Man Taps iPhone 844,683 Times Proving Life Is Overrated

They say a picture is worth a thousand words … so we’ll shut up and show you a picture of the Million Tap Challenge app …

Million-Tap-Challenge-Title

With this brilliant and enticing description, at 99 cents, the Million Tap Challenge is certainly a tempting buy. But wait … we have more thousand words pictures …

Million-Tap-Challenge-2   Million-Tap-Challenge-1

Yeah, we know what you’re thinking … stunning graphics, superb colors and clear instructions. And look closely at the screenshot on the left … nearly 18 million official taps worldwide (we’re sure this number would be doubled if they counted unofficial taps). That’s a shit load of taps … must be a popular app. So once again, certainly a tempting buy at 99 cents. But wait … we have yet another thousand words picture …

Million-Tap-Challenge-Leade

Ah yes … a global leaderboard … a feature found only in the finest of iPhone apps. And wow … look at #1 Dude – 844,683 taps (assuming these are official taps). And even a bigger WOW … #2 Dude is only 3,775 taps behind #1 Dude. Looks like we have ourselves one helluv a race to the millionth tap. Damn, screw the World Series … Million Tap Challenge where the real action and excitement is!

Now let’s assume a well trained iPhone tapper can sustain a 3 taps per second pace. So #1 Dude has accumulated 844,683 taps … equating to 281,561 seconds or 4,693 minutes or 78 hours or over 3 days of uninterrupted tapping. No sleep, no eat (unless you’re hooked up to an IV), no bowel movements, no bathing … zip, nada, zilch … nothing but tapping 24/7 for over 3 days. Same thought process at 2 taps per second equates to nearly 5 days, a typical work week.

So you got that – right? 3 to 5 days of nonstop tapping … errrr, reality check …

YOU ARE AN IDIOT!
WTF DUDE … GET A LIFE!

And here’s the best part and our last thousand words picture … seems Million Tap Challenge might have a bit of a bug. Looking at real live Million Tap Challenge reviews, some users are losing tens of thousands taps. LMAO … sorry bastards.

Million-Tap-Challenge-Comme

Finally, our apologies. We normally try to keep our articles below 500 words. With 5 “one thousand words pictures” alone, we are way above the 500 word count threshold. But don’t blame us. We have a perfectly legit excuse … training for the Million Word Challenge app.

October 30, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 36 Comments 

Name That Ass With Mystery Butt

making-babies It all starts so innocently. Kissing leads to having babies. Smoking cigarettes leads to a heroin addiction. Stealing candy leads to armed robbery. It’s called the Gateway Theory … a fairly “mild” action may lead to a “stronger” one in the future.

While more commonly applied to drug use (Gateway Drug Theory), the Gateway Theory can also pertain to iPhone apps. Innocent fart apps started to appear in the App Store last December. 10 months later, we now have penis apps, strip club locator apps, tons of sexy hot bikini girrrl apps, foot fetish apps, erotic spanking apps and a whole lot more (just read the KRAPPS archive for plenty of other examples). Do fart apps lead to prostitute finder apps? Hmmm … better to be safe than sorry … so we’ll theorize, YES!

Since you now understand our fear of gateway apps, it should be no surprise how disturbing we find the new Mystery Butt app.

Mystery-Butt-Title

Mystery-Butt-1-FINAL   Mystery-Butt-2-FINAL

“How good are you at identifying animal butts?”… while this statement and application might seem innocent (albeit bizarre) on it’s own, we know damn well the serious damage and addiction it will cause. Using our Gateway App Theory, animal butts lead to scantly clad female butts and equally revealing male ass counterparts.

“How good are you at identifying celebrity butts?”
“How good are you at identifying MILF butts?”
“How good are you at identifying athlete butts?”
“How good are you at identifying Asian fever butts?”

Mystery-Ass-A   Mystery-Ass-B

Mystery-Ass-C   Mystery-Ass-D

See what we’re saying? Brace yourselves … Mystery Butt is a bad, bad, bad gateway app. First an innocent baboon butt, next a horrific g-stringed Oprah ass. Be safe – just say no!

So really, how good are you at identifying ass? Can you name ass A? B? C? D? Hint – they are all celebrities. Click here for full-size answer to Ass A (why yes – that is Steve Job’s ass in fishnets) … Click here for Ass B … Click here for Ass C … Click here for Ass D. Oh you know this will eventually become an app …. wait for it!

October 29, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 5 Comments 

Bratwurst, Drunk Cows And Gluten Free Beer – What’s Not To Love About This App?

(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)

oktoberfest-girl-1 In celebration of Oktoberfest, we take our viewers on a journey … a journey to a wonderful land. Imagine a place filled with endless bratwurst, pork knuckles and racing dachshunds. A place where all you have to do is stand up, open your mouth and it will be filled with delicious nectar, ice-cold beer… no effort required.

Now, imagine being the one responsible for getting the beer into the mouths of others! Doesn’t sound nearly as fun, but stick with me … remember, our journey is to a most wonderful land.

Ale Beershooter gives you that opportunity to visit this glorious land. In this simple game, you attend an Oktoberfest celebration, equipped with a beer turret, as it were.

Beershooter-Title

Party-goers stand up and open their mouths wide open … hippo-like. To shoot beer into their pie-holes successfully, all you have to do is precisely tap their mouths. You are awarded points for a good shot and lose points if you’re not accurate. (Hitting big-breasted women in their rack, for some reason, still loses points. Hmmm, perhaps this is to avoid a wet t-shirt contest from breaking out … after all, there is already an app for that.)

Beershooter-1

Animals join in on the fun as well. Birds fly by and briefly stop with their mouths open at a chance of receiving your delicious ale. Cows stop what their doing and come down from the mountain tops to partake in getting shit-faced. You get even more points for helping the animals out … sort of like Noah did (Noah was a cool dude).

Beershooter-2

Plus, there’s a worldwide online score board. The top scores seem absolutely impossible to beat, no lie. I’m not sure how they do it, but it’s a great reason to keep playing.

All in all, Ale Beershooter is a FREE iPhone game [iTunes] … contains beer … is gluten free and cows get drunk. What’s not to love?

October 24, 2009 | Filed Under Games, Guest Authors | Leave a Comment 

O Canada, Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter! Government Censors Cornhole All-Stars

cornhole-FINAL As a preamble to our story, per Wikipedia:

“Cornhole is a lawn game in which players take turns pitching cornhole bags at a raised platform with a hole in the far end. A bag in the hole scores 3 points, while one on the platform scores 1 point. Play continues until a player reaches the score of 21.”

The folks over at JUFTi Games are big Cornhole fans and thought it would be cool to make a virtual version of the game. On August 1, JUFTi Games launched the Cornhole All-Stars iPhone app. Now read carefully between the lines … see what JUFTi Games did? Similar to the way “Football” is incorporated in Backbreaker Football or “Boxing” in Super KO Boxing … JUFTi Games used the word “Cornhole” in their app’s title – Cornhole All-Stars. Those BASTARDS!

cornhole_all_stars_111

Seriously, it really pisses us off when developers give their apps such clever and sensible names. Why couldn’t JUFTi Games name Cornhole All-Stars something stupid like … Pink Hippo Farms. Using the word “Cornhole” in the title of a virtual Cornhole iPhone game is simply offensive. Yeah you heard us JUFTi Games … SCREW YOU … you’re Cornhole All-Stars name offends us!

What? You think we’re crazy? SCREW YOU TOO! We’re not crazy and the Canadian Government agrees, Cornhole All-Stars is offensive, thus censoring the game in Canada.

Yup … cruise over to the Canadian App Store, type in “Cornhole All-Stars” and you’ll find nothing. As we said, the brilliant Canadian Government censored this clever and sensible title to … C*****e All-Stars. In essence, halting Cornhole All-Stars sales in Canada – if consumers can’t find it, they can’t buy it. LOL at JUFTi Games … maybe next time you’ll think twice about cornholing O Canada.

chascanada-FINAL

So we really wanted to get to the bottom of this dumbass move by JUFTi Games and contacted co-founder Jon Meyers. We asked Jon WTF was he thinking naming his Cornhole-themed iPhone game, Cornhole All-Stars. Jon gave us some weak reply saying … “incorporating the word Cornhole into the app’s title would provide potential customers a clear message to the premise of the game and a convenient method of locating a virtual Cornhole iPhone game amongst the nearly 100,000 iPhone applications”. Ha – not in Canada bitch!

Anyways, Jon and his business partner, Chuck Hootman, are prepared to “be heard” in Canada. They take issue with seemingly arbitrary Canadian Government standards and a lack of consistency throughout the Apple App Store.

Cornhole-All-Stars-Censored

“That the government in Canada wants to keep us from using the word Cornhole speaks volumes about its priorities – which seem to be limiting freedom of speech and trade between very close neighbors.” Chuck said. “We want Canada to free Cornhole and lift these harsh sanctions. We demand that the Harper regime free Cornhole.” Jon said.

americashat In hopes of freeing Cornhole from censorship, JUFTi has filed formal letters of protest with the Canadian Government and will travel to Toronto … staging protest rallies throughout the City on Thursday, Oct. 15 and Friday, Oct. 16. For more protest information, visit  SayCornhole.com.

Whatever JUFTi. Just remember … Canada may be America’s hat, but you’re their bitch. Hopefully next on O Canada’s agenda is censoring other offensive apps like Nut Sizer, iScrew and Cockadoodle Inc, eh?

October 13, 2009 | Filed Under Games, News | 4 Comments 

I Say Aye to Eyegore!

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

eyegore-icon Arriving just in time for Halloween, Eyegore’s Eye Blast [iTunes] is a frightfully fun game from Retro Dreamer, the creators of Sneezies. Beautifully crafted screens transport you to the lair of Eyegore, the evil flying eyeball with the fashionable hat, where you are taunted with a vast array of challenges and puzzles. Gameplay is easy to grasp: you control the aim and release for a rusty cannon which fires variously colored eyeballs at a swinging, spinning mass of, you guessed it, more eyeballs. Match 3 or more of the same color and they are cleared. Score extra points for clearing longer chains and for releasing other eyes which become detached in the process. Be careful where you aim, though. If the clump becomes too big and touches the line just above the cannon, it’s game over!

eyegores-eye-blast-shot2FIN    Eyegore 9

Clever use of the accelerometer allows you to swing the hanging mass from side to side, setting up the perfect (or not so perfect) shot. You can bank shots off the walls to hit the opposite side of the clump, but if you miss completely, you will be penalized with random additional eyes added to the mix. In later rounds, specialty eyes (like one that instantly clears all of the same color) are added for even more fun as you try to figure out the best strategy to put them to use.

Eyegore-5FINAL    Eyegore-4FINAL

This game is highly replayable and extremely addictive. The first time I sat down to check it out, I was immediately engaged and spent well over an hour playing. The steampunkish graphics are top notch (the animated eyeballs swivel and blink independently), the music is imaginatively immersive and the squishy eyeball sounds are great. You can also listen to music from the iPod, a feature that I always appreciate and which really enhances the replayability factor.

Online leaderboard and other community features are integrated with AGON Online by Aptocore.

Eyegore 2

I eagerly await further offerings from the developer as they work their way through the rest of the allergy and cold symptoms. We’ve already had the Sneezies and now the bloodshot, irritated eyeballs of Eyegore. Could Frannie’s Fevered Flying Fantasy be next?

At the time of this writing, Eyegore’s Eye Blast [iTunes] was a flat out steal at 99 cents.

October 10, 2009 | Filed Under Games | Leave a Comment 

iPeePee – This Aim Game Is A Real Pisser

(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)

Let’s be frank … no beating around the bush, no seeking description … iPeePee is,
in essence, a penis simulation game.

iPeePee-Logo (editor’s note: OMG! we can’t believe Connor just said p*nis. our apologies – we know p*nis
is a dirty word. dude, come on!)

The goal of iPeePee is to … uh, well … pee. Using the iPhone’s accelerometer controls, you need to pee in a variety of urinals and be as accurate as possible. There are a bunch of things you can pee on … such as a beer bottle that lets you pee a little longer (but decreases your accuracy) or a wad of cash, which somehow increases your score. Not to mention other random items for splash … bottle of pills, a radio, a billiard ball, your friend’s face (kidding), etc.

iPeePee 2

Surprisingly, this game is more difficult than it sounds. You’ve gotta get some pretty high scores to advance and it could take a lot of patience … especially after you’ve leaked on some beer bottles (which could be crucial if your urine level is running low before you’ve reached your goal).

iPeePee 1

Not only is iPeePee entertaining, but this game could be great practice for those inebriated public urination experiences that we will all eventually grow to hate (of course, it’s only effective if you stand about two feet away from the urinal).

Don’t have a penis? No problem! Believe me, it’s not a prerequisite! As I said, this is a simulation game, so anything is possible. Be a guy for a minute and piss all over the place. This game would be no fun if you had to sit down. In fact, I’m not even sure it would work at all. And if you are lucky enough to be of the male gender, you could easily use iPeePee for practice or even as a guide WHILE you pee. (this will require some duct tape to ensure accuracy with the game … I love duct tape, it’s very practical)

iPeePee 4

The only suggestion I have to “enhance” the game (no, “enhance” is not a Viagra reference) is to include an online scoreboard. You know … see how you rank against the most accurate pissers with an iDevice in the world. I could see iPeePee getting very competitive … you know … a real pissing match!

 

October 3, 2009 | Filed Under Games, Guest Authors | Leave a Comment 

iKnock Answers With Japanese Peeing Torture

iDomo The Japanese rock! Everything from sushi (no, California Rolls don’t count you pussy), to Domo-Kun, to those totally unique G-Shock watches, mix in a little sake, to aqua-titanium embedded Phiten necklaces … hell, we even have an uber-cool manga tattoo on our lower left leg (hurt like a mofo … but no pain, no gain). And of course, we love those crazy Japanese television game shows. You know, the one where women tie raw meat to their head and lower their faces into a glass box with a komodo dragon … chomp, chomp – OUCH! Or the one where a bunch of dudes repeat a tongue twister and if they screw up, they get whacked in the nuts by this nasty torture contraption – OUCH!

 

And the insanity doesn’t stop at Japanese game shows … they’ve made their way to the iPhone. Take for example the latest app from Japanese developer ZOO called iKnock. The folks at ZOO thought it would be fun to find some guy who desperately needs to take a piss … place him in front of a bathroom … only to have the bathroom locked, occupied by some a-hole taking his freaking sweet time on the can.

iKnock-Description

iKnock 1

iKnock-youTube

Talk about torture … poor dude is right there, inches away from relieving himself … but can’t. He keeps knocking on the door – knocking and knocking … only to receive such rude replies as “Keep Quiet” or “Wait A Little”. Now dude starts freaking out. He breaks into the classic Pee-Pee Dance … trying so hard not to piss his pants … poor bastard even starts  turning different colors, he has to pee so bad. See the demo video to check out the pure madness and cruelty of iKnock.

 

WTH?!? Why would anyone create such a sadistic game? Easy answer … crazy Japanese.  And hey, good news for all you sadists like us … iKnock is FREE [iTunes] … enjoy!

October 1, 2009 | Filed Under Games | Leave a Comment 

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