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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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Sports Smut – The Latest App Store Sexploitation
When it comes to smut, it seems no stone has been left unturned in the App Store. Name your sleaze and chances are there’s an app for that. College Babes … Asian Boobs … MILFs … Porn Stars … Panties, Stockings, Thongs and Lingerie … Emo Chicks … Sexy Amateurs … just a few examples of the thousands of smut apps available for download.
While we try not to judge what floats your boat, these next three apps made us laugh out loud – too freaking tacky. Obviously not much is off-limits when it comes to Apple making a buck … including the sexploitation of Olympic, professional and college female athletes for your perverted pleasure. Bravo … the App Store now contains Sports Smut.
Adult Sexy Gymnast
Nice attempted save with the “Adult” descriptor. With a large percentage of girls under the age of 18 who compete in gymnastics, this app is perfect for those sick morons who give candy to little girls and watch the Summer Olympics for one reason … tight uniforms.
iSpiedOnVolleyballGirls
Not only does the title alone make us feel dirty and cheap … but the tunnel vision butt shots furthers the creepiness. And you gotta love the app’s description … “17+ ONLY CONTENT” … “EXTREME CANDID SHOTS” … “FANTASTIC BOTTOMS” … “FACINATING POSES” … “NASTIEST user submitted pics” … “GET EXCITED by hot images taken on INDOOR playground”. We’re still talking about volleyball, right? Could’ve sworn we were downloading the Girls Of Glitter Gulch application.
Adult Tennis Boobs
Now we’ll be the first to admit that there are some smokin’ hot women tennis players … but dammit son, CONTROL YOURSELF! Seriously, can’t a girl just play tennis without ending up in a smut app? Hmmm … Anna Kournikova, Maria Sharapova, Maria Kirilenko, Ana Ivanovic, Victoria Azarenka and many more … ok, well maybe we’re being too harsh on Adult Tennis Boobs – we’ll let it slide <hee, hee>.
Celebrate Self-Mutilation With The Rate My Piercing App
Ok, let’s get one thing straight, KRAPPS is not a psychology site … nor do we pretend to be one on TV. But if you haven’t noticed, we’ve made some keen observations regarding human nature in many of our previous articles. Sex sells … farts are funny … shaking a baby to death is not funny.
Today we’d like to discuss another aspect of human nature … people crave to be accepted. In many ways, the App Store is a reflection of life (sorry to get all Zen on you). Just look at all the applications available where people are seeking the approval of others … Rate My Girlfriend, Rate My Car, Rate My Puppy, Rate My Picture and hundreds more.
The premise of these “Rate” apps is simple … users upload a picture and the community gives their approval/disapproval by a voting system. But be careful … the voting tends to be brutally honest. If you suck, they’ll let you know … a thousand times over. Most of these apps are pretty mainstream … come on, who doesn’t want to rate picture after picture after picture of adorable puppies or some dude’s squeeze?
But all these “Rate” apps pale in comparison to our favorite … or what we like to call “The Pocket Freak Show” … Rate My Piercing.
Rate My Piercing is a celebration of life … the part of life which possesses you to poke holes in your body. It’s like a virtual punk rock show … a Sex Pistols or Dead Kennedys concert conveniently in your pocket. Emos will appreciate Rate My Piercing as well … plenty of black-haired, heavy eyeliner, pierced to the max emo chicks available to rate.
And after hours of “research”, we are happy to report we did not come across a single Prince Albert … although surely a Janet Jackson Nipplegate image would vault the rather obscure Rate My Piercing into Super Bowl-like popularity in comparison to its App Store peers. We’ll keep checking.
Lusting After Armpits? Satisfy Your Needs With The Pits App!
Since it’s our job to report on the outer edges of the App Store, we come across a lot of really weird shit. And we’re not just talking farts, zits, vomit or boobs … those apps are totally tame compared to some of the subject matters we’ve seen. Got a fetish for old folks … check out the Sexy GrandMa app. Enjoy lusting after hammered chicks who are about to blow chow … iDrunken Girls is the app for you. Does hearing the 26 letters of the alphabet spoken in a sexual manner turn you on … then listen to the Sexy Alphabet app.
And the news keeps getting better for all you creeps … the fine folks at Keyvisuals have released something right in your wheelhouse. Raise your arms – it’s time to celebrate your new freak app … The Pits.
OMG … how did you know! Armpits … we love ‘em! It’s like we’ve died and gone to Heaven. Hundreds of armpits … all shapes, colors and sizes. Right there, conveniently on the iPhone for our viewing pleasure. Can you say … SEXY?!?
Love it? Honestly … we’ve never met an armpit we didn’t like … so naturally we just adore The Pits. Hopefully Keyvisuals will provide scratch and sniff functionality in a future update.
Oh … and pay no attention to the iTunes review below from Merk24 … dude just doesn’t know SEXY, but he does know LAME.
Sorority Pillow Fights App – Must Resist!
[must resist … must resist … must resist]
It saddens us to write this article because we know better … and yet, we failed. We know better than to fall for some cheap sleazy app featuring scantly clad smokin’ hot chicks with big boobs … and yet, we flopped. Exactly what caused our failure to resist is still under investigation. Perhaps it was the app’s promise of “patented Jiggle-Vision technology” … we’re suckers for cutting edge techie stuff. Or maybe it was the app’s “Bounce-O-Rama enhancement” … can you blame us, enhancements are all good. Could’ve been the app’s opening line … “Meeeooowww!” … cats are all the rage these days.
But ultimately, we think it was a combination of the above, coupled with the entire app’s saucy description. Damn you porn marketing folks … the way you write this shit, how could any normal, red-blooded male resist the Sorority Pillow Fights app? Read it for yourself and see why you’ll automatically hit the $4.99 buy button … then go ahead, pick your jaw up from off the ground.
LMAO – damn, this IS like reading the cover of a porno:
“Watch in amazement as eight well-padded, smokin’-hot sorority babes … beat the living daylights out of each other”
“Witness the shocking, rotating Beds Of Death”
“Drool over international supermodel sensations”
And of course, the nail in the coffin … “Jiggle-Vision Technology”. Or was it … “Bounc-O-Rama Enhancement”? Can’t quite figure out which one we love more.
So we would like to extend our apologies to you … our most excellent viewing audience. Apologies for finding Sorority Pillow Fights irresistible and featuring it here in the Hallows of KRAPPS. Our typically sound judgment was blinded by Jiggle-Vision technology. And yes, of course … we’ll descend to the Beds of Death for our deserving punishment (but whatever, we’ll be smiling the whole time … cuz we saw bouncing sorority boobs … hee, hee).
Dad Gives Baby His iPhone As A Teether – Why?
Meet Oliver. He’s so cute! He likes to chew things … shoes, bottle caps, books, the coffee table. You name it, he’ll chew it. Now you gotta give Oliver a break … he’s only six months old and like most rugrats, a human vacuum cleaner. If anything is within Oliver’s reach, it goes in the mouth.
Lately, Oliver has this strange fascination with Apple. Seems he’s been nabbing his dad’s iPhone, sticking it in his piehole and gnawing away. Oh you should see it … little Oliver, sucking away on the 3GS … he’s so cute! But rather than discourage Oliver from potentially jacking up a $300 cell phone (how could you! he’s so cute!), daddy lets him have at it.
But daddy is a geek … and like most geeks, has a brilliant mind. No way was daddy going to let his precious Oliver chomp away at the iPhone … it just looks, well, funny (but a good kind of funny … he’s so cute!). So rather than let Oliver eat his plain old iPhone, daddy built the iTeether app, so Oliver could destroy his iPhone in style (but who cares – he’s so cute!).
Ha! You thought we were shitting. NO! Perhaps the most inept and self-absorbed application to date. And here’s what you get with iTeether … count ‘em, four pictures of teethers … frog, man, star and ring … all of which do absolutely nothing, just pictures. Brilliant! Oliver looks much better now teething on the iPhone with a picture of a teether. Yeah not funny looking at all.
Frog, man, star and ring … come on dude, at least give Oliver something interesting to chew on … say like Epic Boobs.
[Special thanks to our bacon-eating, snow-shoveling, wise-ass of the Great White North Tim Peckham for providing today’s “Baby Eat iPhone” cartoon. Be sure to visit Tim’s website for more cartoons and information about his three apps … or check out his work as a cartoonist in the Toronto Sun.]
I Just Made Love – Use The iPhone To Tell The World Where You’ve Had Sex
Not to be outdone by the Android, Apple has just approved and made available today for download the I Just Made Love iPhone app (yes fanboy … the Android had it first).
Launched in October 2009 and with over 71,500 entries, IJustMadeLove.com is a website which allows users to announce their sexual encounters to a worldwide audience. By simply logging onto the site, users mark their lovemaking location in Google Maps … indicating the date and time of their shagging session, as well as other intimate details like place where you had sex, position you engaged in, was it your first time, did you use a condom and commentary on how was the encounter.
IJustMadeLove.com should come as no surprise … absolutely every creepy thing anything can be found on the Internet. But only four days after Apple went on a massive sweep, removing sexy girly smut apps from the App Store … now we have humping bunnies on the iPhone? Seems a bit curious.
If you really think about it, I Just Made Love is really the perfect app. That romantic post-coitus ritual of eagerly grabbing your laptop and letting the world know you just did it … is now so much more convenient and efficient with the iPhone.
Launch app … select “Place Where You Just Made Love” (although numerous popular locations are missing – the zoo, Disneyland, bathroom stall, etc.) …
Then choose which of the six positions you accomplished (Apple-approved graphical representations included) …
Go ahead and snap a photo for posterity (we don’t even want to know) … first time? condom? … add some commentary … and hit send. Simple as that.
Don’t fret if you’re not getting any and unable to add to the love counter. I Just Made Love includes a global map so you can play Peeping Tom and get the juicy details.
They say the iPhone has changed the way we poop. Time to add boinking to that revolutionary list as well. Technology at its finest.
Apple Reverses Policy, Begins Removing Smut
It’s been well documented that Apple does not allow porn in the App Store … but nevertheless, developers aggressively push the envelope in efforts to show as much skin as possible in their apps. At first, Apple began approving apps featuring girls in full-back bikinis. Later they lightened up … thong bikinis became acceptable. In November, Apple approved the first pasties app … iPasties by Pastease … which broke into the Top 100 Paid Apps and created a flood of new approvals featuring adhesive nipple covers. And finally, raising the “how much skin can we get away with” bar to its peak … Apple allowed the Boobs In Hand Bras app on January 14. Today, there are literally thousands of sexy girlie apps available for sale.
Well all that came to a screeching halt yesterday. Apple changed its mind and began emailing developers that their once approved sexy girlie apps were no longer welcome in the App Store and thus, removed from sale. Why the sudden reversal of standards? Seems Apple was receiving a number of customer complaints about inappropriate content. Below is the email Apple sent to developers regarding removed apps.
So exactly how much skin can you show these days without fear of getting the boot? Since Apple did not provide concrete examples to developers, it’s tough to say. However, it’s clear that hand bras are blacklisted … they have all been removed from the App Store. Most pastie apps are absent as well.
It’s also tough to figure how many developers were effected by this change of policy. We spoke to a half dozen developers regarding the matter and figure at least a dozen more had their apps removed. Is Apple done cleaning up? Who knows. The entire situation is confusing and mysterious … but one thing is certain, Apple is doing some major housekeeping and removing numerous sexy girlie apps. College Girls Extreme, Epic Boobs, Sexy Bikini Contests, Yau’s Asian Boobs Fruit Punch, Sexy Topless and many more … all these apps were once approved by Apple and now banned.
The developers we spoke with were completely blindsided by yesterday’s occurrences. “I wish Apple would adopt detailed written standards like every other mobile storefront in the world,” said one developer. Agreed … perhaps clearly communicated standards would help Apple avoid that reoccurring theme … Inconsistent Review Process.
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