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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
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Flying Feces Hits The App Store
The iPhone is truly a rocking portable gaming platform. About half of the eleven screens on our iPhone are filled with games. We love ‘em! However, looking at the top selling games, we are deeply disturbed … Skee-Ball, Fling!, Stick-Fu, Rock Band, Doodle Jump, Frogger, Pocket God, Backbreaker Football … what is this garbage? Seriously folks, what are you thinking? These are the top games? BLECH!
Like we said, it freaking saddens us to see such nonsense grabbing your hard earned dollar. We think the problem is that with over 100,000 apps, it is simply too cumbersome to find good apps … yet alone, good iPhone games. But no worries … it’s all good. Stick with KRAPPS as we take you to the end of the rainbow and deliver iPhone gaming gold. Today’s journey includes a couple of awesome games that can only be described as KRAPPilicious.
As a preamble to reviewing these two games, it’s important to get yourself in the right frame of mind. So clear your thoughts … relax – inhale – exhale – then scream –> SHIT!
Monkey Sheep Poop Fight by In Context, Inc.
Monkey Sheep Poop Fight is a lovely first-person shitter … errr … shooter game where the user selects their target (a monkey or a sheep) and pummels it with shit. The game is fairly basic with no real strategy involved … just throw shit at a sheep or monkey as fast as you can. The more you cover the monkey or sheep in shit, the higher you score. Pretty amazing shit! We found the best part of the game is the fact that the monkey and sheep move. These are no ordinary stationary targets like in Skee-Ball … boring. Nope, the addition of moving targets make Monkey Sheep Poop Fight freaking brilliant and certainly deserving to be a Top Paid App.
Furious George by McLean Consulting
You know that curiously loveable children’s book character … Curious George? Well guess what … he’s a pussy. Screw Curious George and while we’re at it … screw his creepy owner with the yellow hat. What you really need is Furious George … a caged ape who enjoys throwing his own shit at Homo sapiens. In Furious George, the game, this pissed-off primate slings shit at you like a fully automatic Uzi assault rifle. Your job is to avoid the George’s flying feces. If you dodge enough monkey manure, you’ll be awarded with rocks … which you can then use to throw back at this little bastard. Seriously, why the hell would we want to make some Doodle jump, when we can get into a flying fecal fight with a badass baboon?
LOL … see the shit you would’ve missed by not reading KRAPPS? Yeah, we know … what a bunch of BS!
Pretty Poo – A Curiously Bizarre App
True Story (don’t believe us? – click here):
One crisp winter evening in the snow-covered Swiss Alps, three friends were enjoying a pot of homemade cheese fondue. Apparently this fondue was “magical”, because it inspired Jennifer, Indri and Marco to start a company … Digital Mint Apps … dedicated to creating designer iPhone apps. Apparently the three were sick of fart apps (agreed!) and wanted to offer the world apps which are both fun to use and a pleasure to look at. Their mission, create an app based on the theme … Stupid With Style.
Hmmm … fart apps suck – fun to use – pleasure to look at … sounds like Digital Mint Apps came up with a winning recipe for App Store success. And now, after seven months of working their asses off … Digital Mint Apps proudly presents their alternative to those lame fart apps … Pretty Poo.
LOL … WTH is this? Keep the poo happy by shaking away the flies?!? Basically a moody pile of poop … smiling and crying – smiling and crying. But hey, your life would suck too if you had flies constantly buzzing up in your grill. And good to see Digital Mint Apps steering way clear of Fart Boulevard … farts and poop totally different – right?
But look … words cannot do justice for the Pretty Poo app. PLEASE watch the brilliant demo video to gain full appreciation and insight into Digital Mint Apps’ efforts (although debatable, we assure you the developers were not on drugs while shooting this clip) …
Ahh … this is great! Crazy Swiss making crazy apps. But it’s not just apps … Pretty Poo is positioned to take over the world with a clever social media and merchandising scheme. You got your Pretty Poo Facebook page … some Pretty Poo on Twitter … a bit of Pretty Poo television on YouTube … and Pretty Poo shirts, hats, umbrellas, boxer shorts, messenger bags, etc. Watch out Sponge Bob … Pretty Poo is going to poop all over your animated success and become the new King of Stupid, with style of course!
Analyze Your Sex Life With Intimacy Tracker
In many ways, the iPhone has enhanced our lives. Breaking news is always a touch away with the AP Mobile or USA Today apps. Evernote helps users record, organize and remember their thoughts, ideas, information, to-do lists and more. With Shazam, you’ll always be able to identify a song and even purchase it immediately from iTunes. Great stuff!
But on the flipside, this damn multimedia smartphone has really jacked up life as we know it. We can’t take a simple dump anymore … not with iPoop analyzing the health aspects of our fecal matter, Poo Price calculating the net worth of our stool and Poop The World begging us to broadcast the color, size and shape of our chalupa to its network of users.
Or how about making a cup of noodles? Long gone are the days of throwing it in the microwave for 3 minutes … with the iPhone, you should be using the dedicated Noodle Timer app to achieve noodle nirvana. Flagging down a taxi? Only idiots wave their hand to hail a cab … use the Taxi Hold’em app and avoid looking like a moron.
And how about sex or lack of it? You probably didn’t realize this … but you really should be recording each time you have sex and each day you don’t. In addition, it would behoove you to document your sexual partner(s), type of sex experienced and a numerical rating of the sex act itself … oh, and of course you will want to track solo sex acts as well. Now the beauty of all this information is that you can produce daily, weekly and yearly views of your sexual encounters – guess for more analysis and forecasting activities. Sounds complicated or like a pain in the ass? No worries … just use the Intimacy Tracker app.
LOL … seriously – do people track this stuff? BIG TIME FREAKS! And WTF … numbers do matter?!?! Slow down geek … you’ll get some leg tonight for sure you data dork. But maybe we’re indeed missing something … just look at these Intimacy Tracker user reviews. “Been keeping stats on my sex life for years using a spreadsheet” … “Stats are great” … LOL – we’re talking sex here people, not tracking your daily expenditures or Fantasy Baseball team. Thanks iPhone – now you’ve managed to F*%$ up our sex life (pun always intended).
The Yin And Yang Of iPhone Sex Apps
Ok, enough with the fun and games … there can only be so much Dancing Bacon Man, Ow My Balls, HornyMeter or Race Car Piles Of Poop. Silly is fine … but balance is essential. So today, we get all mind ninja on you … let’s dive into Chinese philosophy and discuss the concept of Yin and Yang. Oh don’t worry … it won’t be “CRAZY mind shit ninja” – it’ll just be “BASIC mind shit ninja”. After all, this is the iPhone App Store we’re talking about … pretty mindless drivel for the most part.
So Yin and Yang … per Wikipedia: “yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Many natural dualities – e.g. dark and light, female and male, low and high – are cast in Chinese thought as yin yang.”
Alrighty then – so in a high level nutshell … Opposite Forces In The Universe. And WTF does this have to do with iPhone apps? LOL … well just check out these two “Natural App Store Dualities” and you’ll totally understand the concept of Yin And Yang.
Casual Sex – Promiscuous Sex … oh it’s so good, isn’t it? One night stands … no emotional attachments … friends with benefits … hooking up anytime, anywhere. Oh and those late night booty calls – the bomb! Makes you feel like Da Shid. And why not … you bang, you leave … you ROCK. And since you rock it, what you really need is the Booty Gong app … made for Superstar Shagger like yourself. Like you and your boinking lifestyle, Booty Gong has one sole purpose … to announce you just completed a successful booty call.
LOL … Booty Gong. LOL … Casual Sex. LOL … One Night Stands. Yeah, whatever freaks – have fun with your venereal disease. Go ahead and bang all you want … the real deal is purity … saving yourself until marriage. Purity is a lifestyle commitment based on the Purity Pledge. A type of personal and spiritual belief that one carries privately in their heart and soul. Ahh, screw it … all the cool Purity kids have bitchin’ iPhones, so we pure peeps need a bitchin’ PurityRing app.
And on a final note … party with the Booty Gong and PurityRing developers at Casa de KRAPPS … LOL, that outta be one uncomfortable riot of an evening.
The “Place iPhone On Fat Belly And Lose Weight” App
We’re going to shout it from the highest mountain tops …
The iPhone Has Changed Our Life!
Before the iPhone, we were fat, bald and a disaster with the chicks. Well thanks to the Hair Clinic app, we now have a full head of healthy hair. Chicks? Yeah, chicks dig us now because we use the Hot Radar app … it helps us score. Sadly though … we’re still large and in charge – XXXL baby! Ok, so maybe the iPhone didn’t totally change our life … got Hair, got Chicks, got Big Belly. Whatever, two out of three ain’t bad.
So this chunky monkey thing … it’s not like we’re ignoring the issue. We’ve been busting our ass trying every new weight loss fad …
Acai Berry Diet – sucks … makes our poop bright orange and thinking we’re now sterile.
Weight Loss Lip Gloss – the Too Faced Fuze Slenderize lip gloss promised to curb our appetite and boost our energy … it’s bullshit, our lips now look like our butt cheeks.
Overnight Skinny Cream – high hopes for this one … lose weight while you snooze with the Fatgirlsleep body balm by Bliss … garbage, we broke out in hives.
Calorie Burning Drink – Enviga is a sparkling green tea mixed with caffeine and antioxidants, this Coca-Cola product promised to boost our metabolism and burn extra calories … guess what, Coke sucks – they lied – so now we wash down our triple cheeseburger with Diet Pepsi.
So yeah, we’ve been doing stuff … ok, we might not be exactly in the gym, pushing iron, doing pilates or getting a sore scrotum from spin class … but piss off, don’t be a hater!
Anyways … we now have high hopes to finally win this battle of the bulge and it’s because of our revolutionary iPhone. We’re talking about the new weight loss app from DailyBurn called FatBurner2K …
Isn’t FatBurner2K swell? Stick the iPhone on your buffet blimp (for best results, precisely 6 inches above the belly button) and have it literally shake the crap out of your fat molecules. Heck with words like … Disharmonic and Physical Oscillation … we gladly plopped down our 99 cents in hopes of becoming a lean, mean, loving machine.
The only thing we haven’t quite figured out is how to keep the damn iPhone on our spare tire when using FatBurner2K while finding a parking spot, getting a haircut or smoking a filtered cigarette … sucker keeps falling off. Maybe there’s like this strap-on attachment thing we don’t know about … hands free phone calls and weight loss … revolutionary!
No Matter How You Say It – You Are A Douche Bag
Sometimes the most simple and straight forward apps provide the highest entertainment value. No trendy 15-year-old naked girl pictures – no sexy hot bikini girls from every creed, color and race – no poop race car driving – no touching crotch – no models that have VD … and certainly no farting, puking, pissing or zit picking – those were so 5 months ago!
Nope, sometimes the most successful KRAPPS are just he good old-fashioned, no beating around the bush, get straight to the point kind of app. The kind of app that when you press a button, your iPhone blares:
“You Are A Douche Bag!”
Seriously, how perfect is that? … You Are A Douche Bag! … think about these words of wisdom, perfect for just about any life situation …
> Some dumbass talking during Transformers? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some dipshit on an airplane reclines his seat so far back he’s now laying in your lap? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some wanker keeps asking the teacher inane questions and prolonging class? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some dickhead using speaker phone in public areas at work? …
You Are A Douche Bag
> Some ass wipe who completes every sentence with, “Ya know what I’m sayin”? …
You Are A Douche Bag
Simple, straight forward and to the point – You Are A Douche Bag … and that’s why developer Arty Baby is brilliant. Dude was basically sick of calling out all the douche bags in his life, so he created the youDB app [iTunes] to do the work for him. Launch app – push button … You Are A Douche Bag.
But since douche bags come in all shapes, sizes and nationalities … that clever Arty included the douche bag call out in TWELVE different languages. French douche bags, 
German douche bags, Italian douche bags, Spanish douche bags, Finnish douche bags, Portuguese douche bags and more … it’s like the United Nations Of Douche Bags!
Although youDB is classified as an Entertainment app, we strongly encourage Arty to re-categorize the app as a Utility … having your iPhone call someone a douche bag in not 1 but 12 languages – that’s a helluv useful utility … let’s see your piece of shit Blackberry Storm do that, biatch!
Only problem with the youDB app is the fact that this Arty character opened up a real can of worms. We know a ton of Russian a-holes and would love to smack them with a
Ruski-style douche bag. And heck, no Asian or Middle-Eastern douche bag call outs? – WTF is that? – these folks are just begging to be douche bagged. Anyways, hopefully Arty will feel enough douche bag pressure to bang out a few updates so people worldwide can properly unite and fight the good douche bag fight … do it Arty!
iPhone Nudity Found Again – This Is Getting Confusing
Breaking News! … from the makers of the Farts and Poop iMobilepedia apps …
Binary Moustache presents their latest mobile encyclopedia iPhone application …
VAGINA (iMobilepedia)
also know as – V****a (iMobilepedia)
Yes, with the VAGINA app … (errr, sorry) … with the V****a app, you’ll be able to teach your kids or parents about VAGINA … heck, while you’re at it, give yourself a refresher course. VAGINA is simply the most amazing resource in the App Store! You’ll never leave home without VAGINA – carry VAGINA wherever you go. Also, being the nice person you are … share VAGINA with your friends (or if you’re a dickhead, keep VAGINA to yourself). And this VAGINA is a bargain … when was the last time you paid only 99 cents for VAGINA?
Since everyone should be able to enjoy VAGINA … VAGINA is conveniently rated suitable for 12-year-olds … actually, to be honest – this rating is to ensure that children will educate their parents about VAGINA … what, you haven’t heard about the new “Kids – Teach Your Parents About VAGINA” movement? And of course VAGINA is perfect for parents and teachers … you’ll be able to avoid those awkward VAGINA conversations with your children or students – how cool and convenient is that?
Now never mind the fact that the word VAGINA has been censored by Apple (yes, just like Intercourse, VAGINA is a dirty word) … gotta give it up to Apple for having the sense to apply the profanity filter to VAGINA, yet allow images of a full blown spread eagle VAGINA … this is business savvy at its finest … or is it simply ironic? … nah, it’s educational.
We spoke with Pocket God developer, Dave Castelnuovo, regarding his thoughts about VAGINA. Initially Dave was pissed at us for prying into his personal life, but when he finally understood our VAGINA inquiry, he briefly responded … “I love VAGINA!” … Dave then rushed off mumbling something about getting to work on a medical reference application of various implants for aspiring plastic surgeons. Like we said, he was mumbling, so we couldn’t quite hear him, but we believe Dave’s new app will be called … B****T.
All kidding aside … similar to our Poker vs Girls article where it was “accidentally” discovered that Apple will approve images of people taking or their clothes, but not taking off their underwear … perhaps Apple’s guidelines for approving nudity is strictly for educational purposes. Whatever the case may be, it would behoove Apple to make the policy clear and straight forward … seems like a reasonable request.
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