Saints who fought back and won  in thrilling fashion, 31-17. Congrats to the Saints for their first-ever Super Bowl triumph!

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Now while most of the media attention was focused on the Saints gutsy play calling (who starts the second half with an onside kick … that’s ridiculously awesome) and come-from-behind victory, KRAPPS took a different approach … we were busy attempting to discover iPhone-related Super Bowl news. And that we did …

Just after Indianapolis Colts quarterback, Peyton Manning, made a critical mistake late in the fourth quarter … throwing an interception that was returned for a touchdown … he was seen on the bench using his iPhone. Below is our exclusive picture of this “Manning iPhone” moment.

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After the game, we used our super-duper computer to enhance the image and discovered Manning was actually using an iPhone app … below is the video footage.

 

LMAO … yes folks, just moments after his game turning interception, Manning cried out for help with the I Am Choking app and its amazing voice talent.

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Now we don’t know how effective I Am Choking is during an actual medical emergency (guess we’ll try it out next time we’re choking … assuming we have the presence of mind to  grab our iPhone while we turn blue – yeah right) … but this app certainly serves a purpose in the sporting world for athletes and fans alike.

February 8, 2010 | Filed Under Health, News | 11 Comments 

Recap: Week Of February 1 – plus Big Sale On These iPhone Games

iphone3g krapps 2 In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.

February 1: Smell Like Ass? The iPhone Can Help!

February 2: I Just Made Love – Use The iPhone To Tell The World Where You’ve Had Sex

February 3: Dad Gives Baby His iPhone As A Teether – Why?

February 4: Sorority Pillow Fights App – Must Resist!

February 5: Lusting After Armpits? Satisfy Your Needs With The Pits App!

February 6: LED Football For iPhone – Flashing Blips Excite Us

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Super Bowl Sale – Great Deals On Four Football Games 

We figure since many of you are in the mood for some football, we’d give you a quick heads up … there are some great bargains today on a few football games. These deals are only good for today … Super Bowl Sunday … so jump on them quick!

LED-Football-111 LED Football by touchGrove [iTunes] $0.99 –> FREE: This old school classic from 1978 is officially licensed by Mattel and plays awesome on the iPhone. Check out our review of LED Football 2 … but only after you downloaded the original version for FREE.

flick-kick-field-goal111 Flick Kick Field Goal by PikPok [iTunes] $0.99 –> FREE: Sort of like the kick-ass iPhone game, Paper Toss, but in a football kind of way. Don’t let the FREE price fool you … this game is all quality and wisely includes online leaderboards via OpenFeint.

NFL-2010-111 NFL 2010 by Gameloft [iTunes] $2.99 –> $0.99: This officially licensed NFL game was launched back in August for $7.99. Today only … 99 cents. Gameloft is a high quality publisher, so expect an extremely solid game. At less than a buck … just do it.

Madden-111 Madden NFL 10 by EA Sports [iTunes] $6.99 –> $4.99: Put it this way … everything EA publishes is golden. Madden is also officially licensed by the NFL and like most EA titles, sits in the Top 50 Paid Apps. Final motivation … $4.99 is the LOWEST EVER price for this game.

February 7, 2010 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

LED Football For iPhone – Flashing Blips Excite Us (free this weekend)

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

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Good evening sports fans and welcome to this, the LED Football 2 [iTunes $0.99] championship game. The blips are taking the field and we are anxiously anticipating the return of one of the brightest blips to ever grace this game: your quarterback. And what an up and down season he has had, folks. Who can forget his daring run to victory in LED Football? Once he had committed to running forward, there was no way he was able to fall back. You’ve gotta admire the gutsy determination that it took to score against those odds. And then, of course, there were those that said his career was finished amidst the rumors of retirement during the off-season.

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But now, in LED Football 2, he’s back for more. And he’s teaming up with that flashy blip, the razzle dazzle receiver, for a decidedly more potent offense. Just when those dim blips on defense think they have shut him down, he’s able to fire a pass downfield for the first down or even an amazing touchdown run. And this new fancy footwork is a thing of beauty also, folks. The way he fades back a little to bait the defense, just waiting for an opening. It’s like he’s playing a brand new game! One with all of the features that you remember (except the nine volt battery) and it’s fully licensed from Mattel, Inc., by the developer, touchGrove.

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In addition to LED Football [iTunes] and LED Football 2 [iTunes], touchGrove also has LED Basketball [iTunes] already available in the App Store and LED Baseball in the works. At just 99 cents each, these nuggets of nostalgia are easy on the lunch money as well.

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FREE iPhone App – LED FOOTBALL
[Editor’s Note: So here’s the scoop … there’s this sort of big football game going on tomorrow where it costs $3 million for a 30 second advertising spot – BARGAIN. In honor of the companies that spend this insane amount of money, the folks at touchGrove decided it would be cool to price their version 1 LED Football at zero/free. Go ahead, don’t be shy … CLICK HERE to download LED Football for FREE. Heck, why not … all you young punks could learn a thing or two about videogaming history and how good you freaking have it these days. Modern Warfare 2, Madden 10, Halo 3 … hell, back in the late 70’s they got excited over flashing blips on a black screen as Tim described above. So yeah, show some freaking appreciation … download LED Football … and thank KRAPPS, you’ll never take your current videogames for granted again!]

February 6, 2010 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | 8 Comments 

Lusting After Armpits? Satisfy Your Needs With The Pits App!

Since it’s our job to report on the outer edges of the App Store, we come across a lot of really weird shit. And we’re not just talking farts, zits, vomit or boobs … those apps are totally tame compared to some of the subject matters we’ve seen. Got a fetish for old folks … check out the Sexy GrandMa app. Enjoy lusting after hammered chicks who are about to blow chow … iDrunken Girls is the app for you. Does hearing the 26 letters of the alphabet spoken in a sexual manner turn you on … then listen to the Sexy Alphabet app.

And the news keeps getting better for all you creeps … the fine folks at Keyvisuals have released something right in your wheelhouse. Raise your arms – it’s time to celebrate your  new freak app … The Pits.

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OMG … how did you know! Armpits … we love ‘em! It’s like we’ve died and gone to Heaven. Hundreds of armpits … all shapes, colors and sizes. Right there, conveniently on the iPhone for our viewing pleasure. Can you say … SEXY?!? 

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Love it? Honestly … we’ve never met an armpit we didn’t like … so naturally we just adore The Pits. Hopefully Keyvisuals will provide scratch and sniff functionality in a future update.

Oh … and pay no attention to the iTunes review below from Merk24 … dude just doesn’t know SEXY, but he does know LAME.

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February 5, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 7 Comments 

Sorority Pillow Fights App – Must Resist!

[must resist … must resist … must resist]

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It saddens us to write this article because we know better … and yet, we failed. We know better than to fall for some cheap sleazy app featuring scantly clad smokin’ hot chicks with big boobs … and yet, we flopped. Exactly what caused our failure to resist is still under investigation. Perhaps it was the app’s promise of “patented Jiggle-Vision technology” … we’re suckers for cutting edge techie stuff. Or maybe it was the app’s “Bounce-O-Rama enhancement” … can you blame us, enhancements are all good. Could’ve been the app’s opening line … “Meeeooowww!” … cats are all the rage these days.

But ultimately, we think it was a combination of the above, coupled with the entire app’s saucy description. Damn you porn marketing folks … the way you write this shit, how could any normal, red-blooded male resist the Sorority Pillow Fights app? Read it for yourself and see why you’ll automatically hit the $4.99 buy button … then go ahead, pick your jaw up from off the ground.

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LMAO – damn, this IS like reading the cover of a porno:

“Watch in amazement as eight well-padded, smokin’-hot sorority babes … beat the living daylights out of each other”

“Witness the shocking, rotating Beds Of Death”

“Drool over international supermodel sensations”

And of course, the nail in the coffin … “Jiggle-Vision Technology”. Or was it … “Bounc-O-Rama Enhancement”? Can’t quite figure out which one we love more.

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So we would like to extend our apologies to you … our most excellent viewing audience. Apologies for finding Sorority Pillow Fights irresistible and featuring it here in the Hallows of KRAPPS. Our typically sound judgment was blinded by Jiggle-Vision technology. And yes, of course … we’ll descend to the Beds of Death for our deserving punishment (but whatever, we’ll be smiling the whole time … cuz we saw bouncing sorority boobs … hee, hee).

February 4, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 4 Comments 

Dad Gives Baby His iPhone As A Teether – Why?

Meet Oliver. He’s so cute! He likes to chew things … shoes, bottle caps, books, the coffee table. You name it, he’ll chew it. Now you gotta give Oliver a break … he’s only six months old and like most rugrats, a human vacuum cleaner. If anything is within Oliver’s reach, it goes in the mouth.

Lately, Oliver has this strange fascination with Apple. Seems he’s been nabbing his dad’s iPhone, sticking it in his piehole and gnawing away. Oh you should see it … little Oliver, sucking away on the 3GS … he’s so cute! But rather than discourage Oliver from potentially jacking up a $300 cell phone (how could you! he’s so cute!), daddy lets him have at it.

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But daddy is a geek … and like most geeks, has a brilliant mind. No way was daddy going to let his precious Oliver chomp away at the iPhone … it just looks, well, funny (but a good kind of funny … he’s so cute!). So rather than let Oliver eat his plain old iPhone, daddy built the iTeether app, so Oliver could destroy his iPhone in style (but who cares – he’s so cute!).

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Ha! You thought we were shitting. NO! Perhaps the most inept and self-absorbed application to date. And here’s what you get with iTeether … count ‘em, four pictures of teethers … frog, man, star and ring … all of which do absolutely nothing, just pictures. Brilliant! Oliver looks much better now teething on the iPhone with a picture of a teether. Yeah not funny looking at all.

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Frog, man, star and ring … come on dude, at least give Oliver something interesting to chew on … say like Epic Boobs.

[Special thanks to our bacon-eating, snow-shoveling, wise-ass of the Great White North Tim Peckham for providing today’s “Baby Eat iPhone” cartoon. Be sure to visit Tim’s website for more cartoons and information about his three apps … or check out his work as a cartoonist in the Toronto Sun.]

February 3, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 10 Comments 

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